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F/U to prior post - future in-law visit

I recently wrote a post entitled "crazy MIL - please help" and you all gave me some great advise so I want to thank you!  I love these postings and you all are very helpful!!

My DH and I just bought a house and are going to be moving this weekend.  My in-laws are coming to stay with us next weekend because my FIL is going to help my DH with things around the house.  Unfortunately, this leaves me with the MIL.  I would prefer they come once we are settled but my husband really wants to work with my FIL on house projects so I am keeping my mouth shut!  My husband has told me he plans to talk to her about her drinking and the way she acts and behaves while she is drunk as well as the stupid comments she makes while she is sober.  I am happy my DH is going to talk to her but am a little concered he may cave in the second she sheds a tear or says "but..."  I know this is a little pre-mature but any advise on what I should do if he doesnt follow through with what he says?  Actually, I already know the answer to that one!  How about any advise on what to do if she gets upset and runs out the door threatenting to never talk to us again (although I wouldnt mind) j/k. 

Re: F/U to prior post - future in-law visit

  • image jess295:

     How about any advise on what to do if she gets upset and runs out the door threatenting to never talk to us again (although I wouldnt mind) j/k. 

    Do nothing.  Don't feed into her drama.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • How about any advise on what to do if she gets upset and runs out the door threatenting to never talk to us again (although I wouldnt mind) j/k. 

    lock the door and dont ever talk to her again!

  • As pp said, don't feed her drama.  If she runs away threatening to never see you again, she's hoping someone will run after her, apologize, and beg her to stay.  Don't do it.  If you do, you're only reinforcing the bad behavior.
  • First, I would not serve any alcohol during the visit.  If FIL or DH wants a beer after a hard day's work - tell him to leave the house and go to a bar.  Don't serve MIL any liquor, even if she asks for it. 

    Sit down with your dh and discuss what you will do if she runs from the house crying.  I agree with the pp's - -- you should do NOTHING! 

    However, I'm questioning your timing.  I think it's 100% appropriate to put MIL in her place if she makes any inappropriate remarks to you, but essentially inviting her over in order to "discuss her drinking" makes no sense to me.  I'm not saying it should never be done, but it seems wierd to invite your ILS over and ambush your MIL.  If you want an intervention, you should talk with someone who is professional to help you set one up, but I'm not sure it will work if FIL isn't on board.

    I don't remember your prior posts, so I don't recall if she has made hurtful statements to you.  Of course, if he tells her at the beginning of the visit that he won't tolerate such statements in his/your new home, that's great.  And if she runs and cries - - don't follow her.  Let her know you mean business.  You deserve to be treated with respect, even if that "hurts HER feelings."

  • SueBear,

    Thanks for your response.  The problem has originally been with my DH and him standing up to his mother.  He has finally come to realize she is a problem and needs to be dealt with immediatly and especially needs to know her boundaries before we have kids.  I think the main thing I want to come of this is that her crazy behavior will not be tolerated in our home.  She can behave inappropriately in her own home but not ours.  I am anticipating that she will be bringing a 24 pack of beer (all for her) and my DH is going to stop her at the door.  Something he should have done a long time ago.  I am also anticipating her pouting like a baby and expecting my DH to console her and run after her.  That better not happen otherwise my DH and I will have much bigger problems on our hands.  So do you think our timing will be appropriate?  I was thinking since this is my MIL's first time in our new home, she will know immediately how to behave if she wants to ever visit.  What do you think of my theory?

  • Ok, now I get it!  Your plan makes perfect sense to me. 
  • Might it be worthwhile to tell them beforehand that there will be no drinking in your home, and set the ground rule before she even shows up with her booze?
  • So she's an alcoholic? And you want an alcoholic to not act like an alcoholic in your new home.  Have I got that right?
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • I had to go back and reread your OP, and I have a few questions: Has your H already talked with your parents about his mom's behavior? Esp the drinking and puking and passing out (in front of children) part? Or about the whole breaking you two apart when you were hugging and saying that it was "HER weekend"? or what about her laying her head in your H's lap?

    Has he done ANYTHING about this? If not, I'd ask them to stay at a hotel at the very least.

    And ditto the pp who said perhaps you needed to address the "No Drinking" policy with her BEFORE she arrives.

    If none of the above things have been done, I predict more of the same: Your MIL acting crazy, getting drunk and saying horrible things to you, and you and your DH just sitting there taking it. You and your DH fighting about how he doesn't stand up for you.

  • DH told you HE will take care of HIS business, which is HIS mother.

    This entire situation is no longer your business.  It's not on your plate.

    And if any of this DOES become a problem, you immediately have DH take care of it.  It's HIS business.

    So stop creating scenarios in your head, like what you will do if THIS happens or what will you do if THAT happens.  Here's what will happen:  you will turn this over to DH.  Period.

  • i agree with the posts above that tell you to do nothing. trust me...i've dealt with the tearing up and storming out of the room before...and it was all because he told her that he was an adult and that she had to start treating him as one. eventually she came back around and apologized to us both and has since improved. she called him literally 4 TIMES a day before that and now she calls about twice a week. you just have to let her know that you won't play her games and she's going to have to treat you both with respect. she'll figure out that she has to play by your rules or she will just have to deal with not coming over to visit.
  • I'm wondering why you think this is going to work.  IMO, your dh is able to "escape" his difficult mom by "doing handy work around the house" with his dad, and you are left to entertain (babysit) his problem mom.  Who do you think is going to have the most problems with his mom, whether or not she drinks?  YOU!

    My advice is to either help with the housework (meaning, be with FIL and DH at all times...painting, holding nails, making shopping trips to Home Depot, or find a project you can do ALONE without your MIL.  Make a shopping trip (without MIL) to Bed Bath and Beyond or Sears to pick up curtains.  Make plans to see a friend.  And TELL your dh your plan, so he can't ask you to "not leave mom all alone" in front of her.  Heck, have him call them and say you wanted to rent some DVDs that she would like - does she have any requests?

    If you have a problem with MIL after all that (you shouldn't, because you SHOULD NOT be alone in the same room with her, IMO!), call your dh immediately and say "dh, your mom just told me that I am too disorganized to ever make this house look right.  Can you talk to her about how inappropriate her comment is, please?" "DH, your mom just opened a bottle of vodka and is making herself a martini," and have him handle it.  Not "after dad and I nail in this beam" not "after we finish painting the living room." NOW!

    I also think you should have the ablilty to deal with her directly and firmly.  "MIL, you were told not to drink in this house.  If you want to have a beer, there is a bar down the street." "MIL, you were told not to make snide remarks in my home.  Please apologize or call up to your husband and tell him you are leaving.  See if he wants to join you."

    I hope they are staying at a hotel.  And IMO, it would be better for both of you if you just hired a handyman from Lowe's to help with any work.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I discussed this with my DH again on Sunday night because I am sooooo anxious thinking about their visit.  Oh and by the way, they are coming on Thursday morning, even though I work.  I got into a huge argument with my DH about the fact that he needs to consult me first before making plans.  I am soooo upset by this.  I think when it comes down to it, my DH and I have bigger problems than my MIL.  I am starting to think this may never change because my DH is never going to address it.  How dare he invite his parents into our home when I have to work on those two days...shouldnt it be worked around OUR schedule not theirs??? 

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