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f/u to marriage issues

i just wanted to f/u to some of my earlier posts. i'm the girl who's DH just isn't happy but doesn't know why, we're going to counseling (3 sessions so far), and he had proposed the idea of sleeping in separate rooms as a way to help the situation.

thank god the separate sleeping arrangements thing hasn't come up again. i think he knows how strongly i feel that it would hurt us further. things have sort of start to feel like gettng back to normal. and when i say normal i mean the way it was before he told me he was unhappy. so normal isn't really the end goal. the goal is for us to be better than normal, happier and more in love! but its better than it was a few weeks ago. i have been trying to give him space. doing more things on my own, being more independent, not being a nagging wife. i don't think i've ever been a nag, but what i'm saying is that i'm making a better effort just to avoid anything that will come across that way. it's been hard b/c i try to plan for things like New Years Eve even. and he just is like ... whatever.

i hope that he starts to become a little more enthusiastic about things soon. and trying harder. over a week ago we talked about doing fun dates and he hasn't planned for anything. i think i'm going to suggest the first one to get that ball rolling.

our next counseling session is 1/5. i wasn't happy with the therapist after the last one. if she doesn't change her tune then i'm going to suggest we find a new therapist. basically, she's making it all about my DH's needs and knows that i'm just suffering along with zero say in the matter. i don't think thats what marriage is all about. we shall see.

Re: f/u to marriage issues

  • I'm glad to hear that things are getting better. 

    I would like to say that he is the one who came to you and said he was unhappy... so right now focusing on his needs might help things progress a bit faster.  Talk to your counselor about her plan for you, and give her some time.  It is your marriage and you should have a say in it, but your therapist may be working toward that.  If you are not happy with the direction of things after a few months by all means suggest a change. 

  • Is your DH doing individual counseling as well?  And has he seen a doctor to get "checked out" for depression?

  • ok so  what i got out of your post was that YOU are going to put all the effort into making thigs better and he isnt going to do anything.

    im sorry but that sounds pathetic to me.

  • image sugarmag13:

    ok so? what i got out of your post was that YOU are going to put all the effort into making thigs better and he isnt going to do anything.

    im sorry but that sounds pathetic to me.

    ?

    I agree completely. ?You don't need anyone on here to tell you that it takes 2 people to make a?marriage?work, so I won't say it...?

  • image JLMadison:
    image sugarmag13:

    ok so  what i got out of your post was that YOU are going to put all the effort into making thigs better and he isnt going to do anything.

    im sorry but that sounds pathetic to me.

     

    I agree completely.  You don't need anyone on here to tell you that it takes 2 people to make a marriage work, so I won't say it... 

     

    Ditto.  While I'm happy that you feel as though things are getting better, it is not a good sign that your DH isn't doing his part.  He should be interested in activities with you and making an effort to reconnect with you (planning special dates, etc.).  Perhaps you could mention this at your next counseling session and see what the therapist says.

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  • You should really make a point of telling your therapist that

    "she's making it all about my DH's needs and knows that i'm just suffering along with zero say in the matter. i don't think thats what marriage is all about. "

    And make a point of saying it in front of your husband.  For 3 reasons 1- you need practice saying that this is wrong, 2- The therapist needs to hear it and change her tune, 3- this is the WHOLE problem with your DH's attitiude and he needs to hear it, too.  And hopefully SEE someone react when confronted with this statement.

    And no ... you shouldn't put up with a therapist who makes all of your DH's needs a priority and puts your needs on hold and makes you walk around on pins and needles agreeing with him so "he doesn't do it anyway".

    And if your DH just 'loves' her then you should stand up for yourself and say this is your MARRIAGE and you BOTH have to deal with someone you trust. 

    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Kind of sounds like you are putting forth all the effort and he isn't really trying. I don't know how this is helping your marriage.
  • This may sound heartless, but why are you trying so hard to hold on to someone that isn't happy being in a relationship with you? Do you want to spend your life with an unhappy person, or someone who is just going through the motions? No way in hell. And frankly, your husband's approach of telling you he's unhappy without giving you some definition of what that means is a cowardly cop-out! He doesn't want to do the work, so he put 'I'm unhappy' out there so you could flop around bending over backward to TRY and make him happy until you get so frustrated giving up your soul that you tell him to hit the curb. And the TRYing is pointless b/c what he was really saying was 'I don't want to be here anymore. I've checked out. I'd rather sleep alone.' He's setting you up to be the bad guy in ending the marriage so he can play the depressed martyr. Screw that! 

    If my husband told me he wasn't happy and he wanted to sleep in another room, I'd tell him that I was willing to listen to any suggestions he had for improving his happiness but that I can't figure out happy for him and I can't make myself crazy wondering about the foundation of our marriage. We both should be able to be happy in our marriage. I'd also tell him that I didn't get married to have a roommate and that he was welcome to sleep in the spare bedroom until he found an apartment he could afford but that I thought 3 weeks is a reasonable period of time to find a place to stay and decide whether we should go to marriage counseling. I will never TALK a man into sleeping in bed next to me when he doesn't want to.

    I love my H dearly, but if he doesn't want to sleep next to me and be a happy husband to me, there are a lot of men who would love to keep my toes warm at night and would love to have the kind of wife I am in their world.

  • I've been lurking around and this is my first post but I have to tell you from being the "unhappy one" in my previous marriage, his happiness has zero to do with you.

    My ex-DH did everything he could to accomodate me and but in the end, I left. DO NOT break your spirit to try and fix something you don't have the power to change. Continue to go to counseling and be the best wife you can, but please keep your integrity and don't turn into a doormat.

     

  • image cdeemason:

    I've been lurking around and this is my first post but I have to tell you from being the "unhappy one" in my previous marriage, his happiness has zero to do with you.

    My ex-DH did everything he could to accomodate me and but in the end, I left. DO NOT break your spirit to try and fix something you don't have the power to change. Continue to go to counseling and be the best wife you can, but please keep your integrity and don't turn into a doormat.

     

     I have to agree.  I dated a guy for three years.  I did everything I could to make it work.  I told him I loved him on a regular basis, but he did nothing.  Said he cared about me, but never said he LOVED me during those three years.  Trying to fix things and make things better he ended up breaking my spirit.  It was hard when I eventually ended the relationship because it was obvious it was going no where.

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  • I have no doubt that this is a painful, hard time for you. I'm sorry!

    Remember, the most you can ask of yourself is to act in a way you can be proud of later. For you, that may be the woman who bent over backwards to make it work. Or, (for me, for one) that may be the woman who was assertive about her own relationship needs.

    Good luck!

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