Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

I feel bad ( sil )

So my SIL's 16th birthday is on Wed. and I am no longer speaking to my IL's. I feel so bad that I won't be able to be at her sweet 16 because of something that has nothing to do with her. I told DH I would stop by to say happy birthday to her and then I would be going to my parents house ( who live 10 min away ).

I've even thought about going simply because its her, but I can't put myself in a situation where everyone in the room is going to be trying to talk to me about the problems that happened. I don't want to talk about any of it, I just want them to leave me alone..seriously. DH supports me 100% and hasn't pressured me at all about it, thank goodness because I think I would punch him in the face if he did.

I'm trying to buy her something really special and I think I've thought of it...a white gold cross pendant ( they're on sale at Kay's but they don't need to know that lol )

I've tried explaining to her why I can't be there, but she just keeps saying she doesn't understand. I don't really know what else to tell her besides that I won't be there. I didn't want to say too much about what happened because I don't want to put her in that situation where she loses respect for her parents so maybe thats why she doesn't understand why I'm so hurt by all of it.

Re: I feel bad ( sil )

  • I can't remember if you've posted about the specific issues with your IL's in the past (I think I recognize your sn) but I would probably say something like, "SIL, there are problems between your parents and DH and I that I don't want to tell you about, because they are problems that you shouldn't have to worry about. ?But those problems are the reason that I'm not going around your parents' right now, because I don't want those problems to get out of hand during a family dinner or a party and hurt other people in the process. ?That's why I'm not coming to your sweet 16- I don't want to run the risk of anything taking the focus off you or your birthday or how much we all love you, which is what the focus should be."?

    Also- I would consider going and visiting her the day before her birthday or inviting her over for dinner the day before if her parents were ok with that- it's also possible that swinging by before the party and leaving would still cause more of a stir then you'd like. ?

  • I don't remember what your specific issue is with your ILs, but your issue is with them, not your SIL.

    Buying her affection with a nice gift isn't going to work. Sorry, but it won't.

    "Now is not the time or the place to discuss this." Learn it, use it, repeat it. If things get really bad, you and your DH can bow out early and gracefully.

    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • image susiederkins:

    I don't remember what your specific issue is with your ILs, but your issue is with them, not your SIL.

    Buying her affection with a nice gift isn't going to work. Sorry, but it won't.

    "Now is not the time or the place to discuss this." Learn it, use it, repeat it. If things get really bad, you and your DH can bow out early and gracefully.

    I agree don't punish her for your problems with his parents. My Dad had a falling out with his two brothers and I was really sad that neither of them (nor my cousins or aunts) were willing to come to my wedding (one of them was local).

    It was very hurtful IMO. I even wrote them an e-mail letting them know that they were welcome and that there wouldn't be any drama. They didn't even respond.  

    image

    Off to the beach

    DS 7/18/2010
    Handy 2.0 Due Early August

    2011/2012 Races
    12/17/2011 Christmas Caper 10K
    2/11/2012 Have a Heart 5K
    3/17/2012 DC RNR Half Marathon
    4/22/2012 10M Parkway Classic
    10/28/2012 Marine Corps Marathon
  • You're going to have to either get past the issues with your IL's or realize that you are going to be missing out on a lot of your SIL's important life events.  Turning 16 is just one in a lifetime of them.  Buying her an expensive gift isn't going to be the same to her as if you were celebrating with her.  You're just going to turn into the relative that gives her expensive gifts.
  • I agree with most of the pps. However, you CHOSE to seperate yourselves from DH's parents for a reason. Stick by this. But make sure you are not punishing your SIL. From your post, it sounds like you really care about her.

    Let her know how you feel. Take her out and do something speical with you and DH. Let her know that it's not her fault you won't be at her party and make sure you explain that it has nothing to do with her. Buying her an expensive gift is a nice gesture, but what she wants is time with you. Schedule a time when the three of you can go do something to celebrate her milestone birthday and make sure you plan in advance so she can square it with her parents.

  • I would not stop by at all.  You are sending a mixed message, and letting your ILS know that if they want to get to you, they can do so through your SIL. 

    Arrange to meet with your SIL separately for her birthday.  She's 16 - she should be able to meet up with you and DH for a special birthday lunch or dinner.  I don't think life for your SIL will come to a halt b/c you don't attend her party. 

  • I've decided to take her out to lunch tomorrow and then take her to do something girly ( possibly shopping? ) I called her and asked if thats something she would like to do ( she said yes ) so I told her to ok it with her parents. Now just waiting for the call back to see if its a go.

    Thank you ladies for your advice!

  • image susiederkins:

    I don't remember what your specific issue is with your ILs, but your issue is with them, not your SIL.

    Buying her affection with a nice gift isn't going to work. Sorry, but it won't.

    "Now is not the time or the place to discuss this." Learn it, use it, repeat it. If things get really bad, you and your DH can bow out early and gracefully.

    ?Ditto.?

  • She has some serious issues with her IL's.  I remember a couple of them, and I think it is best that you avoid contact with them. 

    That being said you need to sit down and talk to her.  I agree that you should avoid discussing any of the specifics with her, but you need to explain why you are not going to be there.  I would also try to set up a time where you can get together and do some girl stuff.  Maybe take her out for mani/pedi's, or to a spa... something special for her.  She will eventually come to grips with her parent's issues, but until then you shouldn't alienate her.

  • why don't you take her out to lunch for her birthday.  have a girl's day and just get pedis and manis.

    no need to spend time with toxic ILs, but you can show your SIL she is special to you.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards