August 2006 Weddings
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Need family advice

So this week, we had Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas morning/day, and tonight for dinner for my dad's birthday with my family.  As we were leaving tonight, my mom said maybe we could see them again, since they're here until Monday.  On my feet, I had trouble disguising my disappointment and coming up with something to say.  I have to volunteer in the morning, and she acted like that was fine, we can do something after. 

Um, what?

We've just spent 3 days.  I think my husband is going to blow a gasket if we see them again.  The two of us really wanted to go to the stores and a movie tomorrow.  Are we being unreasonable in not wanting to see them?

I could potentially see them early tomorrow (like in the morning before I volunteer) or early Sunday (they have a party to go to in the afternoon), but it would be just me.  Then they always say, "We don't want Ryan to feel left out!  He's welcome!"  Then it sometimes devolves into, "Does Ryan not like us?"

I honestly feel kind of crazy about the prospect of seeing more of them. We're both so shellshocked after three days of the whole family and my nephews literally screaming in our ears all the time.

Please tell me I'm not a horrible daughter.  Or tell me if I am.  I need the truth!

Well, that would be telling


[url]http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9786320[/url]

Re: Need family advice

  • You're not horrible at all!  Or if you are, so am I.  We have been visiting my family for a week already, and right now we are all in separate rooms.  My husband is ready to leave me, I think, since my family is seriously bananas. I have two 30+ year old single brothers who live with my parents, and having 6 adults in one house for a week is too.damn.much.

    We all need alone time.  For us, after 6 days with my berzerker family, even spending time alone with each other is too much.  Of course, since we decided to just have some time alone, my mom has taken it as a personal affront and has fled the house.  I have no idea when she'll be back.

    I am counting the hours until we fly back home.  We haven't seen my family in 2 years - so it seemed like 8 days together wouldn't be too much - but it is.

    So yea, I hear ya. And you're not a terrible person.  There is a reason we all grow up and leave our parents' home. 

     

     

    image
    image

    I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
  • You're not horrible. You are an adult. It is ok to spend not every waking moment with your family. I think brutal honesty would be a huge help.
    Slainte!
    my read shelf:
    Jenni (jenniloveselvis)'s book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • Thanks, guys.  I think I'll just make it clear that DH and I have plans tomorrow, and Sunday probably won't work.  How can they possibly be mad?
    Well, that would be telling


    [url]http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9786320[/url]
  • image bunnybean:
    Thanks, guys.  I think I'll just make it clear that DH and I have plans tomorrow, and Sunday probably won't work.  How can they possibly be mad?

     

    If they are  - then again, they will have to suck it up and get over it. I repeat - you are an adult. You are not obligated to entertain them every waking moment of the day.

    My parents come down to Florida all the time and at first I didn't understand why they didn't want to spend every waking moment with me while they were here. Turns out they use the trip as a vacation in addition to visiting me - go figure! As I've gotten older, I am glad they don't plan a two week trip and expect me to be their social activitity director. Just because they come to visit, doesn't mean I can drop my life. I make every effort to be available but sometimes I just can't. Just like I don't expect them to entertain me 24/7 when I go back home.

    Slainte!
    my read shelf:
    Jenni (jenniloveselvis)'s book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf)
  • No, you're not a bad daughter. I spent the last few days with my parents who I LOVE and are awesome, but I'm just too prickly and crusty for constant family togetherness and do need some time to myself. Guess as we grow up we can't handle constant fam time like we used to? Just try to enjoy them as much as you can, and hopefully they'll understand that when you make other plans it's not a personal insult. Sometimes I set boundaries but sometimes I just suck it up, remember I don't see them that often and that I'll get alone time soon enough. But you're not a bad daughter for having other plans, and your H isn't a bad son-in-law for skipping out on some outings.

    image bunnybean:
    Thanks, guys.  I think I'll just make it clear that DH and I have plans tomorrow, and Sunday probably won't work.  How can they possibly be mad?

    If they're anything like my parents, they could be. Wink Good luck!

  • image bunnybean:
    Thanks, guys.  I think I'll just make it clear that DH and I have plans tomorrow, and Sunday probably won't work.  How can they possibly be mad?

    If they are like most parents, they won't be.  They love you, end of story.  I try to remember that my folks' actions come from a genuinely good place.  My mom, however, has bipolar disorder and sometimes really does just get mad for NO good reason (like she is now) and it has taken a good 20 years to learn that it is her problem, and not mine. So she's pouting and screwing up our visit and that is HER problem, not mine.  Oh well. 

    So, be honest with your parents and tell them you simply aren't available.  Follow it up with an honest "I love you" and you should be good to go :)

    image
    image

    I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
  • I don't think there is anything wrong with not seeing them again assuming you've said your goodbyes.  However, if it would make you feel better you could do a quick hour or so (maybe coffee and dessert Sunday evening?) to say goodbye before they leave on Monday.
    And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this Rock I will build my Church, and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it.
  • image bunnybean:
    Thanks, guys.  I think I'll just make it clear that DH and I have plans tomorrow, and Sunday probably won't work.  How can they possibly be mad?

    If they're anything like my family, they'll be mad that you made plans instead of keeping it open for them. Not that that should stop you from going about your life, though. If they don't understand, there isn't anything you can do to make them understand. Usually what I do is say that I'm busy all day but could squeeze in an early breakfast, if they're interested. They're usually not.

  • image Elizabeth81:

    image bunnybean:
    Thanks, guys.  I think I'll just make it clear that DH and I have plans tomorrow, and Sunday probably won't work.  How can they possibly be mad?

    If they're anything like my family, they'll be mad that you made plans instead of keeping it open for them. Not that that should stop you from going about your life, though. If they don't understand, there isn't anything you can do to make them understand. Usually what I do is say that I'm busy all day but could squeeze in an early breakfast, if they're interested. They're usually not.

    Elizabeth, our parents sound identical.  I dodged them today, but I had to open my big mouth and remind my mom that we need to talk about SIL's baby shower.  Now I'm stuck with Sunday brunch.  Oh well, at least the place we're going has the best french toast in the known world.

    Well, that would be telling


    [url]http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9786320[/url]
  • image bunnybean:
    image Elizabeth81:

    image bunnybean:
    Thanks, guys.  I think I'll just make it clear that DH and I have plans tomorrow, and Sunday probably won't work.  How can they possibly be mad?

    If they're anything like my family, they'll be mad that you made plans instead of keeping it open for them. Not that that should stop you from going about your life, though. If they don't understand, there isn't anything you can do to make them understand. Usually what I do is say that I'm busy all day but could squeeze in an early breakfast, if they're interested. They're usually not.

    Elizabeth, our parents sound identical.  I dodged them today, but I had to open my big mouth and remind my mom that we need to talk about SIL's baby shower.  Now I'm stuck with Sunday brunch.  Oh well, at least the place we're going has the best french toast in the known world.

    Bunny, although this will be a drag for you and your husband, I think looking back on it, you'll be happier having done it.  Good luck ... I hope the time passes quickly. Wink

    And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this Rock I will build my Church, and the gates of Hell shall not prevail against it.
  • image 2Vermont:

    Bunny, although this will be a drag for you and your husband, I think looking back on it, you'll be happier having done it.  Good luck ... I hope the time passes quickly. Wink

    I'm going to let DH sleep in and go alone.  I don't mind spending time with my parents; far from it really!  I just don't want to feel like every moment of my spare time belongs to them.  

    At least I can spare DH, since we're planning a baby shower. Wink

    Well, that would be telling


    [url]http://www.babynames.com/namelist/9786320[/url]
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