Family Matters
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Mother/Family Issues (kinda long-sorry)

So recently I was told that I was not fulfilling my family obligations.  The background on this story:  I got engaged to my husband 3 years ago, it was kind of a whirlwind romance since we had known each other since high school and had been friends for years.  I had just come out of a relationship so I was keeping my new beau(and now husband) private since we are from the same, VERY small, hometown.  So when I told my mom we were together and after dating a bit that I was going to move in with him, she told me I shouldn't and that I should go nanny for my brother- which is not even close to my career field!  So I obviously said no... as selfish as that might sound.

Fast forward to the day we got engaged.  My husband literally couldn't wait to ask me, so he had jumped the gun and didn't get the chance to get the go ahead from my parents.  So he asked, I said yes, and he had gone to them and said that he would love their blessing and my dad shook his hand and said yes.  The next morning my mother called and asked if just I wanted to come over for coffee.  Thinking it could be something private I want and my H stayed with his family.  It was so she could confront me about if I had been brainwashed by my H and In-laws and agreed to marry him, and wasnt actually in love.  After a fight that lasted months, we finally got past it.  So needless to say the wedding planning was a LONG process.

 Now to the present.  A month ago my family all got together to celebrate my brothers retirement, and the upcoming birthdays.  I couldn't attend because we just moved a couple months before and I had only been at my job about a month and a half and my husband is in the Navy and we need to hold onto his leave.  So of course that caused scrutiny!  On top of that, my In laws have a family run ranch and after discussing it in depth we have decided to step up and take over.  When this was brought up to my mom- her monster side has come out and once again I have been "brainwashed" and I'm not the girl she raised!  

Does anyone else have problems with their mothers?!  She seems jealous of my life and marriage, of my in laws, and of the opportunities that we will have from his parents being successful and wealthy.  I guess I just need to know that other people have problems with this too and what you have done to curb it!! HELP! 

Re: Mother/Family Issues (kinda long-sorry)

  • MLE2010MLE2010 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper

    The big question here is what are YOU going to about it? 

    You are an adult, your mother needs to come to grips with this fact. Don't entertain her nastiness. When she starts with the brainwashing BS, hang up the phone or get up and leave. Set boundaries and stick with them. 

  • I feel the same way!  I just want to make sure that I am not out of line with my thinking because I am so irritated.  I told her today when she brought it up that I wasn't going to let her ruin my day, and that I am tired of having this conversation and argument.  It just feels good to know that I'm not completely out of line!
  • MLE2010MLE2010 member
    500 Comments Third Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    Oh and your family is now your H and you so your first priority and obligation is to him. Not your mother or anyone else.
  • I've got something similar, only I'm in your H's position as I am the one the inlaws don't like.  My ILs have no problem bad mouthing me.  I have several emails that they have actually sent to my H to complain about me.  It's hard to ignore statements in print.

    STAND UP FOR YOUR H!!!  It would have made a huge difference if my H would have said right away, "I will not tolerate negative comments and actions toward my spouse.  Next time any of you does or says something inappropriate, I will leave/ hang up/ etc."  And then you must follow through on their threat.    

    I refuse to have anything to do with any of them as a result of one person's actions.  Only one person is the problem, but the rest of them all make excuses for the awful behavior and thus look just as bad.  H still travels to see them 4-5 times per year (which I think is a snub towards me, but that's a whole other H problem), but I haven't seen or spoken to any of them in years.

    If it was anybody besides your mom, would you let them talk about your H that way?  If one of your friends said this stuff to you, you'd tell her to STFU and then stop hanging out with her, right?  The fact that she's your mother doesn't excuse her behavior.

  • Get the go ahead from your parents?

    Nobody does this anymore. You are over 18 you do as you wish.

    If these people are this horrid to you or they make you feel like a nobody, perhaps it is best if you cool it with them for awhile -- and tell them precisely why you will be a figment of their imaginations until they get it together and treat you like an adult.
  • Well the very fact that you are questioning yourself says a lot.  In addition, the fact that you even question you being selfish for not nannying for your brother says a lot as well.

    The relationship with your mother is not healthy or normal.  I suggest talking with a counselor so to give you the tools to help you set strong boundaries and make healthy choices for yourself and your marriage. 

  • doglovedoglove member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    image Disneygeek77:

    Well the very fact that you are questioning yourself says a lot.  In addition, the fact that you even question you being selfish for not nannying for your brother says a lot as well.

    The relationship with your mother is not healthy or normal.  I suggest talking with a counselor so to give you the tools to help you set strong boundaries and make healthy choices for yourself and your marriage. 

    I agree. It sounds like your family is enmeshed. I would seek out some individual counseling to help you learn to create boundaries with them. Your DH is under no obligation to ask for permission to marry you - you are grown adults.  

  • Yes. I am actually going through something very similar. My mother and sisters think I have been brainwashed by DH and his family because I am a caring, loving, respectful wife. My family believes that I should not be this way because I was raised by "independent, free-thinking, bittcchhyy women" (her exact words, not mine). The fact that I chose to hang out with my husband and his family instead of gonig to my mother's house every Saturday annoys her. All they do at her house is sit around and watch tv, whereas when I am with DH and his family we go do things: picknicks, the beach, the zoo, etc.

    I went out to lunch with my mother and older sister yesterday and it was basically an intervention. They asked me when I was going to leave DH for someone who would "appreciate the way I was raised." I told them he treats me wonderfully and they should be happy that I am happy, and not divorced 4 times like they are.

    All in all, I am an adult (as are you) and we are capable of making our own decisions. If your parents don't appreciate it or support you, it sucks, but there is nothing really you (or I) can do about it.

    image
  • Why would you think it is selfish to want your own career in your own field rather than being a nanny for your brother?! OP, you are an adult now, you have your own life and you are happy. At the end of the day, that is what matters! You need to stand up to your family, and if they can't support you, then it may be time for you to cut them out.
  • Thank you all so so much for your support!  It helps to know that sometimes you aren't acting crazy and selfish.  I feel like I am doing what is right for me and my family, and my family is my husband!  His parents and family are great to me and have never said a bad word about me.  

    The most recent interaction I had with my mother I told her that I wasn't going to let her ruin my day and I am sick of having this same argument and conversation.  She got all snide and said, "ok." and hung up.  Afterward I sent out a mass text to my two sisters, brother, and sister in law telling them that I am sorry they feel left out but I am trying to start my life and get my husband and I set up and together.  Please respect that, and if you feel slighted please call and talk to me about it.  I got texts back that sounded friendly so I am going to take it for what it is.  

    Again- thank you all for your posts.  It is a good reminder that I don't owe anyone anything!  And to those of you in similar situations please be strong too and stand up for yourself!  I know I will be... 

  • That is exactly what my mother keeps saying!!  She says "we raised you different, I fear you.  I hope that it isn't H that is manipulating you but you are not the girl I raised.  We raised you to be better than this."

    Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black!  I feel like its a conversation that all of my family having behind my back instead of just hitting it head on with me!  If they don't realize that their behavior pushes me farther and farther away than there is nothing I can do!  

     It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who is totally in love with her in-laws but is having problems with their own family!  I don't need or want to deal with this.  And I definitely don't want to bring a child into a negative situation like this... I am doing what I feel is best for my family and myself!  

    I hope you and I can both beat this situation and come out on top! 

  • image johnsonscharosch:

    That is exactly what my mother keeps saying!!  She says "we raised you different, I fear you.  I hope that it isn't H that is manipulating you but you are not the girl I raised.  We raised you to be better than this."

    Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black!  I feel like its a conversation that all of my family having behind my back instead of just hitting it head on with me!  If they don't realize that their behavior pushes me farther and farther away than there is nothing I can do!  

     It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who is totally in love with her in-laws but is having problems with their own family!  I don't need or want to deal with this.  And I definitely don't want to bring a child into a negative situation like this... I am doing what I feel is best for my family and myself!  

    I hope you and I can both beat this situation and come out on top! 

    Just keep your chin up and stand your ground! That's what I am doing. I understand it might be annoying or frustrating for my family that I am not around a lot, especially when my other two sisters are always around. But our situations are completely different: our mother watches my neice for my older sis 3 days a week, and my little sis is only 14 and still lives at home! Of course they are going to see each other more!!

    You are married, so your family dynamic has shifted from "me and my parents/siblings" to "me and my husband (and children)." Maybe there is an adjustment period no one told us about.. lol!

    image
  • Wow. I could be writing this about my family.  My mother has actually used the same words (brainwashing).  I agree with the poster that said stand up for your husband.  We have been married for almost 4 years and I didn't at first.  I tried to be the good daughter and the good wife and "play" both sides.  I am realizing that my mom is just a drama kind of person.  Many have said to me that my husband is my number one priority and they are right.  My husband loves me and I know I'm not brainwashed by him.  He is loving and would do anything for me.  I'm sure you feel the same about your husband.

    As for what I have done... I am putting my foot down.  I am not going back and forth with my mom any more.  I HATE confrontation, but I can't be happy playing childish games with my mom and it isn't fair to my husband who has to hear about it.  A friend of my said she learned the phrase, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and uses it often with her mom.  I'm now adopting it!  :)

    Good luck to you! 

    Anniversary
  • I can't believe that people are going through this too!  What is wrong with people, and why can't you just be happy for me and realize that I am happy!  My husband would and has done just about anything you can imagine for me.  He is supportive and strong and loving.  So now I am going to adopt the "im sorry you feel that way" thing.  I don't want to be confrontational with my family but I chose to be with my husband, and I choose it everyday!  

     I refuse to let my mother put me in a situation where I have to choose.  I have already chosen and vowed to be with my husband for the rest of my life.  I don't have to vow anything to her!  

    I wish you girls luck too!  Stay strong!!  thank you so much! 

  • From my experience, your mother sounds like a narcissist.  If I were you, I would do some research on dealing with narcissists, namely narcissistic mothers. Trust me, it will help!

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