Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Would you say anything?

One of my best friends whom I have known since college is dangerously close to getting "nice guy" syndrome. He is 43 and has never been married. He has a really tough time with relationships. It's getting to be really painful to read his Facebook posts or have a conversation with him because he is becoming extremely bitter. On one hand I can understand his frustration. He is short, bald, and on disability due to severe Asperger's. That is a lot of strikes against him that he can't do anything about. He is also very outgoing, friendly, and loyal. If he continues down this road of bitterness, then he's going to lose those things about him that are great. 

Honestly I think one of his biggest problems is that he doesn't have a very good filter when it comes to judging others' character. He can't tell when people are being insincere. He literally wants to be friends with everyone, can't tell when people are merely being polite, and gets extremely hurt when people don't return his calls and efforts to get together. I am pretty sure this is due to his Asperger's. Most of the women he winds up dating are majorly damaged goods, and he doesn't see it until it's too late. 

I don't know if I should say something to him, and if so how I should say it.  

 

Re: Would you say anything?

  • Whatever you do, don't mention that his Asperger's is causing all this trouble with people. I was diagnosed with Aspergers when I was younger and there is such a stigma with it. It will make him feel awful if you say his condition is causing him pain, I know it hurt me when people said that too me. All you can do is be there and offer advice if he asks for it. I repeat only if he asks for it. It seems that your heart is in the right place, but don't make it any worse than it already is. 
  • "Hey Fred, it sounds like you've been having a rough time lately.  Just wanted to say that I'm really glad you're my friend.  It's easy to forget, so here's a reminder that you're awesome!"
  • If he were my best friend, I would openly point out his bitterness.  "Best Friend, you really seem bitter about this...." and then leave that statement open for his response.  Follow up with your concerns about the permanent affect on his bitterness, and try to help him find some resources to work on that, if he is open to doing so.

    All you can do is be there for him- you can't change him personally.  That's something he needs to want to work on himself, possibly with the help of a professional. 

    *-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

    TTC since Aug 2011

    Type I Diabetic, PCOS

    February 16, 2013: First IUI (with Clomid, Pregnyl Trigger Shot and Crinone 8% Gel)

    Results of First IUI: BFN

    Currently Awaiting Next Cycle...

  • If there is some sort of outreach program to coach Asperger's Syndrome people that are in his age category, he'd benefit by it. There may be one.

    The thing is how to get it across that there are people who can help him, if there is such a group.

    He's probably having trouble picking up on social cues -- or perhaps he is simply asking out the wrong women.

    If he is outgoing friendly and loyal, he'd be great for a group that needs lots and lots of hardworking volunteers. He could probably join just about anything and benefit -- K of C if he's Catholic, fundraiser groups, etc.

  • I think one of his biggest problems is that he doesn't have a very good filter when it comes to judging others' character. He can't tell when people are being insincere. He literally wants to be friends with everyone, can't tell when people are merely being polite, and gets extremely hurt when people don't return his calls and efforts to get together. I am pretty sure this is due to his Asperger's.

    That's not because of his Aspergers, it's the very definition of it. 

    Relationships can be really hard for adult men with Aspergers- the subtle nuances of courtship in our society are beyond the comprehension of most. While most men with AS have those very qualities of kindness and loyalty, they often lack social judgement or the stamina required to make a relationship work without support. The fact that he's unable to be employed would suggest that his ability to navigate the NT world as an adult is limited as well. 

    Unfortunately, two traits common to AS may be undermining his success in relationships.  The first is that they can be rather uncompromising in relationships- often they are drawn to only very physically attractive women with little regard for more average girls who would be a more down to earth choice. The other is that they are so starved for approval they will sometimes do things for the attention of someone unworthy of them.

    One option would be to seek out a therapist to help him create a plan to put himself out there safely. But since there are few therapists serving this population and since he's on disability, this probably has no traction. Could he be interested in an adult support group? 

    www.grasp.com and www.wrongplanet.net are two awesome self advocacy groups for adults with AS. Finding someone he has something in common with would be ideal, even if it's just friends. It could be a hobby, activity or even a support group. Friends sometimes lead to relationships. Grasp even has IRL meetings where he might connect with someone who gets him.

    There are a couple good books specific to AS and dating. I love anything written by Jerry and Mary Newport.

    http://www.amazon.com/Autism-Aspergers-Sexuality-Puberty-Beyond/dp/1885477880/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366832346&sr=8-1&keywords=jerry+newport

     

     http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-About-Dating-Relationships/dp/1849052697/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366832425&sr=1-1&keywords=aspergers+and+dating

     

     

     

  • One option would be to seek out a therapist to help him create a plan to put himself out there safely. But since there are few therapists serving this population and since he's on disability, this probably has no traction. Could he be interested in an adult support group? 

    www.grasp.com and www.wrongplanet.net are two awesome self advocacy groups for adults with AS. Finding someone he has something in common with would be ideal, even if it's just friends. It could be a hobby, activity or even a support group. Friends sometimes lead to relationships. Grasp even has IRL meetings where he might connect with someone who gets him.

    There are a couple good books specific to AS and dating. I love anything written by Jerry and Mary Newport.

    http://www.amazon.com/Autism-Aspergers-Sexuality-Puberty-Beyond/dp/1885477880/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1366832346&sr=8-1&keywords=jerry+newport

     

     http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-About-Dating-Relationships/dp/1849052697/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1366832425&sr=1-1&keywords=aspergers+and+dating

    ______________________________

    This is great advice.:)

    A plan to put himself out there safely --- a therapist who can throw in some life coach-ery, also.:)

    Wishing your friend luck. LEt us know what happens.

  • Thanks for your replies. He already does do a lot of volunteering, and he has a massively active social life. He used to see a counselor a few years ago, and I don't recall the specifics but it ended badly. I don't think he has looked into doing it again. 

    ETA: I don't think the women he goes for are "out of his league" so to speak. They are pretty average looking to me. 

  • right but he has aspergers which is pretty unconducive to maintaining a normal adult realtionship

    I'd leave it alone 

    My little girl is growing up! (born 12/09) Little brother is here! (born 5/2012) Thank you Lord for my precious family!
  • imagesuperspecialsnowflake:

    If he were my best friend, I would openly point out his bitterness.  "Best Friend, you really seem bitter about this...." and then leave that statement open for his response.  Follow up with your concerns about the permanent affect on his bitterness, and try to help him find some resources to work on that, if he is open to doing so.

    All you can do is be there for him- you can't change him personally.  That's something he needs to want to work on himself, possibly with the help of a professional. 

    All of this.  Your heart is in the right place though!

    MrS. tHeRiOt
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards