Relationships
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Husband issues

So I have been married for four years and have had the same issues the entire time. My husband refuses to get a better job. When we met in 2006 I was a student in college and working full time as well. In 2008 I graduated and in 2009 we had our first son. We bought our first home the same year our son was born from his parents and it was a disaster. It needed new plumbing, new walls, new wiring, had no heat, and was awful. My husband refused to fix it so our son was safe, so I left in 2010. In January of 2011 I agreed to try again even though I had filed for divorce because my husband swore he would get a better job that could support our family and he sold that house back to his parents. In 2012 we had our second son and bought another home. This house is in the same shape and was also owned by his family. He still works 2-3 days per week, making minimum wage and won't listen to me that he needs to be working where he has a full time schedule and somewhere that offers benefits. He also refuses to fix this house and I'm worried about our boys. I don't want to leave again and cause my two sons mental distress but I can't get him to see that I shouldn't be working 55-60 hours a week while he works 20. Am I wrong to want him to find a better job? I don't know what to do. He tells me all the time that I just don't understand and he shouldn't have to work harder. I work to care for my sons, one of which has a medical condition and has to have insurance, and to pay his $400 a month car payment. I'm sick of it and don't know what else to do but leave. Any suggestions?

Re: Husband issues

  •  Does your H only work part time because he stays at home with the kids?  If not, I don't mean to sound negative, but from the situation you described, it doesn't seem as though providing for his family is high on your husband's list of prior

  • Honestly I would consider this abandonment, maybe not physically but he is not caring for you financially. I am not saying he has to make more then you or work 60 hours a week, but he is not providing meeting the basic financial needs of your family. H

    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
    Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
  • At this point, you have 4 years of evidence to prove he is not going to change. Why do you keep expecting him to turn into someone else? 
  • I'm a little confused here.  After the situation with your first house turned out to be such a disaster, why did you then by a second house in really bad condition from his family?

    I agree with doglove- can you provide a little more detail a

  • image doglove:
    At this point, you have 4 years of evidence to prove he is not going to change. Why do you keep expecting him to turn int
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Part of why I came back is because he got a better job. And both times we took the homes to help his parents or his grandfather. The second time was suppose to be temporary while we saved for a home that would be safe and secure. Six months after coming h
  • I do not believe I need counseling to find out why I made the same mistake twice. I was lied to about changes he was going to make. I trusted the man I vowed to spend the rest of my life with and I was wrong. He says I'm nagging him when I say he needs a
  • image Simsr09:
    I do not believe I need counseling to find out why I made the same mistake twice. I was lied to about changes he was goin
    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
    Baby Girl loved for 16.5 weeks. 3/1/12
  • image Simsr09:
    So I have been married for four years and have had the same issues the entire time. My husband refuses to get a better jo
  • It sounds like this guy was this way before you married him and now you expect change? It doesn't work like that. It's sad that he won't step up for the kids, but what can you do?  Does he give you a reason as to why he won't work more hours? Why did
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since September 2012
  • He works 20 hours a week, has no desire to work more, doesn't take care of HIS children, and knows your unhappy but doesn't care.

    Why exactly do you want to stay with him?  And before you say "for our sons" - think about that a little more.&

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Okay, with that additional information, it sounds like you just need to end this marriage.  I'm glad to hear that you've got a lawyer involved.  Don't worry about his threat to take the kids from you.  Given that he refuses to take care of
  • image renegade gaucho:
    Don't worry about his threat to take the kids from you.  Given that he refuses to take care of them either fina
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I agree, and I think that it's horrible that he has threatened that. I think what he is really afraid of is not you leaving, not his sons leaving, but the gravy train he is riding leaving.

    You are the primary breadwinner. And he doesn't have to

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • image Simsr09:
    I do not believe I need counseling to find out why I made the same mistake twice. I was lied to about changes he was goin
  • No, he never went to school. I received my bachelors December of 2008. I also earned my Insurance licensing for all lines in 2011. I did that to make sure that I always have a back up. His reasoning for not finding a better job is so he can start schoo

  • He quit because he said it wasn't "fun". He turned out to be just like his father, lazy.
  • image Simsr09:

    No, he never went to school. I received my bachelors December of 2008. I also earned my Insurance licensing for all lines

  • image Simsr09:

    No, he never went to school. I received my bachelors December of 2008. I also earned my Insurance licensing for all lines

  • I think that you already have all your answers. Just think it over. It is really hard decision, but get rid of all excuses. Do not put up with his lies. You have to be alright in order to be able to care for your kids - becau
  • I'm sorry you're going through this, and I understand how you hope and hope that things will be different, and end up putting up with crap you never would have imagined putting up with.

     It sounds like its more than time to stop putting up w

  • you actually need counseling for your dependency on this man.

    This is a type of abandonment and yes Id leave now. You are putting your children in danger financially and the fact you are afraid to leave your sons alone with him says it all. get o

    My little girl is growing up! (born 12/09) Little brother is here! (born 5/2012) Thank you Lord for my precious family!
  • I do not need counseling for dependency issues in regards to my husband. If I had dependency issues I would t be asking for advice, nor would I be the one supporting him. I just don't want to make a rash decision and wanted objective opinions. I've alread
  • cut out the financial support. he is an adult. you are very dependent on him or lack self confidence, None are shameful just get some help!

    Counseling would be a good consideration both for you and for the two of you whether you proceed to divorc

    My little girl is growing up! (born 12/09) Little brother is here! (born 5/2012) Thank you Lord for my precious family!
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