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Husband doesn't seem motivated to find a job.

Hi everyone. I've been married for about a year and half.

I'm 28. I graduated from dental school three years ago and am in the last 100 days of my residency program - I'm an Endodontist (a root canal specialist) and I got a great job back in December, which I will be starting this July. My salary is basically a percentage of how many procedures I do, so I don't know for sure how much I'm going to make. We're moving 4 hours away from our current home.

The bad news is I have a LOT of student debt. A lot. 

My husband is a 31 year old who is a vet of the US Navy and went back to college on the GI bill. He graduates in April. The good news is he doesn't have any debt. The bad news is, he doesn't have a job. He applied for a bunch back in January, but he hasn't heard from anyone except one position, who wanted "immediate" people, and he couldn't start until after his graduation.

He's a good guy. But he procrastinates all the time. He doesn't seem motivated in this job search. And I am worried what is going to happen when I start working.

My salary as a doctor is obviously going to be a lot higher than his will be right out of school, but I have to pay $3,000 (low plan) to $5,000 (accelerated plan) every month into my student loans. After taxes, loan payments, and bills, that does't leave a lot of money left over. Especially during this time period when I'm trying to pay down my loans, it's really important for both of us that he gets a job. 

I'm also scared because I never wanted to be a "sugar momma" with a stay-at-home husband. (We don't have any kids, fyi.) I'm afraid he'll sit around playing videogames while I work long hours. A lot of people make jokes to him about how lucky he is to have married a doctor and he gets to do whatever he wants, but I didn't sign up for that. He says he wants to work, but I just don't understand why he isn't trying harder to find a job. He applies, but doesn't follow up or send emails or make calls. I had a business dinner with a bank, and the guy said to give my husband his card and have him send them his resume. But, he never followed through with it. 

I don't know what to do. He gets upset at me when I ask him about it and says he will get a job. He quotes some stat that 96% of the students in his college program have jobs 4 months after graduation, but when I asked him what kind of jobs (like are they working in their field or did they take an hourly position to make ends meet?) he says he doesn't know. I told him about the NYT article that said less than half of college grads have jobs, and he told me I wasn't being supportive.

I just keep thinking of that phrase "Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

I'm really frugal... I cut corners wherever I can with groceries and the house stays 60 degrees. I don't mind being frugal when I finish my residency - I know that "living like a student" is the best way to pay off loans fast, but I mean, eventually I want to set the thermostat at 68 and have cable, you know?  

I just feel like he's not playing on my team with me. I feel like I did my part - I got a job, I got a future set up. But he just doesn't seem to want to carry his own weight. He keeps saying, "When we get up there it will be easier to get a job." How is that possible when no one has really called at all?

After we got into a huge fight tonight, I left and went to the medical library and I've been here for four hours doing work. He was upstairs being mad, so I didn't even tell him where I was going. Needless to say, he hasn't called. Shouldn't he be a little worried? 

I didn't think I was going to be dealing  with so much during our second year of marriage. I know it's a stressful time - I'm finishing residency, he's finishing school, student loans will be kicking in, we're moving. But... is it supposed to be this difficult?

I need some help. 


Re: Husband doesn't seem motivated to find a job.

  • No, it is not supposed to be that hard. Yes, life sucks sometimes and the economy sucks also right now, but that just means you have to work even harder. But what is not supposed to happen is your spouse is not supposed to be the one making it harder f

  • My wife has been looking for a job since she graduated in Sept 2011!  The economy just plain sucks right now.  And she's really getting discouraged about it to the point where it's really stressing her out (we don't need the income).


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  • I honestly think you may be over reacting. It is not like he's 31 and has never had a real job, I am guessing he was in the navy for 8-12 years and then went to school. He has not graduated yet nor are you on location. I use to work in HR and many resu

    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
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  • I think you need to take a chill pill for a minute.  He's clearly a motivated individual--navy, college, NO debt. He's completely relocating for your job, 4 hours from where you currently reside--to be supportive of your goals/dreams.  Give t

    Where there is love, there is life.-Ghandi
  • See my problem isn't that he doesn't have a job yet. It was the things in the OP that made me feel he's being a bit flip about it, like he's not concerned about finding a job. Like how he said oh almost everybody gets a job within 4 months. We all know

  • Has the procrastination been a long-term thing? If so, you shouldn't be surprised it's coming up now. It's probably always been there you're just angrier now because you ...thought it would change?

    There seems to be a fair bit of communication mi

  • Yikes...and as painful as a root canal, is this news:

    My salary is basically a percentage of how many procedures I do, so I don't know for sure how much I'm going to make. We're moving 4 hours away from our current home.


  • I just want to say, finding a job right now SUCKS, especially being a new grad.  I'm not sure what he's getting his degree in, but many places wont even consider you until you have the degree in hand.  Many companies do now want to waste the

  • I have an idea:

    He is a veteran.

    Most unemployment offices have a veterans service division -- there are vet reps and counselors at the unemployment office who specialize in helping vets who are out of work. He needs to see somebody in that
  • image budsy123:
    Also, some people take not getting any responses VERY HARD.

    My wife is one of these.  She'

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • First of all, most of the people on here seem ridiculous. You have a right to your feelings and insecurities about both your husband and your relationship, no matter how much you love him. Don't let these people judge you or him. It sounds like he may nee
  • Thank you for posting this. I am going through the same situation, more or less. The difference is my husband doesn't even have his GED and can't get more than the manual labor jobs he's been doing for his whole life. We're going to work on getting his

  • I have to agree with some of the previous posters. It's not easy to find a job, especially in this economy. Not sure where you are from, but in smaller towns it's that much harder to find a job. However, if all he is doing is sending in resumes without

    Expecting Lyla May Hayden on July 4th, 2013
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