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How to stop harassing mother - moving

I've posted about my mother before. She's disrespectful, lies, ruins special occasions yet she is never to blame/never sees the error in her own ways even when called out on her actions. Our last conversation ended with me saying I will continue our relationship if she apologizes or agrees to go to therapy. She says she's been to therapy, she'd apologize for anything, but, "doesn't know what she's apologizing for/doesn't know what I'm talking about." I've since tried to cut ties: blocked her on facebook, changed my number. She still knows where I live (although I will be moving in March), and every 2 weeks I get some kind of "I miss you" card, the last 1 read simply, "I love you...past, present, future." My grandmother sends cards too, mostly calling me misguided. They end up right in the trash. If she sends another one, I'm tempted to write something on it like this:

"This is a written warning to stop these harassing letters"

Or is this stirring the pot? Should I just let it go, move and have her cards eventually returned to sender once I move? Also, I'm positive that other family members will request my new address and most likely forward this information to my mother. If people request it I think I'll just say that I'd be happy to have them over once we are settled...

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Re: How to stop harassing mother - moving

  • Don't reply.  ANY reaction tells her that she's getting through to you.

    As for when you move - I'd ask family to not pass on your address, and really, I'd consider not giving it to grandma either.  But... I realize that this might not be realistic. 

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  • Ditto ECB. And please try and be honest with yourself. Your mom may never change, but the one thing that can change is how you react to her. Work on that and maybe then you can work on accepting your mom for who she really is. 
  • Yep. There is nothing more to be said.

    Newsblackout from here on in.

    And if it gets sticky -- and it might --- get an attorney to get her to cease and desisst.
  • I don't remember your previous posts, so I might be way off base if she's been really heinous.  It sounds like your mom has just been very self-centered, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with her or have regular contact with her, but do you want to permanently sever the relationship?

    I think since they're just letters, you can just toss them as soon as you see them and ignore it.  If she was doing something truly intrusive like showing up at your house, calling you at work, etc. I could see taking a stronger stance, but threatening harassment seems to be taking it a little far and I think getting a lawyer or pursuing legal action would permanently end your relationship.

    If her intrusiveness escalates, I think you can reevaluate the legal action and permanently severing your relationship.  For now, I would just ignore her and leave the door open for her to maybe start acting like an adult and maybe you can re-develop an adult relationship down the road. 

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  • Write return to sender and stick back in the mailbox
  • Ditto, ECB.

     And it sounds like you've told your mother what you need from her in order to reestablish the relationship. I think you should stick to your guns and just do what's best/healthiest for you. Good Luck.  

  • image ldmessing:
    Write return to sender and stick back in the mailbox

    This. There's no law that says you're required to open your mail.

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  • image 1026pumpkin:

    I don't remember your previous posts, so I might be way off base if she's been really heinous.  It sounds like your mom has just been very self-centered, and I can understand why you wouldn't want to pursue a relationship with her or have regular contact with her, but do you want to permanently sever the relationship?

    I think since they're just letters, you can just toss them as soon as you see them and ignore it.  If she was doing something truly intrusive like showing up at your house, calling you at work, etc. I could see taking a stronger stance, but threatening harassment seems to be taking it a little far and I think getting a lawyer or pursuing legal action would permanently end your relationship.

    If her intrusiveness escalates, I think you can reevaluate the legal action and permanently severing your relationship.  For now, I would just ignore her and leave the door open for her to maybe start acting like an adult and maybe you can re-develop an adult relationship down the road. 

     

    She's done both, they both ended badly

    image
  • image EastCoastBride:

    Don't reply.  ANY reaction tells her that she's getting through to you.

    As for when you move - I'd ask family to not pass on your address, and really, I'd consider not giving it to grandma either.  But... I realize that this might not be realistic. 

    ECB are you a therapist? You give great advice, thanks :)

    image
  • why dont you write 'return to sender' on the envelopes and send them back unopened?
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  • When you move, get a PO Box. Give only this address out as your mailing address. Even if it gets back to your mother and she sends more cards, at least she won't know your physical address.
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