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Tips for 'training the new husband'

I'll be straightforward, I'm not the perfect person let alone the perfect wife. The biggest problem I have with him is that he won't check the pockets of his pants before he puts them in the laundry bin ready for washing. It's worrying as I nearly ended up washing his wallet today, it's already been washed once this month.

Our house is close to finishing, carpet's going down today and hopefully the plumbing and electricity inspection are happening this week and then better still the final occupancy inspection. We've been living with his parents, my in-laws, since November as his father in law is the one responsible for the renovations of the fixer-upper house. We did seriously consider finding an apartment but thought the house might be finished by Christmas (we got married in November), though unfortunately it wasn't possible, and as I haven't got a job (I had to move from my home country to marry my husband and as a result have had to jump through some expensive government hoops), money would've been unpredictable.

When the house is finished, it's gonna be a big change. It'll be his first time moving out from his parents' home. I held down looking after a house when I was at uni and I used to take a lot of responsibility at home such as groceries and veterinary appointments and car maintenance, but this time's a bit new as US is a bit different in bills and taxes etc.

Is there any advice for adjusting to this? Things to watch out for? What did you find to be the most difficult trial of a new home as newlyweds?

Re: Tips for 'training the new husband'

  • He isn't a dog. You don't "train" him. You speak clearly, honestly, and kindly about the expectations you have about 'grown up life'. You tell him how you like to keep the house clean. You ask how he feels about it. You decide, together, how you'll live your life and keep your house. If he can't remember to take things out of his clothes pockets, let him do the laundry and deal with the fallout. Maybe he doesn't care. 

    My fiance's behavior has changed a lot since I moved in a couple years ago. We had different ideas of clean, clutter, chores, etc. Get on the same page by talking and compromising, not "training" and treating him like an animal.  

  • The title of your post irks me. I don't understand what you are asking for in your post. Do you want advice on how to divide and handle the finances and household responsibilities or did you marry a man who does not show any signs that he will pull his weight in your marriage and your household? 

    DH and I agree to split some duties (such as taking care of the dog), but compromise on others. I do all of our laundry, he cleans the bathrooms. We split the vacuuming, he does 95% of the cooking and I do the dishes. Some things are not evenly split, but the overall duties are evenly split so no one person becomes overwhelmed. 

    Some people create chore lists for the week and assigns the duties that way.  

     

  • I don't think training was the word you were looking for.

    Communication is key and setting expectations with each other. 

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  • I was being semi sarcastic with the title. I thought I could get some advice from others who have actually had to deal with this problem, on ways to encourage him to empty his pockets consistently prior to laundry since it's a big concern to me that his wallet nearly got washed. Instead I got scolding.

    Thanks for trying though.

  • Stop doing his laundry.

    My husband flips every. single. shirt he owns inside out before washing them.  For some reason, he thinks water can't get to the inside of the shirt (please.  I don't know).  I don't have an extra hour to flip all his shirts the right side out and then fold them so I refuse to do his laundry.  Ahhh.

    As for the rest - I don't train my husband.  I explain to him why I would like things a certain way and ask if he could simply help me out.  He's happy to oblige.  It goes both ways, too.  He likes other things a certain way and I do it also.  Communication is good.

  • image Phantom&Tessa:

    I was being semi sarcastic with the title. I thought I could get some advice from others who have actually had to deal with this problem, on ways to encourage him to empty his pockets consistently prior to laundry since it's a big concern to me that his wallet nearly got washed. Instead I got scolding.

    Thanks for trying though.

    If you do the laundry and his wallet is in there, it's not really your problem. Why is it such a concern? He is a grown up, he should know better.

    My DH will leave things in his pockets sometimes. They get washed and dried and we survive.  

  • On the laundry, it's already been said, but don't do it.  My DH and I have been together for over 20 years.  We still each do our own laundry.  Getting married doesn't mean you, the woman, has to now do HIS laundry. 

    Past that, as said, communication. Talk to him. Tell him what you expect.  But be flexible.  But if he doesn't do what he says he will, DON'T do it for him.  Let him falter- that's the only way he'll learn.

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    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • So either check his pockets before you do the laundry, or tell him to do his own damn laundry. 

    I suppose you could hit him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper every time you wash his pants with stuff in the pockets, but I have no idea how effective that will be.

    But a manchild who has never not lived with his parents?  Best of luck with that.  I have a feeling that not emptying his pockets before laundry is just the tip of the iceberg.  Does he know how to use a washing machine, could he even do his own laundry if you told him to?

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  • image anssett:

    He isn't a dog. You don't "train" him. You speak clearly, honestly, and kindly about the expectations you have about 'grown up life'. You tell him how you like to keep the house clean. You ask how he feels about it. You decide, together, how you'll live your life and keep your house. If he can't remember to take things out of his clothes pockets, let him do the laundry and deal with the fallout. Maybe he doesn't care. 

    My fiance's behavior has changed a lot since I moved in a couple years ago. We had different ideas of clean, clutter, chores, etc. Get on the same page by talking and compromising, not "training" and treating him like an animal.  



    This is only character and common sense to pick up after one's self and keep the living quarters free of squallor.

    That he had some sense of what clean is is promising -- we all do "clean" differently.
  • image Phantom&Tessa:

    I was being semi sarcastic with the title. I thought I could get some advice from others who have actually had to deal with this problem, on ways to encourage him to empty his pockets consistently prior to laundry since it's a big concern to me that his wallet nearly got washed. Instead I got scolding.

    Thanks for trying though.

    Just do your laundry.  He'll figure it out.

    And yeah, you don't train a man like you train a puppy.  You talk to him and come to a compromise that makes you both happy.

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  • How does his failure to empty his pockets before his clothes go in the hamper make you a less-than-perfect person and wife?


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  • My FI and I moved into our house last March. I had lived on my own before, but he was 27 at the time and always lived at home. His parents made sure his laundry was done all the time, and the house was spotless. 

    Now I work 90+ miles from our home, so I travel about 3 hours minimum a day. Which has been the case since FI and I started dating (nearly 4 years ago). So before we moved in we sat down planned everything out as to how to expect living together. He works swing shift, so days one week and night shift the next. We don't see each other that much but we have a mutual understanding that we have equal parts in the chores and cleaning up after ourselves.

    I'll say that he's a great roomie :)

    Good luck! 

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  • I thought the title was pretty funny. haha. Anyway, I've just got in the habit of checking pockets as i'm putting them in the washing machine. It kinda sucks but its better to just do it. It generally doesn't add that much time to the chore. It is also much better than finding out cahpstick went throught the wash and was dried. It gets on EVERYTHING! So annoying.
  • lol - my mom and I joke about training the boys (for her, my dad; for me, my new H)! I am surprised so many people took offense to that - it's just a funny way to think about getting used to communicating about and accommodating another person's habits, and perhaps (each) adjusting your own habits so as to nip arguments in the bud. I get it. :)

    I always check the pockets anyway (I tend to leave a tissue here and there). As a sidenote: When my H does laundry he does ZERO sorting - just tosses everything into the washer then dryer (often not on low heat...sigh). I've suffered the death (shrinkage) of a few shirts this way now.

    Anyway. As the type of person who often leaves a tissue in my pockets, checking pockets is likely something you'll have to add to your laundry-doing routine. It's a really hard habit to break. However, what about putting a cute little sign above the hamper (if you use one) so that before he tosses his pants in he has a reminder to check his pockets? Even just "Check Pockets, Please!" or "STOP! Check Pockets. :)" or make up a little poem and slap it on a plaque or piece of paper as a gentle reminder.

    Our most difficult trial is that we are both "clean" but not "neat." So, our combined untidiness grows quickly. I never know what to do with my clothing that I've worn for like an hour or two (in the evening)..do I put it back in the drawer with the super clean clothes? These clothes aren't "dirty," but they aren't fresh out of the dryer now, either. So I sort my dirty from my "lightly worn" clothing...on the floor of our bedroom. My H, on the other hand, just tosses all clothing all over the place. Is it clean? Is it dirty? Who knows! I do most of our laundry (so he doesn't shrink my stuff, as I referenced above) and fold it...and he rarely puts anything away. That's annoying, but so far I don't really care all that much. I either put it away, or ask him to, and it gets done one way or another. He just doesn't put it away un-prompted.

    Ah, husbands. :)

  • image AliciaB1987:

    lol - my mom and I joke about training the boys (for her, my dad; for me, my new H)! I am surprised so many people took offense to that - it's just a funny way to think about getting used to communicating about and accommodating another person's habits, and perhaps (each) adjusting your own habits so as to nip arguments in the bud. I get it. :) 

    Because it implies that you want your husband to be a certain way rather than respect him for who he is as you married him. 

  • Well, let's be honest, it's a rare couple who love every last habit of one another's. Some people can get upset about it...or you can laugh about it. I choose to laugh about it, mostly.

    Sometimes people on these boards need to lighten up a little! I love and respect my husband. He is just one of those people who's less self-aware about how his habits affect other people (and I am hyper-aware), so he and I even joke about training each other. It's not a put-down in our home, just terminology that makes us laugh. Works for us - doesn't mean it needs to work for you. I don't think the original poster meant to disrespect her husband by her choice of terminology, and I get where she's coming from.

  • One last note @ doglove. My husband's habits - good or bad - don't necessarily define WHO he is. Just because I don't love that he rarely puts clean clothing away doesn't mean I don't love HIM. I love the person I married, but that doesn't mean I have to love how he does (or does not) run a household. It becomes part of the meeting of the minds that IS marriage - and we both have had to adjust in order to most efficiently and effectively run our household. It strikes me as silly to equate a laundry habit with the actual person a husband is.
  • I wasn't saying that everyone will live in peace and harmony with all the attributes of their spouse, but if you wanted certain attributes then you should have married a spouse that had them to begin with rather than trying to change them. 

    For example, my DH is forgetful and sometimes will leave things in his pockets. I don't look through pockets before I do the laundry so it's his loss if something gets destroyed. I am not upset over this situation, nor do I see any reason to change it because it's up to him whether or not he wants to get his crap washed and dried.  

    I merely asked the OP if her wording was such that she wanted to change aspects of her DH or if she wanted to work on the communication in their marriage. I think those are two completely different things.  

  • You need to just speak with him what you expect and how you will feel nice if he do work on some things. I am sure that he will listen to you and see how things will automatically change. Just give him some time to change.
  • I found that it drove me crazy that my husband wouldn't take much innovative & do things like vaccum, clean the carpet, etc on his own. My problem was that I didn't know how to ask for help because I was use to do everything for myself for the last 10 years. So I've learned the best thing to do is each day I make a daily "To Do List' that I share with him. He jumps in then & helps out with what's on the list. Or if I email him during the day & go honey can you start the laundry when you get home, he'll do that but I have to remember to put it in the dryer because he forgets that part.

     So it's communication. Eventually hopefully we'll have more roles and it will get easier, but the to do lists seems to be helping me out. Also I have to make sure not to make the lists too long to allow for some relaxing time each night which is something important to him.

  • image Phantom&Tessa:

    I was being semi sarcastic with the title. I thought I could get some advice from others who have actually had to deal with this problem, on ways to encourage him to empty his pockets consistently prior to laundry since it's a big concern to me that his wallet nearly got washed. Instead I got scolding.

    Thanks for trying though.

     

    Okay, obviously you have never done another person's laundry before.  I'm at my boyfriend's house a lot, so to help out I do laundry and news flash, just like every other man on the planet, he doesn't always empty out his pockets.  Also, if you plan on having kids, you should know that kids also do not empty their pockets.  I have forgotten to empty my pockets before!! How is it you are the only person to never forget??  Don't stop doing laundry like so many women have suggested, consider emptying his pockets part of doing laundry!!  Suck it up! This will be the least of your worries when you are married...also sarcasm can't be read online, so your sarcastic title about training your husband was lost on all of us, and made us really not want to help you.

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  • I automatically check pockets.  I did this as a single woman and a married woman.  I really don't see the big deal.  There are more things to complain about than checking pockets before putting clothing in the washer.  When DH and I moved in together, I really didn't have to train him or tell him what's expected of him.  He's a grown mature man and he was raised to do things 50/50 around the house.  We take turns, we don't assign chores.  it is pretty much, whoever has the time or gets a chance to do this or that.  I will definitely raise my son to always help out around the house and to be self sufficient.  He will definitely have chores at an early age.  My brother wasn't raised that way, at all.  When he moved out, he was lost.  He never did laundry, cook, or even cleaned.  He also was never helpful in the manly chores.  To this day, he doesn't help my dad with a thing!  My DH helps my Dad with everything.
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  • So far, DH has washed his own laundry so this is what my mom always did.  My dad checked his own pockets.  My mom just didn't check pockets.  It wasn't habit.  My little brother had his stuff go through the wash all the time because he didn't check the pockets.  I think he eventually learned to.  

     You basically have three options as I see it:

    1. Let him do his own laundry.

    2. Don't check pockets when you wash.  If his wallet and stuff gets washed, that's his problem, not yours and he'll have to deal with it.

    3. Learn to check pockets before washing clothes. 

  • Wow some people just need to get their attitudes in check and quick jumping to being defensive so quickly. It is a figure of speech people.

    Regardless of that though I feel that with your husband of course you need to respect him for who he is as a person and not talk down to him and all that but there is truth to "training" your spouse. Tell him when he has done something that bothered you like the laundry issue. Follow through with it and don't let it go if this is a real problem for you, that would be the "scolding". Let him know that he has made you happy by "praising" him when he has done something right. That I find with anything if they know that they have made you happy they are going to continue to do those things, because after all he loves you as you do him so he wants to make you happy. With most communication we tend to only focus on the things that bother us instead of "praising" our spouses for all the good things that they do as well, then we seem to turn into nags and they start to tune us out. So I feel by looking at it as "training" we are forced to look at the whole picture the positive and negative.

    This is why for me it is "training". So for the record and to anyone who automatically got defensive, dogs are not the only ones that are trained. We go to a new job and get on the job "training" people are trained all the time. I am not saying that men are the only ones that get "trained" I would think it would go both ways. So in reality however you want to term it whether it is "training" or learning to communicate it really is the same thing.

  • Yes mam...don't worry. They love to scold people on here. I see where you are coming from. Only wash your clothes and his shirts. Lol.  

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