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Had a miscarriage and haven't heard from my MIL

So I had a miscarriage last week and went in for my D&C las Thursday. No one including my mother had any idea I was even pregnant. My hubbs emails his mom the day before my surgery to let her know what's going on b/c he doesn't want to talk openly about our situation while at work. 

Long story short, she calls him on Sunday to basically give him a guilt trip for not calling her regarding everything that was going on with me. He kindly explains that he's had a crazy busy week on top of our miscarriage and having to be there for me. She proceeds to give him a hard time about he doesn't call her more often and that she feels like she's the last to know anything. She is also kind of insulted that we are taking my mom on vacation as a thank you for all the free babysitting she has done for us the past 3 yrs even though we kindly told her that its not personal. Besides, we have taken numerous trips with just her and that side of the fam. But anyways!

My MIL always has a way of making things about her somehow even when it clearly is not. My hubbs spent over an hour on Sun trying to explain to her that he has not been available to give her every detail b/c of work and me.

So despite all of this, I still have yet to receive an email or call to ask me directly how I'm doing. WTF? Could she seriously be holding a grudge even though I'm going through something so horrible? 

Re: Had a miscarriage and haven't heard from my MIL

  • Who knows.  Maybe she's a raging self-centered bictch.  Screw her.  You've got bigger fish to fry right now.

    Take care of yourself.  Give yourself time to heal.

    promised myself I'd retire when I turned gold, and yet here I am
  • She may think you don't want to talk about it.  People don't always know the right thing to do or say.  Anyway, since she sounds like she would just make it all about herself, you might be lucky you haven't heard from her and save yourself some drama. 
  • This sounds nuts and self serving.  Sheesh...:(

    I think you should ignore her tirade and let her get it that the subject is closed. And you've got every right to be pissed that she didn't even call you to ask you how you are.

    If she brings this up again, your H needs to tell her where it's at.

    Sorry for your troubles.
  • image ClaryPax:
    She may think you don't want to talk about it.  People don't always know the right thing to do or say.  Anyway, since she sounds like she would just make it all about herself, you might be lucky you haven't heard from her and save yourself some drama. 

    I'm so sorry about your loss.  I agree with clary pax.  I also feel really bad for your husband that he had to spend so much time justifying himself to her when she should have been comforting him. 

    BabyFetus Ticker; Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • She won't call you, it won't even enter her mind to call you. Her business is 100% about herself. She is selfish. She keeps showing you both this over and over. Next time you and your H should get this and stop telling her things she doesn't need to be told. Also, your H should stop trying to explain things to her, she is and will only use his excuses against him. They maybe true and valid but he is only setting himself up for her guilty tirade. 

     I also want to tell you I'm so sorry for your loss. Make sure to take care of yourself and reach out and surround yourself with things and people who care.  

  • image MLE2010:

    She won't call you, it won't even enter her mind to call you. Her business is 100% about herself. She is selfish. She keeps showing you both this over and over. Next time you and your H should get this and stop telling her things she doesn't need to be told. Also, your H should stop trying to explain things to her, she is and will only use his excuses against him. They maybe true and valid but he is only setting himself up for her guilty tirade.   

    First of all, very sorry for your loss.

    And then "ditto" the above.  You and your DH need to start working with who your MIL is, not who you WANT her to be.  It's very, very clear that she isn't going to call you.  She isn't going to think of you all and what you're dealing w/.  She's only going to think of her.

    YOu'll be a lot let upset by her if you would start accepting reality.  Truly, you will be! 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • It might help you to think about this from another perspective: do you even want her to call you?  If she always makes everything about her and uses every opportunity to lay a guilt trip on someone, she's going to do that to you- she's already doing it to your husband.  Would talking to her right now make you feel any better?  If she did call, she certainly wouldn't be doing so to offer comfort and support.

    I completely understand why you're frustrated (your MIL sounds a lot like mine), but try to be glad that she's not horning in on you with her nonsense while you're going through a difficult time.  It's unfortunate, but everyone else is right- you just need to accept that she's kind of a jerk and adjust your expectations accordingly.

  • Didn't you post recently about your MIL being upset that she isn't invited on your family vacation, even though you are taking your mother along and paying your mother's way but still receiving financial help from your MIL to make ends meet?

    If so, I think that would have a lot to do with this as well, because first she is feeling like nothing more than a bank of mom to her son and his wife, take the other MIL on holiday and she is clearly unwelcome to join and now that her son is going through a difficult time he didn't even call her - because he didn't need money, I guess.

    Sounds harsh, but if the above is true then I can see where her reaction is coming from, and don't think it's as bizarre and insane as pp.

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
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  • image Tofumonkey:

    Didn't you post recently about your MIL being upset that she isn't invited on your family vacation, even though you are taking your mother along and paying your mother's way but still receiving financial help from your MIL to make ends meet?

    If so, I think that would have a lot to do with this as well, because first she is feeling like nothing more than a bank of mom to her son and his wife, take the other MIL on holiday and she is clearly unwelcome to join and now that her son is going through a difficult time he didn't even call her - because he didn't need money, I guess.

    Sounds harsh, but if the above is true then I can see where her reaction is coming from, and don't think it's as bizarre and insane as pp.

    Actually, if you read her previous post, it's OP's mom who has helped them out, not her MIL, and they wanted to take her mom on a trip as a way of thanking her for that.  So I'm not sure where you got the idea that they treat MIL as a bank and only talk to her when they want money.

  • Her mom helps her with free babysitting- I thought the MIL was supporting them financially because OP isn't able to work. Perhaps I read it wrong.

    In that case, OP's MIL is a psycho. Or, there is something that the OP and her husband are doing that MIL is reacting to, which could be worth examining.

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • perhaps your Dh needs to stop 'kindly explaining' and tell her to go f herself and her selfishnes. and i'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.
    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • image renegade gaucho:
    image Tofumonkey:

    Didn't you post recently about your MIL being upset that she isn't invited on your family vacation, even though you are taking your mother along and paying your mother's way but still receiving financial help from your MIL to make ends meet?

    If so, I think that would have a lot to do with this as well, because first she is feeling like nothing more than a bank of mom to her son and his wife, take the other MIL on holiday and she is clearly unwelcome to join and now that her son is going through a difficult time he didn't even call her - because he didn't need money, I guess.

    Sounds harsh, but if the above is true then I can see where her reaction is coming from, and don't think it's as bizarre and insane as pp.

    Actually, if you read her previous post, it's OP's mom who has helped them out, not her MIL, and they wanted to take her mom on a trip as a way of thanking her for that.  So I'm not sure where you got the idea that they treat MIL as a bank and only talk to her when they want money.

    Is this MIL cold and a bit self-centered, you betcha....

    But if my son is having such money problems, that his MIL

    A) "helps me out a considerable amount financially since I am only able to work very part time which makes me feel extremely guilty but that's a different post" and

    B) provides free daycare around "works full time and never takes a vaca" all the while

    C) offering to pay for her vacation to Puerto Rico, only then

    D) to get his wife pregnant again,

    I too may have a hard time responding in the way my DIL deems appropriate. I too might be a bit hurt that I was not included in my son's life, both positives and negatives (I do agree that she is not entitled to that information) even though I can see that my DIL's family has been kept up to date.

    And if you read the OP of this chapter, you will notice that the OP did not say that MIL MENTIONED the trip again, but that MIL is insulted by not being invited. 

    I am very sorry for the OP's loss. I am.  I actually do know these feelings of loss.  But instead of focusing on your MIL, why not just focus on you.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I think some of the PPs have got it wrong. When I look at the OP's previous post, she says that HER mother helped a lot with babysitting and financially. Her MIL did not do those things.

     Here it is:

    Oh boy so here's the little dilemma we are in. My sweet hubbs has kindly offered my mother an all expense paid trip to Puerto Rico with us and our 3 yr old son. Its a thank you for all that she did for us when my son was a baby as she was always there to watch him while we worked. She has cared for him on numerous date night and wedding occasions. She works full time and never takes a vaca except when its something medically necessary like the surgery she recently had. My mom also helps me out a considerable amount financially since I am only able to work very part time which makes me feel extremely guilty but that's a different post.  

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • What a selfish b!tch.

     "Mom, I haven't had time to call because I've been busy comforting my wife over the loss of her pregnancy."

     "Well I'm pissed that I don't get a free vacation like her mother does!"

     

    SERIOUSLY?  What a twunt.  (Yes, that IS a mix of a twat and a "c word".)

  • image alithebride:
    perhaps your Dh needs to stop 'kindly explaining' and tell her to go f herself and her selfishnes. and i'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

    This. And I'm very sorry for your loss. 


  • I'm just playing devil's advocate, but there were a lot of people who I am/was  very close to who didn't reach out after we had our loss (20w loss).  While it hurt and I'm not justifying it, I think that sometimes people truly don't know what to say and feel like bringing it up will make it worse.  Yes, it is a selfish non-response, but I think it's human nature for the topic to be uncomfortable.
    IUI - BFP! Baby boy born still - August 2012
    IVF - BFP - miscarriage June 2013
    FET - BFN
    FET - BFN
    Switched clinics
    IVF with PGD - three embryos created, all healthy - July 2014
    FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
    Baby Boy born July 2015

  • image loves2shop4shoes:

    What a selfish b!tch.

     "Mom, I haven't had time to call because I've been busy comforting my wife over the loss of her pregnancy."

     "Well I'm pissed that I don't get a free vacation like her mother does!"

    SERIOUSLY?  What a twunt.  (Yes, that IS a mix of a twat and a "c word".)

    Read the original post.  The Poster did not say that the MIL brought up the vacation in response to the miscarriage conversation.

    The poster very clearly stated "She is also kind of insulted that we are taking my mom on vacation as a thank you for all the free babysitting she has done for us the past 3 yrs even though we kindly told her that its not personal."

    All is stated in past tense and using the pro-noun WE - as in they talked to her about it.  OP did not currently talk to the MIL.

    The OP brought the whole vacation up to help bolster just how awful her MIL is (somethign we all do) but it has nothign to do with the current issue.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what it is you are going through.

        As for MIL she needs to back off. It sounds like just from the post that she's one of these people that is has to all be about her. This is something though your Hubby needs to take care of. He needs to sit her down and see what's going on. It might be something that is easy to fix. That being said if she is unwilling to sit down with him and talk that's her choice. Keep contact short and when she asks why let him tell her the reason. She might also be hurt about being told in an email, it's not personal, I understand the reasoning but he might had been better waiting till away from work to give her a quick call.

      For now ignore her, concentrate on healing yourself and your family.

  • image alithebride:
    perhaps your Dh needs to stop 'kindly explaining' and tell her to go f herself and her selfishnes. and i'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage.

    DITTO!!! She made something that was clearly NOT about her into how it affects her. What a selfish b!tch. You're better off not getting a phone call from her. It would not really help you feel any better.

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