Married Life
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Questions for Married Women or Women who have been in a relationship for 5 + years...

Hi there!

 I am hoping people who reply will read the top subject because I would like serious answers.

Some background: I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and have been married for almost 1. He is the love of my life and I really want to spend forever with him.

 Since we got engaged his sex drive has belittled more and more... I have mentioned it to him numerous times and he says there isnt an issue ( I'm very honest and ask- is there another woman? is it me? is it my looks? can I do something else? )We have sex 1-2 every 2 weeks. I am a scorpio and have quite the sex drive... but still I think that is very unusual for people who are in love.

We own our own place and financially do pretty well for our age (25-28)- meaning our bills are paid without a lot of worry. Also, he has a very hard time growing up and that has always been an issue of mine with him. In the last few years he has juggled jobs, been unemployed, and doesn't have the drive to look for jobs. I have discussed with him numerous times- sad, angry, informative, serious, etc. However, he doesn't look for jobs and is content on what he makes. He has no outlook for our financial future and when you ask him what he wants to do, he has no idea. I've suggested things, helped him, made his resume, been really supportive and I'm starting to reach an end with both of these issues....

 What are your suggestions? Please only reply seriously and don't yell or comment on my life unless its to help.

Thanks so much!

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Re: Questions for Married Women or Women who have been in a relationship for 5 + years...

  • You guys have been together 7 years. It's normal for the frequency of your sex life to be a bit less than it was 4 years ago and it sure will be a lot less frequent than when your relationship was brand new.

    Twice a week wold be superb.  I strongly suggest you sit and talk to your H in a venue out side the bedroom.

    Try the living room on Saturday or Sunday --- no interruptions -- just you and him -- and talk at length about your sex life.

    Tell him you'd love it if you and he could shoot for twice a week.  It wouldn't have to be morning sex (not a lot of people are a fan of morning sex; I am not) and even if it was *just* weekend sex where the 2 of you are relaxed, it would be great.

    You could pick up the ball on this -- jump into the shower with him and let nature take its course. Or you invite him into the shower with you.  Get a nice warm bath going, add some music, some wine and some munchies and invite him into the bathroom for a tub party --- how can he resist???

    Maybe the 2 of you are also in a sexual rut.  Get some sex manuals and don't be afraid to try something new.

    The job market stinks. I am looking also and It is insane what I see --- some of these job managers don't even have a clue.

    Yesterday I called one of them to follow up on a job -- the ad was still running; I spoke to him last Monday and Wednesday at length about a possible job interview -- and the guy didn't even remember me at all. Who knows what happened there???

    I remember a time where I looked for a job and found one within 6 weeks; my phone was practically ringing off the hook --- I applied to 6 jobs, had 5 interviews and had an offer from one of them within 6 weeks of beginning my search.

    He can't give up and he can't just abandon the search.  It's essential that there be a 2 income household otherwise you and he will have a tough time affording even the bare esentials.

  • My new H and I have also been together for over 7 years, married for just 1 month.

    When you do have sex, who initiates it? If you approach him to have sex, will he reject the idea? Or do you wait until you can tell he's in the mood to approach him?

    Everybody's different, so while I doubt your H's sex drive is the norm for his age group, maybe he just requires different things to get in the mood. I think a lot of guys are visual (duh)...but maybe your H wants touch? Perhaps you could try offering a massage, and make it sensual? (Sorry if you've already tried everything like this!!) Do you think your H has any insecurities about his body that hold him back?

    When my H and I discussed sex during premarital counseling, we were warned about how life takes its toll (on you, your energy, and your time!) and we were encouraged to literally schedule in time for sex if we find that things are getting in the way. Of course this appeals to me, and my go-with-the-flow H would prefer spontaneity! Whatever, I just schedule it in my own head and then he's thrilled when I'm ready and willing. I imagine finding time for sex will be particularly difficult once children enter the picture (do you have kids??). So, heck, sit down with your H and schedule some sex! Maybe it could help him to have it to look forward to/mentally prepare for?

    The lack of ambition is another (although perhaps related) issue, of course. Is your H depressed or is he just a go-with-the flow/not Type A guy? My H manages depression and anxiety, so I've seen that affect his ambition and attitude over the years. His sex drive has remained unaffected, but everyone is different. He definitely feels down easily about employment (although he has a fine job, even if it's not his dream job).

    Obviously the stock response is: talk to your H about these issues. That's real helpful. So, if you try to talk to your H about all of this and he isn't communicative or receptive...schedule a counseling appointment. At the very least, it forces you both to sit in a room together and have a conversation about things. I loved our premarital counseling because we simply had couple time to discuss our goals, plans, and challenges.

    Also, try scheduling an appointment with a financial planner. Pre-engagement, my MIL scheduled one for me and her son so we had input on what housing we could afford/what our financial plan would be going forward. The planner emailed us a very comprehensive Excel spreadsheet for budgeting, and it gave us good incentive to think about where we put our money, where we can save, and what our financial goals will be. Not that we meet our budget every month, but it put financial planning on our shared radar. Maybe that could be helpful to get your H on board with seeing where you are, and how you can stay living comfortably...and get him thinking about his contributions to that!!

    Finally, is something else going on with your H? Maybe it's not anything about you, maybe it's just him. Does he have anyone in his life who puts him down? Is he stressed with household responsibilities? Is he just tired, does he sleep well? Sounds like there are things going on that he's just not talking about yet.

    GL! I hope your H gets his sexy back. :)

     

  • I'm in my mid 50's, probably your Mom's age, LOL, so take this as advice from your Mom, or "mom-like" person in your life. I've been married for a year and a half, had very serious, long term relationships before, obviously! at my age!

    I am not saying you are nagging him............you have every right to ask the questions you are. But, if I put myself in his position, you want more sex, and want him to grow up and be responsible. He may be withholding both simply because he resents you going after him for this stuff. It's psychological, not personal.

    I won't get into the whole "Mom-replacement" thing you may be for him, but I think your answers will come from a counselor, not us.  No one doubts your love for him, or the fact you are possibly the main financial support. But trust me, you cannot change people, they have to want to change. It's that simple. Doing, or helping with his "job search stuff" isn't a help, it's a crutch, and a constant reminder that he's not "up to snuff" in your eyes.

    Seek out a professional's assistance. These are not things you can fix, only he can, with input from someone else, not you. If he won't go, go yourself to have someone outside the situation to talk to and gain wisdom from.

    I don't mean to sound critical, that's the last thing I'd do. But you need to discuss this with a professional, and that's not us.

    Good luck.

     

  • image Sue-n-Kevin:

    I'm in my mid 50's, probably your Mom's age, LOL, so take this as advice from your Mom, or "mom-like" person in your life. I've been married for a year and a half, had very serious, long term relationships before, obviously! at my age!

    I am not saying you are nagging him............you have every right to ask the questions you are. But, if I put myself in his position, you want more sex, and want him to grow up and be responsible. He may be withholding both simply because he resents you going after him for this stuff. It's psychological, not personal.

    I won't get into the whole "Mom-replacement" thing you may be for him, but I think your answers will come from a counselor, not us.  No one doubts your love for him, or the fact you are possibly the main financial support. But trust me, you cannot change people, they have to want to change. It's that simple. Doing, or helping with his "job search stuff" isn't a help, it's a crutch, and a constant reminder that he's not "up to snuff" in your eyes.

    Seek out a professional's assistance. These are not things you can fix, only he can, with input from someone else, not you. If he won't go, go yourself to have someone outside the situation to talk to and gain wisdom from.

    I don't mean to sound critical, that's the last thing I'd do. But you need to discuss this with a professional, and that's not us.

    Good luck.

     

    I agree with everything the lady older than my mom said :)  I've been married almost 8 years if that matters lol.

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  • image Sue-n-Kevin:

    I'm in my mid 50's, probably your Mom's age, LOL, so take this as advice from your Mom, or "mom-like" person in your life. I've been married for a year and a half, had very serious, long term relationships before, obviously! at my age!

    I am not saying you are nagging him............you have every right to ask the questions you are. But, if I put myself in his position, you want more sex, and want him to grow up and be responsible. He may be withholding both simply because he resents you going after him for this stuff. It's psychological, not personal.

    I won't get into the whole "Mom-replacement" thing you may be for him, but I think your answers will come from a counselor, not us.  No one doubts your love for him, or the fact you are possibly the main financial support. But trust me, you cannot change people, they have to want to change. It's that simple. Doing, or helping with his "job search stuff" isn't a help, it's a crutch, and a constant reminder that he's not "up to snuff" in your eyes.

    Seek out a professional's assistance. These are not things you can fix, only he can, with input from someone else, not you. If he won't go, go yourself to have someone outside the situation to talk to and gain wisdom from.

    I don't mean to sound critical, that's the last thing I'd do. But you need to discuss this with a professional, and that's not us.

    Good luck.

     

    You look a lot younger that someone in their mid 50's :-)

  • Once you added in the paragraph about him having low career drive, no ideas for the future, I immediately wondered: is he depressed?  It's hard to tell without more details, but maybe it's something to consider?
  • I have been married for over 5 years. And this reply is serious.

    Did you ever stop to consider that maybe he doesn't want a new job? Maybe he is happy with the one he has? Just because you want him to get a different job making more money, doesn't mean he wants to.

    Also, have you ever been through the job seeking process? It can be very discouraging and frustrating and stressful. Add to that a nagging wife, that's a lot for someone to deal with.

    He could resent you for pushing.

    He could be depressed.

    There are many possible issues here.

    Why don't you actually talk to him about what he wants and what he thinks may be the problem? Communication is the most important thing in a relationship. 

  • Responding to all: Thank you very much for your suggestions and opinions. YES, I have talked to him several times about these issues- in MANY different ways... being sad, angry, supportive, etc... but nothing has really changed.

     

    I can see how I would come across as nagging, but really, I am very supportive and all I ask is that he have a path and TRY. He is almost 30 and has no idea what he wants to do...none and refuses to go to school for ANYTHING.

    The sex issue... I don't know what it is. I've tried new things, yes I've approached him, yes.. I've talked to him about it SEVERAL times... this has been an ongoing issue. I've asked is there something I could do, is it me, I've gained and lost 40 lbs... im lost. All he says is its not me, he doesnt see a problem, things just get in the way- tired, work, whatever. Just last night I asked him if he wanted to and he said his stomach hurt BUT this time he did say, he'll make it up to me... so we will see.

     In regards to me seeking professional opinions... I've thought of that, but he will not want to go...so I thought I'd try this. Again, thanks for the suggestions and I will really think about what you've all said. Hopefully something helps

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