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alcoholic parent

Does anyone have/ had a parent or parents that suffer/ed from an addiction to alcohol? or drugs? for the last year my mother has been suffering from it for close to 4 years now due to the death of her father and then her husband within 6 months of eachother.. and as her daughter i did my very best to help, with no results, i tried everything i was on my own at 18 years old with no help.., it ended up pushing me away from her.. i havent spoken to her in 2 years due to her getting ahold of me claiming she was clean and then leaving voicemails at 3 am drunk and high and calling me this that and the next thing.. 

my aunty from the states wants to intervene and try and convince her to move to jersey with her to help her get clean.. 

 im at the time in my life 24 years old where i feel guilty i didnt try harder to help her but i also feel that a parent should not put that on their child...but the pain she feels must have really pushed her so far,

if there is anyone on here that can give me some words of advice, id appreciate it

Re: alcoholic parent

  • I'm sorry for what you have been through. It is not your job to parent and fix your mother. You need to focus on the things you can control in your own life and making good decisions for yourself. 

    Have you thought about individual counseling for yourself? 

  • my dad suffered alcoholism when i was in elementary school. I know how difficult this can be. Also, my mother is showing signs of alcoholism (my parents are divorced) and has been up and down battle with her. My mother and I have also become a bit distant because of this problem. She would call my sister, my brother, or I to actually go there to the state store and buy her alcohol (My brother and I refuse). I would let your aunt take her in. You have done all you can. Don't feel guilty. There was so much I can do for my mother, but there is always a point where you have done all you can. Sometimes you have to let others step in.
  • Ditto PP who suggested counseling.

    Also, check out a local Alanon meeting.  If there's no Alanon, go to AA.  Alanon is for families of the alcoholics.  AA is usually for the alcoholic, but they're not going to turn you away or be anything but kind to you if you go. 

  • YOur aunt's help will amount to the proverbial hill of beans.

    Sorry for your troubles.

    You know how it is: the alcoholic has to realize he or she needs help and he or she will have to be self motivated to get help: do it because he or she wants to get clean and sober.

    No amount of intervention or begging or anything else from another person will work.

    You can't help her --- AlAnon will tell you that (I hope you are attending; if you are not, I suggest you do). She's got to want to help herself.

    Another good resource for you: Adult Children of Alcoholics.

    You are doing the right thing: you have ceased contact with her due to her drinking and the problems it has caused.

    Wishing you luck. Stay strong.
  • i contacted a few people over the phone from alanon and they basically did tell me the same thing "its not your fault that your parent started drinking" etc and i know its not... i stopped contact with her due to the fact i needed to start my own life and figure out who i was.... for awhile in 2007-2008 i was taking care of her, (i wasnt buying her booze or drugs) but i did as any 18 yr old would do, i tried to convince her to get help and i offered to go with her and stay by her side, but she then got into harder drugs and allowed random people to come into our home at all got very dangerous, my boyfriend (now husband) at the time, lived where i live now, and he flew me out to Alberta and he said that until she shows signs of being clean, or at least WANTING to get clean, he wont let me contact her or vise versa as he refuses to let her harm me again.. even though he knows that her condition in general hurts me everyday...  i love my Mom, and i miss who she used to be, but like you said, she has to want the help and admit she has a problem and want to change. 
  • I have an alcoholic mother as well my mother is in the same boat. She can't get herself straight and I've been her "parent" pretty much my whole life. I was a teen parent, also struggled with drugs in my teens. I have over came drugs and my daughter was placed with a very open adoption. I see her all the time! Mothers like ours can be very TOXIC especially if they're calling you at 3am calling you this and that. I have gone through the same.. Then they call and say sorry and think everything is all okay again but it's not. I'm still struggling with how to deal with my mother but most of the time I keep my distance. Maybe family counseling? I would also seek counseling for yourself. 
  • distance has been my best bet so far...i felt guilty at first and my older brother who was very deep into drugs also blamed me and said i abandoned them, at the time i literally had no one, no family, no friends,except for one.. i was so alone, and i felt trapped, when i moved away i wrote my mom a letter and my best friends parents gave it to her a few days after i left, i did not tell her to her face i was leaving her, i did not want to have to see her cry and beg (her usual drug and drinking habit)

    the worse thing was, she turned to our neighbours for help, but she planted her drugs and booze and pipes bongs etc in MY bedroom and told them it was me, and they freaking believed her, im like "look at her, she doesnt even see straight, look at me" and they said "you need god dear, he will help you through your sickness" it fumed me so badly that was another part of why i dont speak to her...she allowed random men into her home at all hours, WHILE her 18 year old daughter was asleep! a few times someone even knocked on my bedroom door asking if i had a light, it was a disgusting mess, my brother informed me when i went to visit him last summer that after i moved away, a gang came in and beat her because she took their money and they destroyed her home, killed her dog.... and i only could think to myself "what if i had been there, i could have been hurt or worse" 

  • Ghastly. Thankfully you are away from there.

    You might try therapy also so that you can start healing from the mess you were exposed to.  This is bad news for all who are invloved.

  • even though its been about 4 years since i moved away, i still remember everything, and 18-19 year old should not have to see the things i did... sad thing also, the home that was destroyed was the only home i knew, my brother said when he went in with the police to get some belongings after showing proof he once lived here, he said her home was filled with used condoms, needles, you name was terrible...i have thought of therapy but i dont know what they could say to help me, they cant change the past, but seeing a therapist may be a good idea as i sometimes look in the mirror and if i smile a certain way, i see her, and it sickens me...i dont hate my mom, i could never hate her, she gave birth to me and for 17 years of my life raised me into a wonderful person...i just hope something snaps her back into reality again...when my grandpa passed away it was hard for me because he was my bestfriend my entire life, then when my dad died, it was like my heart was shattering, but i am a strong person because i was able to pull out of it and take the only positive out of it; they were no longer suffering... my mother can not, she thinks they abandoned her..
  • I can understand your feelings about your mom, but whatever you did it was very right from my point of view. Now try to engage yourself in your work and your hobbies. Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
  • Yeah ive been focusing on my own life, before i moved here, i had no life, no friends, i couldnt get a job because i felt that my place was to take care of my mom, wrong move there, but when you have no one i guess you have to do what you think is best, but my husband and his family have REALLY worked hard the 4 years ive lived here to helping me, when i arrived here i was "broken" i didnt understand what it was like to have actual parents who tare care of their children, my mother in law helped me get a job, and get on my feet, they took care of me like one of their own and i am grateful, my mother in law also feels that SHE will see or speak to my mother before i do to determine if shes actually clean and right again, it makes me feel good knowing im not "alone" i knew i wasnt actually alone, but its harder to believe when youre in the situation you know? 
  • I'm so sorry for everything you've been through.

    Just try to remember that there's nothing you can do, or could have done at the time to fix this.
    Yes, she's your mom and you love her and want her to get better. But she's also an adult who was making her own choices. None of that is your fault.

    I think counseling or Al Anon may be useful to you. Good Luck.

  • My aunt is an alcoholic and drug addict; she abandoned my cousin with her father when my cousin was about 13.  For years they had a rocky relationship which usually ended in my cousin trying to cut her off, and my aunt apologizing and talking her way back, and then being caught with more drugs.  She would steal my cousin's money, electronics, anything she could and sell it for drugs.  (She also stole my grandmother's jewelry and my uncle's guns, but that's another story.)  Finally, my cousin cut her off completely when she was 18.  She's now 25 and has a 2 yr old, and has not ever allowed her mother to meet her little girl.  It's the best decision she's ever made.  My aunt is toxic, and despite repeated attempts from family members to help her clean up, she continues as always.  My cousin, on the other hand, has really grown up to be a great person and a wonderful mother.  Not sure how, since she certainly didn't have a good role model, but she is!  So the point of this story is, maybe cutting your mother out of your life is a good thing, and that you aren't defined by your past or your mother - it's your life!
  • thankyou for sharing this with me... that does help me, alot
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