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porn v. me

I feel like everyone else in the world is perfectly fine with their significant other looking at porn. Although I know this isn't true, it just feels like it. My boyfriend watches and owns some. We've been together for years and he knows I don't have the greatest self image. I 'm not dumb, I've seen it before and I know the girls are always skinny and attractive and basically are everything I'm not. He says he doesn't watch it that much anymore since we got back together but, the fact is is that he still does, whether it be a little or a lot. I suppose cutting back counts for something but I still feel weird with him looking at other girls in that way. He says he the past few times he has watched it, he thought of us. But my question is, if he is happy with me, why would he even need to look at porn? I feel like when we have sex, he thinks about those girls and wishes I looked like them or had their body. I know I need to be more positive about myself but I just can't do it. Someone please tell me what to do :( How do most women cope with their men watching other women have sex??

Re: porn v. me

  • Hi Annie!

    Although not everyone is fine with it, I am one of the wives who is okay with it... every once in a while. I've never really thought about it as a big deal, I don't know why. I just don't think that people watch it to compare the women to their wives, I don't think the women in the videos really do anything for them.. except sexual acts and that's all they think of them as. But you are much more to him. I do think that if he watches it often then he might have a problem and it may be very hard for him to stop watching no matter how much he wants to. Porn addiction can be very hard to stop because the internet is always there and it's so easy to find. I believe he is perfectly happy with you and the sex life you guys have, porn has nothing to do with this really. I guess he looks at porn because it's something he has probably done on the internet his whole life and when he gets on the internet his brain just expects him to go to it and he finds himself there. I think this has a lot to do with the image you have of yourself, I don't think you're confident enough to have your husband look at porn. He should cut back even more or even stop it all together as best he can or maybe you guys should enjoy it together, if that's something you're into. I guess I don't have a problem with my husband looking at these women because I don't see them as a threat to us, I don't believe for a second he ever thinks of them because I'm confident that 1) I look better and 2) he loves and married me, not a porn bimbo. 

  • I'm sorry you're going through this, my boyfriend used to view porn as well and it was very hurtful in many ways.  Thankfully he realized and now understands that it is not ok and he has given it up and now hasn't watched it in over a year and a half! One thing that helped him understand my feelings and come to the conclusion that lead to the change is the movie Fireproof. In fact, last week he came to me and told me he was tempted to view porn but denied the urge because he didn't want to hurt me, he told me he remembered how much the wife in the movie Fireproof was hurt by her husband's habit and he wasn't willing to put me in that position. I hope the movie will be as helpful to you two as it has been for us, or at least it helps begin a fruitful conversation! But if it doesn't help, I hope you have the strength to stand your ground. If you're not ok with him viewing porn that should be enough for him, it doesn't  matter how other women may feel, he's not in a relationship with them, he's in a relationship with you and needs to respect your feelings and take responsibility for how his actions affect you. Good luck and stay strong! You're worthy of love and respect!

  • If his watching porn is a stickling point to you, find another boyfriend -- and one who doesn't give a fig about porn. Not every guy watches porn.

    Say goodbye to him if the porn bothers you so much. GL.
  • You are not at all alone. When me and the hubby started dating, I eventually became aware that he would look at sexual images of women. I don't think most of it would meet the standard of what most would call porn, but he would derive pleasure by looking at images of scantily clad women (or naked women that were just covering up certain parts of their body). I tried to make myself be okay with it, but ultimately I was not okay. I talked to him about it, and he agreed to give it up because he deeply cared about me. I was okay with the fact that he may not be able to give it up instantly, and told him that he could come to me if he was feeling tempted so that I could help him out. However, I made it clear that I would dump him if he continued the habit down the road. There were some bumps, and I almost did leave him when I unintentionally found some images on his computer after I thought he had kicked the habit. When I confronted him, he instantly knew how much he screwed up, and I think he believed for a moment that we were over. But that was his final wake-up call, and he hasn't looked at anything since.

    If you are not okay with it, you need to tell him. Don't make yourself try to cope with his behavior, because it will only make you miserable, which will make your relationship miserable. It's okay for you to have the feelings you have. I also felt like I should be good enough for my hubby (then boyfriend). If you want him to understand, then you need to tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. You also need to make it abundantly clear that you will leave if he can't give it up completely, and be prepared to stick by what you say.

    Best of luck. feel free to PM me if need be. 

  • Well, speaking as a happily married woman who likes to watch porn, both alone and with my DH, I think it's a normal part of sexuality.  For me, porn is just a visual aid, there to give you some motivation or ideas.  It has nothing to do with how I feel about my husband.  It's purely for a sexual release.  We have a good sex life and I'm all for meaningful,emotional sex.  But sometimes it's nice to not have to deal with someone else's emotion and experience.  To just worry about yourself and be done with it.  Porn lets me do that.  So I watch it alone.  DH watches it alone.  We sometimes watch together.  I don't consider it any different than a woman who reads romance novels and then gets horny and jumps her husband that night.  It's all imaginary.  I'd much rather have my husband looking at porn with some stranger in it than fantasizing about one of my friends or something when he's getting himself off.
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  • image Kimbus22:
    I'd much rather have my husband looking at porn with some stranger in it than fantasizing about one of my friends or something when he's getting himself off.

    I agree with this.

    Guys are very visual, more so than women, I think, when it comes to getting turned on. I also think guys get turned on by porn but they are more turned on by their partner, that they actually get to have sex with.

    Don't you ever see an actor in a movie and think about how hot he is? Does that thought on your part have anything to do with your husband? No, you don't find him less attractive just because he doesn't look like the handsome actor. 

    I don't know, I think it is really tough to get a guy who enjoys porn to stop watching it. An addiction to porn is a real issue but other than that it doesn't bother me.  

    [IMG]http://i39.tinypic.com/rkd75g.jpg[/IMG][IMG]http://i41.tinypic.com/23r1e34.jpg[/IMG]
  • I'm a guy who watches porn regularly. I also have regular sex with my wife. She could careless about the porn but some times se goes through my history and opens the browser to some movies and pauses it then leaves me sticky notes that say "I'm totally down to try this". Nothing could be a greater turn on. 
  • image annie0ray:
    I feel like everyone else in the world is perfectly fine with their significant other looking at porn. Although I know this isn't true, it just feels like it. My boyfriend watches and owns some. We've been together for years and he knows I don't have the greatest self image. I 'm not dumb, I've seen it before and I know the girls are always skinny and attractive and basically are everything I'm not. He says he doesn't watch it that much anymore since we got back together but, the fact is is that he still does, whether it be a little or a lot. I suppose cutting back counts for something but I still feel weird with him looking at other girls in that way. He says he the past few times he has watched it, he thought of us. But my question is, if he is happy with me, why would he even need to look at porn? I feel like when we have sex, he thinks about those girls and wishes I looked like them or had their body. I know I need to be more positive about myself but I just can't do it. Someone please tell me what to do :( How do most women cope with their men watching other women have sex??

    Did you guys break up over porn last time?

     

  • Do not feel guilty or let anyone make you feel guilty for you not liking your bf to watch porn.

    I am not ok with my fiance watching porn. I feel like he likes these women more than I do. I am working also on not being so insecure. It's tough.

     

    Try talking to your boyfriend, and if doesn't stop altogether(which is what you want) then move on. 

     You can easily find a man who does not watch porn. Good luck!

     

     

     

     

  • I think that you and he should both read The Beauty Myth, and afterward, the article "The Porn Myth" by the same author.

    And keep in mind this quote by Martin Luther King Jr: "The establishment, the bosses, the whole world can tell you you're wrong.  It doesn't mean you're wrong."

    image
  • image sapphireblue:

    Guys are very visual, more so than women, I think, when it comes to getting turned on.

     

    This is training.  We're all trained in the male gaze (look it up) practically from birth, so that we're indoctrinated into the idea that men look, and we are looked at.  That doesn't mean that it's natural, or that it's something that should be accepted.

    image
  • I'd rather someone tell me they look at porn instead of lie about it. I think it can get out of hand if he starts thinking YOU should look like that, but if he is like most he probably doesn't associate porn with real life.

     

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  • I used to hate when my hubby watched it from time to time, cause guess what we do have our time of the month, and i dunno about you but i am NOT up for any kind of "fun" on that week lol. but in all seriousness if it becomes more frequent or he starts expecting you to look like that then id say a line needs to be drawn. 
  • I understand how you feel my husband used to do the same thing and it bothered me and I thought the same thing you did "is he thinking of those other women?"  After a while is was eating at me so I finally approaching him and asked what was so special about those women.  He said that nothing was special about them that they were just "hot."  I told him I did not like him watching porn and he said he would quit but like all others I was skeptical so he let me set up alert things on his and my computers and so far it's going well.  I know it probably will pop back up but for the moment it is out of the picture.  What you need to do is tell him how you feel about it and why you feel that way and see what he says.  Maybe you'll be able to see his point of view and figure out something to do.  You are not the only one who does not like porn I don't like it either but you'll either work out a compromise or one of you will see the others point of view.  I don't know if this helped at all but I wish you the best.
    Abraswell
  • I think you need to take a long hard look at your own self-esteem and self-worth. Most guys are definitely not thinking about the porn girls when they're having sex with you, they're into you! But it sounds like maybe you can't believe that your man would enjoy your body when you feel ashamed of it.

    Porn is fun and pleasurable just like sex, that's why men (and many women) like it.

     Check out this blog or her books, great resource for learning to love yourself :) http://www.mamagenas.com/ 

  • I watched the movie Fireproof some years ago and enjoyed it, and how it made me think.

    My now-husband and I used to watch/read porn when dating, mostly because it was a long distance relationship and we saw each other twice a year, making the remaining 10 months kinda long and lonely. We talked a lot about it, how it made each other feel: I know he hasn't watched porn since we got married, and neither have I. Being able to curl up together has made it easier.

    Why did your husband first start watching porn? It doesn't lie necessarily within your relationship, but simply a habit that formed from a memory. My husband sheepishly admitted he got addicted as a kid because his biology teacher set him a homework of researching 'breast' and he made the mistake of entering it into google...

    Some people say it's natural to like porn, some don't. Fine enough either way, but communicating about it is important, not locking it into a closet. Ask him about what kind of porn he tends towards. Understanding it is the key to approaching it and whether it should stop or not. If it's damaging your relationship, you need to talk about it.

    Good luck!

    Helen

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