Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Not ready for a baby yet, why is hubby suggesting it all of a sudden?

babies? sooner or later? my husband recently did an "about face"? and I cannot figure out why.

We have been together for 2 years, married for 2 months. He's new in the country and thus starting over, so I'm the main breadwinner. For the record, he does have a FT job and is looking for a better-paying position, but right now I make significantly more money. The thing is, while I'm making more now, due to situations beyond my control, my job is NOT something I can count on in the longrun. Its a long story that I'd rather not get into but I'm not comfortable making any further major life changes, including, but not limited to: no new car even tho I need it, no vacations, no new house, nothing? especially NOT a baby.

Up until a month ago, I thought we were on the same page? I could care less about having a kid and have been upfront and honest about that. He seemed relieved and happy with my perspective. However recently he's been changing his tune about "giving me a child" and it's freaking me out.

I should note that we have a sizable age gap? he's 30 and I'm 37.

Not sure if someone "got to him" or got in his head? "She's nearing 40? end of the baby-making-ability stage? better get a move on!!"

I don't know. I feel like someone planted the idea in his head and am trying to figure out who so I can tell them to butt out. However he's not forthcoming with where or how his attitude change came about.

What the heck? Anyone else go through this too? How do you deal with it? I have enough to think about without dealing with his sudden desire to have babies.

I AM on the pill though? thank God. So, I'm not worried about getting pregnant, I just don't want to hear it anymore. 

Re: Not ready for a baby yet, why is hubby suggesting it all of a sudden?

  • It seems to me, that if you both aren't on the same page, then your opinion trumps his.  Age be damned.  Dh and I have been married for almost 5 years, and we got pregnant with ds, 3 months into our marriage.  While, I would never regret having him, and there is never a perfect time, I wish we would have waited at least a year to get pregnant.  It adds a whole new level of stress to a relationship. 
    [IMG]http://i48.tinypic.com/lb18m.png[/IMG]
  • It sounds like you have several good reasons to delay having children, and it seems strange that your husband won't discuss his reasons with you.

    I think when couples have opposite views on kids, "no kids" wins.  I would sit down with him and discuss your financial concerns and the criteria that you think need to be met before having children (i.e. both of you have stable jobs with XX salaries, benefits, XX amount in savings, etc.).  I think if you have a game plan and a check list for when you'll be ready to start trying, that might help him feel better and shows you're taking each other's concerns seriously.

    I was a little confused about whether you ever want to have kids- if I'm misunderstanding and you don't want to try to have kids at all, then this is a much more serious issue and I think you need to have an honest discussion about whether he will be ok not ever having kids.  If not, that might be a deal breaker....but not sure if this is what you meant at all. 

    BabyFetus Ticker; Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • Could be he simply has changed his mind.

    I suggest you sit down and talk to him at length about his mindchange.  Give it about a month, then bring it up again. See if his mindset is something that's here to stay.

    It's essential that the 2 of you want the same thing. If he's insisting on a child and you do not want one, this can get sticky indeed. GL.
  • Thanks everyone :-)

    I must say, I'm glad to see that I'm not as crazy or unreasonable as I was fearing? it's not that I don't EVER want kids? in general, its never been a priority for me. All I'm trying to get across to DH is that NOW is absolutely not the right time. I'd like to get past the next few months before even revisiting this thought again. LOL

    I realize that there's probably never a perfect time to have kids, but I cannot ignore certain realities: if I'm worried about us two getting by, I don't want to be so irresponsible as to bring a child into this world. And besides, I want to enjoy and get used to just being married for a little while. What's the rush? Okay, I'm not 20? so what. Lots of 40yo women have babies and so can I? 

  • image teri75:

    I realize that there's probably never a perfect time to have kids, but I cannot ignore certain realities: if I'm worried about us two getting by, I don't want to be so irresponsible as to bring a child into this world. And besides, I want to enjoy and get used to just being married for a little while. What's the rush? Okay, I'm not 20? so what. Lots of 40yo women have babies and so can I? 

    You said he was from another country; could this be a cultural expectation?

    And the bolded? The likelihood of getting pregnant in any given month at 35 about 10% contrasted with 22-25% at 25. And 25% of pregnancies are lost at 35 often because of abnormal eggs.

    http://www.socalfertility.com/age-and-fertility/

  • Have you talked to him about this? How you feel and asked him what has changed his mind so suddenly? We can speculate on a message board, but really the person you need to be having this conversation with is him. 
  • have you asked him?
    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Your feelings are valid but so are his.  Instead of focusing on who told him what, focus on listening to his desires and fears.  An open discussion about how you envision your lives if you have difficulty conceiving children is also in order.  Good luck.
  • image teri75:

    Thanks everyone :-)

    I must say, I'm glad to see that I'm not as crazy or unreasonable as I was fearing? it's not that I don't EVER want kids? in general, its never been a priority for me. All I'm trying to get across to DH is that NOW is absolutely not the right time. I'd like to get past the next few months before even revisiting this thought again. LOL

    I realize that there's probably never a perfect time to have kids, but I cannot ignore certain realities: if I'm worried about us two getting by, I don't want to be so irresponsible as to bring a child into this world. And besides, I want to enjoy and get used to just being married for a little while. What's the rush? Okay, I'm not 20? so what. Lots of 40yo women have babies and so can I? 

    I'm 30, been trying to conceive for 2 yrs now, I always thought it would be easy to have a child, just have sex when you ovulate right?  Wrong, women in their 20s have a 20% chance each month of conceiving, it decreases after 30s and after 35, you only need to try 6 months without success for RE to start fertility testing on female and semen analysis on male. You will be offered genetic testing since you're over 35, women over 35 face higher risks of conceiving a baby with chromosomal problems along with you facing placenta previa, gestational diabetes, delivering a baby of low-birth weight among other risks.  I agree that you should get jobs/finances in order and enjoy marriage a little bit longer but just because you see a few women in their 40s have children, doesn't make it the norm. If you think there's a possibility that you might change your mind and will want kids, I have a 'sooner than later' mentality and suggestion about it, perhaps in 1-2 yrs, not longer. Good luck 


  • image teri75:

    And besides, I want to enjoy and get used to just being married for a little while. What's the rush? Okay, I'm not 20? so what. Lots of 40yo women have babies and so can I? 

    Uh, not really. 

    I hate to rain on your parade, and I'm not suggesting that you have a baby RIGHT NOW.  But no, there aren't "lots" of 40 year old women having babies.  At least not easily, they aren't.  Your fertility declines pretty fast after age 35, so you might be looking at thousands and thousands of dollars in fertility treatments and technology just to get pregnant.  And if you do get pregnant, you are automatically considered high-risk due to age, and your risk of complications are significantly higher than for someone even 10 years younger.

    So I actually do understand your husband's rush and urgency.  You do have a finite timeline to have biological children, and you are getting close to the end of yours.   

    I understand where you are coming from too.  It's not a good time, and it's never a good idea to get pregnant when it's not a good time to.  But I think that you and your husband need to have a really serious heart-to-heart sit down very soon - are you going to have kids, or are you not?  And if you are, you both need to make getting things to a "good time to have them" a priority.  Because the hard truth is that you might have 2-3 years left to wait............but you might not.  Biology isn't on your side with this.

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • I've tried having this conversation with him? and it never goes far because he gets frustrated with me for asking questions. 

    Biology is against me as far as time goes? so are our finances? and my job situation? etc, etc. I just wish he would listen to reason and lighten up. If the circumstances of life don't let us have kids that's okay with me? the age factor is the only one truly out of my hands, and if kids were a must-have item, he should have thought of that before marrying me instead of now pressuring me without really talking AND listening to me.

    I just needed to vent? he won't listen so far? and my head will explode if I can't vent, to someone about this. I have enough to manage w/o being pregnant? I can't handle more? not right now. (Unless we win the lotto? LOL)

  • Okay you may not want to hear it but my own opinion is that you need to consider your husbands opinion AND your age. I am younger than you and have some fertility fears and the Nest and the Bump are crawling with ladies unable to have a child. 

    There will never be a perfect time and there will always be more to do or achieve etc. Anyway I would trade it ALL for a child. My DH and I have been around the world and while its been amazing it is fleeting and now all but a memory. A family is forever AND a legacy.

    Finances work out and  other things mend themselves. 

    You mentioned God and God tells us children are a blessing not a burden in Psalm 127

    Pray about it and find peace.  

    For more info visit my blog: http://shockinglydomestic.com
  • FINALLY got DH to focus and talk to me? apparently it was just my age that got him on this (not something anyone told him). I can live with that, its a fact of our life and a fair reason to think about this topic. I'm just glad he told me what he was thinking, and why, so I can respond and we can get on the same page? Thankfully, it appears we agree to wait? and then take our chances? if we can have a kid, great, if not, then that's okay too. Its a relief knowing we agree? even if nobody else does? its our marriage, life and decision. I've learned to set aside what others say and think and I just wanted to make sure he was able to do the same? he's so damn nice (a great quality) and I don't want him influenced by others (it's happened other times and it angers me).

    Well? thanks much for listening! :-) 

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards