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MIL very ugly with my husband and I.

My husband is a good son. He is there for his mom when she needs him and so am I. I knew before we got married that she treats him very different then her other children. She is ugly and says hurtful things when he is the only one of her kids to help her or listen to her problems. After we got married its gotten worse. She calls him screaming at him for problems in her life that she created. This last week she called yelling at him for her relationship with her boyfriend ending. He told her there is nothing he can do but suggest things for her be he can?t fix a problem for her. She was so ugly and downright volatile to him it upset him so much that he wants nothing to do with her for a while. My question is should I confront her about her behavior? She?s has been ugly with me as well she just seems to scream if you don?t react the way she wants you to. Should my husband and I confront her about her behavior or run for the hills?

Re: MIL very ugly with my husband and I.

  • She gets away with this behavior because you both let her. Why are you there for her all the time when she treats you (him) like this? It just sends the message to her that you allow this behavior to continue without a consequence. 
  • I am so sorry to hear this!! While my MIL has treated my H very nastily in the past, I cannot say that she's ever extended that poor treatment to me. It's shocking how badly adults can act!!

    Does your husband want to confront is mom? I'd say that's the first and most important consideration. However, no matter if it's your H or both of you who decided to talk to MIL, just be prepared for whatever consequences may arise out of that. You sound like you'd be ok having less of her presence in your life, anyway.

    I'd probably treat it like an intervention... Remain calm. Tell her that you love her and maybe give an example of a fun or funny time you spent together. Then say that sometimes her behavior can also be very hurtful, and give a few examples of this behavior...add that this is behavior that you will no longer tolerate from her. Then tell her that you'd love to have her in your lives, but if her negative behavior continues you will not accept her phone calls, visit with her, or put up with her hurtful behavior any more.

    I truly wish you good luck!! It'd be a shame for MIL to miss out on this part of her family.

  • Sure you could try confronting her, but I doubt any good would come from it.  She is probably the type of person who feeds on drama. I honestly think that in situationd like this, no repsonse is the best response.  Don't answer her phone calls for a long time.
  • I agree that confronting her is only the best option if you can open yourselves up to her verbal abuse once more. If you (or more importantly, your H) want to feel like you put in your best effort to reconcile, then confront MIL. Otherwise, I agree to stay away and let the silence speak for itself.
  • Sure. Go for it. Be ready to run for those hills!

    Your MIL has her abused child with your H, he is the one that she puts her anger and abuse on. Please look up Narissict Personality Disorder and see if any of the points sound like your MIL. I bet a bunch do. It's a classic sign of this personality disorder.

    It will do no good to confront her, she will never see or admit that she is or has done anything wrong. It will just give more fuel for her fire and victim card. Your H has the right idea by not having contact with her, at some point it may become permanent. The best thing as your Hs wife is for you to follow his lead and do what he wants with dealing with his family.  

  • You have a good point. I guess it?s due to the fact that his father died when he was 13. I brought up in a very strict house hold (don?t speak unless spoken to kind of thing). Although in our own home we are not strict. When she is told she is being ugly by anyone else she always plays the victim and makes you the mean person. I want to stop it but man I?m at the point where I?m going to blow up on her.

  • Follow PPs advice on researching Narcissistic personality disorder.  It might give you some insight into the actions of people like this. 

    I understand the urge to tell her what you think, but again, probably no good would come of it.  She would just turn it around on you and make you the bad guy.  IF she has had a lifetime of turning a blind eye to her own flaws and is the kind of person that can't take constructive criticism or be held accountable for her own bad behavior, then she suddenly won't change because you told her what you think of her. 

    Again, sometimes the best response is no response.  Follow your husband's lead in this.

  • There is also nothing wrong with cutting her out of your lives for your own self protection.  Just because she has a genetic link to your husband, that doesn't mean you both have to make her a part of your lives.
  • image tomandrosa:

    You have a good point. I guess it?s due to the fact that his father died when he was 13. I brought up in a very strict house hold (don?t speak unless spoken to kind of thing). Although in our own home we are not strict. When she is told she is being ugly by anyone else she always plays the victim and makes you the mean person. I want to stop it but man I?m at the point where I?m going to blow up on her.

    You are only human and you probably will blow up. As someone who has a MIL who is nuts, be prepared. See I am the one who is mean, evil and the cause of all wrong in her life. And she has told EVERYONE this. It doesn't bother me in the least, we know the truth and I don't really know the people she blabbing too. Just know what you are stepping into. 

  • Really.

    She gets away with it because nobody's got the balls to speak up and tell her to shut the fook up.

    That's why.

    It's enabling her.

    He's the "only one" who will listen to her because he's got the least balls out of them all to stand up to her.

    The good news: He wants to end contact with her for awhile.  I think it's a great idea to make this a permanent arrangement.

    It's not because he lost a father at 13. She's always been like this --- she might have a personality disorder, she might be mentally ill or maybe she's always been a nasty bleep to begin with.

    Cut her off for good before she ruins your marriage.
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    Really.

    She gets away with it because nobody's got the balls to speak up and tell her to shut the fook up.

    That's why.

    It's enabling her.

    He's the "only one" who will listen to her because he's got the least balls out of them all to stand up to her.

    The good news: He wants to end contact with her for awhile.  I think it's a great idea to make this a permanent arrangement.

    It's not because he lost a father at 13. She's always been like this --- she might have a personality disorder, she might be mentally ill or maybe she's always been a nasty bleep to begin with.

    Cut her off for good before she ruins your marriage.


    I partially agree in what you're saying, in the sense of not speaking up to her can be enabling her- but at the same time, since she's always been that way (especially if she does indeed have a personality disorder of that sort), unloading it all on her won't change how she acts in general if this has been going on for that long span of time. She's an adult, I'd take a guess that she knows moralistically that she's in the wrong, she just doesn't care to change. I find it extremely rude for you to be so harsh to someone asking advice, let alone insulting their husband, saying he has the least balls out of all of them. 

    Think of it this way: It can't be easy to have a mother who treats you like dirt, especially when you feel that as her being your mother, a certain amount of respect should be in place for this woman... also alongside the fact his father passed away when he was at such a young age, so his mother was the sole parent... so I know at least for me, I could take quite an easy guess that it's a bit of a difficult situation to deal with. Maybe you should take a step back and put yourself in someone else's shoes before you treat a person so rudely who is coming on here openly asking for advice.
  • 1) You're both adults. whether you realize you have this power or not, YOU hold the keys to who you let into your life. Family or not, if someone can't/won't respect you, it's up to you to remove them from your daily lives.

    2) It is your husbands place to deal with his mother. He should be the one laying the ground rules for how she is to treat the both of you.

    3) You both have the right to say "I do not appreciate you speaking to me like that and I won't tolerate it. You can get back to me when you're able to talk to me with respect." the second she starts getting ugly. And then follow through.

    4) People behave the way you allow them to. Either show her she has to have some respect, or show her you won't tolerate her ugliness by ceasing contact.

    Best of luck to you.

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  • Whoa, hold up here...what was so harsh about what I said?

    I partially agree in what you're saying, in the sense of not speaking up to her can be enabling her- but at the same time, since she's always been that way (especially if she does indeed have a personality disorder of that sort), unloading it all on her won't change how she acts in general if this has been going on for that long span of time. She's an adult, I'd take a guess that she knows moralistically that she's in the wrong, she just doesn't care to change. I find it extremely rude for you to be so harsh to someone asking advice, let alone insulting their husband, saying he has the least balls out of all of them. 

    Think of it this way: It can't be easy to have a mother who treats you like dirt, especially when you feel that as her being your mother, a certain amount of respect should be in place for this woman... also alongside the fact his father passed away when he was at such a young age, so his mother was the sole parent... so I know at least for me, I could take quite an easy guess that it's a bit of a difficult situation to deal with. Maybe you should take a step back and put yourself in someone else's shoes before you treat a person so rudely who is coming on here openly asking for advice


    Maybe you don't like it I said he wasn't man enough to put her in her place -- wow --- what hurts you also should hurt him!

    And why the heck should he be party to her nastiness, even if it is *just him* her divisiveness is aimed at???

    It's essential he stick up for his rights -- and yours, also -- he's supposed to be a team with you. If he won't do it, very bad news.

    There's no excuse for her behavior --- not even true mental illness or a personality disorder --- and there's none for his if he won't even stand up for himself. Though mothers do have a funny way of getting under your skin -- we saw it in our house to a degree, also: it's not pleasant and it's downright embarrassing for the kids in question.

    I did say it is positive he wanted to cool it with her for awhile. If she is this bad, give serious thought to cutting her out of your lives. Think of what she will be like when kids enter the picture. In no size shape or form expose a youngster to her behavior.

    Therapy for him would help --- years of her behavior have not benefitted him.
  • Well I spoke to my H about his mom. He actually is trying to make up his mind whether or not to keep her in his life. He does stand to her but this last week she was in the hospital that?s why he put up with a lot more then he normally does. He has it under control and I will just follow his lead. I will however not forget how she behaves with him and I did look up narcissistic personality disorder. She has all the classic signs. Thanks for all the advice and support ladies. J

  • image gasmaskcowgirl:
    image TarponMonoxide:
    Really.

    She gets away with it because nobody's got the balls to speak up and tell her to shut the fook up.

    That's why.

    It's enabling her.

    He's the "only one" who will listen to her because he's got the least balls out of them all to stand up to her.

    The good news: He wants to end contact with her for awhile.  I think it's a great idea to make this a permanent arrangement.

    It's not because he lost a father at 13. She's always been like this --- she might have a personality disorder, she might be mentally ill or maybe she's always been a nasty bleep to begin with.

    Cut her off for good before she ruins your marriage.


    Think of it this way: It can't be easy to have a mother who treats you like dirt, especially when you feel that as her being your mother, a certain amount of respect should be in place for this woman... also alongside the fact his father passed away when he was at such a young age, so his mother was the sole parent... so I know at least for me, I could take quite an easy guess that it's a bit of a difficult situation to deal with. Maybe you should take a step back and put yourself in someone else's shoes before you treat a person so rudely who is coming on here openly asking for advice.

    I 500% agree with Tarpon!!!! She is telling you the truth and she's not being harsh in any way at all. I have been in your shoes, except it's my own mom.  My own mother has Narcissistic PD! Look the eff out when you confront her and unload everything, it'll be a complete differ ball game.  When you keep her in your life and you end up having children, she will be even worse.  Take it from me! You will be harassed and threatened for months. You will see on your own when your H doesn't respond to her calls, texts, emails, etc.  She will get psychotic!  Since my H and I decided to disown my mother and my siblings, we have been much happier, no drama, no negativity, and our relationship is 100x's better! Do yourselves a favor and cut her off.

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