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Sh!t hit the fan with my ILs...

You can reference my old post(s) to understand the situation.

Backstory - about 15 years ago my FIL had some kind of an affair (no one really knows exactly what happened - at minimum it was an emotional affair.  It wrecked my husband's family.  My MIL got really sick, lost a bunch of weight, etc.  My husband confronted his Dad about it, they didn't speak for weeks.  Basically, the family was in turmoil.  My husband doesn't know how his parents resolved the issue, but essentially, they moved on.

Well the "other woman" has come back into the picture.  Apparently she called my FIL around Christmas time, I think she texted him.  And as far as we can gather, my FIL and this woman have spoken since she reached out (we don't know for sure).  My FIL decided to play a "funny trick" on my MIL last night, and pretended my husband was this other woman on the phone.  Needless to say my husband was pissed that he was used in this dirty trick.  My husband asked my FIL "Did you tell this other woman to buzz off and leave you alone."  My FIL responded "No, not really."  So.... we don't know if they are speaking or not.  My husband didn't ask.

My husband eventually told his Dad something along the lines of "You better think about what you're doing.  This destroyed Mom.  And I can't believe you would entertain the idea of speaking with her and bringing her up.  You should have told her to leave you alone."  My FIL turned it back around on him saying "If you're really concerned about your Mom, you should know she more upset that your wife (me) isn't speaking with her."  (See old post, I got into an argument with her back at Christmas because she was bringing up his ex-gf).

My husband flipped out.  This is his Dad's MO.  When he's confronted with his own mistakes (if you could call this situation a mistake), he flips the script and tries to make my husband feel guilty or like he's this awful son.  My husband got off the phone and started yelling, he went outside and starting smashing firewood against our tress, etc.  It was a mess.  I don't condone his behavior, but this is so deeply rooted.  Aside from the history with this other woman and the destruction it caused the family, he's been harboring so much resentment and anger towards his parents.  They really weren't good to him growing up - there are too many examples to list but they basically turned their backs on him when he needed them most.

Of course I care about my ILs and their marriage but all of this is really none of my business.  Still, after last night, the f*cking craziness and turmoil it's all caused, I don't know what to do.  I insisted my husband start speaking with a therapist.  He really needs to learn some strategies for dealing with them.  He's carried this burden for far too long and it's destroying him (what happened last night is certainly not a common occurence but his emotions have boiled over more than once before).  But when I'm faced with this, how am I supposed to handle it?  I want to give him advice, and be there for him, but I don't want to convince him to make certain choices.  I'm clearly a biased party in all this, I know the history and I know and love him.  I'm just at a loss.  And frankly, I'm angry at the toll this is taking on our relationship.  His parents are a constant point of contention between us.  Advice, please....

Re: Sh!t hit the fan with my ILs...

  • Stupid and hurtful thing for your FIL to do. And you're damn right it was a filthy trick. 

    My spidey sense tells me that this is your FIL's way of kicking her in the shins simply because he feels like it.

    They are better off separating and going their own ways; that's my opinion.

    ANd nt only is anger management and therapy for your H a must, it would be a great idea if you went low profile for awhile and ceased contact with the ILs until things cool off over there --- yeah, that is, if they ever do cool off.

    And maybe you and he are better off not keeping in contact with them at all.

  • My jaw is on the floor.  Your FIL thought that would be a funny joke?  But between that and your MIL's need to bring up DH's ex.... that says a LOT about his parents and how utterly dysfunctional they are.  I actually wonder if your FIL has mentioned this woman over the years and the way MIL deals w/ it is by passing on the hurt - to you.

    ANyhow.  I agree. Your DH needs help.  He needs someone removed from the situation to help him work through this and find effective ways to deal w/ his parents.

     

    What a crappy situation.  Sorry. 

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  • Wow- what a $hitty situation all around.  It sounds like his parents have major issues and rather than dealing with them, they're pulling middle school stunts or trying to divert the problem to you.

    If I were you, I would try to stay out of the drama completely.  I would listen to DH, repeat back what he's saying and how hard it is, how you feel bad for him, etc., but encourage him to go to counseling- eventually maybe with his parents too.  It might be a good thing for him to distance himself, but I don't think that should come from you.  His family is already trying to paint you as the bad guy, and you should distance yourself from the situation as best you can while being supportive to your husband.

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  • image TarponMonoxide:

    Stupid and hurtful thing for your FIL to do. And you're damn right it was a filthy trick. 

    My spidey sense tells me that this is your FIL's way of kicking her in the shins simply because he feels like it.

    They are better off separating and going their own ways; that's my opinion.

    ANd nt only is anger management and therapy for your H a must, it would be a great idea if you went low profile for awhile and ceased contact with the ILs until things cool off over there --- yeah, that is, if they ever do cool off.

    And maybe you and he are better off not keeping in contact with them at all.

    this exactly. i think that you and DH should go to talk to a professional-you both need to talk this out and figure out how to deal iwth it but more importantly THEM. and i agree-your FIL is a DB for doing that. at the same time-it's not DH's marriage. he needs to stay out of it no matter what.
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  • Your H needs counseling bad. If he goes it will be the best thing for him and your marriage. Your in laws sound like they should keep you two out of this mess. Honestly, your H needs to distance himself from them. They are toxic. 
  • image EastCoastBride:

    My jaw is on the floor.  Your FIL thought that would be a funny joke?  But between that and your MIL's need to bring up DH's ex.... that says a LOT about his parents and how utterly dysfunctional they are.  I actually wonder if your FIL has mentioned this woman over the years and the way MIL deals w/ it is by passing on the hurt - to you.

    ANyhow.  I agree. Your DH needs help.  He needs someone removed from the situation to help him work through this and find effective ways to deal w/ his parents.

    What a crappy situation.  Sorry. 

    I have made that connection before.  My MIL doesn't dare communicate her unhappiness, displeasure, disappointment to her husband... ever.  So instead, she gets her digs in with everyone else.  It's either me, her son, her ILs, etc.  For someone who is so f*cking negative and nasty, you would think she'd have the balls to stick up for herself with her husband.

    They are really sick people.  This "trick" is just one example.  My MIL is always singing the blues about how she misses her son, aka "my special boy", meanwhile, she's treats him like sh!t.  Actually, both of them are like that.  They act like my husband is their golden child, that he's their world, when in reality, he's a f*cking patsy to them.  His entire life, no matter the circumstance, it was ALWAYS his fault and ALWAYS them against him.  I can't fathom treating anyone like that, let alone your own child.

    I finally talked to my MIL last night about the Christmas/ex-gf debacle and she told me she cries herself to sleep every night, that she's lost a bunch of weight, etc.  Sounds a lot like her reaction to the infidelity 15 years ago... but now it's my fault. 

    F*cking lunatics.....

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