Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Feeling more like roommates than husband and wife

We have been married a little or 5 years and the past 3 have been rough, it feels like we are roommates who occasionally have sex instead of husband and wife. He doesn't want couples therapy because our marriage counseling was a terrible experience for both of us! We've kind of talked about divorce but he never wants to talk about it seriously. I just feel like he's only a parent and husband when he feels like it. I just don't know what to do, is divorce the right way? 

Re: Feeling more like roommates than husband and wife

  • read men are from Mars and women are from venus, Its a good book,, and might answer a few question u have on why we all act the way we do.. its a really good eye opener...
  • image Phoenix100:
    read men are from Mars and women are from venus, Its a good book,, and might answer a few question u have on why we all act the way we do.. its a really good eye opener...


    I would say pretty much the opposite of this.  

  • Why did you not address this problem when it was happening? How long did you wait???

    You need to sit down and talk to him, stat.  Make sure the sex issue is throughly discussed, along with the rest of the other issues.
  • maybe you could find a weekend marriage retreat nearby. It's a chance to work on communication skills but doesn't seem as threatening as "seeing a marriage counselor."
  • The last 3 years have been rough because of a lack of sex, or rough for other reasons? was the change in sex a sudden thing or did it gradually trail off?

    Do you want to save the marriage? If not then I guess divorce is your best option. If you do then you need to really sit down and talk and work out what the issues are.

    If you can't have a productive discussion with just the two of you then you need to a find a quality counsellor. there are lots of good ones out there, but you might have to be willing to try a couple out.

    Work out what was so terrible about your previous counselling experience and then work out how to avoid that happening again. 

    If your husband won't pursue counselling, and won't seriously discuss divorce then you are in a weird kind of limbo. It's not fair for you or your kid/s to live like that. 

    Elizabeth 3yrs old Jane 1yr old
  • Thank you for help!
  • The 5 Love Languages is the book you want. I call it marriage magic! :)
    Pregnant with #4... It's gonna get real image
  • Counselling has been the best thing we ever did!  I had the same situation (before we were married) and I told him it was over.  He agreed to go to counselling with me at that point- when he thought he was going to lose me.  He also went to counselling by himself and found out things that he never knew about himself. 

    It's great to have that third person to mediate and can push the conversation further than where you usually get frustrated.  We are now married and have never been better!

  • The first 5-8 years can be brutal. There is a lot of adjusting so if a child is entered into the mix or was already there before the marriage consider that as another stress factor. Men are very guarded when it comes to what is really in their hearts and often times they will make permenant adjustments in their behaviors to cope with any hurt they feel you have caused to them. Over time they determine what is the best way for them to be able to not give you that much control over their feelings.This is always subtle, it will happen after an argument when both of you are acting cold, time passes and you cool off but instead of the heart warming back to the scorching hot temp of Love, Compassion, and togetherness the heart is now cool and keeping an accounting of your faults. The bad part is he willingly decides this  without you figuring it out until now. " hey we're roommates"!

    Unfortunately, this is common and the ideal thing would have been to catch it at year 1. Now at year 5 too much has happened that has either been addressed wrong or not addressed at all. It's too late to address the issues because fact recall will be skewd. He will remember it totally different from you and because he is listing that matter as a major issue he has to not only stick to his story but believe it.

     So what do you do now? You have 3 hard choices, you can either show humility and try to fix the marriage by putting him as the priority. This might take you initiating sex, you coming up with date night ideas, you sending him love letters or cooking special meals. He might even reject you or not show interest but this is you fighting to rekindle love and hopefully it will remind him why he asked you to be his partner for life!

     Next option, focus on yourself....self improvement, get serious about your appearance ( tone up at the gym) change your look, keep busy with things that you enjoy so that you will have a happy glow. No husband can handle his wife making changes that not only make her look smoking hot but if he is playing the retreat game and you are looking good, feeling great, and overall showing  you are happy he is going to come around if not for any other reason but curiosity. Don't argue with him anymore. If you disagree say what you have to say in sweet words not condescending ones. Let him arrive at the idea that Whoa she said what she thought and moved on to being happy. Let him know that you are pro solution to problem not pro silent treatment, tit-for-tat or any other games we play when we let selfish traits rob is of love.

    Last option ( worst ) write a list of how he makes you feel, the problems that are reoccurring, list the highlights of what making you guys break apart. Then write his personality traits while you guys were engaged. Review the material write out specific questions. Do you what this marriage, what do you propose for how we can restore it. If its over what is a mature approach for paying off joint bills, dividing up our personal items, finding new places to live. Then take a deep breath and confront him. This can be a heated argument if done wrong, it can be a calm situation that will turn ugly if he starts sneaking and doing stuff behind your back with money, bills, or items you and he both want.  Men

    Dont like feeling out of control and this option does that. If he is cheating on you currently it will fuel the relationship making him more cold but easy to catch. If he has respect for you but is no longer in love and wanting to be with you it gives him a cowards way out to where he can say you must not have wanted us to be together so that's why I said that I wanted the divorce. Men hate failed marriages because it shows to them that they are a horrible judge of character because they didn't see it not working out. So if he has brought up divorce no matter what he admits at that point he reasoned his life would be better without you. This is when cheating is really common.

    The best the bibles view on marriage and the roles listed for each mate!  


  • WOW!! This is the best contribution I have seen on these forums. Yes 

  • Wow thank you so much for the advise!! Things have been getting a little better since I first posted, they aren't perfect or back to normal ( whatever that is) but it is better than it was and there is hope it will continue to get better:)
  • Awesome post!!!!!
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards