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Offended or not?

My sil is getting married in 3 months.  My family was not asked to be a part of the wedding. My husband only has 2 sisters.  We have been married 8 years so I can understand not asking us, even though they were in our wedding.  But our children were also not asked.  His other sister also has 2 children girl and boy the exact same age as our children 6 and 4.  I assume she asked them to be her flower girl and ring bearer.  His family has never even mentioned the wedding in front of us which is somewhat uneasy.  We are debating what to do.  at first I thought just go.  But my husband is totally offended.  He sees no reason to choose two kids over the other two.  We are thinking of not going so the kids do not feel left out.  I always felt that we never really got along but we also never had an argument.  And again that has nothing to do with the kids. any thought?

Re: Offended or not?

  • For real. Look at the post below you. 

     It's not about you, your H or your kids or anyones kids for that matter. It's about the couple and them celebrating their love in the way they choose.

     

    "Do the best you can, until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." 

    -Maya Angelou


    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Take it from me: this is no big deal.

    You are being saved a small small fortune. The bride is likely to insist on "the best" if there are child attendants -- and "the best" will consist of a $300+ frou frou dress made in China in a sweatshop...and will insist on a $150 tux for your son.

    Not to mention she also will insist on a $100 hairdo for the little girl.

    Take the money that this event's clothing will have cost you and put it in a 529 for the kiddoes' college funds.

    The kids won't know the difference. Your son will think this is a lot of fussy nonsense and your daughter MIGHT get to thinking the other girl is "the princess" or whatnot but overall I don't think they'll even care.

    Maybe she is having no child attendants. A FG and RB is not required.
  • actually his other sisters whole family is included.  You see he had a disagreement with his other sister a few months ago and his sister that his getting married I guess took her side.  So it is awkward.  Also I did not actually ask his sisters to be in my wedding I was told by my mil I had to have them.  I have 5 sisters myself and feel that It should be the same .  Why exclude children?

  • Your post says that you assume that the other kids are involved. You don't know this for sure. You're getting upset before you even know all of the facts. That being said, even if the other kids are in the wedding, I can understand you feeling llike your kids were slighted, but like pp said, it's not about you. And it's not about your kids. Your feelings can be hurt, but you kinda just have to suck it up. Not attending the wedding seems a little childish and passive aggressive. You have to respect the fact that SIL is the bride and she gets to choose who is and isn't in her wedding party.  

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • At 6 and 4, your kids are going to "know" about this as much as YOU talk about it.  So.... don't make a big deal about it.  Don't talk about it to them.  Just tell them you're going to a wedding and "yay!, won't it be fun!".

    If they actually do say anything about their cousins being in it, all you say is "Yes- they are.  don't they look great?".  At 6 and 4, your kids really aren't going to take is as "we were excluded" - unless YOU put that idea in their heads.

    You have a LOT of control in this situation.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • My thought is to suck it up and show them support. 
    <a href="http://www.thenest.com" manual_cm_sp="community_badge-_-craftynestie-_-2010129"><img src="http://images.thenest.com/content/tn_sig_crafty.gif" border="0" alt="Visit The Nest!" /></a>

    <img src="[IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/j628g0.jpg[/IMG]" width=220>
  • Sounds like nobody tried to repair the earlier rift, so I'm not actually sure why you are that surprised. And you don't know whether the other sister's kids are involved. I didn't have a ring bearer or flower girl. Heck, kids weren't even invited to the wedding.

     To be honest, it sounds more like you want your kids to get attention than repairing the relationship with the sister. Maybe she feels that way too, and so didn't ask you to be on the wedding. 

  • I guess I am surprised because she was not involved in the disagreement and I feel she shouldnt have taken sides.  Also the children where not involved.  And actually I know my niece is the flower girl, not sure about nephew.  And Im not worried about my kids getting attention.   My kids get attention going to the grocery store because they are very friendly.  I also find it odd to never bring up a wedding for over a year at any family gathering.  Im not even sure we are invited. 
  • If you get an invite go. If you don't send a gift. If you didn't want your future SILs in your wedding you should have told MIL no. No one is a "must be in a wedding no matter what". 

    Be the bigger people and move on. This really isn't that big of a deal. Also, as a mother myself your comment about your kids always getting attention because they are SO friendly, is rubbing me the wrong way. If that is a glimpse of my family is PERFECT and my kids are PERFECT, I can see why you have problems with these people.  

  • I by far dont think we are perfect.  I just meant to the other post that I wasnt looking for them to get anymore attention then anybody else.  My MIL is not the type you just say no too.  She always wants things her way.  And I dont have problems with them  my husband has been having problems with them.
  • image 1993feb:
    My MIL is not the type you just say no too.  She always wants things her way.  And I dont have problems with them  my husband has been having problems with them.
    Then don't hold this against her/them. If you aren't going to stand up to her and say "no", then it's on YOU that you "had" to include your SIL's in your wedding. 

    Look - in the end, this isn't your wedding. It's your SIL's.  whatever the reasons, she hasn't asked your 2 kids to be included.  This absolutely is a situation where you and your DH need to be the bigger people.  Again, your kids will not know there is an issue unless YOU tell them there is an issue.   

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I appreciate all the advice and comments.  I think the problem is we are being the bigger people with everything else they have done.  The problem is my husband finally stuck up for himself and they dont like it.  He has let his mother and sisters walk all over him for years. My SILs friend was even suppossed to do my sisters hair (and bridal party)for her wedding and the girl canceled at the last minute .  She just said she wouldnt do it and booked something else.  My husband feels it was because of the disagreement and its nobodys business and had nothing to do with my family.  My MIL has always put his sisters and my niece and nephew before him and my children.  I ignore it mostly because I have a big family so I forget about it.  He is more hurt .  You see the argument last year was over his sister having her sons bday party 2 months after his actual bday on my sons bday.  His family totally did not know when my sons bday was.  His mom apologized but sil refused.  
  • image EastCoastBride:

    image 1993feb:
    My MIL is not the type you just say no too.  She always wants things her way.  And I dont have problems with them  my husband has been having problems with them.
    Then don't hold this against her/them. If you aren't going to stand up to her and say "no", then it's on YOU that you "had" to include your SIL's in your wedding. 

    Look - in the end, this isn't your wedding. It's your SIL's.  whatever the reasons, she hasn't asked your 2 kids to be included.  This absolutely is a situation where you and your DH need to be the bigger people.  Again, your kids will not know there is an issue unless YOU tell them there is an issue.   

    Agree with all but the bolded. One of my nieces was passed over in favor of another niece at this age. The Bride chose the niece she was a godmother to instead of including both. Her wedding, her choice. But my niece, who was 6, was crushed at being "left out" and not having the fancy dress and flowers and all that especially since the other six year old was so pumped about it and rubbed her nose in it.

    If you really feel this is a risk for your child, get a babysitter for the day. Easy peasy.

    The bride who didn't include my niece? Now that she's a mother, she sees things with more clarity and actually apologized. When her DH was in the hospital for 2 months after a bone marrow transplant, guess whose couch she camped out on?

  • That is what Im thinking.  My kids where in my sisters wedding along with my 5 other nieces and nephews (so knowone was left out).  And she loved it.  It was hard to get her to stop wearing the dress.  She always asks about going in a fancy car again and throwing flower petals.  So I know she will notice. I dont point out that she isnt included.  She doesnt even know about the wedding.  BTW anyone thats been following the post.  I am a very easygoing person.  My h and I have been together 20 years.  And as I said my mil is not the easiest person.  She even interrupted my wedding to have the photographer take family photos of his relatives.  The dj was mad the photographer was mad.   And she told his relatives with kids they could bring them even though they where NOT invited.  So I had my relatives wondering why their kids werent there.  I also got a list from his sisters of all the friends they wanted me to invite. 
  • I could see why you guys would feel hurt.  It seems obvious that his family isn't as close to him/your family as they are with his sisters'.  Since you know where you stand with them, I would try not to get upset about, just acknowledge that you're going to have a more superficial relationship with them than you do with others.

    If you get invited (and I really hope they wouldn't be so rude as to snub you), then I would just show up, smile, eat some cake, and go home, and be glad that you didn't have to shell out for a flower girl dress, ringbearer tux, and deal with all these "lovely" people at a rehearsal dinner.

    Sorry you guys are dealing with this- I feel bad for your husband. Just try not to show hurt feelings in front of your kids so that they don't feel bad about it.

    BabyFetus Ticker; Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image 1026pumpkin:

    I could see why you guys would feel hurt.  It seems obvious that his family isn't as close to him/your family as they are with his sisters'.  Since you know where you stand with them, I would try not to get upset about, just acknowledge that you're going to have a more superficial relationship with them than you do with others.

    THis is what it boils down to.  Clearly there are some deeper family dynamics going on here. 

    And I do understand why you're hurt - my only point was that the kids are going to be as upset about this as YOU are.  So... don't make a big deal about it around them.  They may notice, they may comment - but you, as the parent, have a lot of control in how this plays out. 

    Moving forward - place your expectations on what reality is.  NOt what you want it to be.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image 1993feb:
    I by far dont think we are perfect.  I just meant to the other post that I wasnt looking for them to get anymore attention then anybody else.  My MIL is not the type you just say no too.  She always wants things her way.  And I dont have problems with them  my husband has been having problems with them.

    Then you need to follow his lead with them. Your MIL told you to put your SILS in your wedding and she obviously isn't telling her daughter to include your family. This should show and tell you and your H where you stand in this family. I would no longer allow her to get away with steamrolling over you.

    Talk to your H, point out the double standard and hold them all at arms length. Your kids may notice and you can explain that this is the way they wanted the wedding to be. Buy your daughter a cute and wonderful dress for the wedding. If your kids keep asking have them ask MIL as she seems to be the one who is a bigger PITA. 

  • My husband sees the double standard and I think that is why he has had it.  Like I said we have been together 20 years.  Since high school.  So we have put up with alot and never said anything.  He says he can care less if he sees them again.  He really doesnt want to go.  My husband is a nice guy, quiet, would help anyone.  So for him to be so mad its a big deal.  When the bday thing happened I had told him not to worry ur sister will call and say sorry for the mix up.  But she didnt.  She actually told him off!!!   And did not stop.  She kept txting him with all these insults and he just woulnt reply because he said we have to take the high road.  But now hes had enough.
  • Some brides don't like having mulitple flower girls, it happens and there isn't anything wrong with it.  It seems that you daughter is the odd man out.  Again, it happens. 

    The best lesson you can teach your kids now is that sometimes they aren't the ones picked to be special.  They won't always have attention on them and it is ok to be disappointed, but that is life and it won't be the last time they aren't "picked."

    Again, the bride picked a flower girl and your niece is the one she chose, that is ok.  Just because you had a bunch of flower girls, that doesn't mean she also has to have a lot too. 

  • image MLE2010:

    Then you need to follow his lead with them. Your MIL told you to put your SILS in your wedding and she obviously isn't telling her daughter to include your family. This should show and tell you and your H where you stand in this family. I would no longer allow her to get away with steamrolling over you.

    Talk to your H, point out the double standard and hold them all at arms length. Your kids may notice and you can explain that this is the way they wanted the wedding to be. Buy your daughter a cute and wonderful dress for the wedding. If your kids keep asking have them ask MIL as she seems to be the one who is a bigger PITA. 

    Agree with this, especially the bolded part.

    I also agree with PP, stw, though. You know where you stand in this family, you have for a long while, so it's irrational of you to be expecting what they're never going to do or express. Keep your distance and you won't get so hurt.

    Just as a side note, I don't know I would want to attend this wedding at all.   

    edited typos 


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