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Career & the In-Laws

Hi everyone,

 

Every time we go see my husband?s family, I feel like I am in a sticky situation. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend are heavy into pot. Also, my mother-in-law has started smoking it again. They will smoke it with my husband and me in the house with no qualms. I do leave the room, and if it isn?t winter, I will go outside and away from them when it is happening.

 

I am a teacher in a public school and if I am every ?caught? around it, it would ruin my career. My brother-in-law is on probation right now, so by the letter of the law, his probation officer has the right to visit him anywhere and everywhere. In my state, the mere fact that I am in the same household as them when they smoke is enough to arrest me and could cause me to lose my job. The smell also sticks to whatever I am wearing and when I go to school on Monday, I worry that the kids can smell it on my jacket (I often wear a different jacket out to visit his family, but smells can transfer).

 

I have told my husband how uncomfortable it makes me, but he feels like he can?t do anything more. He has said stuff to them, but it still happens. I have considered telling him I can?t jeopardize my career, and will not make the trip out to visit his family (they live a few hours away), but then I feel like I am hurting my husband.

 

Help?

Re: Career & the In-Laws

  • Why would you go? This isn't a matter of if its a matter of when you will get arrested. If its not legal in your state, then you shouldn't be risking your job for your Hs feelings. As a parent I would not be happy with a teacher who I trust my child with to be around an illegal substance. 

    You need to trust your gut and tell your H, too bad. His family thumbs it's nose at the law and rules, he needs to understand that comes with consequences. I wonder if you would leave your child with them or go if you where pregnant. 

  • If you don't want to be around people abusing illegal drugs, then don't go. I don't feel like you are hurting your H by not wanting illegal drugs in your life.  If you want to compromise, I might go 2 times a year and that's it, but certainly not an every week/ every month visit. 
  • You can't tell his family what to do in their own home. All you can do is change what you do, which perhaps means not going. It's pretty telling, though, that your DH doesn't seem to care about your job/ your concerns. I'll be curious to know his reaction id you say you aren't going. 
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  • image EastCoastBride:
    You can't tell his family what to do in their own home. All you can do is change what you do, which perhaps means not going. It's pretty telling, though, that your DH doesn't seem to care about your job/ your concerns. I'll be curious to know his reaction id you say you aren't going. 

    This. Do you or your husband honestly expect them to change their ways? And to be blunt you guys should have never asked them to stop...that isn't your place. But I agree that you should just stop going over there especially if it will mess with your job. And you should do this without feeling guilty...if your husband can't back you up then he is in the wrong. You are his family now and he should respect that. 

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  • To me, this is a no brainer....you can't control their behavior, and said behavior could cost you your job, so just don't even go to their house. I would even consider just cutting them out completely - you don't need those kind of people - even if they are family - around you.
  • image R.Wilsonny:
    To me, this is a no brainer....you can't control their behavior, and said behavior could cost you your job, so just don't even go to their house. I would even consider just cutting them out completely - you don't need those kind of people - even if they are family - around you.

    yep. Although, I don't think it is so crazy for her to say "hey this could cost my my job, could you not toke up for a couple if hours while I'm here." If they can't do that, they obviously either have a problem or don't care for her that much. 

  • image Golden42:

    image R.Wilsonny:
    To me, this is a no brainer....you can't control their behavior, and said behavior could cost you your job, so just don't even go to their house. I would even consider just cutting them out completely - you don't need those kind of people - even if they are family - around you.

    yep. Although, I don't think it is so crazy for her to say "hey this could cost my my job, could you not toke up for a couple if hours while I'm here." If they can't do that, they obviously either have a problem or don't care for her that much. 

    Meh, I think that saying that it would cost you your job makes you come across as melodramatic, myself. I honestly think that it should be enough for you to say to your husband that sorry, you're not comfortable with the drug use at his family's house so aren't comfortable going there, and let him deal with it.

    I wouldn't go into the whole ZOMG it's an illegal substance and I'll get arrested and lose my job and we'll be RUINED because your mom smoked pot while I was in the living room argument - I think that you simply not being comfortable around it should be enough justification not to subject yourself to it. 

    He can tell them that the drug use makes you both uncomfortable and he would appreciate it if they refrained while you were both there - and if they don't, you both leave. Simple as that. 

    You invite them warmly to your home, they light up, you ask them not to or they leave. 

    It could just be me, but I think that if you bring up the threat to your career it will make you seem very over the top to them, which wouldn't be great either.

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  • image Tofumonkey:
    image Golden42:

    image R.Wilsonny:
    To me, this is a no brainer....you can't control their behavior, and said behavior could cost you your job, so just don't even go to their house. I would even consider just cutting them out completely - you don't need those kind of people - even if they are family - around you.

    yep. Although, I don't think it is so crazy for her to say "hey this could cost my my job, could you not toke up for a couple if hours while I'm here." If they can't do that, they obviously either have a problem or don't care for her that much. 

    Meh, I think that saying that it would cost you your job makes you come across as melodramatic, myself. I honestly think that it should be enough for you to say to your husband that sorry, you're not comfortable with the drug use at his family's house so aren't comfortable going there, and let him deal with it.

    I wouldn't go into the whole ZOMG it's an illegal substance and I'll get arrested and lose my job and we'll be RUINED because your mom smoked pot while I was in the living room argument - I think that you simply not being comfortable around it should be enough justification not to subject yourself to it. 

    He can tell them that the drug use makes you both uncomfortable and he would appreciate it if they refrained while you were both there - and if they don't, you both leave. Simple as that. 

    You invite them warmly to your home, they light up, you ask them not to or they leave. 

    It could just be me, but I think that if you bring up the threat to your career it will make you seem very over the top to them, which wouldn't be great either.

    Yep.  I agree with this.  Harping on your job will just make them roll their eyes and say "Oh yeah.  Your school board is going to stampede our house and fire you for being near us!".  You're not going to lose your job because in laws you see occasionally smoke pot around you.  It's just not going to happen.  The worst that will come of this (provided they're not growing/selling) is the probation officer showing up and the probationee getting in trouble.  Even if the cops show up, they're not going to put your name in the police blotter for being in a home when someone violated probation.

    That said, if you're uncomfortable with what they're doing and they're not amenable to abstaining when you're there, just don't go.  It's not a court summons.  Invite them to your place instead.  There, you can decide what can and cannot happen.  At their home you really have no right to tell them what to do.

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  • I think you are being really dramatic about this. I find it really hard to believe that your career would be ruined if you were found to be near some people smoking pot.

    Anyway, certainly if they were ever to light up in your house, you can tell them to leave immediately. When you are visiting them, I think they should be able to wait until you and your H leave to light up if they know it makes you uncomfortable. However, they don't want to and clearly you know this is the way they are.

    So...it's simple. Don't go over there, if you are there and they start smoking, tell them that you are leaving because you don't want to be around it.

    But the way you describe the situation is so over the top. I doubt that you would be arrested just for being in the house. Where are you getting this information? 

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  • I actually don't think you're being melodramatic at all.  I think if you were complaining about cigarette smoke, I bet people would be more on your side.  I would just tell DH and his family that you're sorry that you can't be around the smoke and would be happy to visit with them if they're not smoking or to meet them somewhere (i.e. a restaurant, go bowling, whatever).  Just make sure to emphasize that your issue is with the smoking, not the people.

    While the risks of you being caught are slim, if you could be arrested under your state's law, I wouldn't risk it.  I also wouldn't want to be exposed to it or have my clothes and car smelling like it.

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  • image 1026pumpkin:

    I actually don't think you're being melodramatic at all.  I think if you were complaining about cigarette smoke, I bet people would be more on your side.  I would just tell DH and his family that you're sorry that you can't be around the smoke and would be happy to visit with them if they're not smoking or to meet them somewhere (i.e. a restaurant, go bowling, whatever).  Just make sure to emphasize that your issue is with the smoking, not the people.

    While the risks of you being caught are slim, if you could be arrested under your state's law, I wouldn't risk it.  I also wouldn't want to be exposed to it or have my clothes and car smelling like it.

    I don't think anyone is saying OP is being melodramatic for not wanting to be around smoke.  We're saying claiming she's going to lose her job over this is melodramatic.  Last I heard, you cannot be prosecuted or fired because your ILs smoke pot in their house.  Even if you're there.  Unless you're holding the bong when the cops bust in, I really can't see any issue arising.

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