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Just need to vent

So this is my husband and my first Christmas as a married couple. His parents are divorced  so this year we had thanksgiving with his moms family and we are going to have Christmas with mine. We then opted to see his mom Christmas eve early afternoon and his dad Christmas eve. I'm close to my sister an her birthday is on the 24th. My husban was fine with the idea of running to my moms (my sister an her family will be there) on Christmas eve morning around 9am and only planned on staying till 11 the latest and the shooting over to his moms. He was fine with that until he told his mom. She flipped... I overheard her

On the phone saying "that's fucked up." it just hit me the wrong way. Her family is never up that early anyway and we only planned to stay for my sisters presents and breakfast. Once his mom flipped...he flipped out at me too. I told him that it's ok and we will just go to his moms whenever she wanted us there.

Hes all like "nooooo we have to see your SISTER first bc she's sooo important."  te is he gets upst bc we have seen my parents more than his this fall. But my mother always makes plans. Shell ask us to comr

Over the next weekend if we're not busy. His mom is a last minute person and asks us the day of if we want to come for dinner and gets upSet if we have

Plans.  Its just frustrating and I needed to vent. Sorry about any grammatical errors. I'm using my phone and typing very fast lol

Re: Just need to vent

  • O.k.- a few things.

    First- you HAVE to talk to your DH about this concept of time spent w/ families.  You can NOT live your life keeping a tit for tat tally.  Focus on quality time, not quantity.  And to your point - your mom makes plans, his doesn't.  But regardless - you just can't live life doing this.  It's petty and a waste of time.

    ANd if it's so important to HIM to have equal time, then HE needs to get off his a$$ and make more plans w/ his family....

    Second- you need to have a calm talk about why was this plan was o.k. initially and why did his attitude change after talking to his mom?  And I stress CALM.  This isn't about accusations, but a "can you talk to me why her anger changed your feelings?".  And get him to think about it and talk to you. 

    Third- once you hammer out #2, he needs to learn to not be so open!  His mom didn't need to know your plans. 

    It doesn't really sound like this is a part of the problem, but I will say this - in general, I don't feel b-days MUST BE celebrated on the actual day.  You're close to your sister - but you should be able to celebrate her b-day at another time if necessary.  It sucks that her b-day is caught up in the holiday craziness, but most adults don't get to always celebrate their b-day ON the day.  I'm just putting this out there so that in the future, this aspect doesn't become a bigger issue.  If celebrating her b-day does actually get in the way of seeing his family - that needs to be taken into account.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Good advice, East Coast bride. I must say though, if plans were already made with sister, they should be stuck to. Once you make a committment, you shouldn't go back on it.
    My hope is your story will be about changing.-A Million Miles Daisypath Happy Birthday tickers
  • image SecretHoodie:
    Good advice, East Coast bride. I must say though, if plans were already made with sister, they should be stuck to. Once you make a committment, you shouldn't go back on it.
    yes, I fully agree. 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • image SecretHoodie:
    Good advice, East Coast bride. I must say though, if plans were already made with sister, they should be stuck to. Once you make a committment, you shouldn't go back on it.

    I agree with this. Your H sounds a little unhinged. He was fine with the original plan and then flipped out on you when his mother got upset? WTH is that about? Also the fact that he was saying she is soo important, etc is a sign of verbal abuse and immature behavior. How old is he? 5?

    You need to sit him down and explain to him that his mother does not get a say in your plans or who you see on any day. She needs to keep her opinion to her self. You two are adults, I'm assuming, and his Mommy has no say on who you spend your time with.

    Stop this crap now. It's only going to get worse as the years go by, kids are born or she thinks this works she will do it to get her way. I mean it's already working look at how your H responded to it. If this becomes a pattern with him I would get his butt in counseling.  

  • ECB pretty much nailed it.

    How much driving does your side trip to your mom's add to the day?  Is it on the way to your first stop? Can you split up for a few hours and meet at your MIL's later? Had you settled on a ETA for MIL's? Was she planning a luncheon that would spoiled by a large breakfast? Did you blow off her birthday?

    My biggest concern would be your DH. A DH who does a 180 like this is likely a meat puppet who has mommy's hand up his arse.

  • Tell him if that doesn't work, then you will take his mom out of the rotation, since she and her family "got" Thanksgiving.

  • I think the first issue I would take would be with the way your husband flipped out on you.  His phrasing was immature and rude, and I would have been mad if someone spoke to me that way.  So first thing I'd have said to him would have been- "I need you to rephrase that- you can tell me you're angry or frustrated, but you can't talk down to me."

    The second thing I would have said is what ECB outlined- ask him calmly why his attitude changed when he heard his mom's reaction.  Was he never truly okay with it but kept quiet until his mom reacted, and then he felt validated to flip out over it too? Or had he been okay with it and then reacted because his mom reacted, and if someone was going to be at fault for Mommy's wrath, he wanted to be sure it was you and not him? 

    And- am I understanding it correctly that his mother thinks it's "fucked up" that you're swinging by to see your sister for part of her birthday, at a time that in no way conflicted with the plans you'd already made with others for Christmas? And I'm guessing your MIL doesn't think it's "fucked up" that you also made time for HER on Christmas Eve even though her turn was at Thanksgiving this year? What is this- it's okay to make exceptions as long as it's only in MIL's favor? I would not be very willing to accommodate someone in the future if they were going to react that way to my accommodating other people too.

    RE: making plans ahead vs. last minute plans- one thing I'd suggest going forward would be taking the lead on making plans instead of waiting for MIL to suggest something last-minute.  And by that I mean- your husband needs to be taking the lead.  If he wants to see his family more and is frustrated that his mom keeps planning things for the last minute when he can't make it, that means HE needs to start picking up the phone and saying "Hey Mom, we're free on X weekend, we'd love to have you over."  

  • Stand your ground, it seems like your MIL is trying to run your marriage. with that your families need to be understanding that you may not be able to spend a whole day at their home for the Holiday, it's weird your MIL threw a fit. its your sisters Brithday and your hubby should be understanding. Maybe theres something a little deeper going on with MIL. who knows. best of luck.
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