Family Matters
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Still feeling left out (vent)

I posted a while back about my mother's side of the family excluding DH and I in a lot of family get-togethers. I found out via facebook that my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer, and when I asked my mom about it, she said she texted me about it. I never received the text, but reguardless, you don't tell someone that a family member has cancer via text!

When my grandmother came to town to see some more doctors, DH and I went to my mom's house for dinner on a Sunday, and she told me they were going to see a doctor Tuesday morning. The hospital is very close to my office, so I offered to take them both out to lunch afterwards. My mom said no, because my grandma might be tired after the appointment, which was fine with me. Tuesday night, after work, I called my mom, to check up on grandma (she doesn't have a cell phone). No answer. Then I tried again Wednesday, and again on Friday, and no answer either time. I called during different parts of the day- multiple times a day, and left 3 voice mails. I finally facebooked my grandma asking how she was doing, but she never responded. My feelings were very hurt that they were ignoring me, when I didn't do anything wrong to either of them. That was two weeks ago.

Anyway, yesterday (again on FB) I saw a message from my cousin to her mother saying "We miss you, come home soon!" Then under that, my sister wrote a comment (to my cousin) saying "We don't get to see her very often! and she is leaving tonight anyway so you'll see her tomorrow!" I was crushed that no one (not even my sister) told me that my aunt was in town. We were very close when I was young, but then she moved out of state. I would spend my summers there every year in elementary and middle school. The last time I saw her was at my wedding- which was two and a half years ago! She is a nurse, so even when DH and I try to plan a trip to visit her, she always says it's a bad time, so we don't even bother, because she makes it sound like visiting her would burden her or something.

I just feel so left out of my family and it really hurts my feelings. part of me wants to confront my mom about ignoring my phone calls and not telling me that my aunt was in town, but another part of me just thinks "Why bother? It's obvious they don't want DH and I around." I feel so hurt. Sad

Re: Still feeling left out (vent)

  • Have you asked your mom what is going on? There seems to be something else behind this. Instead of "why are you ignoring my calls?", tell her that you've noticed that you haven't been included in a lot of family activities recently and you're wondering what's going on. Your concerned you've done something to upset them, but you don't know what. So, please.... tell you what's going on.

    Your mom may say "oh, nothing" or who knows what, but I wouldn't back down. Push. Tell her that it's CLEAR something is going on and you feel that you deserve at least the respect of being told what so that if there is something you can do/fix, you'd like to at least have the chance.

    I'm taking the "what I have I done" perspective because that just might make it easier for your mom to talk. If you go in "attacking" her - why isn't SHE talking to you - it will only put her on the defense. So - take hte point of view that you feel you've done something (which might actually be the case....) and you want to talk about it.

    But do this only if you're prepared to hear the answer! And really, I would suggest doing a little more soul-searching and look to when all this started and IS there something that either you or your DH did that could have upset them.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I fully agree with EastCoast. Every word of it. 

    If there is nothing you two have done wrong or no one will tell just lower your expectations to zero. Having no expectations makes it easier. I'm sorry this is happening but if you didn't do anything wrong there isn't anything that could change the situation (if they really don't want to be around you that much). 

  • I am so sorry to hear that... Facebook can be great, but also drives me crazy. Its like if you don't check out FB everyday then you have no clue to whats goin on with people. My sisters live on it, so they talk on there all of the time. I as well can feel left out.. That is not a good feeling I would just try to talk with your mom about how you are feeling. Maybe you did do something that rubbed her wrong, maybe not, but its your mom, just talk to her... If it is anything she should be happy to talk with you about it... Good luck.. If ya need to chat, feel free to PM me. Best wishes!!! :)
  • I've felt this way with a lot of my family members, there are 12 of us with our significant others. It felt as though they would get together and not even invite me, or even cared to make plans with me. 

    I agree with the the past posters in how to bring up the issue. But another thing to keep in mind is you can not depend on others to inform you about things. You have to start picking up the phone and talking with everyone in your family not just asking your sister or your mom. I would have just showed up at my parents house to see Grandma. 

     

    Best of luck. 

  • I wonder if there are any differences between you and the rest of your family. My cousin, for example, has a very different moral compass, and thus often behaves in way that upsets my family. She is oblivious to the differences and feels like either she is right and they are wrong or or its none of their business so they shouldn't be upset anyway. My grandmother didn't even want her and her boyfriend (they are having a child together so very serious) to come to any holiday functions. I try to do my best to inform her of major family activities and keep in touch with her, but its hard for the rest of the family when they have different morals ( am not just talking about behaviors that are none of their business, but I am talking about actual things that have hurt their feelings as well). If there are these differences, I think you will have to decide if it is worth making the extra effort for them or if being yourself is the bigger priority and you will see them on major holidays if that.
  • I would ask your mom what is going on with not getting back to you in 2 weeks.  I get being hurt that your relatives didn't tell you your aunt was in town, but I wouldn't blame them too much because your aunt could have definitely contacted you directly herself.  I mean if I want to see a family member I make plans with them directly, not hope that someone else tells them I am in town and they I see them accidentally because of it.  So I think more of the blame goes on the aunt.  Although from another perspective if someone is in town for just a couple of days there is no way they can see everyone in the family in one trip.  I would contact the aunt directly and let her know you missed seeing her, and hope she can get together the next time she is in town. 
  • I can tell you that you're not alone. I found out via facebook that my Grandpa died, and my family is always doing "Cousins Day" and I never get invited... I would ask, but it sounds like you might not get a straight answer. If you're close to your Husbands family, then surround yourself around them or your friends more often.
  • image MKbutterly:
    I wonder if there are any differences between you and the rest of your family. My cousin, for example, has a very different moral compass, and thus often behaves in way that upsets my family. She is oblivious to the differences and feels like either she is right and they are wrong or or its none of their business so they shouldn't be upset anyway. My grandmother didn't even want her and her boyfriend (they are having a child together so very serious) to come to any holiday functions. I try to do my best to inform her of major family activities and keep in touch with her, but its hard for the rest of the family when they have different morals ( am not just talking about behaviors that are none of their business, but I am talking about actual things that have hurt their feelings as well). If there are these differences, I think you will have to decide if it is worth making the extra effort for them or if being yourself is the bigger priority and you will see them on major holidays if that.

    DH and I are Jehovah's Witnesses.. and I am the only Witness in my family- so that is kind of true. We do have different morals, but we don't talk about religion when we visit my family. I guess I am really upset because my mom constantly brow-beats me about not coming home for holidays, yet when the family gets together "just for the heck of it," she doesn't invite me. I also invite her and my younger sister (who still lives with her) over to DH and I's house for dinner all the time and she always has an excuse not to come. I will even offer to come to their house and cook for them, or even take them out to eat. Yet if my older sister wants them over, they can always make it. I feel like I've done a good job in trying to balance my religious beliefs and making time for my non-religious family, but that they don't appreciate it. It's just really frustrating... I have yet to confront any of them about it.

  • image ALE515:
    I can tell you that you're not alone. I found out via facebook that my Grandpa died, and my family is always doing "Cousins Day" and I never get invited... I would ask, but it sounds like you might not get a straight answer. If you're close to your Husbands family, then surround yourself around them or your friends more often.

    Thanks- I get along great with all of his family, so at least I have them to lean on right now. I love them so much, but that doesn't take away the sad feelings of my family not wanting me around them or in their lives.

  • I would imagine the religion is the root of the problem. And really - maybe its time to suck it up and talk to your mom about it. But don't think Of it as conftronation. Think of it as a discussion 
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

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