Trouble in Paradise
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Feeling neglected/crush on hubby's friend....

Not sure where/how to start.  I apologize in advance if this entire post seems scatter-brained.  I got married to my husband less than two months ago, he is my best friend.  He's in fact my only friend, since we moved and had a baby-so I have no one to even talk to about this. But lately I'm feeling very neglected and lonely.  Over the last couple weeks he has stopped doing things with me more and more.  He won't even go with me to the store or to pick up food because he wants to sit at home.  He doesn't spend real quality time with me and never wants to do anything that I'm interested in doing.  He always insists on doing everything his way and anytime I want to do something he pretty much vetos it. I feel like my wants/needs/opinions are not welcome.  I support him in everything he does-but I just don't feel like I'm getting any support back.

 I've fallen into a very bad depression because of all of this-and sometimes he doesn't act like he even cares.  One time I crawled in bed to cry my eyes out in the middle of the afternoon, and after he walked in the bedroom, he just turned around without a single word and started playing a computer game.

I think it's because of these things that I've developed a huge crush on his friend.  I've had crushes here and there during our relationship-but I knew that they were purely physical attractions and nothing more and definitely nothing I would ever act on.  But this feels different. I feel absolutely horrible-I can't get this guy out of my head. I think about him all day long and I can't seem to quit.  

I just don't know what to do with myself.  any thoughts? 

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Re: Feeling neglected/crush on hubby's friend....

  • You need to decide if your current relationship is worth saving or not.

    When you are in a marriage, imagining a "new" relationship is a fantasy. Being married is hard and relationships go through different phases.  

    Thinking about someone new (anyone new) is not fair to you.

    Since you have a child together, I think you owe it to yourself and your child to try and make your marriage work.

    It is not clear from your post how long you have been together, how old your child is, and/or what role this move has in how you feel about your current life. 

    You mention you are depressed. That is a real thing. You need to see a doctor and/or therapist.

    I suggest couples counseling. You will both need to be willing to work on your relationship if you want to stay together.

    Please do think long and hard before you decide to call it quits - you have a kid and it can be hard to be apart from your child every other weekend, split holidays, "co-parent", not to mention that it is hard on your child.

    Good luck to you. I hope you are able to make it work.  

    "How long till my soul gets it right? Can any human being ever reach the highest light? Except for Galileo, god rest his soul, king of night vision, king of insight." ~ Indigo Girls Anniversary
    When you've been married this long, you need a ticker to remind you.

    Baby Boy M - 08/01/2013
  • We have been together for over 5 years and our little one is 2.  I'm not calling it quits this easily-especially since we have a child.  

    Our move was out of necessity, not because we really wanted to. We were renting an apt in a fairly large city (for OK) and were robbed-we didn't feel safe there anymore, so we are now renting a place that DH's parents own in a very small town far from anyone I know.  It's a 45 minute drive minimum for me to visit my friends and vice versa; over time it seems they stopped being willing to make the effort to see me and even when I meet up with them I always have my son, who is a handful to say the very least. The only friends I did have that also have children live 3 hours away now.  everyone that I used to call a friend has just moved on to friends that are easier to hang out with.  It gets very lonely when the only person you hang out with can't speak in full sentences.  

    I have always had depression-it gets better or worse depending on the circumstance. when I have a lot of things going on and people to be with and I am usually very happy, but with no one to even talk to it has been spiraling lately.  I don't currently work since DH asked me to be a stay-at-home-mom for a while, but I plan on getting a job soon so I feel that that will help atleast with the depression.

    Sorry for making this so long-just needed to get things off my chest in some form or another and hoped to get some insights or honestly any response period so I could feel that I have atleast been heard. & like I have said-I don't want to give up on my marriage, I'm just not sure how to get DH to realize how he makes me feel sometimes and how much I need to feel validated.  I'm starting to feel more like his roommate than his wife-and I have no want for that.  I think the whole crush issue would go away if I just felt like DH paid enough attention to me. 

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  • This kills me.

    It really DOES.

    He marries you and then leaves you on a shelf??? What gives????

    First of all:

    End the contact with the other guy -- and then sit down with your spouse.

    Tellhim what you told us -- and make it clear to him that if he doesn't start acting like an attentive loving husband you will be getting this marriage dissolved.

    I don't know what else is at hand here -- you said you and he have a son? Then, you and he have been together for a good chunk of time ---- It is entirely possible that this relationship was ending and somehow you and he decided marriage was the thing to do.

    He is living the life of a guy who is single and living on his own, NOT the life of a guy who's got a brand new wife.

    Talk to him.

    And if it turns out that he does not wish to stay married, get an annullment -- and if it turns out you and he part ways, do yourself a favor:

    NO involvement with guys for at least a year.

    You're vulnerable as hell and your life is in an uproar because of what's happening with your H. GL.
  • While you stated you are depressed, reading what you wrote about your H sounds as if he's depressed as well.  Not wanting to go out, ignoring your feelings, never paying you attention, etc sounds like depression.  He may be facing depression as well but experiencing it in different ways.  I think counseling for you, him, and as a couple would be a good idea.

    Also, please end any contact with his friend(s).  If you end up divorced, it's very likely a relationship between you and his friend won't work or will be just as unhealthy as the one you're currently in.  Not to mention, extremely awkward, difficult for all parties involved, and will end the friendship between him and friend (which, at a time of divorce, you'll both need a lot of support).

    Where there is love, there is life.-Ghandi
  • Just another point of view...

    You don't sound happy - you are isolated where you live from your friends and family, you stay at home with a young child by yourself and are feeling neglected by your husband, who you say is your "only friend".

    However, looking at it from his point of view isn't so wonderful either - he works all day and comes home to a lonely, depressed wife that is crying and uses him as her only social and emotional outlet. She's not as independent as she used to be and relies on him to do basic things with her like shopping, and gets upset with him or feels neglected when he wants to do some things on his own like play computer games, which is his own outlet.

    Right now neither of you is happy, and it's relatively easy to see why. Now, you have a number of options for fixing things, and I personally think that it comes down to 3 things:

    1. Be happy where you are

    Actively become a part of this small community. Make some new friends, take a class, join a mother's group, even if it is in the next town over. Get some things going in your own life that are independent from your husband. Stop depending on him for your only source of companionship, get yourself out there and see what comes of it. You'll be much happier and independent, trickling down to make your husband much happier when his home isn't a scene of depression and loneliness. Give him his space and his own time to decompress and plan some cool local stuff to do together on the weekends or a couple of evenings. Rent a movie, go biking, farmer's market, plan to cook something new together - try to make your time together interesting and less constant. When is the last time he had the house to himself for a couple of hours? It sounds like he could just use a bit of space now and then, and you may find that your mood will greatly affect his.

    2. Can't be happy where you are?

    Move. Either move back or move on to somewhere else. I get that being burgled terrified you. It happened to me as well, and I was in the house at the time. Moving out to the country was kind of extreme, but we're different. Move back and get a dog. Move to where you are going to be happy. Is living in bumfeck nowhere just to avoid being burgled worth you two being so miserable?

    3. Marriage Counseling

    A lot of people will tell you to jump straight into this, but I think that you should take an honest look at 1 and 2 before this step.

    As for your husband's friend? Drop it, forget about it and avoid him. Your feelings for him are borne out of your frustration with your husband and your boredom with your life, nothing more. No good will come from this.

     

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  • Have you looked into mother's playdate groups?  This could be a good way for you to make more friends so your not completely depending on him.  Also, I agree with the marriage counseling. You both sound stressed and depressed since your move and your taking it out on each other because you have no close friends there.  

    I agree with PP and that you should stay away from his friend. I'm wonder if you don't actually even have feelings for him but think you do because that sounds like a better situation right now.  GL! 

    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/rm7b0n.jpg[/IMG]
  • thank you for all the insights and responses!

     A couple of you said that it seems he may not be happy either.  Unless I'm not picking up on something, he seems completely satisfied with how everything is right now.  He's a home-body and doesn't like to leave the house and he's been that way since I've met him, only it has gotten more extreme over this last year or so.  I try to be understanding about this-really I only ask that we try to get out of the house once every couple weeks although I'm the kind of person that wants to be out of the house every day.  

    tarpon: we didn't get married to try and resolve any previous issues, we just wanted to get married. I see how that could make sense in my situation though, thankfully we got married because we were happy with each other and were basically living the married life already. 

     I realize now that my relying on him so much could be straining the relationship.   I don't know how to go about fixing that one-except for hoping that I do get a job soon and have more distractions.

    We're hoping to move closer to the city once I am bringing in money, so that may or may not help.  I'd be closer to civilization but i have still lost all my friends.

    I really don't have much contact with the friend except through facebook, and I'm frequently reminding myself that nothing can ever happen. I do think the intensity of my feelings for him are simply because of my feelings of neglect.

    ugh...I guess I am going to talk to him about this all tomorrow since he has the day off.  I just hope he is understanding about how i've been feeling.  I know I can be a lot to handle with all these emotions.

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  • image Tofumonkey:

    Just another point of view...

    You don't sound happy - you are isolated where you live from your friends and family, you stay at home with a young child by yourself and are feeling neglected by your husband, who you say is your "only friend".

    However, looking at it from his point of view isn't so wonderful either - he works all day and comes home to a lonely, depressed wife that is crying and uses him as her only social and emotional outlet. She's not as independent as she used to be and relies on him to do basic things with her like shopping, and gets upset with him or feels neglected when he wants to do some things on his own like play computer games, which is his own outlet.

    Right now neither of you is happy, and it's relatively easy to see why. Now, you have a number of options for fixing things, and I personally think that it comes down to 3 things:

    1. Be happy where you are

    Actively become a part of this small community. Make some new friends, take a class, join a mother's group, even if it is in the next town over. Get some things going in your own life that are independent from your husband. Stop depending on him for your only source of companionship, get yourself out there and see what comes of it. You'll be much happier and independent, trickling down to make your husband much happier when his home isn't a scene of depression and loneliness. Give him his space and his own time to decompress and plan some cool local stuff to do together on the weekends or a couple of evenings. Rent a movie, go biking, farmer's market, plan to cook something new together - try to make your time together interesting and less constant. When is the last time he had the house to himself for a couple of hours? It sounds like he could just use a bit of space now and then, and you may find that your mood will greatly affect his.

    2. Can't be happy where you are?

    Move. Either move back or move on to somewhere else. I get that being burgled terrified you. It happened to me as well, and I was in the house at the time. Moving out to the country was kind of extreme, but we're different. Move back and get a dog. Move to where you are going to be happy. Is living in bumfeck nowhere just to avoid being burgled worth you two being so miserable?

    3. Marriage Counseling

    A lot of people will tell you to jump straight into this, but I think that you should take an honest look at 1 and 2 before this step.

    As for your husband's friend? Drop it, forget about it and avoid him. Your feelings for him are borne out of your frustration with your husband and your boredom with your life, nothing more. No good will come from this.

     

     

    Great advice!!!

     

    [IMG]http://i289.photobucket.com/albums/ll204/MrsPrincessLily/notebook.jpg[/IMG]
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