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Sensitive about grandkids

Hi Nesties,

My husband and I can not have children and are probably not going to adopt.  We're at the age of deciding and I think we have made our decision.

As our engagement and marriage path unfolded, his sister became pregnant and had a quick wedding.  Now, she has a child and two stepchildren.  DH was the golden child in his family while his grandmother was alive and up until the new baby came.  Now, his parents spend a lot of money supporting his sister, travelling to see her, paying for her to travel home, and buying the baby both toys and essentials.  They have very little energy or concern for us.

I love and miss them.  And, I fully admit that I am jealous.  I have been part of the family for 4 years and had a nice place, too.  Now, we have puppies and she has a baby.  Our puppies have done well for puppies, but do not get along with her dog because she simply does not want to play.  They have also been startled by the older children and the children have also been startled, but everyone seems to find their place eventually.

All of her family will be going to our hometown for Christmas and we were uninvited because of the puppies.  We want to go to see my family since we went to TX for the birth last year.  So, we made arrangements for the puppies and planned to stay in a hotel.  SIL, BIL, children, baby, and dog could stay in great-grandfather's home comfortably and there will always be too many of them to stay comfortably at in-laws home.  We were only asked to go so far out of our way so that the baby would be in grandma's house day and night.  Did I mention that the dog was never uninvited?

They just recanted the uninvite for us and the puppies, but I am uncomfortable.  It isn't about anyone doing anything differently; it is simply about my jealousy.  I am sad that we aren't as special anymore.  Their hearts seem to have limits and there is less room for us now.  Is this common?  Have others had this experience?  I'd love to just hear that I am not alone.  I think I have enough time and awareness to calm my negative reactions and enjoy the holiday, but I sort of figured that this is not entirely unusual.

 Thanks for reading!

Nico

Re: Sensitive about grandkids

  • Your post is a little confusing.  However, if you were uninvited and then re-invited based on the puppies then I would leave them at home since you already made arrangements for them.  I don't have a dog, but I don't get the whole you have to take the dog everywhere with you thing.  Personally I think the other dog should stay home also to make things fair. 

    I never felt less special because my sister had kids before I did.  My family was good about that.  I think DH's family is closer with us now that we have kids, but they do not exclude the other siblings, so that is wrong of them to do so.  

    It does sound like you guys used to be the favorites since you said your DH was the golden child until the baby is born, so maybe look at it as taking turns.  Maybe SIL was jealous of you guys when DH was the golden child.  

    If you want a closer relationship with them maybe talk to them and make more of an effort.  If they are playing favorites though, I know it hurts but you might be glad of some of the distance since they are hurting you.  

  • I understand about the Dogs, I live in an area where I know no one and prefer not to kennel my dog given her temperament. I do however feel like dogs do not belong around small children, for the safety of both the Animal and the Child. Considering you already made arrangements for your Puppies I don't see a problem. 

    I would bring up this issue with the family simply saying you miss seeing them, and you feel this way because you don't have a child. Be honest and open to the idea of traveling to see each other.

    Becoming A Grandparent changes people, we do not have children yet, and see my Husbands parents travel year after year, month after month to see his brother and the grandchildren. We recently moved and they have not even said anything about visiting. It hurts me to see my husband feel like second fiddle and I wish it didn't happen, but we can't change it. and unfortunately it's up to us to make the change from within the family.

    Best of luck to you. 

  • I think people have the right to ask you to leave the dogs at home. I mean it's their house, their rules.

    I believe the deeper issue is that you and YH cannot have children and seeing the attention that your SIL is getting from something that you want is hard for you. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. Your in laws attention switching to your SIL and the baby must be hard, but it is something that I think is natural and I don't believe your in laws mean any harm.

    Lean on your husband during this rough time for you.

    (If I am correct and the root of your feelings is about the baby, you might wanna check out The Bump. I think they have boards for women to vent about infertility and they may be able to give you more advice on how to get through this. Good luck.) 

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since September 2012
  • Random thoughts- First paragraph- I'm sorry you are dealing with infertility/sterility issues. These can be gut wrenching. I second seeking out the infertility boards on the bump. They get this. Second paragraph- Very judgey. It's the relationship that matters, not the time table under which it was conducted. My parents met, became pregnant and had me in less than 11 months. They're still inseperable. And early on, they were broke as church mice- now they have 2 lovely homes and more money than they know what to do with. I don't like families where there are favorites, but where was your concern for the sister back when your DH hung the moon and she was an afterthough. It kind of sucks that she had to procreate to became the favorite. How must that make her feel? Third paragraph- Please teel me you aren't equating puppies with human babies. Seriosuly, I love my pets, but even in 8 years of infertility, I never thought of them as comparable in any way to my nieces other than being toilet trained faster. Fourth paragraph- Hey, you can't get between a grandma and her grandbaby. You're delusional if you think staying anywhere but with grandma is an option. It could very well be that grandma is one of those women who would have a closer bond to her DD's children than her son's. Who knows. As for the dog, perhaps he's a more mellow animal than yours are at this point. Spend time with your family as planned and visit when it's convenient for you. This sounds like a win to me. Fifth paragraph- "recant a disinvitation" That's like a double negative. WTF? The thing is, right now you aren't as important. Your MIL has been given a life altering gift. It's understandable that she'd be distracted and besotted by it. I lived this. My younger irresponsible sister had 2 kids while I struggled to have one for 8 years. Yes, it seemed unfair that she got them so easily. And yes, I got replaced and my share of the familial pie got reduced. But I adored my nieces and the loved me back, so it wasn't all bad. My nieces are adults now and their mom is gone. I was the one who was at graduation, in the room for the prenatal ultrasounds and the one to help plan the wedding. If ever there was a time to make lemonade, this is it. Oh, and by the time I finally had a child, my parents had moved onto other things and pretty much phoned in their roles as grandparents after having all but raised my nieces. That sucked, but I can only control what I think and do.
  • image ndearmond:

    Hi Nesties,

    My husband and I can not have children and are probably not going to adopt.  We're at the age of deciding and I think we have made our decision.

    As our engagement and marriage path unfolded, his sister became pregnant and had a quick wedding.  Now, she has a child and two stepchildren.  DH was the golden child in his family while his grandmother was alive and up until the new baby came.  Now, his parents spend a lot of money supporting his sister, travelling to see her, paying for her to travel home, and buying the baby both toys and essentials.  They have very little energy or concern for us.

    I love and miss them.  And, I fully admit that I am jealous.  I have been part of the family for 4 years and had a nice place, too.  Now, we have puppies and she has a baby.  Our puppies have done well for puppies, but do not get along with her dog because she simply does not want to play.  They have also been startled by the older children and the children have also been startled, but everyone seems to find their place eventually.

    All of her family will be going to our hometown for Christmas and we were uninvited because of the puppies.  We want to go to see my family since we went to TX for the birth last year.  So, we made arrangements for the puppies and planned to stay in a hotel.  SIL, BIL, children, baby, and dog could stay in great-grandfather's home comfortably and there will always be too many of them to stay comfortably at in-laws home.  We were only asked to go so far out of our way so that the baby would be in grandma's house day and night.  Did I mention that the dog was never uninvited?

    They just recanted the uninvite for us and the puppies, but I am uncomfortable.  It isn't about anyone doing anything differently; it is simply about my jealousy.  I am sad that we aren't as special anymore.  Their hearts seem to have limits and there is less room for us now.  Is this common?  Have others had this experience?  I'd love to just hear that I am not alone.  I think I have enough time and awareness to calm my negative reactions and enjoy the holiday, but I sort of figured that this is not entirely unusual.

     Thanks for reading!

    Nico

    You need to get some professional help.  Infertility is a horribly hard diagnosis and affects everyone in different ways, but almost always negatively. 

    And right now, your issues are affecting how you see/view the world and your inlaws in a most negative manner that will only exasorbate/intensify your feelings.  Because right now you are seeing very normal reactions on their parts, as slaps in your face.  They will alwasy be doing somethign wrong, when infact its YOUR perceptions.

    Ex:  Dogs are not children.  They are not humans. They are not supposed to go everywhere a human goes and it is perfectly ok that other people do not want dogs (even if they have dogs themselves) in their homes.  In fact it is RUDE to expect others to accommodate your dogs.

    Puppies are even worse.  They are unpredictable, not fully trained and have too much engergy.  Nor should they be around children unless they are being monitorede 100% of the time.  That means YOU are literally holding onto the puppies leash the entire time you are there and that the parents are literally on top of their child(ren) the entire time they are there. 

    That is not only not fair to the adults during a holiday celebration, it is not fair to the innocent children and dogs.

    YOUR transference onto your puppies is clouding this very reasonable point.

    Second, the fact that you are upset that your husband is no longer the Golden CHild needs some work. Instead of recognizing just how awful it must have been for your SIL all those years your DH took the spotlight and embracing it, you are jealous. 

    Is it because she had the grandchildren?  You betcha.  But what was if about your DH that got the special treatment? 

    Third, children DO change the dynamics of a relationship.  LOGISTICALLY it will always be easier for the unencumbered to travel.  This is why I never understand why parents with kids go to grandma's house for holidays.  It *** sucks packing all that extra gear, dealing with a baby/toddler/schoolager who is not physically, emotionally, or educationally mature enough to understand and deal with travel and then having to wrangle them in someone elses home.

    So if your SIL wants to have them in the house that best suits her logistical needs, then guess what, she gets it as long as her parents are ok with it too. 

    Because children rank higher than dogs and adutl humans. 

    Please talk to someone.  Because, while I DO have sympathy for your cunundrum, your excuses for not wanting to be around your inlaws (I would understand and sypthatize if you had said that you didnt want to be around the kids because it makes you feel your loss) are either extremely selfish or you are not really addressing the true feelings.

    Either way, you need help to work through it.

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • whatdoes your DH say about all of this?
    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
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