Trouble in Paradise
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Most annoying thing ever.

My husband and I just moved into our very first home three weeks ago. Since then, I am expected to clean and do everything with little or no help from him. He doesn't seem to think the house is dirty or any dishes need doing unless I leave him a list. Granted, he does work 7 am to 3:30 pm and is tired when he gets home but I also work an 8 hour day and don't get home till 6 which barely even gives me enough time to cook dinner. Which we actually agreed he would do on days I work and of course, he doesn't. I can spend all day cleaning the house and then ask him to do something, like put his dish in the dishwasher or pick up the garage, and he will sit there and tell me I haven't done anything all day so why don't I do it. I have talked to him about it and told him it hurts my feelings because I seem to do a lot more than he seems to think I do. He says sorry and then the next week does it again. Apparently, the house becomes magically clean while I sit on the couch and do nothing all day. I have no idea what to do and this whole issue is driving me insane. I have contemplated not doing anything, washing his clothes, doing his dishes, and just let him pick up after himself when he feels it is getting to cluttered and messy. But of course, after that I would get called childish and be told how I need to grow up. I really honestly don't know how to handle this situation at all. We talked about it and I thought it was dealt with but apparently not. This is our first house together, by ourselves, and I really don't want things to stay this way.

Re: Most annoying thing ever.

  • There are lots of things you could do here, but perhaps suggest working part time so you can pitch in more at home. By hitting him in the wallet he may see things different, or maybe suggest hiring a part time house keeper since you both work full time.  
  • He needs to be sat down for another talk.

    Refresh his memory a bit -- He comes home at 3:30?He's got the whole afternoon and evening ahead of him and you! He can dust, take out the trash, go through the mail, maybe do the laundry.  That's not too taxing.

    You got married to equally partner -- that includes everything, including the housework. 

    And wow... that his arms seem to drop off  when he comes home from work pales in comparison to this:

    of course, after that I would get called childish and be told how I need to grow up.

    If he's said this to you, I think that's pretty lousy of him. He can't talk to you like you're a wayward servant.

    And that he is refusing to help you, he's the one who is childish. What is he, some kid waiting for his mother to pick up after him?

    Not fair to you to do the entire scope of housework by yourself. As i said, have another talk with him and tell him that from here on in, he is pitching in -- and make sure he follows through.

    Try keeping a To Do book for all the household chores --- and at the start of the week, you and he go through it and note what's to be done each day for the upcoming week -- and decide together who does what. See if that works.

  • According to your bio you've been married since 2011; who did the cleaning between then and now?
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • Our first 2 years of marriage we lived in apartment and I did most of the cleaning but we had 1 bed/1 bath. When we moved into our first house (2 story)  I decided to hire a cleaning lady since we both work full time. I tried to clean on weekends at first but it was too tiring, he takes out the trash and takes care of yard work but refuses to wash dishes, clean bathrooms - any inside cleaning basically so I wash the dishes and cleaning lady does the rest. It's been working out so far. If your husband won't help and it's too much or tiring for you, get a cleaning lady or ask if he prefers for you to quit working in order to have the house clean, he should be willing to help you out with some chores if he doesn't want to hire someone to clean or have you stop working.

  • image zitiqueen:
    According to your bio you've been married since 2011; who did the cleaning between then and now?
    Yeah, I'm wondering this too. For some reason, I don't think this is really BRAND NEW BEHAVIOR that you've never seen before. 

     And his overall attitude?  I also doubt that this is really new, either.  He sounds mean and kind of like an a$$. 


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  • Unless your the maid it is unacceptable.  You deserve to have a life too.  DH and I have lived in our first house for about a year now and there is no way I could keep it up by myself.  Even if I did not work full time, I would not be able to to keep up.  

    My husband used to be a huge pig.  He did not clean or do laundry.  I told him I felt like his mother and it made me very unattracted to him.  After a year he really got better.  He knows I am much happier with his help.  I respect him more for acting adult and respecting me enough to do his part.  If he did not fix the behavior, I personally would be having a BIG problem. 

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  • Have you ever sat down and discussed what your parent's expectations were of each other?  Perhaps his mom did ALL the cooking/cleaning and so for him that is normal.  I totally agree that some of his behavior is unacceptable and your work needs to be appreciated and he NEEDS to step in and help out.  However, instead of accusing him of not helping it might be a good idea to look at where those expectations/behavior comes from and then deal with it from there.
  • Sorry to sound like a "B" about this... but honestly, if you can't keep up with cleaning a X square foot house, then you shouldn't own it.  Part of home ownership is being able to show pride in your home and take care of it. if your hubby is THAT unreasonable about pitching in, then perhaps suggesting a move back to a small apartment that you know you can keep clean might help him realize his responsibilities to his house.

    that being said, it sounds like you two need to talk a bit more to resolve this....

     try taking emotions and expectations completely out of it.  start from square one and pretend you're both brand new at this. sit down and make a list of every chore you can think of around the house. Find ways to do them TOGETHER (or divide them up FAIRLY).  also find out what each of you thinks a 'clean' house is. maybe he's fine with dishes in the sink for 3 days but you want them gone that night...? find a compromise that you both can work with.

    for example, today DH and I went grocery shopping. we came home to a full dishwasher and dishes in the sink. we put away groceries together and then hubby washed the sink stuff while i emptyed the dishwasher. dishes are my least favorite chore EVER, but doing them together gave us time to talk/catch up/etc. and it made it less horrible.

    another example? i hate outdoor work - especially when its cold. so hubby is taking care of the lawn/garbage/snow. i do the vacuuming and dusting. i also tend to help him with the garbage (i empty all the indoor ones into the kitchen and he takes it out)

    since work schedules sound tough - maybe evenings are best for you two. say 830-10p is housework on Tues and Thurs? also -- crockpot meals for your workdays? those are pretty easy to set and forget if hubby doesn't enjoy cooking.  also - put on music or a movie or something to make it more fun and engaging.

    last piece of advice -- just because you married him, doesn't mean he's someone you can order around to do housework. i'm sure you feel the same way about yourself.  the more you focus on compromise, and what works for BOTH of you, the more likely he'll be to follow through =)

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