Trouble in Paradise
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Husband cheated a year ago....

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Re: Husband cheated a year ago....

  • image NurseRobinson:

    ~STW-77~

    To answer your question, if my DH had a drug problem or alcohol problem, NO, I would not think divorce right away. I didn't want to bring religion into a public message board, but due to my religious beliefs and upbringing, I would be there for my DH because I would think he would need me at this time in his life. Me leaving him may make his problem worse. After time and the problem did not seem to get better, yes, I might consider divorce.

    Abuse, and constant cheating are reasons for a divorce. I just don't believe that one should divorce the FIRST time your spouse makes a mistake. I would never say till death due us part, if I couldn't forgive my husband ONE time.

    Again I say that everyone's situation is different. If OP can't get over it, then she has to do what is best for her and if divorce is best for her, then ok. 

     But here's the thing: It clearly wasn't the first time her H made that "mistake."  She said she knows about at least two, which means there's a very good chance there were many more than those two. That is not a "mistake." That is making a conscious choice over and over and over again to step out on your marriage. He continued until he got caught, and would more than likely still have multiple girlfriends on the side if he hadn't been caught.

    I'm sorry that you're in this situation, OP. It sounds like you have put a lot of work into trying to regain that trust, but I do not blame you for not being able to move past what happened. Are you currently in individual therapy? If not, I would strongly suggest it, whether you stay in your current marriage or not. It is okay to still be hurt, and it is okay to reconsider your marriage, even though it's been a year since it happened. Don't be afraid to listen to your feelings.

    image
  • Make a choice.  A) I trust him and I am moving on.  B) I love him but I can not move on.

    If you chose A you have to mean it.  Awesome if you are one of the success stories. If you don't mean it then you will never be happy and 10 years from now you will still have problems and be unhappy. 

    If you chose B its ok.  Some people are good at forgiving and others are deeply wounded and things will never be the same.  Even if he is not a bad guy you will spend the rest of your life torturing him with the guilt and you will continue feeling miserable.  

    I was raised with this issue.  Choice  A sucks when you cant really move on.  Its a bad environment for all.  

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  • It would be a different situation, maybe, if he were a guy who had treated her well otherwise.  He isn't.  He's a controlling, jealous assh*le who insisted that she never have contact with other men, even platonically, while cheating on her.

    People forget that it's not "for better or for worse" - it's "for better AND for worse".  There's a big difference.  Here, there is no better - there's just bad, worse, and worst.  Time to cut and run.

    image
  • image NurseRobinson:

    ~STW-77~

    To answer your question, if my DH had a drug problem or alcohol problem, NO, I would not think divorce right away. I didn't want to bring religion into a public message board, but due to my religious beliefs and upbringing, I would be there for my DH because I would think he would need me at this time in his life. Me leaving him may make his problem worse. After time and the problem did not seem to get better, yes, I might consider divorce.

    Abuse, and constant cheating are reasons for a divorce. I just don't believe that one should divorce the FIRST time your spouse makes a mistake. I would never say till death due us part, if I couldn't forgive my husband ONE time.

    Again I say that everyone's situation is different. If OP can't get over it, then she has to do what is best for her and if divorce is best for her, then ok. 

    Constant cheating? So as long as he only breaks his vows once in a while, and not alot you should stick it out? It doesn't matter that you feel like the floor is dropping out from underneath of you because of the massive betrayal by the person who vows to forsake all others or that your kids are affected by the "occasional infidelity" or that there are people out there who will love you and remain faithful to you, because God wants you to be miserable and put up with the betrayal because its only occasional.

    You seem like a nice girl, and I understand that being married for a few months allows you to be self righteous about your ideals of marriage, but you're advice isn't coming across as helpful, just self righteous and judgmental.

    [IMG]http://img534.imageshack.us/img534/1457/jansiggy.jpg[/IMG]
  • Whether you stay or go, move past this or not is completely up to you.  No one else.  Stop looking for what to do from internet strangers.  NO ONE at all can predict what they will do in such a situation UNTIL it happens to them.  NO ONE. 

    Get off the nest and, if you need to discuss what you're feeling, do so with your H, your counselor or visit a site like survivinginfidelity dot com as many of those individuals are dealing with exactly what you are.

    I will say it again...NO ONE can predict whether they stay or go, divorce or not until they are put into that situation.  If you feel like crying...cry.  Screaming...scream. Do what you have to do to first take care of you.  Realize that you did not cause this and, any sort of reconciliation and recovery will take a long time.  Again, it's up to you whether or not you want to move forward.  Can it be done?  OF COURSE it can.  But, it's not an easy road, it has it's ups and downs and throughout it all, you'll likely want to throw the towel in.  You need to fix you before anything else.  Good Luck.

    -someone who also "thought" it was a dealbreaker...but, after 12 years, I gave it a "GO" and am making it work...  

  • image yadi35:
    Well, the reasons he gave me were these: he had just gotten out of the service after being in for 7 years, and I was always gone going to school full-time and working full-time as well (didn't think that was possible but it is) and he felt out of place, and doing what he did emotionally gave him what i apparently could not, always being gone and all. He told me that he knew that was no excuse, and we discussed that in counseling. He hasn't given me any reason to believe he's been at it again (last time I got a feeling) but the doubt seems to always be there. Idk why he married me, I thought it was because he felt the same way i did about building a life together, but of course that belief was shattered. I agreed to forgive him because I don't take marriage lightly, but at the same time I feel like i let him off easily. He's been good to me, taking care of me when i need it, especially supportng me when i go through a bad night when I think too much about my miscarriage. We recently moved to New Jersey where I don't know anybody and I basically had to start my life again from scratch, and i guess i have too much time on my hands to think...

     

    Hey Girl,

    Your Husband shouldn't give you his "Reasons" for Cheating. you havent divorced him so here is what I'd say; You as his wife deserve to be treated with respect. If you are honest with him about your feelings he should respect that. not come up with a list of reasons why you should accept it. 

    Are you sure it is just the Cheating that is bothering you? Could it be the emotional toll you've both gone through with losing a child? 

    You can't help the way you truly feel. and making excuses are masking your issues. Be open an honest and talk. If talking isn't helping, try counseling. Try not to over think what is happening and take it one issue at a time.

     

    hope this is helpful. Wish you all the best. 

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