This is going to be a long post and I am sorry for that. I just have a lot going on and I really need help/advise.
I?ve been married for just over 3 years to a guy I met my freshmen year of college. Prior to him, I had really only dated two guys. I recently have been pretty depressed in my marriage and as much as I try to be happy, I just can?t. I love my husband, but I feel like my needs are not being met. I have talked to him about It, and he keeps telling me he is trying ? and I can see he really is trying, but it still doesn?t seem to be enough.
I really am trying too? we never took a honeymoon after our wedding. I am planning a surprise honeymoon with him this February and we are going on a cruise (not telling him until the day before we leave). I am agreeing to get out of the house and spend more time together, both in groups and just as us.
To make the entire situation more complex, a couple weeks ago, I started randomly talking to another guy (just as friends, nothing more) and I find myself longing for certain things in my marriage like someone to just listen to me, like this guy-friend does. He seems to be filling in some of the gaps I am missing in my marriage, which I know isn?t right. We have since stopped talking until I can figure things out because neither of us wants our friendship affecting either of our marriages.
I?ve been battling these thoughts for almost a year and I don?t know what to do. I have always had the worst self-esteem (at least until recently) and I am wondering if I settled on my husband because I convinced myself I couldn?t do any better. At the same time, I have suffered from depression my whole life and I wonder if my depression is manifesting itself in my marriage. I am fearful that if I do decide to leave, I will discover I am feeling this way only because of my depression and in the end I will lose the most important person in my life.
For once, I want to do what is right for me and I just can?t figure it out. I have always taken care of everyone else and done everything in my power to make others happy, regardless if it is the right thing for me. We don?t have any kids, but he is really starting to talk about starting to try, but I keep telling him I don?t feel ready to bring kids into the equation just yet. I just can't stop crying over all of this and I just need help.
I've considered asking for some space and moving in with my mom for a little to try to figure things out, but I really don't want to hurt him. And will that even help me figure anything out? I just don't know what to do.