Trouble in Paradise
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Stuck in a rut

This is going to be a long post and I am sorry for that. I just have a lot going on and I really need help/advise.

 I?ve been married for just over 3 years to a guy I met my freshmen year of college. Prior to him, I had really only dated two guys. I recently have been pretty depressed in my marriage and as much as I try to be happy, I just can?t. I love my husband, but I feel like my needs are not being met. I have talked to him about It, and he keeps telling me he is trying ? and I can see he really is trying, but it still doesn?t seem to be enough.

I really am trying too? we never took a honeymoon after our wedding. I am planning a surprise honeymoon with him this February and we are going on a cruise (not telling him until the day before we leave). I am agreeing to get out of the house and spend more time together, both in groups and just as us.

 To make the entire situation more complex, a couple weeks ago, I started randomly talking to another guy (just as friends, nothing more) and I find myself longing for certain things in my marriage like someone to just listen to me, like this guy-friend does. He seems to be filling in some of the gaps I am missing in my marriage, which I know isn?t right. We have since stopped talking until I can figure things out because neither of us wants our friendship affecting either of our marriages.

I?ve been battling these thoughts for almost a year and I don?t know what to do. I have always had the worst self-esteem (at least until recently) and I am wondering if I settled on my husband because I convinced myself I couldn?t do any better. At the same time, I have suffered from depression my whole life and I wonder if my depression is manifesting itself in my marriage. I am fearful that if I do decide to leave, I will discover I am feeling this way only because of my depression and in the end I will lose the most important person in my life.

For once, I want to do what is right for me and I just can?t figure it out. I have always taken care of everyone else and done everything in my power to make others happy, regardless if it is the right thing for me. We don?t have any kids, but he is really starting to talk about starting to try, but I keep telling him I don?t feel ready to bring kids into the equation just yet. I just can't stop crying over all of this and I just need help.

I've considered asking for some space and moving in with my mom for a little to try to figure things out, but I really don't want to hurt him. And will that even help me figure anything out? I just don't know what to do.

Re: Stuck in a rut

  • Before you do anything I would strongly suggest counseling. You've mentioned depression and self esteem issues, both need to be addressed before making life changing decisions. Tell your DH you are unhappy and that you want to seek help for yourself to see what is going on. If you've been diagnosed, are you on medication for your depression? Be open about it and let him know you want to get to the bottom of your feelings. No need to mention divorce or separation, just see how he reacts and let the conversation ensue. See if he is open to marriage counseling.  

    I am glad you've stopped communication with this friend, be sure you do not initiate contact with him or response if he does. You are both married, nothing good will come of it. There is a reason they say the grass is always greener, its b/c you are only see the outer appearance. New things always seem great, most of the time they fade quickly.

    image Nicholas loved for 28 weeks, 4/11/10
    Baby Boy loved for 15 weeks, 5/31/11
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  • Do not even consider kids until every problem you have is rectified and that the 'coast is clear" for a very very long time.

    Another talk with him is warranted --- and I second the suggestion of couples counseling. I'd make it a must if I were you.

    If he refuses to go, bad news.  To me, that means he's emotionally checked out of the relationship.
  • I'm glad you stopped talking to this male friend and don't start back talking to him.

    It's sounds like your self esteem and depression is a major problem in your marriage. You should seek counseling for yourself and with your husband.

    Good luck. 

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    TTC since September 2012
  • I am actually planning on starting counseling after the Thanksgiving holiday. And yes, I have received a diagnosis and am on medication for my depression. I have undergone counseling throughout my life, and our relationship, and he has always been understanding and encouraging of it. I'm almost positive he would be open to marriage counseling as well, especially if he knew how I was truly feeling. That would have to wait until after the new year as schedules do not allow it right now (not just an excuse...final weeks of grad school w/thesis).

    We have gone through this before and we have talked about it each time it happens (I am actually a counselor myself and believe in open communication). After talking, two things happen. 1.) Things get better for a couple weeks (he becomes more affectionate, he spends more time with me, he helps around the house more, etc) but then within a few weeks, it goes back to how it was. 2.) I end up coming to the conclusion that what we have it actually good. This is the first time the latter hasn't happened.

    Thank you, everyone, for your responses. I hate to talk to people other than my husband about our relationship, but sometimes I just need to feel supported and that I am not alone in my thoughts/feelings.

  • I agree with counseling. Nothing helps more than talking it out.
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