Trouble in Paradise
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In the meantime?

So, I am going to make a super long story as short as possible without leaving out key info. Hubby and I have been married almost 5 months. We were together for 7 1/2 years prior to the wedding. He has recently (over the last month or so) been increasingly distant-he blamed it on work stresses when I have asked what's up, and assured me it was nothing to do with me. He also started going to the bars with his co-workers with increasing frequency. On Thursday night/Friday morning (a week ago) he came home at 4:45 AM. He was out with co-workers in town from Japan. I teach, and during my lunch break I had to e-mail him about a few things. I added in the e-mail that I would like to talk to him later that night about the extensiveness of his going out and to see if we could come up with some ground rules together. A few minutes later I get an e-mail that says he is going to visit his dad in Virginia because he needs to think about some things before we talk.

So he gets back on Sunday night. He says he is unhappy with us, in our marriage. He said he didn't know why, or how long he had been feeling like this. He had no answers for me. I felt like my world and everything I knew was crumbling around me.

Monday, he agreed to see a counselor by himself, and at some point we will go together for marriage counseling. 

 My question to this group of people is how do I make it through the pain of knowing he is not happy and the pain of the drinking issue that he wont stop (he went out again tonight, but wants "points" because he was home 5 minutes after the agreed upon time). The "D" word (divorce) is not an option. So, does anyone have wisdom on to which I can lean in order to make it through the healing process once it begins?

Thanks!

Re: In the meantime?

  • image jamier627:

    So, I am going to make a super long story as short as possible without leaving out key info. Hubby and I have been married almost 5 months. We were together for 7 1/2 years prior to the wedding. He has recently (over the last month or so) been increasingly distant-he blamed it on work stresses when I have asked what's up, and assured me it was nothing to do with me. He also started going to the bars with his co-workers with increasing frequency. On Thursday night/Friday morning (a week ago) he came home at 4:45 AM. He was out with co-workers in town from Japan. I teach, and during my lunch break I had to e-mail him about a few things. I added in the e-mail that I would like to talk to him later that night about the extensiveness of his going out and to see if we could come up with some ground rules together. A few minutes later I get an e-mail that says he is going to visit his dad in Virginia because he needs to think about some things before we talk.

    So he gets back on Sunday night. He says he is unhappy with us, in our marriage. He said he didn't know why, or how long he had been feeling like this. He had no answers for me. I felt like my world and everything I knew was crumbling around me.

    Monday, he agreed to see a counselor by himself, and at some point we will go together for marriage counseling. 

     My question to this group of people is how do I make it through the pain of knowing he is not happy and the pain of the drinking issue that he wont stop (he went out again tonight, but wants "points" because he was home 5 minutes after the agreed upon time). The "D" word (divorce) is not an option. So, does anyone have wisdom on to which I can lean in order to make it through the healing process once it begins?

    Thanks!

     

    Yes, try counseling, most definitely. Lots of people/couples benefit from being able to work on their issues with a neutral 3rd party mediating. Things will not get better overnight (Or if they do, 1 or both of you is over-compensating looking for "microwave results", in which case, things did not actually get better), but you won't know how you'll both feel until you actually start taking the steps.


    Right now, it just seems like he wants to party and have fun with his friends. It doesn't seem like a lost cause, as long as you are BOTH committing to working this out. Both of people have to be 100% committed to making a marriage work for it to actually work. If one of has some break-through in counseling where you realize that you will never be truly happy with the other person, there's not really much else for you to do, no amount of commitment from the other party is going to be enough to fix it.


    But never ever say that "the 'D' word is not an option". 1) It is. 2) Sometimes it's the best one.

     


    I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
    image
  • image RamonaFlowers:
    image jamier627:

    So, I am going to make a super long story as short as possible without leaving out key info. Hubby and I have been married almost 5 months. We were together for 7 1/2 years prior to the wedding. He has recently (over the last month or so) been increasingly distant-he blamed it on work stresses when I have asked what's up, and assured me it was nothing to do with me. He also started going to the bars with his co-workers with increasing frequency. On Thursday night/Friday morning (a week ago) he came home at 4:45 AM. He was out with co-workers in town from Japan. I teach, and during my lunch break I had to e-mail him about a few things. I added in the e-mail that I would like to talk to him later that night about the extensiveness of his going out and to see if we could come up with some ground rules together. A few minutes later I get an e-mail that says he is going to visit his dad in Virginia because he needs to think about some things before we talk.

    So he gets back on Sunday night. He says he is unhappy with us, in our marriage. He said he didn't know why, or how long he had been feeling like this. He had no answers for me. I felt like my world and everything I knew was crumbling around me.

    Monday, he agreed to see a counselor by himself, and at some point we will go together for marriage counseling. 

     My question to this group of people is how do I make it through the pain of knowing he is not happy and the pain of the drinking issue that he wont stop (he went out again tonight, but wants "points" because he was home 5 minutes after the agreed upon time). The "D" word (divorce) is not an option. So, does anyone have wisdom on to which I can lean in order to make it through the healing process once it begins?

    Thanks!

     

    Yes, try counseling, most definitely. Lots of people/couples benefit from being able to work on their issues with a neutral 3rd party mediating. Things will not get better overnight (Or if they do, 1 or both of you is over-compensating looking for "microwave results", in which case, things did not actually get better), but you won't know how you'll both feel until you actually start taking the steps.


    Right now, it just seems like he wants to party and have fun with his friends. It doesn't seem like a lost cause, as long as you are BOTH committing to working this out. Both of people have to be 100% committed to making a marriage work for it to actually work. If one of has some break-through in counseling where you realize that you will never be truly happy with the other person, there's not really much else for you to do, no amount of commitment from the other party is going to be enough to fix it.


    But never ever say that "the 'D' word is not an option". 1) It is. 2) Sometimes it's the best one.


     

    I couldn't agree more on this statement.  I really get upset at women who say divorce is not an option.  I'm not saying to not give it your all to make things work because that is great that you both are willing to do this.  I see so many women out there that do ALL the work to save a marriage while the husband doesn't even try.  But I looooooooooove him they will say.  It's not love if you BOTH can't work together and make the effort to make it work.  I'm divorced and remarried a wonderful man.  I went through the same thinking you have in that divorce is not an option but in my case it was the best option and now I'm happier than ever.  Anyway, sorry for the rambling but just know that divorce CAN be an option when all else fails.  I'm glad to hear that BOTH of you are working on this but the second he is not invested anymore, I would say it's time to look into the "D" word. Good luck to you! 

  • I had a girlfriend come and tell me she wanted a divorce and she couldn't articulate why.  She also was going out with work friends a lot and being very distant with her husband.  What I think was going on with her was that she was depressed and when her marriage wasn't magically curing everything she decided it wasn't "right"  I recommended that they go to counselling and for her to talk to someone about depression, I'd say the same for your husband.  There may be an underlying issue that doesn't have much to do with you.  
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • So, when he tells you that he wants a divorce you are goingto tell him that isnt an option?

    That is where this is headed...he is just stalling and doesnt have the balls just to tell you.

    Youd rather let him string you along for another year and he knows that. He will just keep hoping that you will get fed up and leave so he doesnt have to be the bad guy.

    PS- a depressed person doesnt go out with his friends and leave his wife alone all the time. That is NOT what depression does.



  • image magsugar13:

    So, when he tells you that he wants a divorce you are goingto tell him that isnt an option?

    That is where this is headed...he is just stalling and doesnt have the balls just to tell you.

    Youd rather let him string you along for another year and he knows that. He will just keep hoping that you will get fed up and leave so he doesnt have to be the bad guy.

    PS- a depressed person doesnt go out with his friends and leave his wife alone all the time. That is NOT what depression does.



    This exactly.

    He "doesn't know why"? Nope. He knows why indeed.

    He has no idea how long he's been feeling like this? For love of Mike, you are not even married 5 months! That means he's been feeling like this for a long time, and a long time before the wedding, I will bet.

    I call bullshit on this one, this "don't know how long" he's been feeling this way. He knows, all right.

    See a therapist on your own. Find out what your options are -- above all, put yourself first.

    Why should you walk on eggs around this guy and be the chief cook and bottle washer for a guy who is "distant and doesn't know why he feels this way"??

    The same kind of thing happened to me before it really started to heat up around here. I had him pulling the distant routine, too. He claimed it was a work thing and he was upset that a coworker of his quit minus notice and headed out the door. Imagine that; you're distant because of a coworker who quit. Ha.

    Something else is in the mix here. He's merely decided he doesn't want to be married, he was never ready for marriage, your relationship with him was frought with problems before you tied the knot and now they've come to a boiling point, this marriage never should have taken place or there's somebody else already in the wings with your H.

    Married 5 months?

    This also could be annulment versus divorce.

    Was he going out excessively before the wedding and all along for quite some time before that...and maybe you "only" noticed it now?

    At any rate, he has no business doing what he is doing. He's more or less living the single guy's life style while being married -- and in this case, I tend to think "other woman." And I will bet you that she's been in the picture all along; this just didn't start after you and he got married.

    Don't let him lollygag; he needs to give you a full explanation what's going on inside his head. This "I don't know" baloney won't cut the ice.

    You're a mommy to this fool, not a wife with equal footing with her husband:


    My question to this group of people is how do I make it through the pain of knowing he is not happy and the pain of the drinking issue that he wont stop (he went out again tonight, but wants "points" because he was home 5 minutes after the agreed upon time).

    He's got a curfew, just like middle school...

    And there is a drinking issue that wont' stop??

    You've got a 3 fold problem: he drinks too too much and he's out on the town, living it up and doing it often...and he he lets you play a guessing game by being distant to you.

    Time for this bum to take a permanent hike. Alcoholism is a dealbreaker; you'd be wise to drop into AlAnon and bounce all of this off him.

    So you have a man about town, a guy who lets you play guessing games AND a drunk -- and you're not even married 5 months?

    Do you need any of this??? You and he should be growing closer, not growing apart.

    The sooner he is gone the better off you will be. Get this marriage annulled if he will NOT agree immediately to get to Alcoholics Anonymous and get a sponsor and get clean and sober. And boot him if he won't come clean with why he's so distant and where it is he is exactly for all those nights he was out on the town.

    You were together for quite awhile before you got married. Maybe it was such that this relationship was over but somehow you and he decided marriage was what to do.

    And it's a sure fire bet that he was drinking and drinking a lot before you were married. Based on this, you needed to run like hell -- and Al Anon for YOU, stat.

    You yourself might also want to drop into AA to bounce the drinking problem off them. They will tell you what I told you: Tell him that either he goes or the drinking problem goes and that he needs to get his tail to AA and get a sponsor and get clean and sober with their help.

    This entire situation will only get worse not better. Wishing you luck. Do the right thing for yourself.

  • Yep, he knows exactly why he isn't happy and it probably means he doesn't want to be married anymore.  However, he also doesn't want to be the bad guy either, he wants you to be the one to end it.

    I say fine, stop wasting your time and your life away waiting for something to happen that isn't going to.  This man doesn't want to be married to you, accept that and move on.  Maybe in time you will find someone who does want to be married to you.  Not only wants to be married to you, but can't wait to marry you.  A man who believes you to be a blessing to his life, and when he sees you, it is the highlight of his day.  A man that  is kind, loving, patient, but mostly a man that respects and admires you.  What you have isn't a husband in the true sense or a man who is accountable to the vows he made to you.  What you have is a self centered coward. 

  • I believe he knows exactly why he isnt happy. There is a HUGE problem when all of a sudden he would rather be out at bars at all hours of the night instead of at home with his family.

    Seems like he just doesnt want to tell you.

    The "D" word isnt an option huh? So you would rather be miserable?

    This doesnt sound good. GL OP!

  • And he needs to be strung up and swung by whatever you wish to swing him by, for wasting the OP's time by marrying her

    I am guessing that perhaps he went ahead and planned marriage to the OP because it was expected, everybody thought it would come next, there was pressure from friends, relatives, etc. -- whatever the reason was, IMO this marriage shouldn't have happened.

    These problems were probably there during the planning stages of the wedding.  Or the relationship had already run its course but a wedding was planned and held. There's no way all of these problems cropped up right after the wedding happened.

    A marriage that is 5 months old should not have problem after problem.

    For the fact alone he's drinking too too much she needs to say goodbye to him, stat -- and have this union annulled.  Marriage to a drunk is no marriage at all.

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