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For your Viewing Pleasure - Lurker with a Monster - In- Law

Hello Everyone,

I tend to lurk on here for advice, but I figured it was time to share a bit. My husband and I just recently got married in June of this year. For the last 2 years, his mother has displayed very horrible behavior towards me needless to say. Out of respect for my husband, I have always kept silent and allowed him to address the issues with her. He has always taken my side and defended me. Whether or not his mother respects him and does what he asks is a different story. So I have finally received the letter that has broken the camel's back (I've received over a dozen of these). Also, I have had no personal contact with either of his parents since after we got married. I have not asked for or asked my husband to ask them for any of the advice given in the following letter. So for your reading pleasure:

"Katie, please stop picking on us for everything we say or do; please stop this. We will write "Mr. & Mrs." when something concerns the two of you and when it only concerns "Husband" we will only write his name on the envelopes. It's nothing personal so please don't take it that way. It's simply common sense. Also, we are Chad's parents and we will sign our names, "Mom & Dad" because yes, we are his Mom & Dad and because you two are married now. we will still continue to write, "Mom & Dad" We are not going to sign "Mrs. & Mrs. Goulet" to you; it doesn't make sense. Why do you let these little things bother you so much! It's nothing major to worry about! Please don't sweat the small things/stuff. You shouldn't even be worring about something like that. It's as if you don't want us to get close or to get in. Why is that? We love you both so very much and we have the rest of our lives to be family and yes we are family now so we should be making the best of it however long we have. We are going to be needing each other for one thing or another and if we don't have family, we don't have anything. We miss you guys & we have always been close to both of our sons and we always talked & told each other everything. This is the way we have always been and will be. Both of our parents, FIL's & MIL's have always signed their cards and letters to me, Love Mom & Dad or Love Mom & Dad G or Love, Mom & Dad L, and I loved that. I didn't tell them not to do that; I wouldn't dream of talking to our parents that way. I loved them very much & respected them and thanked them for everything they have done for us and appreciated everything very much. It's how we live our everyday lives & it's normal. Katie, I understand you do not call us Mom & Dad but we want you to because we don't mind and we would prefer it and love it because after all, since we are Husband's parents we are your parents, too. Even if you don't call us Mom & Dad we will still only refer to us as your Mom & Dad and that's how it is going to be. 

I don't open my husband's mail because I respect him & his privacy & he doesn't open my mail either because he respects me & my privacy. If you worry about little things like this, what's going to happen when there's actually something really big to worry about? Anyway, don't be upset or mad at me or us because we're not upset or mad at you at all. Just trying to help you understand how it is going to be in this family whether you like it or not, o.k.?

If you still choose to write Mr. & Mrs. Goulet or call us that, it is still ok to write Mom & Dad or Mom & Dad G and it means no harm to your parents, rights? Its what we've always done & its how have always lived and will live.

We can't keep putting "Husband" and my husband in between everything because it's not good for them or us and it's only hurting everyone in the long run and just stressing everybody out for no reason & we/they don't need that at all.

When birthdays, anniversaires or holidays come up, I've always been the one to buy all the cards for both sides of the family for all of these years because I know how busy "Husband" is and he doesn't have that much time to buy cards. The only card that he buys is my card (wife) for all of these occasions.

I've always bought cards for husband, Dad (from the boys), 2 sons, brother cards for "Husband" and "BIL" to send to each other, "FIL" us to buy Mom cardshe boys to send to me, then I would buy Dad & Mom or Parent Cards to send to both of our parents, Grandparents or Grandma & Grandpa cards to send from "Husband" and "BIL", brother & wife or brother & sister-in-law, sister & husband or sister & brother-in-law, nieces, nephews, and cousins or whatever the case may be - I've always done it.

I buy cards for the whole month for both sides of the family (FIL & mine) for whatever occaisions would happen to come up and I would have them home so that they could always be signed on time and got them out on time as much as possible. I always have to be thinking way far ahead.

If there are too many occasions in one month, then I split it up into 1/2 of the month & the the other half. Then if there's a holiday, I buy them at another time. Always have to be thinking of others first. 

My sister-in-law does the same thing up in Massachusetts. She buys for my brother's family & for her own family by the month, for both sides, just like I do. My mom did the same thing and my mother-in-law did the same thing.

Even sometimes when envelops say, "Mr. & Mrs. In-laws name" I'll wait & let "FIL name" open them if they come from his side of the family just so he has the chance to open family mail. 

Hope everything continues to go well with Chad and you. I hope you have a better understanding of how things are done in this family and will continue to be done. We expect you to do the same thing.

Love, Mom & Dad"

 

I do have a follow up letter, but I'll save it for another post.

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Re: For your Viewing Pleasure - Lurker with a Monster - In- Law

  • Also, I do NOT gossip about his parents to him or to anyone else. If there is an issue we talk about it and make a resolution that is best for our marriage.
  • I don't know how to respond without understanding what you did to prompt this letter. It doesn't seem like it was written in malice, but more as a way to clearly communicate her side and make an attempt to have you understand where she is coming from. I don't think you should write back. Personally, I think it would be much better to sit down and have a grown-up conversation with your new family.
  • I understand how difficult it is to understand where this letter has come from. Basically, to sum it up....if I don't do exactly what she says or do it the ways she says it is to be done then I get cussed out about it. It is a never ending process. She doesn't want to cut the apron strings and only wants to tell Husband and I how to do everything.

    I have done nothing since we got married to prompt this. I've only ask my husband to tell his parents I did not want to call them Mom and Dad, and to please address mail to the both of us. His mom has a history of sending mail here addressed only to my husband thinking I won't read it, so she writes talking bad about me in them to him. So I suppose my husband told her that I read his mail and she doesn't like that. She probably put the "card" bit in there because my husband didn't send them an Anniversary card. However, if I were to send cards out the way she says I should I would be mailing 3-4 cards every day. I come from a VERY large family with being the youngest of 6.

  • So, clearly there's an incident that prompted this letter involving how they should sign their names.

    I've got to tell you, the person writing this letter seems upset and anxious, maybe even pushy, but I don't get a "Monster in law" vibe from her.  

    I am guessing that what happened here is that she sent a card to your son or perhaps to the pair of you and signed it "Mom and Dad" and you took offense at this and let her know it or asked your H to pass along your displeasure.  This is her explanation of why she signed the card that way.  In her long-winded way, I think she's trying to tell you to relax and not be so threatened by something that's really no big deal.

    So, is there a lot more to the story?  Other than being long-winded and frantic, where's the "Monster" here? 

  • Since we have been married his mother has refused to recognize that I'm even married to her son. She has repeatedly referred to herself has my mother to other people as well as in writing. I have never personally spoken to her about this. I asked my husband to talk to her about it and how uncomfortable it made me feel. This is only the tip of the iceberg, if it isn't this in the past it has been about how Chad and I won't have a joint banking account with his father, etc. Or it's about how she doesn't approve of my role in the household as the future breed-winner. 

    This is my potential follow up response and THE FIRST TIME I have ever PERSONALLY addressed his parents about their behavior:

    Dear FIL & MIL,

    Thank you so much for thinking of Chad and I during Halloween. However, we would appreciate a card more with a simple thinking of you instead of ?Negative Nancy? comments and unsolicited advice. The both of you have been married for many years now.  You have found what works best in the both of yours relationship and what works best in running your home. Please allow Chad and I to do the same. We are our own family now and will do things the way that works best for us, even if it is different from what both of our parents have done in the past. What matters most is that Chad and I are happy with each other and in our marriage as oppose to appeasing certain family members. 

    One thing that works best for us is that Chad and I do not keep secrets from each other. Our trust for each other is a part of our relationship?s foundation.  We do read each other?s mail, because no one should be sending us mail that we would not want the other person to see. Also, if anyone has something to say to me they should be able to say it to my husband as well, and vice versa. Now that Chad and I are married, there is no need for privacy of that type. Anything that concerns me now also concerns Chad, and vice versa. That is why we requested you to address any mail to both of us (unless it is a birthday card) out of respect for our trust in each other and out of respect for our marriage. You may feel differently about this, and that is your prerogative to. Furthermore, out of necessity it is my responsibility to check the mail and read the mail during the week, in case something important comes. Chad is not available during the week to read and sort mail, so it has become my responsibility to open the mail no matter who it comes from or is addressed to.  How Chad and I deal with our household responsibilities is really not any of your business. How the both of you handle mail is what works best for you, however, it is not what works best for us. If we wanted your advice or to be told how to handle our mail we would ask you. Since we did not ask you for advice, please for future reference don?t give it.

    Next, I understand that it is tradition or custom in your family to call both sets of parents ?Mom & Dad?. However, out of respect to my own parents, I will never think of you or refer to you as ?My Parents? or ?Mom & Dad.? You are not my parents! I married Chad and he is my husband. That does not make you my parents it merely makes you my in-laws. I would prefer to call you Mr. and Mrs. Last Name or Larry and Sue. I am not being disrespectful or ungrateful by not calling you ?Mom & Dad? or requesting you to not refer to yourselves as such to me, it is merely the fact that you are not. On top of that, how am I to view you as ?my parents? when you have repeatedly failed to treat me as a daughter /daughter-in-law or even welcome me into the family. Instead, I?m treated as an outsider and talked down to as if I?m still a child. I?m 25 years old, with more college education than you, and I have been living on my own in another state for the last 3 years. I think I know how to take care of a household. I?d appreciate again if you kept your unsolicited advice to yourself. Remember to old saying, ?If you have nothing nice to say, don?t say anything at all.? Please do not critique me unless you would like me to critique you in return.

    I do not know where you get off thinking ?I?m so worried about things, I am making a big deal out of a small thing, or am picking on you? I have not once call or written either of you personally complaining about any of the issues you say are a ?big deal? or tell you how to run your household. I?ve only merely asked Chad to inform you about how uncomfortable I am with you referring to yourself as ?Mom & Dad? when speaking or writing to me personally and how I would prefer to call you by your first names or as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name.

    In reference to your unsolicited advice on how I should manage sending cards to family members, again I did not ask for your advice. Just because your family and you have done something the same way for several generations does not entitle you to tell me to do it the same way or require that I do it that way. Chad and I have been raised in two different families that have different traditions and customs. It is up to Chad and I to decide which of those traditions and customs we would like to continue and what new traditions and customs we would like to start. Chad and I take personal responsibility for each of our own families and sending cards. Both of us have VERY busy and full day to day schedules. What you have done in your home has worked for you; however, it does not work for us. Yes, it is important to think of others on special occasions; however, card giving can get out of hand and be overdone especially when your from a very large family. We feel that sending cards on the most important occasions are best. This includes birthdays for parents, grandparents, and siblings; Mother?s Day; Father?s Day; and Christmas. If one of us has a parent or sibling birthday it is our individual responsibility to see that it is sent. I do not have the personal luxury of being a ?Stay at Home Wife or Mother? and I do not have oodles? of time to sit and write cards to people I do not personally know. I do work 2 jobs (about 20 hours a week), go to pharmacy school full time, manage cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and paying the bills because Chad is only home 2 days of the week. It is a luxury to Chad and I to be able to sit down and enjoy some down time.  However, for your personal information, Chad and I will be sending out our own family Christmas card this year and would appreciate it if you did not include Chad or I?s signature in your family Christmas card.

    Next, we both appreciate all that both of you have done for us and we have expressed that in the ?Thank You? cards that have been sent to you. Personally, I do not see where you can say that I have not thanked you. I have ALWAYS written a personal Thank You card for every gift that you have given me and have even given a thank you card and gift for when I stayed in your home two summers ago to complete my community pharmacy rotation with you. On the other hand, I do not recall ever receiving a thank you card from you for all the gifts that I have ever given you, not even a thank you card for the wedding gift we gave you in June. If you are going to critique how appreciative Chad and I are, you should first critique yourselves.

    Remember the old saying, ?Good fences, make for Great neighbors.? Walls or boundaries are essential in any marriage for it to work. Our finances, household decisions, personal health, and sexual relationship is off limits to both sets of parents unless, both of us agree to share that information.  Chad and I do not ask to see your bank statements or other financial documents. We do not call or write you to tell you how you should run your household or ask you about your sexual relationship. As the bible says and how you have so rudely said before?.?When a man leaves his father and his mother, he shall cleave unto his wife.?  For the last 24 years of Chad?s life, yes you have been privy to know every single detail of his life; however, that is no longer the case. Chad no longer lives in your home. He has moved out and started his own family. The family dynamic has changed and you need to learn to accept it and move on. It is not that we want to push you away or not include you. It is to protect our own marriage. If we have news that we want to share with you we will, otherwise, it is none of your business.  Also, how can you say we don?t include you when Chad and I both have invited you on two separate occasions to come and visit us? We have been willing to open our house to you to visit and entertain you for important family holidays. However, you have continued to decline our invitations. So please note that Chad and I have VERY busy and NON-flexible schedules now and for the next couple of years. I suggest that you take us up on invitations to visit, because all other times are an inconvenient time and we will not be entertaining guests. I love to entertain and would love to have you join us when we invite you.

    Lastly, if you want to mend the bridges with me, sending a card with inappropriate comments and unsolicited advice is NOT the way to do it. I suggest a deep, heartfelt apology would be the first place to start. I?m ashamed of your behavior for the last 2 years and I feel sorry for you.  You humiliated me at my bridal shower and continued that humiliation at our wedding. The both of you further went on to act like children over an appropriate time to visit Chad and I this summer. Not to mention I am aware of the voicemail in which you told Chad that, ?You don?t think we are going to work out.? How do you expect me to want to act like you are my best friend and call or write you, when you continue to treat me as if I?m the worst thing that has ever happened to your family? You have explicitly verbally told me to never call you again, and that you wanted nothing to ever do with me. Would you want to have a relationship with someone who treated you like that? I will have no personal relationship with you until you can show with your actions that you are truly sorry for your despicable behavior and you change your behavior. Just because Chad and I are now married, doesn?t make everything ok with you or the memories of your behavior go away. If you would like a relationship with me, then maybe you should start treating me like a daughter-in-law, instead of a ?stranger?-in-law. If you want to know how I?m doing or want to say ?Hi? then call and ask, don?t write Chad and tell him to tell me. If you want to know Chad and I?s plans then call and ask, but don?t throw a tantrum when it isn?t what you want.  Please respect Chad and I?s household, just as we respect yours. I am not mad at either of you, I just choose to ignore the petty drama that you continue to cause because it is not worth my valuable time. I?ve only chosen to respond to your letter to give you clarification and a clearer understanding. Any future communication of this type will be ignored and thrown away.

    Furthermore, we would appreciate if you kept all of your negative comments to yourself. Also, if Chad and I do not ask for your advice or ask what your opinion is, then please do not give it.  I don?t think you would appreciate it if either Chad or I were to tell you how to do things? Hopefully, this brings some understanding to you. We hope that you are able to enjoy Halloween!

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  • imageklhuddleston1225:

    I understand how difficult it is to understand where this letter has come from. Basically, to sum it up....if I don't do exactly what she says or do it the ways she says it is to be done then I get cussed out about it. It is a never ending process. She doesn't want to cut the apron strings and only wants to tell Husband and I how to do everything.

    I have done nothing since we got married to prompt this. I've only ask my husband to tell his parents I did not want to call them Mom and Dad, and to please address mail to the both of us. His mom has a history of sending mail here addressed only to my husband thinking I won't read it, so she writes talking bad about me in them to him. So I suppose my husband told her that I read his mail and she doesn't like that. She probably put the "card" bit in there because my husband didn't send them an Anniversary card. However, if I were to send cards out the way she says I should I would be mailing 3-4 cards every day. I come from a VERY large family with being the youngest of 6.

     

    Your MIL has made it very clear what she is saying in this letter. You HAVE to do what she SAYS and WANTS. You are to send out cards to everyone and address them the way SHE WANTS.

    I would laugh, throw her letter away and never send anyone from Hs family a card again. She can "demand", "instruct" and "teach" you whatever she wants. You are an adult can choose to do whatever you want. I also, love how she threw and Aunt, Grandma & Great Grandma in as examples of how it's "always" been done.

    Your MIL sounds like an unbending, narcissist control freak. Stand up for yourself or you will regret it. 

  • imageJim&Jaime:
    I don't know how to respond without understanding what you did to prompt this letter. It doesn't seem like it was written in malice, but more as a way to clearly communicate her side and make an attempt to have you understand where she is coming from. I don't think you should write back. Personally, I think it would be much better to sit down and have a grown-up conversation with your new family.

    I agree.

    Dont write back. Maybe a face to face would be better in this situation. 

  • imageklhuddleston1225:

    I understand how difficult it is to understand where this letter has come from. Basically, to sum it up....if I don't do exactly what she says or do it the ways she says it is to be done then I get cussed out about it. It is a never ending process. She doesn't want to cut the apron strings and only wants to tell Husband and I how to do everything.

    I have done nothing since we got married to prompt this. I've only ask my husband to tell his parents I did not want to call them Mom and Dad, and to please address mail to the both of us. His mom has a history of sending mail here addressed only to my husband thinking I won't read it, so she writes talking bad about me in them to him. So I suppose my husband told her that I read his mail and she doesn't like that. She probably put the "card" bit in there because my husband didn't send them an Anniversary card. However, if I were to send cards out the way she says I should I would be mailing 3-4 cards every day. I come from a VERY large family with being the youngest of 6.

    Okay, this helps. Just ignore her.  She's nutty.  So, she sends long-winded emails explaining how she manages her family's card-sending routine.  Forward to your H.  Who cares?  Do things your own way.  Just because she's telling you "how things are going to be done" in the family doesn't mean you have to follow suit.  Don't take the bait.  In fact, I'd send back an email saying, "Dear Mom -- thanks for your email explaining how you do cards.  Now I understand.  Chad says 'hi.'  Have a good day.  Sincerely, khuddleston."

    She's making a big stink about nothing, and you are being sucked into it.  Just stop letting her drag you down to her level. 

  • imageklhuddleston1225:

    Since we have been married his mother has refused to recognize that I'm even married to her son. She has repeatedly referred to herself has my mother to other people as well as in writing. I have never personally spoken to her about this. I asked my husband to talk to her about it and how uncomfortable it made me feel. This is only the tip of the iceberg, if it isn't this in the past it has been about how Chad and I won't have a joint banking account with his father, etc. Or it's about how she doesn't approve of my role in the household as the future breed-winner. 

    This is my potential follow up response and THE FIRST TIME I have ever PERSONALLY addressed his parents about their behavior:

    Dear FIL & MIL,

    Thank you so much for thinking of Chad and I during Halloween. However, we would appreciate a card more with a simple thinking of you instead of ?Negative Nancy? comments and unsolicited advice. The both of you have been married for many years now.  You have found what works best in the both of yours relationship and what works best in running your home. Please allow Chad and I to do the same. We are our own family now and will do things the way that works best for us, even if it is different from what both of our parents have done in the past. What matters most is that Chad and I are happy with each other and in our marriage as oppose to appeasing certain family members. 

    One thing that works best for us is that Chad and I do not keep secrets from each other. Our trust for each other is a part of our relationship?s foundation.  We do read each other?s mail, because no one should be sending us mail that we would not want the other person to see. Also, if anyone has something to say to me they should be able to say it to my husband as well, and vice versa. Now that Chad and I are married, there is no need for privacy of that type. Anything that concerns me now also concerns Chad, and vice versa. That is why we requested you to address any mail to both of us (unless it is a birthday card) out of respect for our trust in each other and out of respect for our marriage. You may feel differently about this, and that is your prerogative to. Furthermore, out of necessity it is my responsibility to check the mail and read the mail during the week, in case something important comes. Chad is not available during the week to read and sort mail, so it has become my responsibility to open the mail no matter who it comes from or is addressed to.  How Chad and I deal with our household responsibilities is really not any of your business. How the both of you handle mail is what works best for you, however, it is not what works best for us. If we wanted your advice or to be told how to handle our mail we would ask you. Since we did not ask you for advice, please for future reference don?t give it.

    Next, I understand that it is tradition or custom in your family to call both sets of parents ?Mom & Dad?. However, out of respect to my own parents, I will never think of you or refer to you as ?My Parents? or ?Mom & Dad.? You are not my parents! I married Chad and he is my husband. That does not make you my parents it merely makes you my in-laws. I would prefer to call you Mr. and Mrs. Last Name or Larry and Sue. I am not being disrespectful or ungrateful by not calling you ?Mom & Dad? or requesting you to not refer to yourselves as such to me, it is merely the fact that you are not. On top of that, how am I to view you as ?my parents? when you have repeatedly failed to treat me as a daughter /daughter-in-law or even welcome me into the family. Instead, I?m treated as an outsider and talked down to as if I?m still a child. I?m 25 years old, with more college education than you, and I have been living on my own in another state for the last 3 years. I think I know how to take care of a household. I?d appreciate again if you kept your unsolicited advice to yourself. Remember to old saying, ?If you have nothing nice to say, don?t say anything at all.? Please do not critique me unless you would like me to critique you in return.

    I do not know where you get off thinking ?I?m so worried about things, I am making a big deal out of a small thing, or am picking on you? I have not once call or written either of you personally complaining about any of the issues you say are a ?big deal? or tell you how to run your household. I?ve only merely asked Chad to inform you about how uncomfortable I am with you referring to yourself as ?Mom & Dad? when speaking or writing to me personally and how I would prefer to call you by your first names or as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name.

    In reference to your unsolicited advice on how I should manage sending cards to family members, again I did not ask for your advice. Just because your family and you have done something the same way for several generations does not entitle you to tell me to do it the same way or require that I do it that way. Chad and I have been raised in two different families that have different traditions and customs. It is up to Chad and I to decide which of those traditions and customs we would like to continue and what new traditions and customs we would like to start. Chad and I take personal responsibility for each of our own families and sending cards. Both of us have VERY busy and full day to day schedules. What you have done in your home has worked for you; however, it does not work for us. Yes, it is important to think of others on special occasions; however, card giving can get out of hand and be overdone especially when your from a very large family. We feel that sending cards on the most important occasions are best. This includes birthdays for parents, grandparents, and siblings; Mother?s Day; Father?s Day; and Christmas. If one of us has a parent or sibling birthday it is our individual responsibility to see that it is sent. I do not have the personal luxury of being a ?Stay at Home Wife or Mother? and I do not have oodles? of time to sit and write cards to people I do not personally know. I do work 2 jobs (about 20 hours a week), go to pharmacy school full time, manage cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and paying the bills because Chad is only home 2 days of the week. It is a luxury to Chad and I to be able to sit down and enjoy some down time.  However, for your personal information, Chad and I will be sending out our own family Christmas card this year and would appreciate it if you did not include Chad or I?s signature in your family Christmas card.

    Next, we both appreciate all that both of you have done for us and we have expressed that in the ?Thank You? cards that have been sent to you. Personally, I do not see where you can say that I have not thanked you. I have ALWAYS written a personal Thank You card for every gift that you have given me and have even given a thank you card and gift for when I stayed in your home two summers ago to complete my community pharmacy rotation with you. On the other hand, I do not recall ever receiving a thank you card from you for all the gifts that I have ever given you, not even a thank you card for the wedding gift we gave you in June. If you are going to critique how appreciative Chad and I are, you should first critique yourselves.

    Remember the old saying, ?Good fences, make for Great neighbors.? Walls or boundaries are essential in any marriage for it to work. Our finances, household decisions, personal health, and sexual relationship is off limits to both sets of parents unless, both of us agree to share that information.  Chad and I do not ask to see your bank statements or other financial documents. We do not call or write you to tell you how you should run your household or ask you about your sexual relationship. As the bible says and how you have so rudely said before?.?When a man leaves his father and his mother, he shall cleave unto his wife.?  For the last 24 years of Chad?s life, yes you have been privy to know every single detail of his life; however, that is no longer the case. Chad no longer lives in your home. He has moved out and started his own family. The family dynamic has changed and you need to learn to accept it and move on. It is not that we want to push you away or not include you. It is to protect our own marriage. If we have news that we want to share with you we will, otherwise, it is none of your business.  Also, how can you say we don?t include you when Chad and I both have invited you on two separate occasions to come and visit us? We have been willing to open our house to you to visit and entertain you for important family holidays. However, you have continued to decline our invitations. So please note that Chad and I have VERY busy and NON-flexible schedules now and for the next couple of years. I suggest that you take us up on invitations to visit, because all other times are an inconvenient time and we will not be entertaining guests. I love to entertain and would love to have you join us when we invite you.

    Lastly, if you want to mend the bridges with me, sending a card with inappropriate comments and unsolicited advice is NOT the way to do it. I suggest a deep, heartfelt apology would be the first place to start. I?m ashamed of your behavior for the last 2 years and I feel sorry for you.  You humiliated me at my bridal shower and continued that humiliation at our wedding. The both of you further went on to act like children over an appropriate time to visit Chad and I this summer. Not to mention I am aware of the voicemail in which you told Chad that, ?You don?t think we are going to work out.? How do you expect me to want to act like you are my best friend and call or write you, when you continue to treat me as if I?m the worst thing that has ever happened to your family? You have explicitly verbally told me to never call you again, and that you wanted nothing to ever do with me. Would you want to have a relationship with someone who treated you like that? I will have no personal relationship with you until you can show with your actions that you are truly sorry for your despicable behavior and you change your behavior. Just because Chad and I are now married, doesn?t make everything ok with you or the memories of your behavior go away. If you would like a relationship with me, then maybe you should start treating me like a daughter-in-law, instead of a ?stranger?-in-law. If you want to know how I?m doing or want to say ?Hi? then call and ask, don?t write Chad and tell him to tell me. If you want to know Chad and I?s plans then call and ask, but don?t throw a tantrum when it isn?t what you want.  Please respect Chad and I?s household, just as we respect yours. I am not mad at either of you, I just choose to ignore the petty drama that you continue to cause because it is not worth my valuable time. I?ve only chosen to respond to your letter to give you clarification and a clearer understanding. Any future communication of this type will be ignored and thrown away.

    Furthermore, we would appreciate if you kept all of your negative comments to yourself. Also, if Chad and I do not ask for your advice or ask what your opinion is, then please do not give it.  I don?t think you would appreciate it if either Chad or I were to tell you how to do things? Hopefully, this brings some understanding to you. We hope that you are able to enjoy Halloween!

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    Do not send this, ignore her and do whatever you and your H want. If you send this she will use it as proof of what an awful DIL you are. Seriously ignore her and do what you want, it will drive her CRAZY. 

  • LOL wow. it gave me a headache just reading it. You have my total sympathy.

    Perhaps remind her that you and DH are your own family and can do things the way that you think they should be done-not the way that SHE thinks. End of story.

    your poor  DH for growing up with this. buy him a drink later.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • imageMLE2010:
    imageklhuddleston1225:

    Since we have been married his mother has refused to recognize that I'm even married to her son. She has repeatedly referred to herself has my mother to other people as well as in writing. I have never personally spoken to her about this. I asked my husband to talk to her about it and how uncomfortable it made me feel. This is only the tip of the iceberg, if it isn't this in the past it has been about how Chad and I won't have a joint banking account with his father, etc. Or it's about how she doesn't approve of my role in the household as the future breed-winner. 

    This is my potential follow up response and THE FIRST TIME I have ever PERSONALLY addressed his parents about their behavior:

    Dear FIL & MIL,

    Thank you so much for thinking of Chad and I during Halloween. However, we would appreciate a card more with a simple thinking of you instead of ?Negative Nancy? comments and unsolicited advice. The both of you have been married for many years now.  You have found what works best in the both of yours relationship and what works best in running your home. Please allow Chad and I to do the same. We are our own family now and will do things the way that works best for us, even if it is different from what both of our parents have done in the past. What matters most is that Chad and I are happy with each other and in our marriage as oppose to appeasing certain family members. 

    One thing that works best for us is that Chad and I do not keep secrets from each other. Our trust for each other is a part of our relationship?s foundation.  We do read each other?s mail, because no one should be sending us mail that we would not want the other person to see. Also, if anyone has something to say to me they should be able to say it to my husband as well, and vice versa. Now that Chad and I are married, there is no need for privacy of that type. Anything that concerns me now also concerns Chad, and vice versa. That is why we requested you to address any mail to both of us (unless it is a birthday card) out of respect for our trust in each other and out of respect for our marriage. You may feel differently about this, and that is your prerogative to. Furthermore, out of necessity it is my responsibility to check the mail and read the mail during the week, in case something important comes. Chad is not available during the week to read and sort mail, so it has become my responsibility to open the mail no matter who it comes from or is addressed to.  How Chad and I deal with our household responsibilities is really not any of your business. (this is an unecessary and hurtful thing to say. if you left this sentence out, you would still get your point accross.) How the both of you handle mail is what works best for you, however, it is not what works best for us. If we wanted your advice or to be told how to handle our mail we would ask you. Since we did not ask you for advice, please for future reference don?t give it.

    Next, I understand that it is tradition or custom in your family to call both sets of parents ?Mom & Dad?. However, out of respect to my own parents, I will never think of you or refer to you as ?My Parents? or ?Mom & Dad.? (just plain rude) You are not my parents! I married Chad and he is my husband. That does not make you my parents it merely makes you my in-laws. I would prefer to call you Mr. and Mrs. Last Name or Larry and Sue. I am not being disrespectful or ungrateful by not calling you ?Mom & Dad? or requesting you to not refer to yourselves as such to me, it is merely the fact that you are not. On top of that, how am I to view you as ?my parents? when you have repeatedly failed to treat me as a daughter /daughter-in-law or even welcome me into the family. Instead, I?m treated as an outsider and talked down to as if I?m still a child. I?m 25 years old, with more college education than you (rude), and I have been living on my own in another state for the last 3 years. I think I know how to take care of a household. I?d appreciate again if you kept your unsolicited advice to yourself. Remember to old saying, ?If you have nothing nice to say, don?t say anything at all.? (you aren't following your own advice, here.) Please do not critique me unless you would like me to critique you in return.

    I do not know where you get off thinking ?I?m so worried about things, I am making a big deal out of a small thing, or am picking on you? I have not once call or written either of you personally complaining about any of the issues you say are a ?big deal? or tell you how to run your household. I?ve only merely asked Chad to inform you about how uncomfortable I am with you referring to yourself as ?Mom & Dad? when speaking or writing to me personally and how I would prefer to call you by your first names or as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name.

    In reference to your unsolicited advice on how I should manage sending cards to family members, again I did not ask for your advice. Just because your family and you have done something the same way for several generations does not entitle you to tell me to do it the same way or require that I do it that way. Chad and I have been raised in two different families that have different traditions and customs. It is up to Chad and I to decide which of those traditions and customs we would like to continue and what new traditions and customs we would like to start. Chad and I take personal responsibility for each of our own families and sending cards. Both of us have VERY busy and full day to day schedules. What you have done in your home has worked for you; however, it does not work for us. Yes, it is important to think of others on special occasions; however, card giving can get out of hand and be overdone especially when your from a very large family. We feel that sending cards on the most important occasions are best. This includes birthdays for parents, grandparents, and siblings; Mother?s Day; Father?s Day; and Christmas. If one of us has a parent or sibling birthday it is our individual responsibility to see that it is sent. I do not have the personal luxury of being a ?Stay at Home Wife or Mother? and I do not have oodles? of time to sit and write cards to people I do not personally know. I do work 2 jobs (about 20 hours a week), go to pharmacy school full time, manage cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and paying the bills (if I were your MIl and read this, I would think it's very rude.)because Chad is only home 2 days of the week. It is a luxury to Chad and I to be able to sit down and enjoy some down time.  However, for your personal information (rude, unecessary), Chad and I will be sending out our own family Christmas card this year and would appreciate it if you did not include Chad or I?s signature in your family Christmas card.

    Next, we both appreciate all that both of you have done for us and we have expressed that in the ?Thank You? cards that have been sent to you. Personally, I do not see where you can say that I have not thanked you(this letter just SCREAMS "i appreciate you, doesn't it???) . I have ALWAYS written a personal Thank You card for every gift that you have given me and have even given a thank you card and gift for when I stayed in your home two summers ago to complete my community pharmacy rotation with you. On the other hand, I do not recall ever receiving a thank you card from you for all the gifts that I have ever given you, not even a thank you card for the wedding gift we gave you in June. If you are going to critique how appreciative Chad and I are, you should first critique yourselves. (again, rude. it's not a contest, and even if it was, aren't you trying to be the better person, here?)

    Remember the old saying, ?Good fences, make for Great neighbors.? Walls or boundaries are essential in any marriage for it to work. Our finances, household decisions, personal health, and sexual relationship is off limits to both sets of parents unless, both of us agree to share that information.  Chad and I do not ask to see your bank statements or other financial documents. We do not call or write you to tell you how you should run your household or ask you about your sexual relationship. As the bible says and how you have so rudely said before?.?When a man leaves his father and his mother, he shall cleave unto his wife.?  For the last 24 years of Chad?s life, yes you have been privy to know every single detail of his life; however, that is no longer the case. Chad no longer lives in your home. He has moved out and started his own family. The family dynamic has changed and you need to learn to accept it and move on. It is not that we want to push you away or not include you. It is to protect our own marriage. If we have news that we want to share with you we will, otherwise, it is none of your business.  Also, how can you say we don?t include you when Chad and I both have invited you on two separate occasions to come and visit us? We have been willing to open our house to you to visit and entertain you for important family holidays. However, you have continued to decline our invitations. So please note that Chad and I have VERY busy and NON-flexible schedules now and for the next couple of years. I suggest that you take us up on invitations to visit, because all other times are an inconvenient time and we will not be entertaining guests. I love to entertain and would love to have you join us when we invite you. (again, this letter just screams, "come visit us!! we love you!!)

    Lastly, if you want to mend the bridges with me, sending a card with inappropriate comments and unsolicited advice is NOT the way to do it. I suggest a deep, heartfelt apology would be the first place to start. I?m ashamed of your behavior for the last 2 years and I feel sorry for you. (this is such a rude statement, I can't even... she does not diserve your respect and you do not deserve an apology) You humiliated me at my bridal shower and continued that humiliation at our wedding. The both of you further went on to act like children over an appropriate time to visit Chad and I this summer. Not to mention I am aware of the voicemail in which you told Chad that, ?You don?t think we are going to work out.? How do you expect me to want to act like you are my best friend and call or write you, when you continue to treat me as if I?m the worst thing that has ever happened to your family? You have explicitly verbally told me to never call you again, and that you wanted nothing to ever do with me. Would you want to have a relationship with someone who treated you like that? I will have no personal relationship with you until you can show with your actions that you are truly sorry for your despicable behavior and you change your behavior. Just because Chad and I are now married, doesn?t make everything ok with you or the memories of your behavior go away. If you would like a relationship with me, then maybe you should start treating me like a daughter-in-law, instead of a ?stranger?-in-law. (maybe you should be nice and treat her like a Mother in law instead of a monster in law) If you want to know how I?m doing or want to say ?Hi? then call and ask, don?t write Chad and tell him to tell me. If you want to know Chad and I?s plans then call and ask, but don?t throw a tantrum when it isn?t what you want.  Please respect Chad and I?s household, just as we respect yours.(this letter does not seem respectful at all) I am not mad at either of you, I just choose to ignore the petty drama that you continue to cause because it is not worth my valuable time.(sending a lenghty response letter is pretty much the opposite of ignoring the drama.) I?ve only chosen to respond to your letter to give you clarification and a clearer understanding. Any future communication of this type will be ignored and thrown away. (rude and unfair, imo)

    Furthermore, we would appreciate if you kept all of your negative comments to yourself. Also, if Chad and I do not ask for your advice or ask what your opinion is, then please do not give it.  I don?t think you would appreciate it if either Chad or I were to tell you how to do things? Hopefully, this brings some understanding to you. We hope that you are able to enjoy Halloween!

     

    Do not send this, ignore her and do whatever you and your H want. If you send this she will use it as proof of what an awful DIL you are. Seriously ignore her and do what you want, it will drive her CRAZY. 

    DItto what MLE said. Sending the response letter you posted will only make it worse. Some of what you said comes of as extrememly disrespectful (I have bolded what I think is harsh/mean/unnecessary). Seriously, you sound way more off-base and rude than your MIL did in hers.

  • This whole things is giving me a headache...but here are a few thoughts:

    1) Based only on the letter you posted, your MIL sounds long winded, picky, and traditional, but not malicious.

    2) YOur letter comes across as way more rude and mean spirited than hers does. I would not send it. In fact, don't send a letter at all. If you want to respond, call her up so that you can talk like adults.

    3) Frankly, I do think it would be in your best interest to lighten up a bit. So what if she signs a card "Mom and Dad." I don't feel comfortable calling my IL's mom and dad, and they sign every card "Mom and Dad [last name]" What difference does it make? And if your IL's are sending a card to both of you, what are they supposed to do? Sign it twice, two different ways? SIgn it by their first names, even though it's addressed to their own son? Lighten up on this one, call them whatever you want, and let them address cards as they see fit.

    4) If your IL's want to send a letter just to their son, they should be allowed to do so, even if said letter is not a birthday card. If you and your husband want to read each other's mail, that's fine--but you can't demand that both your names be on all mail. That's just unreasonable.  

    5) You're sending out mixed signals here. You want your IL's to treat you more like one of the family, but you want to make sure they know that they are not your real mom and dad? It sounds like you are sabotaging your own cause here. 

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I feel like I'm missing a huge chunk of the story here. It seems as if you were bothered by them calling you "Mr. and Mrs. so and so" (instead of both of you individually)and signing their names "Mom & Dad". It also seems that somehow you've voiced your opinion on that. I say this because it doesn't seem like they just came up with the stuff in this letter out of the blue, or I would have to say that they are a tad bit insane. This letter seems like a response to something you  have said. I also think that this letter is a bit drawn out and dramatic. If what I think is true about your behavior, I would have to say that both sides of this argument are making mountains out of molehills....
  • I can definitely see why your upset, but PP's do have good advice.. Don't send it (or go back and take a few of the more harsher statements out) and sleep on it. Your frustrated and you want her to have a piece of your mind right now, but that may not be the best idea, and things could get uglier. Also, tones can get confusing in letters like this. Talking in person or on the phone may make it much clearer and you can usually get the problem solved much quicker. Also, talk it over with H. Im sorry you're going through this family drama, i know it sucks, but just breathe and be mature about it. Good luck!

  • Yep, this answers the questions that I had in my head when I wrote my previous post.

    Why would you ask your husband to tell his parents that you don't want to call them "Mom and Dad"? What's the point? Just don't call them "Mom and Dad", I don't call my mother in law "Mom". However, I never asked DH to go to her and tell her that I won't call her that, I just don't call her it. That's the stuff that causes offense, which leads to dram and strife. 

    Also, what's the big deal with them addressing mail to just their son. Is it kind of rude? Yep, depending on what the letter is about. But it's not a big deal. Of course it's totally disrespectful and immature of them to write bad stuff about you to them, but it's not something to make a bigger issue out of. Your husband obviously allows it, and you obviously read them anyway.

    And the "card" issue was totally uncalled for her to bring up. She's giving you some good wisdom on how to handle that, but if you don't want to do things that way, you don't have to... 

  • imageGreco1014:

    This whole things is giving me a headache...but here are a few thoughts:

    1) Based only on the letter you posted, your MIL sounds long winded, picky, and traditional, but not malicious.

    2) YOur letter comes across as way more rude and mean spirited than hers does. I would not send it. In fact, don't send a letter at all. If you want to respond, call her up so that you can talk like adults.

    3) Frankly, I do think it would be in your best interest to lighten up a bit. So what if she signs a card "Mom and Dad." I don't feel comfortable calling my IL's mom and dad, and they sign every card "Mom and Dad [last name]" What difference does it make? And if your IL's are sending a card to both of you, what are they supposed to do? Sign it twice, two different ways? SIgn it by their first names, even though it's addressed to their own son? Lighten up on this one, call them whatever you want, and let them address cards as they see fit.

    4) If your IL's want to send a letter just to their son, they should be allowed to do so, even if said letter is not a birthday card. If you and your husband want to read each other's mail, that's fine--but you can't demand that both your names be on all mail. That's just unreasonable.  

    5) You're sending out mixed signals here. You want your IL's to treat you more like one of the family, but you want to make sure they know that they are not your real mom and dad? It sounds like you are sabotaging your own cause here. 

    Agreed.  And I hope it feels good to get your response off your chest but don't send that.  I get that it feels good to vent but it's completey unwarranted in my opinion.  It will further exacerbate an already sensitive issue and give your MIL further ammo.

    With ILs, you have to pick your battles.  I also do not call my ILs "Mom and Dad" although I know they would like it.  Furthermore, they refer to themselves as "Mom and Dad" and to me as their "daughter."  Does it make me uncomfortable?  Sure.  But to me it's not worth having a war over our preferences.  They can sign cards, emails, letters, etc as Mom and Dad, but I will call them by their first names.  We're all comfortable and happy with this arrangement, everyone wins.  In all, it's unreasonable to dictate how people sign cards/letters/emails AND how and to who it's addressed to.  Getting pissy over mail sent to your husband without your name on it?  It sounds to me like you're looking for trouble, seeking out reasons to be upset with them.

    As far as the other stuff goes - her preferences with you sending out cards.  Whatever.  She's nuts.  Don't even engage.

  • imageGreco1014:

    This whole things is giving me a headache...but here are a few thoughts:

    1) Based only on the letter you posted, your MIL sounds long winded, picky, and traditional, but not malicious.

    2) YOur letter comes across as way more rude and mean spirited than hers does. I would not send it. In fact, don't send a letter at all. If you want to respond, call her up so that you can talk like adults.

    3) Frankly, I do think it would be in your best interest to lighten up a bit. So what if she signs a card "Mom and Dad." I don't feel comfortable calling my IL's mom and dad, and they sign every card "Mom and Dad [last name]" What difference does it make? And if your IL's are sending a card to both of you, what are they supposed to do? Sign it twice, two different ways? SIgn it by their first names, even though it's addressed to their own son? Lighten up on this one, call them whatever you want, and let them address cards as they see fit.

    4) If your IL's want to send a letter just to their son, they should be allowed to do so, even if said letter is not a birthday card. If you and your husband want to read each other's mail, that's fine--but you can't demand that both your names be on all mail. That's just unreasonable.  

    5) You're sending out mixed signals here. You want your IL's to treat you more like one of the family, but you want to make sure they know that they are not your real mom and dad? It sounds like you are sabotaging your own cause here. 

    THIS. But I imagine OP's letter to MIL was probably written after she felt that the letter she received from MIL was the last straw.

    OP, while I can understand where you are coming from sort of, having an overbearing narcassist MIL myself, just let it go. It's not worth getting worked up over - pick and choose your battles because believe me, there will be bigger things to deal with in the future, bigger than whether or not you send cards to each and every person in their family or call them Mom and Dad. I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that when you are upset with someone, it's ok to write a letter to get your feelings out, but then, either burn the letter, throw it away, put it away somewhere that it will never be found, etc....that way you can at least vent out your frustrations on the person's behavior. Getting feelings out is good. But whatever you do, do not send her that letter. It's just going to add fuel to what seems to be an already burning fire. Let it go.

  • Agh! She's a piece of work, but your response letter is even worse. That's a letter you should write to vent, then burn. DO NOT SEND IT!! Be the bigger person. Ignore her. Sounds like H is telling her more than you would like. Tell him to stop it.

    You don't need to know everything she says about you either. She is entitled to her opinion and you to yours. 

  • This already is pretty bad:

    For the last 2 years, his mother has displayed very horrible behavior towards me needless to say. Out of respect for my husband, I have always kept silent and allowed him to address the issues with her. He has always taken my side and defended me. Whether or not his mother respects him and does what he asks is a different story.

    Why have you tolerated anybody's maltreatment of you, whether it is your bf's mother (was a boyfriend then) or an utter stranger, ffs????

    Stand up for yourself; don't tolerate this -- put an end to it now, even though it IS 2 years down the line.... and you should have thought twice or 3 times about continuing to date somebody whose mother treats you like dirt.

    *sigh* the horse is out of the barn -- and wow, NOPE, she has no respect for you or anybody --- she sounds like a pig to me. She's got no right to treat anybody like that.
  • Do not mail that letter. Ignore her and do what you want. You are just throwing gas on the fire with that letter. IGNORE her! IGNORE her! IGNORE her! If you don't live in the same town/area as them, it should be really easy to do this. When she over steps let your husband handle her. Do not stoop to her level.
    Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone
    "Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
  • imageTarponMonoxide:
    This already is pretty bad:

    For the last 2 years, his mother has displayed very horrible behavior towards me needless to say. Out of respect for my husband, I have always kept silent and allowed him to address the issues with her. He has always taken my side and defended me. Whether or not his mother respects him and does what he asks is a different story.

    Why have you tolerated anybody's maltreatment of you, whether it is your bf's mother (was a boyfriend then) or an utter stranger, ffs????

    Stand up for yourself; don't tolerate this -- put an end to it now, even though it IS 2 years down the line.... and you should have thought twice or 3 times about continuing to date somebody whose mother treats you like dirt.

    *sigh* the horse is out of the barn -- and wow, NOPE, she has no respect for you or anybody --- she sounds like a pig to me. She's got no right to treat anybody like that.

     

    My H and I got engaged 2 years ago, we have been together for 5 years. For the first 3 years, she did not act like this instead she just acted very distant no matter what I tried to do to bond with her. My H said it was because she only raised sons and had no sisters, so in his opinion is not very girly. 

    Thankfully we live 3 states away from her now, and I have for the last 3 years because of school (I'm in graduated school). So on a day to day basis I do not have to deal with seeing them. In all the years, that I have know my H she has never once called me and continues to do that thankfully. If I want to talk to her I have to call her, in which I've learned not to for several phone calls when she cussed me out because she did not agree with how certain wedding festivities were being handled even though she was not financing or hosting the event. I learned real quick to not talk about wedding stuff with her, unless I absolutely had to because it concerned her.

    She is very passive aggressive and manipulative. When my H and I returned from our honeymoon, she wanted us to drive 5 hours out of our way to their home first (to pick up H belongings) and then drive another 1.5 hours to my parents home in the same day. Followed by driving 8 hours to NC 2 days later. Both of our families live in FL, we reside in NC. My H politely said that it was to much driving for us in one day and would be driving straight to my parents home which was only 3 hours from where we were. He then invited them to my parents home for a nice farewell dinner and to watch us open all of our wedding gifts. Also, he asked if they could bring his belongings because it was easier for his parents to drive 1.5 hours to see us then for us to drive 6+ hours in one day to just see them. They decline and refused. His parents said the only way he would get his belongings was to come and get them. Long story short, we went to my parents house and then 2 days later went to his (we pushed back when we left for NC). Needless, to say it was like going into a lion's den. I ended up having to wait in the vehicle because his mother ran me out of the house because she began to rant & rave and call me names because I would not tell her the exact figure of how much money we received as wedding gifts....apparently "A generous amount" did not suffice for her. Later she complained to H about feeling left out of being a part of us opening gifts and tried to put a guilt trip on him. H finally had to tell her that she had the opportunity to witness us open our gifts but she decline the invite..so she needed to stop complaining.

    This is just one of many incidents with her.  :/

  • imagekeringtonp:

    Yep, this answers the questions that I had in my head when I wrote my previous post.

    Why would you ask your husband to tell his parents that you don't want to call them "Mom and Dad"? What's the point? Just don't call them "Mom and Dad", I don't call my mother in law "Mom". However, I never asked DH to go to her and tell her that I won't call her that, I just don't call her it. That's the stuff that causes offense, which leads to dram and strife. 

    Also, what's the big deal with them addressing mail to just their son. Is it kind of rude? Yep, depending on what the letter is about. But it's not a big deal. Of course it's totally disrespectful and immature of them to write bad stuff about you to them, but it's not something to make a bigger issue out of. Your husband obviously allows it, and you obviously read them anyway.

    And the "card" issue was totally uncalled for her to bring up. She's giving you some good wisdom on how to handle that, but if you don't want to do things that way, you don't have to... 

     

    In reference to the bold:

    Before H and I were married I always called them Mr. and Mrs. Last Name. After we were married I continued to do so, because that was most comfortable for me and they had not told me that I could call them by their first name. Then came a letter complaining that I did not call them Mom & Dad. From that letter, I ask H to explain to his parents why I would prefer to not call them that. Now comes another letter practically demanding that I call them that because it is disrespectful not to and disrespectful to tell them I don't want to call them that.

    I never prefaced my in laws saying, "Chad and I are married now, please don't sign Mom & Dad" If it is joint mail, I understand that they are not going to write their names twice and don't expect it. It was when they started to sign that way when only directly addressing me, that I ask H to ask his parents not to for the same reasons why I would rather call them by Mr. and Mrs. Last Name or first names. 

  • Why not call them Ma Jane and Pa John (or whatever their first names are)?

    Sheesh...this is nutty, getting all in a huff because your DIL won't refer to you ad Mom and Dad.

  • imageklhuddleston1225:

    imageTarponMonoxide:
    This already is pretty bad:

    For the last 2 years, his mother has displayed very horrible behavior towards me needless to say. Out of respect for my husband, I have always kept silent and allowed him to address the issues with her. He has always taken my side and defended me. Whether or not his mother respects him and does what he asks is a different story.

    Why have you tolerated anybody's maltreatment of you, whether it is your bf's mother (was a boyfriend then) or an utter stranger, ffs????

    Stand up for yourself; don't tolerate this -- put an end to it now, even though it IS 2 years down the line.... and you should have thought twice or 3 times about continuing to date somebody whose mother treats you like dirt.

    *sigh* the horse is out of the barn -- and wow, NOPE, she has no respect for you or anybody --- she sounds like a pig to me. She's got no right to treat anybody like that.

     

    My H and I got engaged 2 years ago, we have been together for 5 years. For the first 3 years, she did not act like this instead she just acted very distant no matter what I tried to do to bond with her. My H said it was because she only raised sons and had no sisters, so in his opinion is not very girly. 

    Thankfully we live 3 states away from her now, and I have for the last 3 years because of school (I'm in graduated school). So on a day to day basis I do not have to deal with seeing them. In all the years, that I have know my H she has never once called me and continues to do that thankfully. If I want to talk to her I have to call her, in which I've learned not to for several phone calls when she cussed me out because she did not agree with how certain wedding festivities were being handled even though she was not financing or hosting the event. I learned real quick to not talk about wedding stuff with her, unless I absolutely had to because it concerned her.

    She is very passive aggressive and manipulative. When my H and I returned from our honeymoon, she wanted us to drive 5 hours out of our way to their home first (to pick up H belongings) and then drive another 1.5 hours to my parents home in the same day. Followed by driving 8 hours to NC 2 days later. Both of our families live in FL, we reside in NC. My H politely said that it was to much driving for us in one day and would be driving straight to my parents home which was only 3 hours from where we were. He then invited them to my parents home for a nice farewell dinner and to watch us open all of our wedding gifts. Also, he asked if they could bring his belongings because it was easier for his parents to drive 1.5 hours to see us then for us to drive 6+ hours in one day to just see them. They decline and refused. His parents said the only way he would get his belongings was to come and get them. Long story short, we went to my parents house and then 2 days later went to his (we pushed back when we left for NC). Needless, to say it was like going into a lion's den. I ended up having to wait in the vehicle because his mother ran me out of the house because she began to rant & rave and call me names because I would not tell her the exact figure of how much money we received as wedding gifts....apparently "A generous amount" did not suffice for her. Later she complained to H about feeling left out of being a part of us opening gifts and tried to put a guilt trip on him. H finally had to tell her that she had the opportunity to witness us open our gifts but she decline the invite..so she needed to stop complaining.

    This is just one of many incidents with her.  :/

     

     Oh for FFS. One of many?!? LOL

    You need to see the bigger picture, I get where you are coming from. You need to start ignoring the B. Get over the wedding crap and look to the future, mama is just getting started.

     I have the MIL from h***, trust me. The best way to put her in her place? Ignore whatever she "tells" you, live your life and do whatever you want. Only call her out on her BS when she crosses a line. This letter is not it. As I said before, throw it away give it to H (tell him it's his problem) and do nothing that she wants. It will drive her up a wall. 

    You sound young and are not looking at the big picture. Again, just because she writes or says it doesn't make it so. You want to stick it to her? Then realize YOU have all the control, not her.  

  • Here I will write your response:

    Dear MIL and FIL,

    I take away from your letter that you are hurt that H forgot your "whatever big event". I see that you, MIL feel this is somehow my responsibility after saying "I do" to your wonderful son.

    Of course I would gladly take over such a chore but H insists that he wants to do it. He is SUCH a gem!!

    I find with working and my school load that I am sadly lacking in time, to keep up on the family. H is just wonderful, but also forgetful!

    You may or may not get a card, please inform the rest of the family, but we do have the dates and of course are thinking of everyone on their special day.

    Love,

    DIL

    *Tell your H that ALL friggin cards for his family will be his problem going forward. Give him his mothers instructions on how that should be handled, feel free to laugh your a** off while it never gets done. On the what you call them issue, keep addressing them however you have in the past. You don't have to call them Mom and Dad. You are in CONTROL!!! 

     

  • Do NOT send her that letter. You got to vent and get it off your chest, but you will be foolish to give her actual evidence of your rudeness. She will come off looking sane.

    If you are so happy and you do things differently then keep doing them. There is no need to rub it in her face. Tell your DH to handle it and be glad they live 3 states away. She gave detailed instructions and he has lived with her so he can either send these cards or not. Also, shut up about reading his mail, just do what you want in your own home. Telling her is just you sounding ridiculous.

    She is out of line and certainly a pain, but you will go nowhere with that letter. Also, if you decide to send it cut about 95% of it since it is way too much ammunition and information about your marriage. The more details the more she thinks there is room to argue.

    Pay her no never mind, bless her heart, she sounds crazy.  

  • Both of you are nuttery-control freaks.  Seriously.

     Is she a witch?  You betcha, but some of YOUR demands are no better.

    1) Writing to your DH to badmouth you is wrong.  But demanding that she write Mr and Mrs on letters that are directed to Mr is just as "control freakish" and, well outside the bounds of proper manners. 

    Especially when your goal is to be able to ready anythingn sent to your DH and you know that it is illegal to open his mail if it is  just addressed to him. 

    2) Not wanting to call anyone but your own parents Mom and Dad is perfectly reasonable.  But getting bent out of shape because they sign a card (especially one for the both of you) with a one-stop "Mom and Dad" is ridiculous.  You are seriously expecting them to write "Mom and Dad" and "Jim and Judy" to appease YOU?

    Especially when it is a tradition/generational thing.  Sure its not YOUR generational thing, but some feaking understanding goes a long way.  

    3) Her demanding that the cards are done in X way IS way out of lline.  But all YOU need to do is back-hole it and tell DH that cards/present purchasing is on him and be done with it. 

    This too is a generational and traditional thing that, It doesnt make her a MONSTER (because then a good portion of women over the age of 60 would fall into that title, my mother, 5 aunts - one who is a Rock DJ in a Major Metropolitian Area - own MIL and her sisters/SILs included), it makes her someone with different expectations.

    Her DEMANDING that you do it her way is what is wrong.  DOING IT, in of itself is not.

    4) And you lost most of my support and respect over the "he who drives furhter wins" fiasco.  It is not up to THEM to bring YOUR crap anywhere.  Sure, they shouldnt have expected you to add an extra 5 hours to your trip (logistical nightmare and all), but to then turn around and say that because they ONLY have a 3 hour round trip drive they are expected to put forth the effort and money for a ONE DAY VISIT? 

    Do you NOT see how hypocritical that is? 

    Sure she is a ***.  But no relationship lives in a vacuum.  If my DD called me and said "hey, you need to stop sending me personal letters or drive 3 hours out of your way to drop of MY stuff" I would start looking at you with BEC lenses. 

     

    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • There is either more to the story than what you wrote or you need to choose your battles more carefully,

    If she wants to refer to themselves as Mom and Dad. So what?  Just because they say it, it doesnt make it true.  You do not need to call them that. 

    As for addressing mail to just your DH. So what?  My MIL does that at times. And at times it is just addressed to me. Whatever.... We dont "quote -un quote" read each others mail...it is more that we SHARE. You cannot control her thoughts and feelings so tune her out!

    If the "mom and dad" thing is the issue, you have better things to fret about!

     

  • Drama like this can only exist and persist when there are two parties participating. Don't engage her and there is no drama.  It seems from reading this, that you're fueling the fire just as much as she is.  Ignore it and laugh about how silly MIL is with your DH or it'll drive you insane.  

  • imageklhuddleston1225:

    Since we have been married his mother has refused to recognize that I'm even married to her son. She has repeatedly referred to herself has my mother to other people as well as in writing. I have never personally spoken to her about this. I asked my husband to talk to her about it and how uncomfortable it made me feel. This is only the tip of the iceberg, if it isn't this in the past it has been about how Chad and I won't have a joint banking account with his father, etc. Or it's about how she doesn't approve of my role in the household as the future breed-winner. 

    This is my potential follow up response and THE FIRST TIME I have ever PERSONALLY addressed his parents about their behavior:

    Dear FIL & MIL,

    Thank you so much for thinking of Chad and I during Halloween. However, we would appreciate a card more with a simple thinking of you instead of ?Negative Nancy? comments and unsolicited advice. The both of you have been married for many years now.  You have found what works best in the both of yours relationship and what works best in running your home. Please allow Chad and I to do the same. We are our own family now and will do things the way that works best for us, even if it is different from what both of our parents have done in the past. What matters most is that Chad and I are happy with each other and in our marriage as oppose to appeasing certain family members. 

    One thing that works best for us is that Chad and I do not keep secrets from each other. Our trust for each other is a part of our relationship?s foundation.  We do read each other?s mail, because no one should be sending us mail that we would not want the other person to see. Also, if anyone has something to say to me they should be able to say it to my husband as well, and vice versa. Now that Chad and I are married, there is no need for privacy of that type. Anything that concerns me now also concerns Chad, and vice versa. That is why we requested you to address any mail to both of us (unless it is a birthday card) out of respect for our trust in each other and out of respect for our marriage. You may feel differently about this, and that is your prerogative to. Furthermore, out of necessity it is my responsibility to check the mail and read the mail during the week, in case something important comes. Chad is not available during the week to read and sort mail, so it has become my responsibility to open the mail no matter who it comes from or is addressed to.  How Chad and I deal with our household responsibilities is really not any of your business. How the both of you handle mail is what works best for you, however, it is not what works best for us. If we wanted your advice or to be told how to handle our mail we would ask you. Since we did not ask you for advice, please for future reference don?t give it.

    Next, I understand that it is tradition or custom in your family to call both sets of parents ?Mom & Dad?. However, out of respect to my own parents, I will never think of you or refer to you as ?My Parents? or ?Mom & Dad.? You are not my parents! I married Chad and he is my husband. That does not make you my parents it merely makes you my in-laws. I would prefer to call you Mr. and Mrs. Last Name or Larry and Sue. I am not being disrespectful or ungrateful by not calling you ?Mom & Dad? or requesting you to not refer to yourselves as such to me, it is merely the fact that you are not. On top of that, how am I to view you as ?my parents? when you have repeatedly failed to treat me as a daughter /daughter-in-law or even welcome me into the family. Instead, I?m treated as an outsider and talked down to as if I?m still a child. I?m 25 years old, with more college education than you, and I have been living on my own in another state for the last 3 years. I think I know how to take care of a household. I?d appreciate again if you kept your unsolicited advice to yourself. Remember to old saying, ?If you have nothing nice to say, don?t say anything at all.? Please do not critique me unless you would like me to critique you in return.

    I do not know where you get off thinking ?I?m so worried about things, I am making a big deal out of a small thing, or am picking on you? I have not once call or written either of you personally complaining about any of the issues you say are a ?big deal? or tell you how to run your household. I?ve only merely asked Chad to inform you about how uncomfortable I am with you referring to yourself as ?Mom & Dad? when speaking or writing to me personally and how I would prefer to call you by your first names or as Mr. and Mrs. Last Name.

    In reference to your unsolicited advice on how I should manage sending cards to family members, again I did not ask for your advice. Just because your family and you have done something the same way for several generations does not entitle you to tell me to do it the same way or require that I do it that way. Chad and I have been raised in two different families that have different traditions and customs. It is up to Chad and I to decide which of those traditions and customs we would like to continue and what new traditions and customs we would like to start. Chad and I take personal responsibility for each of our own families and sending cards. Both of us have VERY busy and full day to day schedules. What you have done in your home has worked for you; however, it does not work for us. Yes, it is important to think of others on special occasions; however, card giving can get out of hand and be overdone especially when your from a very large family. We feel that sending cards on the most important occasions are best. This includes birthdays for parents, grandparents, and siblings; Mother?s Day; Father?s Day; and Christmas. If one of us has a parent or sibling birthday it is our individual responsibility to see that it is sent. I do not have the personal luxury of being a ?Stay at Home Wife or Mother? and I do not have oodles? of time to sit and write cards to people I do not personally know. I do work 2 jobs (about 20 hours a week), go to pharmacy school full time, manage cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, and paying the bills because Chad is only home 2 days of the week. It is a luxury to Chad and I to be able to sit down and enjoy some down time.  However, for your personal information, Chad and I will be sending out our own family Christmas card this year and would appreciate it if you did not include Chad or I?s signature in your family Christmas card.

    Next, we both appreciate all that both of you have done for us and we have expressed that in the ?Thank You? cards that have been sent to you. Personally, I do not see where you can say that I have not thanked you. I have ALWAYS written a personal Thank You card for every gift that you have given me and have even given a thank you card and gift for when I stayed in your home two summers ago to complete my community pharmacy rotation with you. On the other hand, I do not recall ever receiving a thank you card from you for all the gifts that I have ever given you, not even a thank you card for the wedding gift we gave you in June. If you are going to critique how appreciative Chad and I are, you should first critique yourselves.

    Remember the old saying, ?Good fences, make for Great neighbors.? Walls or boundaries are essential in any marriage for it to work. Our finances, household decisions, personal health, and sexual relationship is off limits to both sets of parents unless, both of us agree to share that information.  Chad and I do not ask to see your bank statements or other financial documents. We do not call or write you to tell you how you should run your household or ask you about your sexual relationship. As the bible says and how you have so rudely said before?.?When a man leaves his father and his mother, he shall cleave unto his wife.?  For the last 24 years of Chad?s life, yes you have been privy to know every single detail of his life; however, that is no longer the case. Chad no longer lives in your home. He has moved out and started his own family. The family dynamic has changed and you need to learn to accept it and move on. It is not that we want to push you away or not include you. It is to protect our own marriage. If we have news that we want to share with you we will, otherwise, it is none of your business.  Also, how can you say we don?t include you when Chad and I both have invited you on two separate occasions to come and visit us? We have been willing to open our house to you to visit and entertain you for important family holidays. However, you have continued to decline our invitations. So please note that Chad and I have VERY busy and NON-flexible schedules now and for the next couple of years. I suggest that you take us up on invitations to visit, because all other times are an inconvenient time and we will not be entertaining guests. I love to entertain and would love to have you join us when we invite you.

    Lastly, if you want to mend the bridges with me, sending a card with inappropriate comments and unsolicited advice is NOT the way to do it. I suggest a deep, heartfelt apology would be the first place to start. I?m ashamed of your behavior for the last 2 years and I feel sorry for you.  You humiliated me at my bridal shower and continued that humiliation at our wedding. The both of you further went on to act like children over an appropriate time to visit Chad and I this summer. Not to mention I am aware of the voicemail in which you told Chad that, ?You don?t think we are going to work out.? How do you expect me to want to act like you are my best friend and call or write you, when you continue to treat me as if I?m the worst thing that has ever happened to your family? You have explicitly verbally told me to never call you again, and that you wanted nothing to ever do with me. Would you want to have a relationship with someone who treated you like that? I will have no personal relationship with you until you can show with your actions that you are truly sorry for your despicable behavior and you change your behavior. Just because Chad and I are now married, doesn?t make everything ok with you or the memories of your behavior go away. If you would like a relationship with me, then maybe you should start treating me like a daughter-in-law, instead of a ?stranger?-in-law. If you want to know how I?m doing or want to say ?Hi? then call and ask, don?t write Chad and tell him to tell me. If you want to know Chad and I?s plans then call and ask, but don?t throw a tantrum when it isn?t what you want.  Please respect Chad and I?s household, just as we respect yours. I am not mad at either of you, I just choose to ignore the petty drama that you continue to cause because it is not worth my valuable time. I?ve only chosen to respond to your letter to give you clarification and a clearer understanding. Any future communication of this type will be ignored and thrown away.

    Furthermore, we would appreciate if you kept all of your negative comments to yourself. Also, if Chad and I do not ask for your advice or ask what your opinion is, then please do not give it.  I don?t think you would appreciate it if either Chad or I were to tell you how to do things? Hopefully, this brings some understanding to you. We hope that you are able to enjoy Halloween!

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    Do NOT send the response.  You have many valid responses but also some nasty comments you will come to regret later in life which are just downright unnecessary "with more college education than you, "  as an example.  It does sound like she is trying to be nice, however misguided, and I think you should chalk it up to her being nut (really, you fall in line with how their family does things?  F off lady!)  

     Your point that you are creating your very own family is the main point and you can set the tone of your relationship by being the bigger person and ignoring the nuttyness! 

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