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New on the nest..vent already

Hi everyone- 

I usually post on the knot since I just recently got engaged, but I am having family issues. I am even seeking therapy for, not sure if that's silly or not. Anyhow I will start from what recently happened.

I live with my fianc? and his mom. We all set up a get together to celebrate our engagement and also his sister's birthday. Kill two birds with one stone type of thing. So, my parents are very strict christian ( i also am christian just not as strict i guess) and alcohol is a big thing to them. Now, I invited my parents to come over tomorrow and let them know there will be alcohol, but my fianc?'s family will not get wasted or anything like that. They ..refuse to come because they said they do not like being around alcohol. I can respect that, only problem is, my aunt drinks heavily. Seriously. When she has events (cousin's birthdays or really any other events) the attend. So I feel hurt that they would go over to her and tolerate her drinking heavily in front of her kids, yet they cannot attend my engagement party. In which, to respect them, I would not have drank. I mean...I am only getting engaged once, it's not like it is a birthday. So, I am hurt. I know it was just an excuse. 

 I will also say that they were not happy about my engagement. They arent happy because my fiance isn't christian. They made it clear that they would prefer for me to come home crying and miserable saying that they are right and that my fiance abuses me. (he does not). I am very upset about how they aren't celebrating or happy about something so important to me because they brought me up with "family closeness is severely important. " And i am going so far as to not drink at my wedding because of respect for them.

I just feel that I am always trying to please them and have too high level of loyalty to them even though they just continue to hurt me and tell me i am overreacting. Their reaction to my engagement was, "we hope he will not beat you and that you will not be suffering or having a life of pain." and "oh thats interesting" and "congrats.I don't want any involvement in the wedding until god tells me that it is from him." I responded by saying..that they are invited to the wedding, but that that's fine and i understand. In reality...I do not get it. I am hurt. Disappointed. and slightly angry. . .

 

Okay, I think I am done. Thanks.  

Re: New on the nest..vent already

  • I never "got" the whole ban on alcohol with Christians.

    Jesus turned water into wine at Cana. So what is the big ban and big taboo?

    It's really very simple when you do not drink booze: when at an establishment whee alcohol is served, do not imbibe. No reflection on the establishment or who is in it. It's easy.

    And there have been mixed marriages for ages. I don't see what's their big deal with the fact that you are in an interfaith marriage, more or less.

    You are a full grown adult. You can do as you wish. I see nothing at all wrong with having a couple of drinks at any social event and that includes weddings.

    If your parents are this restrictive, this divisive and this judgemental, perhaps you are better off not speaking to them at all. This BS and other confrontations that involves your FI/H will go on forever with them. It's best to avoid confrontation and other nonsense; it only turns into a big scene whenever they and your FI are involved.

    Please yourself, not your parents. If you're more or less feeling guilty or you're having trouble breaking away, see a counselor to get how you feel straightened out. GL.

    PS: YOur aunt needs to be cut off after 2 drinks at your wedding. If she gets drunk and rowdy and makes a scene, have the maitre'd escort her off premise; call a cab and have somebody go home with her.

    You don't have to tell your aunt you will be doing this. Keep it all on the downlow. HTH.

  •  I am curious.  Why do they keep mentioning him beating  and abusing you.  Has he ever done anything to hurt you in the past?  Are they totally off base on this or is there some substance to their comments ?

  • I have no idea.. He has never hit me or tried to. 

    I dont get it either. If anything my mother beat me up

    until I moved out. She threatened me as well. 

    So, I really dont know. No, there isnt any substance to

    their comments.

    With them i can never win. My fiances mom will be paying for

    thr whole thing as a gift and my family is upset. They said they wanted

    part in the wedding, but when i offered to them they declined and now they do.

    Thkngs like that. They are not constant. 

  • I think their refusal to go to the engagement party really has to do with their opposition to your relationship.  The alcohol is a cop-out. 

    You are likely never going to change them.  You can't make them support your upcoming marriage.  So you just need to eliminate any expectations of them.  I get that it's really hard to do, especially with family.  That said, I think it's good your in therapy.  Secondly, stop trying to "please them" and forget about your "loyalty."  You will continually set yourself up for disappointment.

    You're an adult, making your own decisions.  And when you marry you're creating a new family, you and your soon to be husband, and any subsequent children if you choose to have them.  Focus on that, on nurturing your relationship with your fiance.  You can't worry about your parents happiness, so focus on your own happiness.

    Good luck

  • um....I dont think Non-Christians have a corner on the wife beating thing. 

    It is very scarey that your "Christian" parents are acting very non-Christian like.

  • so your mom beat you all of your life and your parents were both a$$holes about your engagement. why are you even bothering to try to please them?! grow up and learn to please yourself.

    they also must realize that while they are certainly entitled to not drink in their home it's another story when they go elsewhere. if they CHOOSE to not attend your engagement party because of alcohol then be it.

    Friday, December 28 2012. The day I had emergency appendix surgery in Mexico and quit smoking. Proof that everything has a good side!! DH and I are happily child-free!! No due date or toddler tickers here!! my read shelf:
    Alison's book recommendations, favorite quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (read shelf) 
  • Are you sure the issue is the alcohol and not something else - like living together??  The reason I ask is if they're that religiously conservative as to not even want to be in the same room as alcohol, I can't image they're thrilled with the fact that you're living with your FI.  

    That being said - you're presumably a grown woman and capable of making your own choices.  At some point, you need to realize that your parents' lifestyle isn't necessarily the same one you'd choose for yourself.  If they don't want to come to this party for whatever reason they give, it really  isn't something for YOU to feel bad about.  It is their decision as grown ups not to attend.  If you're secure and happy in your relationship, he treats you right, you mutually love eachother, etc., then their opinion really doesn't matter.

  • I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this - I get that it's a vent so you're not looking for advice on what to actually do about it. I would like to offer some advice though - don't stop drinking on their account since your actions should be a reflection on your beliefs and desires rather than to please your parents.

     A pp said that it maybe your living together - that could definitely be a part of it as well. I know it's hard but minimize your interactions with them until they show a concerted effort to work on your relationship with them. It's hard, but possible.

    Good luck - but stop trying to appease them...

  • The time to change this family dynamic is now.

    You have a new and wonderful life ahead of you,

    concentrate on that, alot of parents suck. Please don't

    dwell on this for the rest of your life.

    You will never get the love and aceptance that you

    crave from them. Get use to that now.

    i am being so blunt because I have watched 2 of my

    friends go through this stuff with their parents/moms for

    over 30 years.  THEY WILL NOT CHANGE.

    good luck.

  • Thanks. it definitely is difficult to deal with, so I am getting therapy so I can learn how to minimize my interactions with them without cutting them off entirely. 
  • The thing is that they were relieved we moved in together (which was weird to me) because they said that at least they knew I wouldn't be coming home at who knows what time,and that it was stressful for everyone in the house for me to be living with them. So, I don't understand why the alcohol was the thing that did it for them. 

    See, I was not going  to drink at my wedding (though I'd love to have a glass of wine or champagne) but chose not to for them..because I thought it was disrespectful..so I have mixed opinions and feelings on that.  

  • They had visited us before and even mentioned that they were proud of us for actually being responsible and whatnot. So, I don't know. They confuse me, hurt me, and whatnot yet I still feel the strong desire to do what they ask/want of me. Thankfully I am seeking therapy to learn how to deal with it all. Because I am honestly tired and do not want this to continue for the rest of my life..
  • image colorindark:

    See, I was not going  to drink at my wedding (though I'd love to have a glass of wine or champagne) but chose not to for them..because I thought it was disrespectful..so I have mixed opinions and feelings on that.  

     

    This makes no sense.  How is it disrespectful of you to act in accordance with your own beliefs at your own wedding, rather than theirs?  Respect doesn't mean they get to own you.

    image
  • Because I figured that they will get upset and have something to say about it later on. So I thought that instead of causing more conflict and them to get upset might as well not have a drink. That's the only explanation I got..
  • image colorindark:
    Because I figured that they will get upset and have something to say about it later on. So I thought that instead of causing more conflict and them to get upset might as well not have a drink. That's the only explanation I got..

    You must grow a backbone and do what is good for you.

    Like I said in previous post they will not change, you have to

    change your reaction to them, and stop trying to please them.

    If you are mature enough  to get married, you should have the

    wedding you want. Drink and have the time of your life. If they

    don't approve that is on them.

  • I went through this with my grandparents because I am in an interracial relationship and an interfaith relationship. We are now married but if I hadn't stood up for my relationship, I don't know that my now husband would have stuck around....not because he doesn't love me, but because he doesn't deserve to be treated like that, especially by my family. You are doing your fiance a HUGE disservice by allowing your parents to speak about him like that.  You are choosing to start a new family and in that you have to put him first.  1. You need to demand respect for your FI and yourself.  If you don't want to cut your parents off, demand that those comments are no longer made. 2. between now and the time you die the only person who is with you 100% of the time is yourself.  You have to look at yourself in the mirror everyday, not them.  So figure out what you believe and want and then stick to it.  The only way I found peace was by cutting out my grandparents (they were not invited to our wedding that took place 3 weeks ago).  I also tried going to counseling with them to hash out their issues.  It didn't work for us, but maybe it could for you.
  • Thank you. Hopefully counseling works, and distancing myself from them without entirely cutting them off. I always stand up for my FI, but when I do my mother usually tells me that I am blinded my love and would never be able to know or see when he does something wrong (though I know that to not be true). Then she tells me that I am too attached to him, and that if I know what I am doing or what I am not doing. It sucks. 

     In a way they(family) has come around,and I did blow up on my mom. She apologized to me for "traumatizing" me and hurting me the way she has. I just do still feel that counseling will benefit me. We have issues from both our families. His family is basically racist. Thank God we are getting married and getting our own family.

     

    I appreciate ALL of you sharing your personal experiences and the advice. I agree. It just is difficult..after so many years of being that way then all of a sudden getting used to doing what is best for ME and what makes ME happy..hell it makes me feel terribly selfish.  

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