Relationships
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Can you get over it?(pretty long!)

I have been with my bf for almost three years, we grew up together, and are expecting our first childSmile Well with this being our first child and us being a little young (21 and 19) everyone has their opinions. My problem is when people I dont know over step boundaries. I am a very vocal person and I'm not really interested in making new friends or being friendly with everyone. I have my friends and I;m good with that. My bf on the other hand is the nice guy that is friends with everyone, he has never had a problem with anyone! It is almost a bad thing when it comes to some people because he just has to be friends with everyone. We had an issue with this before after being together for only about two months, we got over that quick and I barely think about it anymore. Well he tends to not let me know if someone says something that I wont like because I will say something to that person if given the chance, I dont think its okay to just let things ago they need to be addressed, and I most likely wont like them or go out of my way to know them.

So now to the actual problem..

A woman from his work, who is about 8 years older, was one of the first to find out about the baby. She said something that was not her place to say. I got upset and let him know, he stood up for us and our baby but then just let it go and was all normal with her. Well a while later I was looking for an email that was in a text from someone else and I came across a text from this woman. The basic content of the texts were "Now I fell like we can never be more than friends; I feel like you are off limits now; I wish she never got pregnant" I was furious! That is way out of line and not okay to say. When I brought it up to him basically seeing if he would tell me or not he did not tell me and said "There is nothing else bad" I finally told him I knew he he said sorry he just didnt want to cause stress and problems. I feel so hurt because he can continue to be friends with someone that doesnt respect our relationship/family. The responses he had to her texts werent bad he let her know that we are in love and happy and excited for our baby so I'm not worried about cheating. I'm just always wondering if things are being said that I dont know about. Or if he isnt telling me certain things. I will admit that I am a b**ch sometimes and have a temper/attitude, so I would have had alot to say about those messages!

I know I will never forget, but Im trying to work on how to trust he is telling me everything. I promised to work on my reactions and he promised to tell me everything. But I cant get over the feeling of not being told everything....

 Sorry that was so long!!

<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Baby Names"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1584c9.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>

[IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/2zjki8o.jpg[/IMG]

<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbff.lilypie.com/crnfm8.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers" /></a>

<a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=natural&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"><img src="http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_domesticgoddess.gif"></a>

[url="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=breastfeeder&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"][img]http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_ebf.gif [/img][/url]

Re: Can you get over it?(pretty long!)

  • I think you need to chill out in all areas of your life.  People are going to say things about you all the live-long day - it's what people do.  You can't get up in arms about it every. single. time. it happens to the point of wanting to blow down the door and chew their asses off.  It's not worth the stress or the time.  If you are comfortable and confident in yourself, then you know what they are saying is wrong so just let it roll off your back.  Honestly, I used to be the same way and just stopped - I have no room for drama in my life anymore.  I'll fight a big fight, but not every wronged word ever uttered is worth it.

    Your boyfriend's coworker definitely did cross a line.  It does sound like he responded appropriately to her.  I do think my first inclination would be to wonder if anything else is going on.  However, look at your life.  Do you have any other reason to believe he's cheating?  If the answer is no and he's not acting shady, then trust him.  You're with him because you trust him.  If you don't trust him, then you shouldn't be with him.

  • image Joy2611:

    I think you need to chill out in all areas of your life.  People are going to say things about you all the live-long day - it's what people do.  You can't get up in arms about it every. single. time. it happens to the point of wanting to blow down the door and chew their asses off.  It's not worth the stress or the time.  If you are comfortable and confident in yourself, then you know what they are saying is wrong so just let it roll off your back.  Honestly, I used to be the same way and just stopped - I have no room for drama in my life anymore.  I'll fight a big fight, but not every wronged word ever uttered is worth it.

    This.  100x's over.  People are going to have their opinions - you have to get used to it.  And you going off on every single person who ever says something that you don't like really isn't ANY better than them saying something that you dont' feel is their place.  It's not really YOUR place to dictate what they must think about you.

    And what exactly do you mean by he has to tell you "everything".  Everything about that woman?  EVerything about every friend he has?  Or what? 

    I'll say this too- for her to make those comments.... they aren't based in nothing.  Whatever did/didn't happen - she had some reason to believe that there was "something more" w/ your boyfriend and her.  Maybe your BF didn't really mean for her to get that impression, but at the same time - if your BF "has to be friends" with eveyrone, I'd bet you that he REALLY enjoys the attention of women.  He likes feeling wanted by other people.  He may not intend to ever act on it, but to even invite this into his life on ANY level is playing with fire- as I would like to think he's now realized.  Even if he was totally on the up and up w/ her - SHE felt there was more there and probably would have acted on it at some point.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • You know, if what you want is for people to be honest with you about what's going on and how they've handled it, I think the first step is to think about whether you're encouraging people to be honest with you or punishing them for it.Sometimes it really takes stepping outside for a minute and thinking, "would I want to approach me about this?"

    One thing to keep in mind is that, even if people agree with your point or agree you have a right to be mad, not everyone has the time/ emotional energy/ interest to deal with a tirade over it.  I say this because I had a roommate once who sounded a lot like you do in your post, and almost all the things she used to get mad about were things I agreed she had a right to be mad about. But, I got exhausted from listening to an evening of her emotional outburst over how wrong they were and how bad they should feel and how she didn't care about anyone's feelings but hers because she was right and they were wrong.  Bluntly put-she used her anger as a license to yell and whine and rant as much as she wanted to until she felt she'd expressed herself, with no regard to how her reaction was impacting others.  That was hard to be around. 

    Some tricks that might help: if you need to let off steam, try opening with, "I really need to vent for a minute, okay?" And then give yourself a time limit- say, I'll talk about this for ten minutes, and then I need to let this go, or go for a walk or write in my journal if I still have stuff to get out.  Or, "I need to take a couple minutes to calm down before talking through this- meet you back here in ten minutes?" 

  • He needs to say bye bye to this "friend." What business is it of hers that you are pregnant?

    And something is flukey between him and her if she is even edging into that territory.

    Keep an eye on this entire situation. Sounds to me like this is no "frienship" at all -- the comment she made is already bordering on a very inappropriate relationship.
  • image samsterrr:
    It is almost a bad thing when it comes to some people because he just has to be friends with everyone. We had an issue with this before after being together for only about two months, we got over that quick and I barely think about it anymore.

    Do share the details, please!

    You sound pretty annoying.  Your boyfriend doesn't have to tell you every single thing that everyone says to him all the time.  If you try to turn every human interaction into a fight to prove how tough you are, I wouldn't want to share anything with you, either.

    I think the real issue here is that you don't trust your boyfriend.

  • image renegade gaucho:

    image samsterrr:
    It is almost a bad thing when it comes to some people because he just has to be friends with everyone. We had an issue with this before after being together for only about two months, we got over that quick and I barely think about it anymore.

    Do share the details, please!

    You sound pretty annoying.  Your boyfriend doesn't have to tell you every single thing that everyone says to him all the time.  If you try to turn every human interaction into a fight to prove how tough you are, I wouldn't want to share anything with you, either.

    I think the real issue here is that you don't trust your boyfriend.



    And if you don't trust the guy, why the heck are you even still with him at all???

    I guess some ladies love living under a sword of Damocles while they walk on eggs.
  • I'm from the camp that says he needs to cool it with this coworker of his:

    . He just told one of his coworkers(one of the flirty ladies) who is about ten years older than him that he will be a dad. She replied with i hope you are happy. Then sent a message saying "i feel sorry for you". Im not generally an outright nice person, if i dont know you im not going out of my way to be nice. Not rude, just not smiles and hugs. So she is convinced im a b*tch and dont like her. When he asked why, she said "well now you're together forever and will have a kid". Ummm, Im sorry but we don't need you to be sorry for us! We are happy together and can't wait for this baby. This kinda pissed me off! And of course my bf was like "oh well i just wont reply" I would like to know what means and why she feels she had the right to say anything like that.

    And as I said, this little "relationship" at work is starting to get choppy and dicey.

    He needs to end whatever communication he has with her and only limit it to work-related conversation.

    Your other problem:

    Him.

    Apparently he likes all the attention ahd the contretemps that this little at-work "friendship" is resulting in.  Comments like these??? if he was serious about this being annoying, he'd tell her that if she makes a comment like this again he will report it to his boss and hers.  Remember: bosses and companies are funny about these "weird" relationships; ever heard of sexual harassment?

  • Thanks for all the advice! I didnt mean to come off as I want to know EVERYTHING everyone says to him. But things that involve me and our relationship I think I have a right to know. And I did realize that I may need to calm down when people say things like this, thats why after I promised him I would work on the way I react. I do have a hard time trusting him now, but its not a question of him cheating its just a question of keeping things from me. He has stopped communicating with her unless it was about work. Again, thanksSmile
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Baby Names"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1584c9.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>

    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/2zjki8o.jpg[/IMG]

    <a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lbff.lilypie.com/crnfm8.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers" /></a>

    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=natural&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"><img src="http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_domesticgoddess.gif"></a>

    [url="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=breastfeeder&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"][img]http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_ebf.gif [/img][/url]
  • image TarponMonoxide:

    I'm from the camp that says he needs to cool it with this coworker of his:

    . He just told one of his coworkers(one of the flirty ladies) who is about ten years older than him that he will be a dad. She replied with i hope you are happy. Then sent a message saying "i feel sorry for you". Im not generally an outright nice person, if i dont know you im not going out of my way to be nice. Not rude, just not smiles and hugs. So she is convinced im a b*tch and dont like her. When he asked why, she said "well now you're together forever and will have a kid". Ummm, Im sorry but we don't need you to be sorry for us! We are happy together and can't wait for this baby. This kinda pissed me off! And of course my bf was like "oh well i just wont reply" I would like to know what means and why she feels she had the right to say anything like that.

    And as I said, this little "relationship" at work is starting to get choppy and dicey.

    He needs to end whatever communication he has with her and only limit it to work-related conversation.

    Your other problem:

    Him.

    Apparently he likes all the attention ahd the contretemps that this little at-work "friendship" is resulting in.  Comments like these??? if he was serious about this being annoying, he'd tell her that if she makes a comment like this again he will report it to his boss and hers.  Remember: bosses and companies are funny about these "weird" relationships; ever heard of sexual harassment?

    This. All of this. Now, he's the father of your child, but you need to seriously consider at what level you actually want him in your life. It doesn't sound like this will be the last time you deal with something like this...

    www.meetmyhusband.blogspot.com
  • I'll say this too- for her to make those comments.... they aren't based in nothing. Whatever did/didn't happen - she had some reason to believe that there was "something more" w/ your boyfriend and her. Maybe your BF didn't really mean for her to get that impression, but at the same time - if your BF "has to be friends" with eveyrone, I'd bet you that he REALLY enjoys the attention of women. He likes feeling wanted by other people. He may not intend to ever act on it, but to even invite this into his life on ANY level is playing with fire- as I would like to think he's now realized. Even if he was totally on the up and up w/ her - SHE felt there was more there and probably would have acted on it at some point.

    I agree with this statement 100% Ive dealt with this before. You sound like a very paranoid person and I guarentee that while you may "forgive" your husband for this you will never 'forget" it. It will play in your mind every time you feel insecure and it will eat you alive.

  • You two just sound way too young for all of this, for a baby, a serious relationship, and for navigating boundaries with the opposite sex.
    image
  • image ReturnOfKuus:
    You two just sound way too young for all of this, for a baby, a serious relationship, and for navigating boundaries with the opposite sex.

    Agreed.  But this is what OP has now and there's no going back.  OP - first, I agree with what some of the others said - people have opinions and more often than not, they don't have the sense to keep it to themselves.  Frankly, if I were you, I would rather not hear the negative crap so I don't think your BF/FI was completely out of line in not sharing with you.  If you trust him to stand up for you and your relationship/family, then that's good enough.  You don't have to prove anything to anyone, especially not his co-workers.  It's futile.

    All bullsh!t with this other woman aside, you and your guy are going to be parents.  If you aren't going to cool it with your not-so-great attitude for yourself, or for the sake of your relationship, do it for the little one.  You want your baby to grow up with good parents, good role-models.  Would you want your little boy/girl to react to every negative thing he or she experiences with anger, hatred, resentment, yelling, cursing, etc?  I don't think so!  So start working on it yourself.

    Lastly, I recommend some counseling for you and your guy so you can learn more about healthy relationships, communication skills, parenting skills, etc.  Good luck OP.  Really, I wish you all the best.

     

  • I dont think its okay to just let things ago they need to be addressed, and I most likely wont like them or go out of my way to know them.

    I think this is why your BF doesnt tell you things...you need to be able to let go of stuff other people say....Newsflash 1. the world doesnt revolve around you and 2. people are going to talk. Your BF has a better attitude to then you that regards..and THANK GOD he doesnt tell you everytime someone says something otherwise you would hate the whole world and isolate not only yourself but him and your child.

     Having said that...whatever is up with that woman, sounds like he drew a line and its over and she knows it, so yes GET OVER IT. In 5 years or so (hopefully) you will realize how you are being a bit dramatic and immature. Let go of the drama and let go of the needing to know everything and start to TRUST your BF....if theres no trust theres no relationship.

  • image TarponMonoxide:
    He needs to say bye bye to this "friend." What business is it of hers that you are pregnant?

    And something is flukey between him and her if she is even edging into that territory.

    Keep an eye on this entire situation. Sounds to me like this is no "frienship" at all -- the comment she made is already bordering on a very inappropriate relationship.

     

    This is exactly what I was thinking. Where would she get the whole "we can never be more than just friends now"? What the hell does that mean? That they were more than just friends? It seems off. I would have a sh!t. It's no bueno... Good luck with that.

    <p>[IMG]http://i48.tinypic.com/ega6ic.jpg[/IMG]
    <p>
    <p>
    BFP#1: 08/30/12 EDD 04/30/12 m/c 09/04/12 6wks
    <p>BFP#2: 01/27/13 EDD 10/06/13 no baby/just sac on u/s 02/25/13 chemical abortion 03/02/13 9wks
  • Thanks for the dumbest post ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i will never get my 2 minutes back from reading it!  Grow up little girl! Pick your battles!  You keep acting like this, your going to drive a wedge between him and you...  He will never marry you..He will cheat on you the first time someone actually nice comes along!!!  Have you ever seen the show Jon and Kate plus 8...YOU are KATE!
  • You seem a little immature to me, basically the problem here is that your baby daddy got a text from a woman he works with saying that they can never be together.. but he didn't text anything wrong back. Why do you have a problem then? You do know you can't control what other people do right? She sent the text to get something off her chest that she wanted to get off and he didn't respond badly... let it go. And seriously you're young, you have time to work on you're attitude and temper and I think that's something that could benefit you. I mean admitting that you're a b**ch and that you don't get along well with others is shinning a bad light on you. I get that you don't want you boyfriend communicating with this woman but he works with her, he has to do what he has to do to make a living. It doesn't seem from what you've said that he's doing anything wrong so I would simply get over it, you're having his baby either way. 
    Buying A Home
  • I'm going to have to disagree with all these very nice, mature, laid back, I-don't-care-what-people-say ladies.

    IMHO, trying to set boundaries with this 'woman' through your husband is the wrong approach. Your husband is not the problem here, she is. (He seems to be giving appropriate, yet ineffective replies.) You are the one who has issues with her, so you should be the one to confront her about it.

    Yes, of course you must choose your battles. But for some to say it is not worth getting upset about when a co-worker is making these inappropriate comments to your husband?  I do think it is worth it. She needs to be told in no uncertain terms 1.) They will NEVER be more than friends.  2.) He IS off limits.  3.) You DID get pregnant.  

    You also might want to suggest she read up on her company's sexual harassment policies.

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards