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Can't stop fighting

Help-I've been married for about a year but have been with my husband for almost seven. We have had communications throughout our whole relationship - he's theobly person I argue with and has ego issues with always being right. The fights lately are never about any serious issues just small stuff such as a cell phone bill being incorrect - I feel I am always on the defensive in all of our fights. The fights have escalated to be pretty serious and are starting to scare me whether or not I can continue this especially with the idea of bringing children into the world in a few years. I have contacted a marriage counselor but don't know what to do in the meantime as its become uncivil. 

Re: Can't stop fighting

  • You and he have had communication problems from the start?

    I know and I know and I know that the horse is long out of the barn but when you found out in the dating stages that you and he could not communicate, you should have said goodbye and found a guy who knew how to communicate with you.

    Communication is key. Key in everything from the minor to the major.:(

    If you and he are still interested in working together on this and fixing what is wrong with your communication, I suggest you and he see a marriage counselor stat.

    I don't know what the fights are over but the issues the fights are based on probably play a role in the problem, too.

    You and he need to learn how to confront an issue like 2 adults and how to settle the issue without a lot of funk and nastiness and screaming.

    You and he need to talk immediately --- no interruptions, no outside intruders: tomorrow is Sunday. Do it tomorrow.

    Wishing you luck on this. Hope you can fix this.
  • What does uncivil mean?
  • Are things getting physical? I would take some time apart right now. Have him go to his parents or you to yours.

    BFP#1: 08/30/12 EDD 04/30/12 m/c 09/04/12 6wks
    BFP#2: 01/27/13 EDD 10/06/13 no baby/just sac on u/s 02/25/13 chemical abortion 03/02/13 9wks
  • image bewilderingstar:
    Are things getting physical? I would take some time apart right now. Have him go to his parents or you to yours.

    This...uncomfortable ok, but you sound like you are worried about it becoming 'uncivil' which to me sounds like violence. Has either of you ever hit the other. thown stuff at the other, made threats? if so GET OUT, literally...move out, go to your parents or a womans shelter or anywhere until you can figure out how to move forward, either through counselling or seperating. Once things get physical its much more then a simple marraige spat...its serious and you need to protect yourself.

  • Thank you for the advice - things are not physical - with uncivil I meant it's difficult to carry on a conversation about our issues without yelling or it getting nasty. We aren't able to separate physically as our parents are in a different city - we've stayed in separate rooms the past 24 hours just to keep the peace. I don't like to think about divorce as an option, but really feel like we've hit rock bottom. I have researched marriage counselors and will be making a phone call tomorrow. 
  • Good luck. I'm sorry you're going through that.

    Counseling sounds like the right move to me. Did something happen that triggered this sudden change (money trouble, trouble at work, emotional trauma)? You were together for six years before marriage; think about why it might be so different all of a sudden. Is marriage really different than either of you thought it would be? If nothing else, thinking about these things should help you progress through counseling.
  • Just remember this...It takes 2 to fight!!!  You can not control him...but you can control you!  therefore, when he starts in...just say Honey, i see that your upset about this, when your calm and ready to talk about this in a civil and calm tone...we will set some time aside.  Until then, I am going to go for a run, walk, etc...

  • Marriage counseling? It sounds like you both need to learn how to communicate effectively with each other. I'm not sure if you or he will be able to change to do that at this point, but it's up to you to decide if it's possible.
  • MC is a good start. In the meantime, you two need to develop some basic fighting skills. Between now and the time you meet with the counselor, implement these rules

    A) no yelling. Speak to each other with respect

    B) do not use the words "always" or "never"

    C) do not use the phrase "I only did that because you did X"

    D)  Learn that you don't always have to agree/change the other person's mind.

    E) If you cannot apply the rules above, go to seperate rooms until you can reapproach from a calmer perspective

    F) If it becomes physical, go to a friend's house.

    Best of luck!

    Break cycle BFP on 11/6/12 after 17 cycles and a failed IUI - TTC/BFP details in bio
    Nestie Bestie with the lovely RockABye
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