Relationships
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Is there a nice way to turn down meeting friend's boyfriend?

One of my childhood best friends and I have taken extremely different paths in life, but when she moved back from another state about a month ago-I couldn't be more excited to reconnect. We both moved back to our hometown and she is one of the few friends I have within a 10 minute drive, so I couldn't wait to get back to our weekly coffee/movie/dinners/manicures etc.

The catch was, her boyfriend of four years (we are both in our late 20s) was in prison for committing two crimes, neither of them violent but one of them dishonest and the other including things that are drug related. I've never even known anyone in prison before- - but I managed to stay out of it and just let her dating life be her business.

 Until she bailed him out...and now she wants us to double-date with me and my husband. My inclination is I need a polite way to say I don't feel comfortable socializing with him-I was really caught off guard when she brought it up last night-  because she did not seem to sense that there was a remote chance I wouldn't want to meet him...but I don't. I just don't feel comfortable sharing my life with someone who has so recently commit serious crimes.

 Am I being too judgmental? Is there a nice way to say that I don't want to socialize with a criminal? I never in my life thought I would be asked this but believe it or not I've gotten some really mixed feedback from my friends/family!

Me-27- DH- 38 -Moved to New York* TTC since August 2011, unexplained IF & PCOS HSG - both tubes clear Saline Ultrasound- clear SA- Normal January 2013- Started metformin 1500mg attempting micro IVF 2/8/2013 2/8/2013 Cycle- ganirelix, menopur, gonal F 3/3/2013- ER- 7 Eggs 3/4/2013- All 7 fertilize 3/8- ET

Re: Is there a nice way to turn down meeting friend's boyfriend?

  • Hmmm...that is tricky. I have to say go with what you feel is right..which in my opinion is not meeting him. But prepare to face consequences. For example..her all the sudden not wanting to hang/talk to you. You can be as gentle as you want..but chances are if she has stuck it out for 4 years then she is close with him. And will easily choose him over you. She is getting herself wrapped up in a bad situation and it isn't fair for her to put you in that. 


  • Just depends on the crimes and how you judge them to be severe or not. Clearly you do. You have to do what you want to do with the situation, sucks that you may lose a friend, but you have to do what is right for you...always.
  • Funny I was in a very similar situation....my friend wanted to bring her ex-con boyfriend as her +1 to my wedding! lol. And he went to jail for pickpocketing. So the first thought in my head was "all of my relatives' purses just ripe for the picking at a wedding....hell no". But now I haven't talked much to my friend since, even though I simply told her that I'm pressed for space so I'm trying to keep the +1s to a minimum.

     I'd say, if you can possibly give him a chance, it's worth a try. Your situation is different as your whole family isn't going to see the guy, but if you respect your friend, maybe it's worth just one date to meet him. She'll be happy you gave him a chance, and then you can find some other excuses in the future for not double dating. Say you really prefer when it's "just the girls" or what have you. It's one way to preserve your friendship.

     

    [IMG]http://i1118.photobucket.com/albums/k613/nycartist/16755_197219638704_518460_n.jpg[/IMG]
  • Go once and ask him all kinds of prison and recidivism rates questions.  You won't have to worry about getting together again.

    Seriously, though, whether or not you decide to meet him, it's the responsibility of friendship to let a friend know when she has lost her damn mind and started picking up ex-cons.

    image
  • How long ago did he commit the crime? Also, has your friend mentioned anything else bad about him like how he treats her? To answer your question, IMO, you are being a little judgemental. If he doesn't treat her horribly, it won't kill you to meet him for one date if it means a lot to your friend. This doesn't mean you have to be great friends or always go out. I agree with the other poster about mentioning you like it to be "just the girls"....after you do meet him or something to that nature.

    Try being a little more open minded, maybe you'll see he's not as horrible as you think.

  • You don't get bailed out of prison, was he actually in jail?

    How much time did he do?  What were his crimes?  Was he sentenced or plea bargain? 

  • image luvjme:

    How long ago did he commit the crime? Also, has your friend mentioned anything else bad about him like how he treats her? To answer your question, IMO, you are being a little judgemental. If he doesn't treat her horribly, it won't kill you to meet him for one date if it means a lot to your friend. This doesn't mean you have to be great friends or always go out. I agree with the other poster about mentioning you like it to be "just the girls"....after you do meet him or something to that nature.

    Try being a little more open minded, maybe you'll see he's not as horrible as you think.

    I agree with this...meet the guy once...if its awful or you hate him, you don't have to hang out with hiim after that...but if you were my friend and regardless of why...refused to meet my BF of 4 years, I would be hurt. So do your friend a favor and meet the guy. No one is saying you have to do drugs with him or nothing..just go out for dinner once...then decide if he is someone you can be around or not for your friends sake.

  • Nobody is asking you to share your life with an ex-con. This is just a friend's boyfriend. And you don't even know what he was in for. A bit of white collar idiocy based small crime = okay go to dinner. Rape, assault, burglary = politely decline, then smack your friend up side the head for dating the guy at all.
    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • For me it would depend on the crimes. Honestly, it would. If he was smoking weed and got caught shoplifting, that's not a big deal. Smoking meth and stealing credit cards, that's a different story.
    [url="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=breastfeeder&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"][img]http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_ebf.gif [/img][/url]
  • It really depends on the person! And you wont know till you meet him. One dinner will not hurt. If you arent comfortable then dont go again. My dad was in prison three times, he had a drug addiction and did commit burglaries. But he has never hurt anyone and is an amazing person away from drugs. So Just because he has been to jail doesnt mean he is terrible. Although he could be, I would go once and see.
    [IMG]http://i47.tinypic.com/2zjki8o.jpg[/IMG]





    [url="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=breastfeeder&utm_medium=ubb&utm_campaign=badges"][img]http://images.thenestbaby.com/badges/tb_sig_ebf.gif [/img][/url]
  • hey guys- thanks for the advice- to answer one of the questions- one of the crimes was burglary in 2010 and that is the one I'm having a hard time getting past. The other part that bothers me is that his parents don't support him being out of jail and specifically asked my friend not to do it...and I feel like if they haven't let him into their lives yet- maybe there is more to the story that I don't know.

    I've decided to tell her that I'm not ready to meet him yet, to try to buy some time on the issue until I can fully work out my feelings. I do agree that going on ONE double date won't kill me and maybe I am being a bit judgmental- but I right now I have a ton of business trips to keep me distracted/serve as a good excuse to buy a little more time.

    Thanks as always :) I love getting advice from this group!!!

    Me-27- DH- 38 -Moved to New York* TTC since August 2011, unexplained IF & PCOS HSG - both tubes clear Saline Ultrasound- clear SA- Normal January 2013- Started metformin 1500mg attempting micro IVF 2/8/2013 2/8/2013 Cycle- ganirelix, menopur, gonal F 3/3/2013- ER- 7 Eggs 3/4/2013- All 7 fertilize 3/8- ET
  • image luvjme:

    How long ago did he commit the crime? Also, has your friend mentioned anything else bad about him like how he treats her? To answer your question, IMO, you are being a little judgemental. If he doesn't treat her horribly, it won't kill you to meet him for one date if it means a lot to your friend. This doesn't mean you have to be great friends or always go out. I agree with the other poster about mentioning you like it to be "just the girls"....after you do meet him or something to that nature.

    Try being a little more open minded, maybe you'll see he's not as horrible as you think.

    +1 

    Daisypath Anniversary tickers Follow Me on Pinterest
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards