It's probably been about a year since I first told DH I was unhappy. Since then, it's been a roller coaster. We've done counseling (although I'll be the first to admit we didn't REALLY try - we probably went about 6-7 times). We did a weekend retreat thing but after the weekend we never committed to doing the follow up sessions. I'm still in individual counseling for myself.
Some days, like today, I feel checked out and done. I picture myself living alone with DD, I go through bills in my head trying to analyze if I could afford to live alone, I even picture what my new apartment would look like. Other days, I feel like I need to give it a try. I'm so sick of going back and fourth. Everyone says when you're done you're done, and you know 100%...I have never been to 100% - but at the same time I feel like I'm just going through life waiting for that to happen.
We've been together for 9 years, married 5. We don't have a lot of common interests (we really never have, but it just didn't bother us when we first met). I don't feel attraced towards DH. When we lay in bed at night and he tries to snuggle, I get that "Get off me" type feeling. When we do have sex (probably 2-3x a month) I'm not even really into it, I more or less give in because I realize it's been a while. When we do have sex, we don't even kiss, but it's almost like I don't even want to - I'm kind of OK with it. The only times we kiss on a daily basis is good morning and goodnight. That's literally it. And I can't remember the last time we more than pecked each other.
I think what's hard too is overall he's a good guy. He's a great father, not abusive, we really don't argue. It's almost like we're roommates though. We're great parents together, we share chores and bills, but I feel like we just don't have a deeper connection. We're roommates, and friends.
Although I would NEVER cheat, I find myself looking at other guys daydreaming about what life with someone else would be like...to have passion in a relationship. To be with someone that I'm truly attracted to and can't wait to jump on once in a while. I can't tell you the last time I looked at DH that way. I try not to look at other men that way, I try to divert myself when I think that way because I feel horribly guilty - I tell myself if DH and I did split I'd have to picture myself alone, because that would be my reality for a while. I wouldn't feel right being that person who just starts dating right away.
I don't know what advice you can offer me, but I almost feel stuck. Some days, I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for 100% to come, to where I know I'm done. Like I said, other days, I feel like I want to try to make it work more (although even then it's probably just mediocre, not over the moon great). For what it's worth I know a marriage isn't going to be rainbows and butterflies all the time, but my feelings have been a constant back and fourth and I don't know how much longer I can do it.