Trouble in Paradise
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Confused...what to do?

It's probably been about a year since I first told DH I was unhappy. Since then, it's been a roller coaster.  We've done counseling (although I'll be the first to admit we didn't REALLY try - we probably went about 6-7 times).  We did a weekend retreat thing but after the weekend we never committed to doing the follow up sessions.  I'm still in individual counseling for myself.

Some days, like today, I feel checked out and done.  I picture myself living alone with DD, I go through bills in my head trying to analyze if I could afford to live alone, I even picture what my new apartment would look like.  Other days, I feel like I need to give it a try.  I'm so sick of going back and fourth.  Everyone says when you're done you're done, and you know 100%...I have never been to 100% - but at the same time I feel like I'm just going through life waiting for that to happen.

We've been together for 9 years, married 5.  We don't have a lot of common interests (we really never have, but it just didn't bother us when we first met).  I don't feel attraced towards DH.  When we lay in bed at night and he tries to snuggle, I get that "Get off me" type feeling.  When we do have sex (probably 2-3x a month) I'm not even really into it, I more or less give in because I realize it's been a while.  When we do have sex, we don't even kiss, but it's almost like I don't even want to - I'm kind of OK with it.  The only times we kiss on a daily basis is good morning and goodnight.  That's literally it.  And I can't remember the last time we more than pecked each other.

I think what's hard too is overall he's a good guy. He's a great father, not abusive, we really don't argue.  It's almost like we're roommates though.  We're great parents together, we share chores and bills, but I feel like we just don't have a deeper connection.  We're roommates, and friends.

Although I would NEVER cheat, I find myself looking at other guys daydreaming about what life with someone else would be like...to have passion in a relationship.  To be with someone that I'm truly attracted to and can't wait to jump on once in a while.  I can't tell you the last time I looked at DH that way.  I try not to look at other men that way, I try to divert myself when I think that way because I feel horribly guilty - I tell myself if DH and I did split I'd have to picture myself alone, because that would be my reality for a while.  I wouldn't feel right being that person who just starts dating right away.

I don't know what advice you can offer me, but I almost feel stuck. Some days, I feel like I'm sitting around waiting for 100% to come, to where I know I'm done.  Like I said, other days, I feel like I want to try to make it work more (although even then it's probably just mediocre, not over the moon great).   For what it's worth I know a marriage isn't going to be rainbows and butterflies all the time, but my feelings have been a constant back and fourth and I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Re: Confused...what to do?

  • My advice is to have a trial separation, since you have children it's hard for me to suggest 100% divorce yet. If after separating, you feel free and happy instead of missing him, seek divorce attorney. You already went to counseling, you're not attracted to him, you don't have sexual attraction/chemistry either, I think it's best to take time and space now. You've been unhappy for a long time now and in my opinion, I'd rather move forward and let someone else fully appreciate my husband, maybe he will be happier with someone else- someone that feels 100% for him. You should also consider his feelings, I'd want for my husband to find someone good for him if I knew my heart wasn't into him anymore...Good luck!

  • image vpine:
    My advice is to have a trial separation, since you have children it's hard for me to suggest 100% divorce yet. If after separating, you feel free and happy instead of missing him, seek divorce attorney. You already went to counseling, you're not attracted to him, you don't have sexual attraction/chemistry either, I think it's best to take time and space now. You've been unhappy for a long time now and in my opinion, I'd rather move forward and let someone else fully appreciate my husband, maybe he will be happier with someone else- someone that feels 100% for him. You should also consider his feelings, I'd want for my husband to find someone good for him if I knew my heart wasn't into him anymore...Good luck!

    Thanks - that's a good idea.  I've thought of maybe seeing if he would go live with his brother for a couple of weeks or a month to see how it goes.  My only concern would be my getting freaked out about being alone, and that would cause me to rush back to him, but I guess I can't worry about that.  I suffer from anxiety so I worry that my panic and anxiety would cause me to beg to fix things when that's not 100% what is in my heart.  I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow so I'm hoping that she can offer me some advice too - she's a good therapist for me, and I always feel a bit empowered and more sure of myself after seeing her.

    Through all of this, I've been very honest with him about my feelings, and he's always said he wants to make it work, and that he'll do whatever it takes, and although I appreciate it, I think I'm slowly coming to realize that even if certain things change about him it might not be enough - maybe after all of this time there's someout there that's better for both of us.  Sounds cliche, but I feel like maybe there's a woman out there who can give him more than I can.

  • Can you picture living as h and wife the rest of your life ?


  • image magsugar13:
    Can you picture living as h and wife the rest of your life ?

    Honestly it depends on the day.  On the days that I'd say yes, it's more like an answer of yes, but still wondering if I could be happier.  I know this sounds really silly, but I feel like I should WANT my H...I long for that. So when I try to picture us together forever, I still see that distance between us.

    I recall about 3 years ago, telling my mom I didn't see him in my life in 5 years.  Even though I say that I've felt this way in the past, if I'm being honest with myself, it's been on/off for a few years, although it was never as bad or as strong as a feeling as I have now, so I think I just tried to convince myself that it was the normal ups/downs of a marriage.  I still wonder that?

  • Maybe you and he have simply grown apart. It happens.

    What do you want to do?
  • image TarponMonoxide:
    Maybe you and he have simply grown apart. It happens.

    What do you want to do?

     I do feel that way - he hasn't changed much over the years and I have.  I've changed a lot acutally.  I have become a Christian (I didn't grow up knowing God), I've stopped drinking, my priorities in life have just changed as I've grown into my 30's and I'm a mom now.

    I don't know what I want to do, and that's so much of what I struggle with.  There's times I really do want to go our separate ways, but then when I feel like that for a few days, and it gets to be very real in my mind, I think I almost get scared at the reality of that and I pull back thinking OK, let's try to fix this. 

  • image MarieS1212:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    Maybe you and he have simply grown apart. It happens.

    What do you want to do?

     I do feel that way - he hasn't changed much over the years and I have.  I've changed a lot acutally.  I have become a Christian (I didn't grow up knowing God), I've stopped drinking, my priorities in life have just changed as I've grown into my 30's and I'm a mom now.

    I don't know what I want to do, and that's so much of what I struggle with.  There's times I really do want to go our separate ways, but then when I feel like that for a few days, and it gets to be very real in my mind, I think I almost get scared at the reality of that and I pull back thinking OK, let's try to fix this. 

    Ohhh, hey. I was with you until this point.

    You made vows to this man to love him and stick with him for better or for worse - from what I'm reading he's done nothing wrong but you've changed and "found god" and your priorities in life have changed. You have a child together, you are a family and it sounds like you're changing the game and ready to break up this family for your husband and child because what? You found god and your priorities changed?  If that's it, I think you are being horribly unfair.

    Yes, people can grow apart, and you shouldn't stay in a marriage where you are unhappy and at the same time, I feel that your husband deserves to be with someone that wants to be with him. But I can't imagine the pain I would feel if my husband up and changed religion, changed priorities and I just wasn't good enough for him any more, because I hadn't changed too.

    What came out of counseling? Does your husband know that you waffle between wanting to stay and wanting to leave? How does he feel about it?

     

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • It sounds to me like you are just going through the motions.  I can't imagine living the rest of my life with no passion in my marriagge.  If you don't have the passion, I would say it's time to go your seperate ways.  GL
    We were married 7/2/11
    We got our fur baby Cooper in May 2012.
    We are KU and due in July!


    [IMG]http://i50.tinypic.com/357othk.jpg[/IMG]
    [IMG]http://i46.tinypic.com/29uvygi.jpg[/IMG]
  • image Tofumonkey:
    image MarieS1212:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    Maybe you and he have simply grown apart. It happens.

    What do you want to do?

     I do feel that way - he hasn't changed much over the years and I have.  I've changed a lot acutally.  I have become a Christian (I didn't grow up knowing God), I've stopped drinking, my priorities in life have just changed as I've grown into my 30's and I'm a mom now.

    I don't know what I want to do, and that's so much of what I struggle with.  There's times I really do want to go our separate ways, but then when I feel like that for a few days, and it gets to be very real in my mind, I think I almost get scared at the reality of that and I pull back thinking OK, let's try to fix this. 

    Ohhh, hey. I was with you until this point.

    You made vows to this man to love him and stick with him for better or for worse - from what I'm reading he's done nothing wrong but you've changed and "found god" and your priorities in life have changed. You have a child together, you are a family and it sounds like you're changing the game and ready to break up this family for your husband and child because what? You found god and your priorities changed?  If that's it, I think you are being horribly unfair.

    Yes, people can grow apart, and you shouldn't stay in a marriage where you are unhappy and at the same time, I feel that your husband deserves to be with someone that wants to be with him. But I can't imagine the pain I would feel if my husband up and changed religion, changed priorities and I just wasn't good enough for him any more, because I hadn't changed too.

    What came out of counseling? Does your husband know that you waffle between wanting to stay and wanting to leave? How does he feel about it?

    I have to disagree with some of this - Yes, I did come to find God, and in many ways that has been a blessing in my life, it has changed my life for the better.  Granted, I didn't come into our marriage a Chrsitian, but does that enforce me to stay an unbeliever for the rest of my life?  I don't think there's a rule saying I can't find faith somewhere along the way.  I have never pushed religion on my H, he has his beliefs and I have mine, and we've had discussions to respect that of each other.  I do not in any way feel that I'm too good for my H. 

    Yes, he does know I've gone back and fourth - He knows that at one piont I was mentally packing my bags and looking into new child care options for DD.  I've been open with him about my feelings. 

    The #1 point that always comes up is a lack of physical intimacy in our relationship.  I need to not only be told I'm loved, but I need affection.  We could go an entire 24 hours in a day without even kissing each other (yes, I've told him this).

  • Well, one thing i can say is that your H is a trooper! I certainly wouldnt be with a woman who doesnt know if she wants to be married to me or not and  has changed so much.

    there is nothing wrong with growing apart, it happens. BUT to stay with him while both being unhappy  isnt good for any of you.



  • Have you two tried to reconnect physically? Even something as simple as holding hads while you watch tv or giving a goodnight hug and kiss? Maybe these things will help you feel a sense of connectivity. Changing and becoming different doesn't have to tear you apart.
  • image MiniMugLinton:
    Have you two tried to reconnect physically? Even something as simple as holding hads while you watch tv or giving a goodnight hug and kiss? Maybe these things will help you feel a sense of connectivity. Changing and becoming different doesn't have to tear you apart.

    We have tried certain things like this, giving extra hugs, just sitting near one another on the couch, things like that.  My H isn't a very affectionate person (and will fully admit it) so he says he tries but it feels forced.  I find he'll try short term after I bring it up, but it doesn't last long - maybe a few weeks.

  • image MarieS1212:
    image Tofumonkey:
    image MarieS1212:

    image TarponMonoxide:
    Maybe you and he have simply grown apart. It happens.

    What do you want to do?

     I do feel that way - he hasn't changed much over the years and I have.  I've changed a lot acutally.  I have become a Christian (I didn't grow up knowing God), I've stopped drinking, my priorities in life have just changed as I've grown into my 30's and I'm a mom now.

    I don't know what I want to do, and that's so much of what I struggle with.  There's times I really do want to go our separate ways, but then when I feel like that for a few days, and it gets to be very real in my mind, I think I almost get scared at the reality of that and I pull back thinking OK, let's try to fix this. 

    Ohhh, hey. I was with you until this point.

    You made vows to this man to love him and stick with him for better or for worse - from what I'm reading he's done nothing wrong but you've changed and "found god" and your priorities in life have changed. You have a child together, you are a family and it sounds like you're changing the game and ready to break up this family for your husband and child because what? You found god and your priorities changed?  If that's it, I think you are being horribly unfair.

    Yes, people can grow apart, and you shouldn't stay in a marriage where you are unhappy and at the same time, I feel that your husband deserves to be with someone that wants to be with him. But I can't imagine the pain I would feel if my husband up and changed religion, changed priorities and I just wasn't good enough for him any more, because I hadn't changed too.

    What came out of counseling? Does your husband know that you waffle between wanting to stay and wanting to leave? How does he feel about it?

    I have to disagree with some of this - Yes, I did come to find God, and in many ways that has been a blessing in my life, it has changed my life for the better.  Granted, I didn't come into our marriage a Chrsitian, but does that enforce me to stay an unbeliever for the rest of my life?  I don't think there's a rule saying I can't find faith somewhere along the way.  I have never pushed religion on my H, he has his beliefs and I have mine, and we've had discussions to respect that of each other.  I do not in any way feel that I'm too good for my H. 

    Yes, he does know I've gone back and fourth - He knows that at one piont I was mentally packing my bags and looking into new child care options for DD.  I've been open with him about my feelings. 

    The #1 point that always comes up is a lack of physical intimacy in our relationship.  I need to not only be told I'm loved, but I need affection.  We could go an entire 24 hours in a day without even kissing each other (yes, I've told him this).

    *zips up flame retardant suit*

    I get that you haven't been forcing your new-found religious beliefs on your husband and that's great. However, from the way you write about your religion it leads me to believe that you didn't just become a Christian and start going to church and reading the bible - it sounds a bit like you've gone off the deep end of Christianity and are now very full on with this. Fine for some people, not so much for others. 

    I'm imagining it to be similar to me going to bed one night thinking everything is fine and then the next morning I wake up and WHAM! My husband is suddenly Amish. Yes, maybe he's not forcing me to wear a bonnet and braids per se, but the long beard and barn-raising is not exactly what I signed up for or married into.

    I just think that in your marriage, you changed the game and the rules out of the blue and that's not fair, and very sad that it's causing you to break up your family because of this. He's done nothing wrong, I doubt he was super affectionate before the wedding and then as soon as you said "I do" became less affectionate. And now you're waffling between staying as a family and leaving and taking his daughter.

    And I think that sucks, for both of you, but mostly for him.

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • What are his feelings on this? Do you know if he feels the same? It seems you both have tried to work things out and nothing sticks, perhaps you have just grown apart. What about a trial separation? Try to really think about how you want to live the rest of your life, not if its just 'ok' or not. Your DH doesn't have to be a horrible person for you to leave him, sometimes people just grow apart.
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