Family Matters
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Pressure to have children

We have been married a little over two months and I'm feeling really pressured to have children already. It doesn't help that that between my friends and cousins, there will be over fifteen babies born this year. As excited as I am for them, we just aren't ready. My MIL asks us when we're going to start trying every time we see her. Every single time. My own mother is in some sort of competition with my aunt and is losing because my aunt has three grand kids and she doesn't have any. Even my friends are getting on me. They've all been married for at least two years before they all started trying so why can't we have two years? We were at a gathering yesterday and they were all drilling us with baby questions. We've already had sit-down talks with our parents and have explained to our friends that we are waiting a few years. I'm also beyond making silly jokes after being asked when we're going to have kids. Now I just make bitchy remarks every time we're asked. I don't know what advise I'm really looking for or if I just needed to vent. I just don't get how people can't respect our decision to wait. 

Re: Pressure to have children

  • Stop explaining it to people.  They mention kids?  You say "that's between DH and I and we aren't going to discuss it with you".  EVERY time.  They still push it?  The start walking away.  Seriously.  "We aren't discussing this with you. If you mention it again, I'm/we're leaving/hanging up", etc.  Then DO IT. 

    And heck - if that still doesn't work, the next time they invite you over, say "no".  When asked why, you say "because you won't leave the baby topic alone and we're tired of it.  Iv'e asked you to respect it and not talk about it, but you refuse.  So we won'[t be coming over".

    And if you really HAVE to - yes, go to the rude comments. 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • I totally felt your pain.  DH and I knew we'd want a family one day and his parents were INCESSANT about bugging us about it to the point that it was obnoxious.  Add to that the fact that we tried for 2 years (I'm 7 weeks pregnant so knock on wood here) to get pregnant and it got real old, real fast.  DH dealt with his parents and first nicely told them that the subject wasn't open for discussion and to let it go - when there was something to tell them, we'd tell them but until we told them something, it wasn't a topic we were going to entertain anymore.  When they couldn't keep their mouths shut about it, he had a more stern conversation and told them that if they can't respect our wishes, we don't have to see them.  That put an end to it.  We haven't had to walk out but we were prepared to if they couldn't respect our wish for it to not be discussed anymore. 

     

  • It's just plain bad mannners and tacky to repeatedly hock somebody for an answer.:(

    Tell them you're gonna hire a friend to carry the baby for ya.:)

  •  Next time someone asks when you are having kids just ask them if they wax their privates or how often they have sex. Then when the shock leaves their face say "maybe we can just agree to not ask each other personal questions." hopefully they take a hint. Or say "I'm not sure but I can call you when we start trying so you can be in the room too since you are so interested our sex life."

    For your friends with kids you could reply you want time to yourselves before looking all tired and worn down like they do. Moms love hearing that.  

  • image tobysnuggles:

     Next time someone asks when you are having kids just ask them if they wax their privates or how often they have sex. Then when the shock leaves their face say "maybe we can just agree to not ask each other personal questions." hopefully they take a hint. Or say "I'm not sure but I can call you when we start trying so you can be in the room too since you are so interested our sex life."

    For your friends with kids you could reply you want time to yourselves before looking all tired and worn down like they do. Moms love hearing that.  

    Yeah, and ask them when the first time was that they had sex. And how often lately they're getting any.

    People really slay me with how personal they can get.

  • I feel really sorry for you to have to deal with that kind of nonsense.

    I actually have the opposite problem - my meddling MIL had the nerve to tell my H that we should wait to have children. Mind you, my H and I had the convo before our wedding and decided the timeline in which we ideally wanted to start trying (which we've kept between us), but I am just amazed at the balls on this woman. Good thing she did not say that to me or in front of me, because I would have put her in her place like I've had to do on other ocassions. (As you can probably tell, I'm not exactly fond of my MIL - nice lady and all, but way to overbearing and annoying for me to have any meanful relationship with so I try to keep my distance.)

    As far as your friends asking you - ask them if they want to help pay for the costs associated with having a child. That should shut them up ;) 

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    image R.Wilsonny:

    I feel really sorry for you to have to deal with that kind of nonsense.

    I actually have the opposite problem - my meddling MIL had the nerve to tell my H that we should wait to have children. Mind you, my H and I had the convo before our wedding and decided the timeline in which we ideally wanted to start trying (which we've kept between us), but I am just amazed at the balls on this woman. Good thing she did not say that to me or in front of me, because I would have put her in her place like I've had to do on other ocassions. (As you can probably tell, I'm not exactly fond of my MIL - nice lady and all, but way to overbearing and annoying for me to have any meanful relationship with so I try to keep my distance.)

    As far as your friends asking you - ask them if they want to help pay for the costs associated with having a child. That should shut them up ;) 

    I use the bolded option on the regular. It actually does shut them up IME. Stick out tongue

    My family and close friends know our timeline for kids and don't bug us very often. It's those nice church ladies that get up in our business. One asked me if I was pregnant... I guess I looked fat in the dress I was wearing. Indifferent

  • When you're dating someone, people keep asking when you'll get engaged.

    The day after you're engaged, people start asking you when the wedding date is.

    At the reception, people start asking when you're going to start trying for a child.

    The day that your first child is born, people start asking you when you plan to have another one.

    Etc, etc.

    People are stupid.  If you're already been polite with your responses and you are still getting hassled, feel free to be rude in your response or just stop talking to those people all together.  Don't give them explanations, because then you invite them to pick apart your answer and push you more.......and gives the impression that they have a right to know your reproductive plans to begin with. 

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  • image srgw:
    I use the bolded option on the regular. It actually does shut them up IME. Stick out tongue

    My family and close friends know our timeline for kids and don't bug us very often. It's those nice church ladies that get up in our business. One asked me if I was pregnant... I guess I looked fat in the dress I was wearing. Indifferent

    I thank god my own family does not ask me too many questions about my personal life. I think they realized early on that I was not in such a hurry to get married that I'm just a late bloomer and on my own life schedule, so eventually I will get around to doing all of those big life things (marriage/children/etc)

    And yea, I totally hear you about the church people. I seriously try to limit any amount of time I spend in church because the people in ours gossip way too much about everyone else and are nothing but a bunch of nosey busybodies. Even worse though is the fact that every time I do go, the ladies always comment about how I've 'lost weight'. I just smile and nod, but it's gotten annoying to the point where I'm going to start responding 'No, as a matter of fact, I've gained weight since the wedding, but thanks for noticing how fat I've gotten and your concern.'

    Some people - it's like they have nothing better to do with themselves *smh*

  • My answer to this question is always the same "soon enough and not any time soon" or "sometime".

    In my experience people tend to stop asking if you doing give them any reasons why or why not or details of time line. My MIL is the worst (she told people at our wedding that she wants her grandchild to be born by 9 months after the wedding), but even she has stopped ragging on me because I just wont get into it.

  • My husband's aunt tod us "don't wait too long" when we were 27. 
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