Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Family visits after birth of first baby

My husband and I live across the country from our families, and we are having our first baby next month.
I know all families are different, but in general, who would you have visit you to see the baby and when? I don't know what to expect after the baby is born, and I don't know how I will feel about houseguests at that time?


For my husband's side, his parents are planning to visit for a weekend a few weeks after the baby should be born. They will pay their own way, will probably take a cab/shuttle to our house, and they would stay in our guest room. I think this is reasonable.

For my side, I know my mom would like to be here for the birth and stay a while. But, we have no way of knowing when exactly the baby will come of course, so she would have to stay for quite a while. Plus she cannot afford a ticket, so we would have to spend about $500 and make the trip to pick her up and drop her off at the airport (1 1/2 hours away). Plus, I'm just not sure if I want her to be staying at our house for such a long time?? Is that unreasonable?

I should add - My husband will be deployed early next year, and he has a lot of training to do until then, so I really feel like spending as much time as a family as possible. Also, although we spend our money wisely and make the best of what we have, we would be stretched to cover her ticket... (even though my family likes to glamorize our lifestyle, the military does not pay much and there are other things that we could use that money for - like bills or baby gear). Plus my husband is reluctant to spend the money - but he also likes the idea of having her with us...

Also, my sister announced that she will come visit "just for the weekend" -- but it will still be inconvienent to have to make the drive to and from the airport with a new baby twice in one weekend. She has not always been the most pleasant house guest (catty remarks and impossible to satisfy to say the least...) so my husband is not looking forward to it, but I feel guilty I guess. It's a once in a lifetime experience, and I want my family to meet our baby, I just don't want them staying at our house for so long...
Ugh, any suggestions?

Re: Family visits after birth of first baby

  • You can tell people they are welcome to visit and "here's a list of local hotels". Of any point in your life, having a newborn is the perfect time to say "we can't host houseguests". 

    Also, why will it cost $500 to get your mom from the airport? 

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • I think she's saying that is will cost 500 to fly her mom in and she would also have to pick her up from the airport.

    My advice (take it for what it worth, I dont have children):

    Babies are portable. I see no reason why you wouldn't pick up inlaws, mom, sister, and whomever from the airport. The car ride itself can be quality time. If the airport is that far away, it would be a pretty expensive cab. Again, not a mom but I can't think of any reason why baby couldn't do a car ride (some enjoy it) and in worst case scenario, they are fussy and screaming the whole time...well that can happen at home too. Another option is for one of you to stay home, and the other to play pick up. I'm just saying, their traveling x amount of miles to see you, you can travel a little bit as well.

    Your mom: have you talked about who has to pay for ticket, are you just assuming that you will, is she just assuming it? Talk about it. If you don't have money to pay for her (or only a certain amount) tell her that. Put your heads together and see if you come up with anything (does she have any relatives willing to donate frequent flyer miles?)

  • I think having your mom there after the birth of your child would be helpful if she helps out. Meaning, laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. Also, if she would give you and your new little family time to bond, but of course help with the baby some. If she is not going to help much and be in your business all the time, then that is another story. You will be sore and tired especially the first 2 weeks after delivery, also don't be surprised if you are teary for a while too. Your harmones do some crazy things those first few weeks.  Basically, if mom will help, have her there, you will need it. If she is going to be more of a pain in the butt than help, don't bring her to stay.
    Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone
    "Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
  • imagebethieb123:

    My husband and I live across the country from our families, and we are having our first baby next month.
    I know all families are different, but in general, who would you have visit you to see the baby and when? I don't know what to expect after the baby is born, and I don't know how I will feel about houseguests at that time?

    All families are different. This is a conversation you need to be having with your DH because his family may expect something different than yours. He may be expecting parity- like your mom pays or they all come at once and meet baby at the same time.


    For my husband's side, his parents are planning to visit for a weekend a few weeks after the baby should be born. They will pay their own way, will probably take a cab/shuttle to our house, and they would stay in our guest room. I think this is reasonable.

    This sounds humane. You should be largely recovered physically, you'll be over the worst of learning to bf/care for your child but you'll still relish a nice nap and hot shower.



    For my side, I know my mom would like to be here for the birth and stay a while.

    What does "for the birth mean"? Mom in delivery? Is your DH behind that? Is he cool with her hanging around the house while you're in the hospital?

    not all babies are portable. A 3 hour R/T could interfere with a feeding, diaper blow out and a missed opportunity for you to to nap. This isn't a good plan. Perhaps your DH could make the drive alone.

    But, we have no way of knowing when exactly the baby will come of course, so she would have to stay for quite a while. Plus she cannot afford a ticket, so we would have to spend about $500 and make the trip to pick her up and drop her off at the airport (1 1/2 hours away). Plus, I'm just not sure if I want her to be staying at our house for such a long time?? Is that unreasonable?

    You can't have it both ways- help and a shared experience but not under foot.



    I should add - My husband will be deployed early next year, and he has a lot of training to do until then, so I really feel like spending as much time as a family as possible. Also, although we spend our money wisely and make the best of what we have, we would be stretched to cover her ticket... (even though my family likes to glamorize our lifestyle, the military does not pay much and there are other things that we could use that money for - like bills or baby gear). Plus my husband is reluctant to spend the money - but he also likes the idea of having her with us...

    One downside to grandmothers is that they tend to take over, while they might defer to a new mom, they tend to walk all over new dads. Snce your DH has limited time to bond, I would suggest you count on him to help you as much as you can so he can bond.  Maybe fly your mom out while your DH is deployed instead.



    Also, my sister announced that she will come visit "just for the weekend" -- but it will still be inconvienent to have to make the drive to and from the airport with a new baby twice in one weekend. She has not always been the most pleasant house guest (catty remarks and impossible to satisfy to say the least...) so my husband is not looking forward to it, but I feel guilty I guess. It's a once in a lifetime experience, and I want my family to meet our baby, I just don't want them staying at our house for so long...
    Ugh, any suggestions?

    Tell her you'll see how things go after baby comes and get back to her with a window that is convenient. Her trip might be better done when DH is away as well.

  • imageEastCoastBride:

    You can tell people they are welcome to visit and "here's a list of local hotels". Of any point in your life, having a newborn is the perfect time to say "we can't host houseguests". 

    Also, why will it cost $500 to get your mom from the airport? 

    All the bolded. I have had two kids. Under no circumstances would I have felt like I wanted to drive to the airport to get people. Having your first baby is a HUGE life adjustment. If people want to come, they should drive themselves and should plan on helping with chores around the house. That's my two cents.

  • As the new mom of a seven-week-old, after the baby comes, you are going to want people around you who will help - who will do laundry without being asked, run a load of dishes, bring you a glass of water when you're nursing, etc. If your mom is that person, then by all means, have her come. Same with your sister. If, however, they're just going to want to play with the baby, and expect you to make them meals and pick them up at the airport, then tell them you'll let them know when you're ready for visitors.

    I'm lucky to live near my parents, and I didn't think I wanted my mother around too much after the baby came. I called her in tears the first day my husband went back to work, and she came right over, took one look at me, took the baby, and told me to go take a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, she'd done dishes, sorted laundry, straightened up, and changed the baby. She sat me down to nurse him, brought me a glass of water, and went out to pick up groceries. When she came back, she put in a load of laundry, took him from me to burp him, and sent me off for a nap. My husband seriously would have kissed her feet when he came home from work if he could have. She's come over almost every day since then, even if just for an hour,  to make sure I have enough food in the fridge and to make sure I have the chance to take a nap.I didn't realize how much I would need that kind of help before the baby came.

    So, evaluate your relatives carefully. Who's going to be helpful? This isn't a time for "guests," it's a time for help. 

  • imageKensingtonBK:

    As the new mom of a seven-week-old, after the baby comes, you are going to want people around you who will help - who will do laundry without being asked, run a load of dishes, bring you a glass of water when you're nursing, etc. If your mom is that person, then by all means, have her come. Same with your sister. If, however, they're just going to want to play with the baby, and expect you to make them meals and pick them up at the airport, then tell them you'll let them know when you're ready for visitors.

    I'm lucky to live near my parents, and I didn't think I wanted my mother around too much after the baby came. I called her in tears the first day my husband went back to work, and she came right over, took one look at me, took the baby, and told me to go take a shower. When I came out of the bathroom, she'd done dishes, sorted laundry, straightened up, and changed the baby. She sat me down to nurse him, brought me a glass of water, and went out to pick up groceries. When she came back, she put in a load of laundry, took him from me to burp him, and sent me off for a nap. My husband seriously would have kissed her feet when he came home from work if he could have. She's come over almost every day since then, even if just for an hour,  to make sure I have enough food in the fridge and to make sure I have the chance to take a nap.I didn't realize how much I would need that kind of help before the baby came.

    So, evaluate your relatives carefully. Who's going to be helpful? This isn't a time for "guests," it's a time for help. 

    Spot on!!!! Agree totally. People need to visit to help you out and take care of you while you care for your new baby. The last thing you need to worry about is wondering whether or not your house guests are comfortable.

  • Maybe have your mom come when DH is deployed? She will have time to Save to pay for at least part of her trip to if you tell her you cannot afford the ticket. My mom is coming to stay after DH goes back to work. Anyone else, like your sis, who decides to visit needs to arrange their own transportation. I wouldn't want to be stressed about this after having a baby. Let others figure it out. 
  • What your inlaws plan to do sounds quite reasonable.  They sound smart.

    Your family?  Not so much.

    All women are different, of course.  And all babies are different, sure.  But in the weeks immediately following giving birth, there are some pretty universal truths: you will be tired, you will be sore, your hormones are going to be way out of whack, did I mention that you'll be tired?  Your newborn will need to eat about every 2 hours, will need to be changed about that often, will want to be held, and may or may not be fussy for some or all of the time. 

    The absolute LAST thing that I wanted when I was postpartum was houseguests.  I wanted to be left the hell alone, to sit on the couch holding my newborn with my shirt off (if you plan to breastfeed, realize that you'll be breastfeeding almost constantly those first few weeks......and it's necessary to encourage your supply).  I didn't want to worry about entertaining anyone, making sure they had something to eat and drink and do (because I was WAY too tired to make conversation...newborns eat around the clock, and again if you're breastfeeding it's not like someone else can just do that chore for you through the night).  It was glorious - and the most helpful to me - to be able to just sit and worry about nothing other than my baby.  Not picking up the house, not taking a shower and getting dressed, not planning out dinner.......nothing but the baby.

    Yeah - if your mom was the kind of person who would come and focus on taking care of you and the house, it might be nice to have her there.  But it already doesn't sound like that's the case; in order to just get here there, you need to shell out the money to pay her way (because I'm sure money isn't an issue with two new parents already), and you'll have to drive 3 hours roundtrip to get her from the airport (I disagree completely with the above poster - most newborns aren't that portable, since they DEMAND to be fed and changed every 1.5-2 hours and may not enjoy being in the car.....a 3 hour drive in the car with a screaming newborn would be hell on earth).......not to mention that facts that 1) depending on how things go with your labor and delivery, sitting in a car for that long may be impossibly painful for YOU, and 2) unless you have a large vehicle, once you install the carseat you won't have lots of room for passengers anyway. Basically, your mom is being a pain the neck hassle before she even gets to your house.......and a pain in the neck houseguest when you're a sleep deprived, hormone crazy zombie will be torture.

    Remember - this is a once in a lifetime experience (like you said)........but it's a once in a lifetime experience for YOU and YOUR HUSBAND too.  Don't trip over yourself trying to make everyone else happy at the expense of your own happiness.  Tell your sister that you would love to see her, but it will need to be a few weeks after the baby is born and she'll have to find her own way from the airport.  As for your mom, you need to talk this over with your husband......do you both REALLY want her there for the birth?  Do you REALLY think that she'll be the type of "not seen, not heard" houseguest that you'll need postpartum?  Do you think that she'll step back and let you and your husband learn how to parent your own way?  Would it be better for everyone if she waited to come until after your husband deploys and you are more in need of assistance and better able to host a long-term houseguest?

    Lilypie Kids Birthday tickers Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • My situation was pretty similar to yours. DH & I live literally on the opposite side of the country from our families. We had our first baby in April, and before then, like you, I was so apprehensive about guests coming into my home and trampling over my "new family" time. I had my grandmother come first, about 5 weeks after DD was born and MIL came two weeks later. I KNEW my grandmother would be the most helpful, and I wished like anything that I had asked her to come earlier. I was sore, exhausted, frustrated and stuck in the house. It would have been awesome to have a mother figure there to tell me that I was doing alright and to give me a break when I needed it. MIL wasn't helpful, and I wish I wouldn't have invited her, but it would have been so much worse had she come for the first week. 

    The key is to make sure that whoever you have coming to help will actually....you know, help. If you have someone that you can trust to be helpful and not overbearing or counterproductive, let them come early. You'll actually get more time with your husband because you'll have someone to hold your baby so you two can have a few moments together in peace.

     


    FWIW, my husband is also military and he deploys around 4 times a year....so I totally get wanting to cram in all of the family time that you can get, but you may be surprised when your visitors actually make that time more enjoyable for all of you.

    Good luck and congrats! 

    [IMG]http://i49.tinypic.com/28chc2h.jpg[/IMG]<a href="http://lilypie.com/"><img src="http://lb1f.lilypie.com/AJYEm7.png" width="400" height="80" border="0" alt="Lilypie First Birthday tickers" /></a>




    "A woman really doesn't need to be rescued. Its not the place for the knight in shining armor. Its the place for her to face her darkest moment and lay claim to her victory." -TBOBB

    You know you wanna vote for Eden....

    http://tinyurl.com/VOTE-FOR-EDEN
  • I'd just tell them to stay in a hotel

    I live overseas and when I had my baby

    my parents came for 18 days when dd was 10 days old, they stayed in a B&B like place, and it was great - they got their own space in the evenings, and left when dd and I took a big nap in the afternoon.

    my in-laws came for a few days directly after dd was born and also stayed at that B&B

    we had a small 2 bed apartment and there just wasn't space for them - plus geez I wanted some alone time with my new baby too

    We picked my parents up from the airport, because dh could drive and I could attend to dd, but I booked them the shuttle to get back. I don't see anything wrong with telling people they just need to get a cab/shuttle cause you have a new baby & don't want to drive them !!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards