Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Crazy for a grand-baby.

So.. my FI and I got engaged this past August. My FMIL told me that night after we got engaged that she was at a flea market earlier that day and almost bought a baby outfit, but FFIL made her put it back. I didn't take it personally or laughed about it.

Few wks later, we spent the weekend with them to go to a 50th anniversary for one of his relatives. I was okay with it.  We went to a fall festival the night before the anniversary mass so there a lot of babies there. She made a joke about us having a baby.. again..  I didn't say anything because I really didn't appreciate it. She apologized to me the next morning. I told her that we just need to focus on paying off FI college loan before thinking about having kids. Her reply was "Oh we'll help you." : O I don't understand it. 

We have seen them 2 or 3 times since then.. she brought up the topic of a grandbaby every time that I've seen her since we got engaged. I told FI after the 2nd time that it would be nice if he would simply tell her to stop joking about it around me for now since I have the wedding on mind and don't want to have kids for at least 5 yrs.

 Please don't get me wrong because we do love kids very much, but we are not the type that like to be in big debts. We know that kids are expensive and requires a lot of time, love, and attention. We just want to provide our kids with a good home to live in. It is simply not our priority right now.

How should I handle this the next time? I don't think I can stay quiet about it with her the next time she brings it up. FI tried to get her to stop and nothing worked. Sorry, but the joke is starting to make me sick since I'm not close to her to begin with.

 

Re: Crazy for a grand-baby.

  • I would say something like,"why don't we worry about getting through the wedding before we start thinking about kids!"

     

  • That's a good advice. ;) I'd love it if she would focus more on the wedding for now so that would be a good thing to tell her.

     

  • Actually, you stated it quite clearly here:

     Please don't get me wrong because we do love kids very much, but we are not the type that like to be in big debts. We know that kids are expensive and requires a lot of time, love, and attention. We just want to provide our kids with a good home to live in. It is simply not our priority right now.

     You should just say that to her.  Good luck and try not to let it get to you.  It's your life.

  • I think I would have your FI have a discussion with his mother PRONTO! Tell him to send her a very up front message that you are not appreciative of her baby comments & to stop it NOW. Handle it right now & get him on your page.  The next step is to have your guns prepared if she should say anything to you like: NOT planning babies for a LONG time, unless she is prepared to raise them, pay for them, etc, etc, etc
  • Do not offer any reason for why you don't want a baby right now. Doing so implies that the person pushing parenthood has the right to bring up such a subject.

    Next time? Try "We'll let you know when there is anything to tell; until then, let's drop it"; or "The subject is not open for discussion" or "We'll have a baby when we're ready and not until; so please drop it".  Not "Well, we want to pay off debt first", since that tells her that 1) you want kids just as much as she wants grandchildren, it's just that there is this barrier that has to be surmounted 2) she has a right to have input and 3) if the debt is paid off, she'll get that grandkid and 4) if she pays the debt she'll get the kid even faster. None of which is true.

    You have to say, loud and clear, that this is not open for discussion. Do this politely, or not politely; but do it.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Just because FMIL wants a grandchild doesn't mean you have to have one. She can talk as much as she wants, a "when we're ready" is all you need to say.
    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • Ditto sue_sue and susie 100%.  Dont' offer explanations.  Shut down the topic every time.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Hmm... i agree with eeb and sue. I shouldn't have told her any details why we dont want to have kids for a while. I only said it thinking that telling her the truth would get her to shut up. It didn't work... now you guys made me realize what I could have done wrong.

    Sue also made me realize that I was vague to FMIL about having kids after the debts are paid for. We also want to travel/possibly go back to school for masters degree before kids so it could be more than 5 yrs before we try for one. OR... we could have a bonus baby before then. I won't be upset if it happens, but prefer to wait.

     Sue- do you think it is okay to not be polite about it after FI and I tried to get her to stop? I'm not crazy about her, but am trying hard to be nice even though I can never laugh at her disgusting jokes. I just want her to STOP bc its making me really not liking her more and more every time. It's really hard.

  • image Sue_sue:

    Next time? Try "We'll let you know when there is anything to tell; until then, let's drop it"; or "The subject is not open for discussion" or "We'll have a baby when we're ready and not until; so please drop it".  Not "Well, we want to pay off debt first", since that tells her that 1) you want kids just as much as she wants grandchildren, it's just that there is this barrier that has to be surmounted 2) she has a right to have input and 3) if the debt is paid off, she'll get that grandkid and 4) if she pays the debt she'll get the kid even faster. None of which is true.

    I agree with this 100%.  The fact that she has already offered to help your FI pay off his college debt would lead me to believe that once the debt is gone, she will return to her ongoing questioning about when you plan to have kids.  I would have your FI have a serious, sit-down conversation about the inappropriateness of her comments.

    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • image lj242909:
     Sue- do you think it is okay to not be polite about it after FI and I tried to get her to stop? I'm not crazy about her, but am trying hard to be nice even though I can never laugh at her disgusting jokes. I just want her to STOP bc its making me really not liking her more and more every time. It's really hard.

    I'm not Sue, but I'm here. :-)  W/ the new firm approach that sue_sue laid out, be polite about it at first.  Firm but nice. But if she keeps bringing it up, you get firmer and firmer, and yes, eventually - you get to not be nice about it.  "MIL- I've tried to be polite about this.  DH adn I having children is not a topic open for discussion anymore. I've ASKED you to not bring it up. Now I'm telling you to not bring it up.  It is not open for discussion."

    And THEN if she still does it- you walk away, you hang up, or whatever it takes to say to SHOW her you mean what you say.

    I would REALLY hope it doesn't get to that point, though!!

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • How hard did your FI try to get her to shut up about it? Did he only say something once, it didn't work, so oh well, she just won't listen to anybody? He's the one who needs to tell her to drop it. He doesn't need to politely ask her to drop it, he needs to DEMAND that she drop it. Sounds like he's okay with you being upset but he's not okay with mommy being upset.
    fiizzlee = vag ** fiizzle = peen ** Babies shouldn't be born wit thangs ** **They're called first luddz fo' a reason -- mo' is supposed ta come after. Yo Ass don't git a medal fo' marryin yo' prom date. Unless yo ass is imoan. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Then yo ass git a all-expenses paid cruise ta tha Mediterranean n' yo ass git ta hook up Jared Padalecki on tha flight over while bustin yo' jammies. But still no medal.
  • image lj242909:
     

     Sue- do you think it is okay to not be polite about it after FI and I tried to get her to stop? I'm not crazy about her, but am trying hard to be nice even though I can never laugh at her disgusting jokes. I just want her to STOP bc its making me really not liking her more and more every time. It's really hard.

    Part of the issue is that you're giving her words too much power. She can talk about it as much as she wants; you don't have to let it affect you. She has no control over this matter - you do.

    People often say things I don't necessarily want to hear -- be it family, friends, my co-workers, the person checking out my groceries, or random strangers in passing. I don't let it bother me, because in the end, I have control over my life. No one else. It's not worth me getting upset over. That gives other people power over me that I don't want them to have.

    image Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • Thanks everybody! I feel better now. :)

    and.. thanks East! I will need to start getting firm the next time I see her. We rarely send each other text messages/email so that is a good thing! I hope that it stays this way though! 

    I just hate being rude to people, but this joke/discussion really need to stop.

  • Sorry I'm late!

    I'd be polite and firm; then firm; then REALLY firm.

    It is OUTRAGEOUSLY rude to inquire into the contents of someone else's uterus. Refusing to be drawn in to her little grandma fantasy is not rude.

     

    "The matter is private, and between fi and myself. Please drop the subject".

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Yes.. I do realize that I cannot control what comes out of people mouth or hands (signing).

    I will just tell her this the next time: Stop bringing it up because it is not any of your business. When we are pregnant, then we will let you know. In the meantime, I don't want to hear a word about it til then.

    FI tried. He didn't make a joke out of it.. she still didn't stop. She usually says it when we are away from FI so thats why he is never there to stop it on the spot.

    I just want her to stop because she annoys me every single time that I have seen her. I just want her to know that she needs to stop....its starting to make me really not like her anymore. I hate that she tries to make me laugh with her when she says stupid jokes like that or worse.

  • Wow.. I like what Sue just said..I'll keep that in mind for christmas IF I see her.
  • My dad has actually done this a couple times.  He actually just said something a couple weeks ago along the lines of 'So when are you going to add an addition to the family photo?.'  I just laugh about it and moce onto the next subject.
  • "Every time you bring up us having a baby, we're adding one year to our timeline."
    image Lucy, 12/27/2009
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • image lj242909:

    Thanks everybody! I feel better now. :)

    and.. thanks East! I will need to start getting firm the next time I see her. We rarely send each other text messages/email so that is a good thing! I hope that it stays this way though! 

    I just hate being rude to people, but this joke/discussion really need to stop.

    It's not rude to ask someone to respect your personal boundaries.

    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • I'd just tell her that you know she wants a grandbaby and you all definitely want to have kids some day, but not quite yet.  That when you do get PG that you will certainly let her know but that you all have some more things you want to get in line first.

     

    If you think it will help you can throw in flattery.....my parents understand that I think they did a great job raising me and would love to be able to give my kids the same time, attention, and support that they gave me.  That's not going to be feasible for us to do for quite awhile. 

    image "...Saving just one pet won't change the world...but, surely, the world will change for that one pet..."
  • This is pretty horrible, but I have a few relatives and friends who just cannot get the picture that we don't want children until we're a little more settled...

    I tell people I'm barren...it's shuts them up real quick.

    <a href="http://tinypic.com?ref=28t821x" target="_blank"><img src="http://i52.tinypic.com/28t821x.jpg" border="0" alt="Image and video hosting by TinyPic"></a>[img]http://i54.tinypic.com/zsk41e.jpg[/img]

    Trying to Conceive since 10/2008
    <BR>Unexplain IF

    2010: 4 IUI's + injectibles, 1 M/C

    2011: IVF #1 = BFN, IVF #2 = BFP! 2 embies implanted.

    Beta #1 at 9DP5DT = 253, Beta #2 at 12DP5DT = 875!!, First ultrasound, May 5 - Triplets?! A set of identical twins and a tagalong

    <a href="http://glowconsin.blogspot.com/">Glowconsin Getaway</a>.

    [url=http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=UBB&utm_campaign=tickers][img]http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt12cce8.aspx[/img][/url]
  • Maybe give her a task to help with the wedding to get her mind off of it.  Like planning a bridal shwoer or something. 
    [IMG]http://i54.tinypic.com/2mfivi8.jpg[/IMG]

    <a href=http://mm4ver-lifeinalaska.blogspot.com/ target="blank">Small Town Big Living</a>
    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tools/tickers/tt388fb.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0" /></a>
    <a href="http://www.thebump.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Ovulation Calculator"><img src="http://global.thebump.com/tickers/tt1370d0.aspx" alt=" Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker" border="0" /></a>
  • Sorry, I am late!

    I don't post on here much but I had to respond to this one.

    My MIL was doing this to me constantly.  At my wedding, she said "I expect to be in the hospital holding a baby this time next year."  It only got worse. She harassed me about anything baby related (and I think she thought she was being funny about it, she wasn't).

     It was really getting to me and my DH.  I asked him to say something to her so he said:

    "Can you please stop with the baby stuff.  What if we were trying and Powash couldn't get pregnant?  She would feel terrible."

    She hasn't said a word since...  She probably thinks I'm sterile but that is fine with me!  GL!

  • Whoa PowAsh...

    I could definitely feel your pain!! My FMIL actually said something very similiar to my FI once on the phone. She said that she "should be a grandma to a 3 month old baby by this time in 2 years." FI told her not to get any ideas.

    I literally almost cried when FI told me that. I figured it out and found out that she expects us to have a honeymoon baby. We dont believe in hiding things from each other so thats why he told me anyway.  

    The good thing is that we have never talked to each other much.. we would only text each other, but never made a phone call to each other. I'm just SO happy now that I gave up trying to stay in contact with her after a year.

     

Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards