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In Laws are always wanting to borrow money from us - sorry, it's a bit long!

DH and I have worked hard to get where we are today.  We both have good jobs, live in a nice home, and are able to save a little each month to put towards retirement.  Don't get me wrong, we are not making tons of money, but we are conservative with our spending so we have a nice amount in our savings.  DH's family are not that way.  Due to bad financial choices in their life, everyone of my In Laws are struggling financially.  This includes my husband's parents.  My husband's siblings are all in their 30s and should know better. 

Whenever anyone is in financial trouble, they come crying to DH and I to bail them out.  This year alone, we've been asked at least 10 times for loans from the inlaws.  I'm not talking little $200 loans.  These are $1000 loans.  They all know what to say to DH to pull on his heart strings and make him feel sorry for them.  A lot of times he will give them the loan because he feels bad for them and feels that as a Christian he should help his family.  This is driving me crazy because I feel like I don't work as hard as I do to support his lazy family.  I don't want their burden to be mine.  Anytime I get upset with DH about this he gets mad at me because he things I'm being too harsh on his family.  He always throws the Christian card at me saying it is the right thing to do to help family in need.  I'm worried that they are going to bring us down with them.  What do I do??? 

Re: In Laws are always wanting to borrow money from us - sorry, it's a bit long!

  • He needs to read When Helping Hurts and Toxic Charity - both books written from a Christian perspective that explain why what he is doing is not helping, but rather hurting his family!

    He needs to lovingly help them, not by giving handouts, but by helping them stand on their own feet and be better stewards of their money. 

  • imageWendyGR:

    He needs to lovingly help them, not by giving handouts, but by helping them stand on their own feet and be better stewards of their money. 

    Yeah- all he's doing is enabling them.  They know that they can continue to make bad choices and he'll bail them out.  He isn't helping them.  Being a "good Christian" isn't only about $$$.
    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • imageFLsquirrel80:

    DH and I have worked hard to get where we are today.  We both have good jobs, live in a nice home, and are able to save a little each month to put towards retirement.  Don't get me wrong, we are not making tons of money, but we are conservative with our spending so we have a nice amount in our savings.  DH's family are not that way.  Due to bad financial choices in their life, everyone of my In Laws are struggling financially.  This includes my husband's parents.  My husband's siblings are all in their 30s and should know better. 

    Whenever anyone is in financial trouble, they come crying to DH and I to bail them out.  This year alone, we've been asked at least 10 times for loans from the inlaws.  I'm not talking little $200 loans.  These are $1000 loans.  They all know what to say to DH to pull on his heart strings and make him feel sorry for them.  A lot of times he will give them the loan because he feels bad for them and feels that as a Christian he should help his family.  This is driving me crazy because I feel like I don't work as hard as I do to support his lazy family.  I don't want their burden to be mine.  Anytime I get upset with DH about this he gets mad at me because he things I'm being too harsh on his family.  He always throws the Christian card at me saying it is the right thing to do to help family in need.  I'm worried that they are going to bring us down with them.  What do I do??? 

     

    Get a divorce

  • I dont see where you say they pay you back.  Do they?

    If they dont, they are not loans. 

    On the other hand, when I loan money, I dont think of it as a loan...I think of it as a gift and if they pay it back it is a bonus!  

     

     

  • imageEastCoastBride:
    imageWendyGR:

    He needs to lovingly help them, not by giving handouts, but by helping them stand on their own feet and be better stewards of their money. 

    Yeah- all he's doing is enabling them.  They know that they can continue to make bad choices and he'll bail them out.  He isn't helping them.  Being a "good Christian" isn't only about $$$.

    My mother deals with similar bs from her inlaws....my father's entire family, with the exception of one of his sisters, are all lazy screw-ups, have lots of issues of drug and alcohol abuse, and are always expecting handouts from everyone else or doing stuff to scam the system. I've seen them do this my whole life.

    I cannot even tell you how many fights my parents have gotten into over his family and their nonstop drama - and I get to hear about it from my mother all of the time. It sucks. It's been going on for years. My mother has basically told her inlaws not to call the house, not to come over - so they are pretty much cut out. Occasionally, the one sister will call randomly while she's completely wasted, but I don't think that's happened for a while. I do know that they will call my father's mobile phone but I think he doesn't bother to pick up and tries to limit contact with them too. I actually haven't seen them in like 7 years, and luckily my H has never been subjected to meeting them. Ultimately, my dad has been forced to choose between his family and his wife - I know it tears him up, and while I do feel bad because it is his family, they are just not good people. It took him a long time to really get to that point where enough was enough.

    Your H needs to do the same - it sucks. But bottom line - YOU are his family and he needs to put YOU first. Their financial problems cannot and should not be yours. His family's constant sponging off you guys is going to bite you in the a$$ later. Perhaps a 3rd neutral party counselor can help make your H realize this.

    And sorry - but I have to really side-eye the person who said you should get divorced. If you seek counseling and try all you can to fix the problem, and it does not work, then maybe divorce is the only option. But you need to try before giving up completely. 

    Oh, and also - I hope you guys have all of your stuff in order - like wills and such and make sure everything that is YOURS (you and your H) is clearly outlined as to who gets what etc etc....I say this because my father's family are the kings of taking full advantage when someone passes away without leaving their final wishes and getting money out of the deal when really, they do not deserve to get a thing. Long story, just make sure you have all of your stuff, assets, money - everything, protected from these leeches. 

  • imageFLsquirrel80:

    DH and I have worked hard to get where we are today.  We both have good jobs, live in a nice home, and are able to save a little each month to put towards retirement.  Don't get me wrong, we are not making tons of money, but we are conservative with our spending so we have a nice amount in our savings.  DH's family are not that way.  Due to bad financial choices in their life, everyone of my In Laws are struggling financially.  This includes my husband's parents.  My husband's siblings are all in their 30s and should know better. 

    Whenever anyone is in financial trouble, they come crying to DH and I to bail them out.  This year alone, we've been asked at least 10 times for loans from the inlaws.  I'm not talking little $200 loans.  These are $1000 loans.  They all know what to say to DH to pull on his heart strings and make him feel sorry for them.  A lot of times he will give them the loan because he feels bad for them and feels that as a Christian he should help his family.  This is driving me crazy because I feel like I don't work as hard as I do to support his lazy family.  I don't want their burden to be mine.  Anytime I get upset with DH about this he gets mad at me because he things I'm being too harsh on his family.  He always throws the Christian card at me saying it is the right thing to do to help family in need.  I'm worried that they are going to bring us down with them.  What do I do??? 



    Is this a cultural issue?

    If it is, bad news. That is expected in many cultures: for the kids to foot the bills for the parents.

    The bottom line is this:

    The bank of FLSquirrel80 and Husband is CLOSED, starting now.

    You will not see them repay a penny of what they have "borrowed" so write off that amount right now.

    And learn your lesson:

    Don't give anybody anywhere "loans." Particularly NOT family members.

    Tell them "Sorry but we are not financially able to help you any more" and if they get pissy,. divisive or threaten you, stand your ground. If this means they "cut you off" so be it: their problem, not YOURS and his.

    Be LIVID...because the money your H is giving them is yours, also, so this is "our money was given to his parents and family."

    You have an H problem, more than a "his family" problem. He needs to stand up to them and stand with you -- that's the bigger issue here. And if he refuses, rethink this guy. He'll not only bankrupt you thanks to his "bank antics" but this is also going to eventually drive one hell of a wedge between you; this won't come to a good end.

    BTW, YOU are now "HIS FAMILY", not his mother his dad or his siblings. "Forsaking all others" is the vow.

    GL.

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    My SIL doesn't make the best financial decisions. When H and I first got married we discussed whether we'd help her financially or not. We decided that only if she used it responsibly to better her and her two girls' lives. (She's had some spongy money-hungry crappy BFs that we didn't want to help support.)

    I think with some counseling and that book a pp suggested, you'll both learn a new way to interact (or not interact) with his family. Another option (an unhealthy one) is that your H can use his money fun money as 'loans' for his family. That way it's not just a bunch of money willy-nilly. I wish you luck whatever you both decide.

  • wow. being a good christian does not equal enabling continued bad behavior. remind your (apparently spineless) dh of that. until your dh grows a spine and learns to say no this will continue.

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  • He obviously needs to realize that he's "loaning" YOUR money, not HIS money to his family. You two will be bled dry by his family if this continues. What happens when you've loaned out your savings and an something happens, like one of you getting sick or losing a job? How are you going to make it then???
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  • Well this has nothing to do with being a Christian, it has everything to do with your husband  caring more about his  family more than you.  Which is ironic because that is unbiblical and why it states " A man shall leave his mother and  father and cleave to his  wife." 

    Think about this, would your church blindly hand money over to people who have a history of spending it poorly time and time again ?  I know my church certainly wouldn't.  So if your church and my church wouldn't give these people money, then would they be considered unchristianlike ?  Is your husband somehow more giving or compassionate that the leaders of your church ?  Of course not.  Just because you are a Christian, that doesn't mean God calls you to be a doormat and let people take advantage of you. 

    Listen, he is blowing smoke up your butt.  Your husband is a mama's boy or a daddy's boy and the Christian excuse, is simply that, an excuse and a poor one at that.  He would rather see his original family than see you happy. 

    If this continues to be a problem, I would suggest talking to a trusted clergyperson and maybe they could enlighten him about the error of his ways.  Although, it does touch upon a deeper issue of your husband not caring about your desires, feelings or comfort level and that is something that might need to be explored further in counseling.

    ETA: ok I read your post from 2011 and yep your  husband is a huge mama's boy.  Don't really know what to tell you about that except look into marriage counseling or come to terms with the fact that you will always play second fiddle to his mommy.

  • If he wants to this marriage to work he needs to respect your opinions on how your finances need to be handled. He is hurting his family by not letting them help themselves (throw that in retaliation to the Christian card). God first, wife second if he wants to go down that religious route. 

    You already know why loaning family money is toxic. He needs to understand that it's very wrong of him to use money shared in a marriage without your partners consent is very very wrong.

    I would even think about splitting the finances he doesn't take you seriously. If you cannot agree to stop giving my money away, don't expect to use it again.

  • The Bible is full of stories and parables of Jesus healing the blind, possessed, lame, mute, dead, etc.

    He does the healing. But the individual still has to work at it. He heals them. Done. And then He says, "Take your mat and get up and walk." Or something like that.

    This is applicable here.

    What your husband is doing is not Christlike at all. It isn't actually helping these people "get up and walk." What he is doing is allowing them to get money "healing" and not move their rumpuses from their mats.

    If he wants to help them, he may need to direct them to community help that can aid them in making better financial choices. Many churches do Financial Peace University. They maybe should check this out.

    Overall, you are not being wrong or sinful for feeling and thinking the way you are.

  • I never give money, but if someone is in dire straights I will help them out by buying them food, or paying a bill for them. That stops when I see them going out to eat every night or buying a new Lexus. There is a difference between being 'in need', and making poor financial decisions. And now your husband has created this open door policy, so everyone knows they can get money from him.

    By not listening to your concerns he is choosing his family over yours. My husband controls our finances, because he works in the field and it's much easier that way. However, if something like this happened in our marriage, I would certainly insist on taking over or having a larger role in where our money goes. If your husband has a problem saying no to his family, and if you don't mind being the 'bad guy', set it up so that your husband has to tell them that you control the money now so they have to ask you. 

    Another thing you may want to do is ask your husband to go to a marriage counselor to talk about how this situation can affect your marriage. Best of luck to you.

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  • oh. my. God. You just described my life...lol Other than the Christian part, I think I could have written this same post!!
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  • You and your husband need to get on the same page about giving money to his family.  (I say giving because I highly doubt that you will be paid back.)

    Your feelings are valid.  He is using the "Christian card" to guilt you because it has worked in the past.  It might help to discuss your financial goals for YOUR family and how giving out money is impacting those goals.  It might also be helpful to work with a counselor so that you have a neutral party mediating the discussion.

  • I used to be your husband.  I've always been the responsible one in my family, and whenever my siblings or even my mom needed money, they'd come running to me.  When I was younger and dumber and would make loans, sometimes just give them money knowing it wouldn't come back to me, even though I wasn't making nearly the money I'm making now, and I even went so far as to help them with my credit. A COLOSSAL mistake, which I am still paying for to this day.  It was actually my husband's temper to finally smack some sense into me (not literally of course).  I hated being in the position I was in, but because of the guilt factor I would give in pretty much every time.  But when it started coming between my husband and I's relationship, I knew I had to stop.  It took a while (and I thank him so much for putting up with it for as long as he did) but he gave me the courage to finally put my foot down.  I simply just started saying NO. That's what your husband needs to do.  If he wants to have a sit-down with all of them and explain that he is no longer going to be their personal cash advancer, more power to him.  But bottom line, he NEEDS to simply stop given them money.  No matter how much they kick, scream or try to make him feel guilty.  The more he says NO, the less they will ask and eventually, won't.  If he needs a reason, he can simply say that the two of you can no longer afford to do it anymore, nor should you have to.  There is nothing Christian about them leeching of of you guys and him being an enabler.  Sometimes, a bit of tough love is exactly what people need.

    So happy to be married to my best friend.
  • Exactly!

     

    Calmly talk to your husband and see what exactly their "need" is....(for thousands of dollars....definitely is bad financial choices there). Buy them a gift card to the grocery store or something if your husband insists still that they need "help". That way they have no choice but to use it on something actually useful.  

    Anniversary
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