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Husband and Inlaw Rant!!

Hi All! I need your advice. I have been married almost 3 years and my husband and I live in NYC, his mom and siblings live in FL. To make a long story short, he lived in FL before we got married however he could not find a job their and it became OUR financial ruin, we went through foreclosure of his house and a bankruptcy shortly after getting married.

 NYC has got us back on our feet, he had a full time job for a while, then we decided it was better for him to go to school full time and work part time so he could get that out of the way and start a career. I work full time with a salary that sustains, us, maybe its not enough to live large, but enough to get by.

I love my in laws but my issue is that they can be very controlling and they always need to get their way. My husband is like putty in their hands, he can be such a mommas boy! Sometimes I feel like he puts their needs before ours. In May his mother called him because she needed his help to move and he actually flew to FL to help her move and cancelled his summer class! He wasted time he could have been in school or worked; he drives taxi, he does not get money unless he works, which is basically pennies anyway to go to FL and he had to waste a lot of money for a last minute flight there.

 

A few minutes ago he calls to tell me his sister has gallstones she needs surgery and he wants to go to FL, im not trying to be insensitive but usually these surgeries are laproscopic. I told him to wait after the surgery and if he still wants to go then we will book him a flight. These surgeries are usually not that serious, i do not think it warrants us using the last of our savings to book a flight. Im not trying to be mean, but im the one making the money, paying the bills and its so annoying he keeps spending it on his mom and sister! he barely makes enough to pay for gas and groceries. I dont know what to do any more. then just now he tells me, why dont we move to FL! Seriously! I do not want to move to FL, I will never make the money I make here. I have student loans, a loan to my mother, and car payment. He does not have a college degree so school would have to be put back again and we would go through the same cycle again! I cant take it. He says if we move he wont have to keep traveling, seriously I know people who are married and live in other states as their parents and do not visit as much. My grandfather lives in Canada and when he gets the flu my mother does not pick up and go to Canada. My husband fails to see he has responsibility to me, to OUR family. He acts like he needs to be the man of the house for his mother and sisters house! They both have boyfriends. Let them take care of it! 

I am so annoyed right now. I do not know what to do, and how to get him to see reason, we cannot afford for him to keep going when they call. He needs to man up and realize I am his family. I understand he misses them but seriously we dont have the money for him to keep doing this.

What do you think I should do? Any advice appreciated.

 

Thanks 

Re: Husband and Inlaw Rant!!

  • THIS is your problem: YOUR HUSBAND.

    NOT your ILs:

     My husband is like putty in their hands, he can be such a mommas boy! Sometimes I feel like he puts their needs before ours.

    You knew this straight away when you began dating him.

    That is when you straight away should have done yourself a favor and moved on.

    As you can see, there is no change --- in fact, the problem is infinitely worse, now that you are coping with his immaturity, spinelessness and inability to stand with YOU day in and day out.

    YOU are his family now.

    Not his mom and dad, his siblings or his cousins or anybody else. When he married you, you became his new family unit, the same as he became yours.

    I also want to know if this is a cultural issue: is he of another race or nationality? Because if he is, you have a problem that culture can't transverse. It is common -- and expected -- in many cultures and nationalities that the wife take a back seat to the husband's parents and siblings.

    Here is another problem:

    You -- and he --- need financial counseling -- because you and he do not understand that once you are married, your money and his money equals OUR MONEY.

    He also doesn't get it that anything involving money has to be decided upon JOINTLY by you and him together. In other words, if the both of you do not decide yes to spending money on x, y or z, that's that. Case closed.

    I do not blame you for being po'd that he's spending your money and his on something that the both of you did NOT fully agree upon, but sheesh...the money that you earn is now OUR MONEY, not just yours. You need to understand that.

    Do not move to Florida. You know where this funk and nonsense will begin...and end up.

    What you need to do:

    DEMAND COUNSELING for the both of you.

    Make this a MUST -- I would, in fact, tell him that if he does not go, your marriage is OVER.

    Demand that he puts you first NOW or that'll be it. Nip this in the bud.

    As I said, your only recourse was to say goodbye to him when you were dating, once you saw how his family had him by the short hairs. You can't win in a case like this --- see if he will go to counseling. I'm serious about it being contingent with the continuation of your marriage. GL.

  • Thank you for your advice. You are right, it is our money. I am just so frustrated. I never realized before how much he would sway to his families beck and call before. I guess I did not want to see it. You are right, we need counseling. I am in over my head. He does not see what he does is wrong. There is a cultural difference, and that is largely why ALL the women of his family are very controlling, that is another story. We do have other marriage issues, and as you can see money is one of them. We have tried marriage counseling, he didn't like it, he stopped going after two sessions. I just do not know what to do anymore. I love him so much, I do not want to walk away because of this.
  • Yours is a bigger problem than you might realize. The dynamics of your marriage are all unhealthy and basically wrong. 

    Go to counseling, couple's and financial. It is absolutely imperative that you two focus on straighten out your life, relationship-wise, career-wise, financially etc... Get FL, the ILs and all that nonsense out of the picture because the only real family (read: YOU TWO) needs some working on right now. 


  • It sounds like he is unhappy in New York, why wouldn't he want to live in Florida? Living in New York he has a crap job, barely contributes to the household income, is going to school and you guys "get by" but probably can't afford to live the idyllic NY lifestyle. In Florida he may still have a crap job and you may struggle but at least he'd have his family.

    He sounds like somone that is just really close to his family and that's okay, but I think that you may want to talk with him about whether or not he's happy in New York, why or why not, how can that be improved and is it really in the best interest of you as a couple to be there or not.

    I'd also maybe discuss putting a time stamp on your location. Like, we agreed to try NY, and we need to give it a fair shot. A fair shot is 2 years, and set some re-evaluation points and achievement markers - measurable and fair achievement markers like by xxx we want to save xxx by doing xxx. Then when you evaluate how your move is progressing, you can see if you've met or not met those markers, which could be indicative of whether or not this is the place for you both. By xxx we will have visited your family in FL xxx times. By xxx you will be finished school. This month we are going to see xxx in NY (start experiencing and enjoying New York. Once we did that with London we started liking it a lot more).

    If he feels that it's not a permanent move he may not feel so compelled to cling to his family back "home" and who knows, within the next 2 years he may really change his views on New York.

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  • WahooWahoo member
    Ancient Membership 2500 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    I would tell him that if he does not take school seriously, then he will have to pay for it on his own.  Seriously - this is what I would tell a child, I would not feel the need to tell and adult this.  He cancelled his class - just didn't go to class that DAY, or cancelled that class for the summer / semester?  If it is the latter, then tell him he'll have to take loans out (in HIS name only) because you don't see the dedication from him that you would expect from someone going to school FT.  If he wants economic freedom to see his parents regularly, then school and a budget while he works PT is not for him/you as a couple.

    You married a mama's boy, and are shocked that he wants to "go home" to see his family?

    You married a man who was in bankruptcy, and are surprised that he makes poor financial choices?

    I would separate yourself from him financially.  As long as you are supporting his trips, he will never understand.  Cancel any joint credit cards, tell him to work FT, and that you expect him to pay 1/2 of the expenses.  I know PLENTY of people who went to school in NYC part time (business school, film school, law school - it CAN be done!).  Insist on marriage counseling (find someone who specializes in inter-cultural marriages) and financial counseling as well.

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • Wants to go home to see them?

    THis is the wonder of the age of electronic communication! Let him email them or skype them. No "need" for him to go the heck home.

    And it's only 1800 miles down the road. sheesh.

    You guys need a marriage counselor that specializes in cultural differences. I will bet anything that he's Cuban. That's a goldmine and motherload for cultural messes and where the family controls everything.

    To me, if your H was born here, he is an AMERICAN. Time for him to assume the American culture: people blend IN. They assimilate, they don't keep unto their old lifestyle.

    If he will not attend counseling, very bad news. THis is all about being committed to your marriage and making sure your spouse is HAPPY. That's what he has failed to do: make you happy --- and this is a character issue now.

    If you are spiritual or religious, speak to your clergyperson. He or she will tell you that there is a vow called "Forsaking all others" -- that means you put your spouse FIRST above all -- and he has not done that.

    He needs to get with the program.

    This is what you need to do: sit him down and tell him what you told us -- and tell him that he needs to start putting you first.

    You either put up with a lifetime of this nonsense --- or you decide to pack it in and go. You're going to keep coming in last in this entire scenario -- he's married to an American, he was born here so wow, that's that. THere should be no problem...but alas, there is.

  • I'm not sure what him being born in America has to do with anything at all in this conversation. That's the most ridiculous logic I've seen on here and OP, if you go into a discussion with him leading with that you're in trouble. I'm also not sure what exactly blending into and assimilating into the American culture is all about. I wouldn't even say there's a lifestyle/culture that is the same between two towns. The "American" culture is not the same in Miami as in Alabama as in California as in New England... He may have been born American (not sure if you mentioned that in the original post), but you married him knowing what he's like. If you don't like where things are headed, you need to try to find a way to work it out with him that works for both of you. But, please, don't tell him that he's needs to "act like an American now" because, wow, that's idiotic. 

     

  • When I'm asked to help with something back home, I ask my family to chip in on my ticket. They don't mind because I'm coming to help them with a project. Maybe he could ask his family for money to cover his travels.

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  • imageWahoo:

    I would tell him that if he does not take school seriously, then he will have to pay for it on his own.  Seriously - this is what I would tell a child, I would not feel the need to tell and adult this.  He cancelled his class - just didn't go to class that DAY, or cancelled that class for the summer / semester?  If it is the latter, then tell him he'll have to take loans out (in HIS name only) because you don't see the dedication from him that you would expect from someone going to school FT.  If he wants economic freedom to see his parents regularly, then school and a budget while he works PT is not for him/you as a couple.

    You married a mama's boy, and are shocked that he wants to "go home" to see his family?

    You married a man who was in bankruptcy, and are surprised that he makes poor financial choices?

    I would separate yourself from him financially.  As long as you are supporting his trips, he will never understand.  Cancel any joint credit cards, tell him to work FT, and that you expect him to pay 1/2 of the expenses.  I know PLENTY of people who went to school in NYC part time (business school, film school, law school - it CAN be done!).  Insist on marriage counseling (find someone who specializes in inter-cultural marriages) and financial counseling as well.

     

    I'm with Wahoo on all of this.  He's kind of a childish dud, it seems.

    image
  • first i'm sorry you're going through this. it sounds like youre ina really difficult spot.

    second-my red flag would've been 'he doesnt like counseling and only went twice'. whats he doing being married then? how is he contributing to the marriage? he doesn't put you first, doens't put his schooling that you're paying for first, doesn't put your (as in your and his) goals first, and doesn't put your feelings first. and when he went to FL the last time why on EARTH did he cancel all of his summer classes? he couldn't not gone for 2 or 3 days and gone to FL but the whole summer? what the hell? and you paid for his ticket and i'm sure other stuff while he was there.

    why not cut him off? dont give him the $$ to pay for the ticket this time or anything else.

    really-is there a point to this marriage? i'm sorry to say but unless he really gets his sh!t together I'd find the door. and fast. and with separate bank accounts.

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