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grieving mother gift?

So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

Re: grieving mother gift?

  • image kaseykins:

    So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

    I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

    I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

    A overdose of what?

  • image PioneerWedding:
    image kaseykins:

    So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

    I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

    I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

    A overdose of what?

    Why on earth does that matter?

    I think a necklace is a very nice idea.  I'd probably go with her son's initials.

     

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  • It's probably too soon.

    My sister died 16 years ago. For the nosy-Parker (overdose on what?) who will invariably ask "How?"- she had AIDS and she had been a heroine addict. I watched my parents live this special hell and, frankly, this jewelry idea is not a good one at this moment.

    The haze that follows such an event is not a time for making gestures. She may react in a cutting way- she's very raw right now. I could imagine a woman who just lost her son saying something unkind to a person who gave her some shiny trinket right now. A better appropoach is to be there and help clean up the mess if she's next of kin. Be supportive, protect her from as much evidence of his bad choices (cleaning out his apartment/room will be hard) and be ready to listen.

    Then, in 6 months to a year, you can revisit this. Maybe a memorial donation to a place where she has better memories- little league, the local library or the school he attended. Maybe a tree or bench in a park. Call her on his birthday.

  • As a grieving mother myself ( however my baby was 4 months old), I have to agree with Auntie.  Now is not t he time to get her something.  Besides,  I believe that a piece of jewelry or a memorial for a deceased child is so highly personal, that it is best done by the parent themselves.  I had people want to do those kind of gifts for me, and although I understood that their hearts were in the right place,  it still wasn't appropriate for someone else to do something like that for me.  It is very hard to explain, but if there was a memorial for my daughter, I would want to be the one to pick out everything, if I even wanted one in the first place.  If you were willing to do it, I would say something after some time has passed and tell her that you guys would be willing to pay for something that she can pick out if she felt comfortably with that. 

    Honestly, the best gift you can give her right now is food.  Trust me, when you are grieving you hardly have enough energy to make a sandwich. I found that the mostly loving thing that people did for me was bring our family a homemade meal. 

  • image stw_77:

    As a grieving mother myself ( however my baby was 4 months old), I have to agree with Auntie.  Now is not t he time to get her something.  Besides,  I believe that a piece of jewelry or a memorial for a deceased child is so highly personal, that it is best done by the parent themselves.  I had people want to do those kind of gifts for me, and although I understood that their hearts were in the right place,  it still wasn't appropriate for someone else to do something like that for me.  It is very hard to explain, but if there was a memorial for my daughter, I would want to be the one to pick out everything, if I even wanted one in the first place.  If you were willing to do it, I would say something after some time has passed and tell her that you guys would be willing to pay for something that she can pick out if she felt comfortably with that. 

    Honestly, the best gift you can give her right now is food.  Trust me, when you are grieving you hardly have enough energy to make a sandwich. I found that the mostly loving thing that people did for me was bring our family a homemade meal. 

    Exactly. People in mourning need to eat but often don't have the time or desire to cook. A nice gesture would be to mobilize friends, neighbors, her church family if she has one, and family to come up with a plan for the next few weeks about providing meals. You set the schedule and call people and invite them to cook on days they choose. Just have them be mindful of your MILs dietary concerns, if any exist, or allergies.

  • I think right now you should give the gift of you...listen to her, offer to go with to plan various things, offer to help clean her house (she will likely have company), make meals, run errands like going to the grocery store
  • I agree with the others. Take her meals. Offer to clean up the kitchen. Just listen to her. If they are having services, help arrange food drop offs from others. Prepare plates for the immediate family. Clean up afterwards. See if she needs dry cleaning dropped off or picked up. Run little errands for her (drugstore, grocery, etc.).Encourage her to take walks or naps. Maybe your husband can take a walk with her. Food and rest are the main thing the parents and siblings are going to need right now. I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone
    "Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
  • image -auntie-:

    It's probably too soon.

    My sister died 16 years ago. For the nosy-Parker (overdose on what?) who will invariably ask "How?"- she had AIDS and she had been a heroine addict. I watched my parents live this special hell and, frankly, this jewelry idea is not a good one at this moment.

    The haze that follows such an event is not a time for making gestures. She may react in a cutting way- she's very raw right now. I could imagine a woman who just lost her son saying something unkind to a person who gave her some shiny trinket right now. A better appropoach is to be there and help clean up the mess if she's next of kin. Be supportive, protect her from as much evidence of his bad choices (cleaning out his apartment/room will be hard) and be ready to listen.

    Then, in 6 months to a year, you can revisit this. Maybe a memorial donation to a place where she has better memories- little league, the local library or the school he attended. Maybe a tree or bench in a park. Call her on his birthday.

     

    thank you for this, I had no idea. I just feel so bad cause I'm not living in the area anymore and I'd do anything for my MIL. I can see that its way too soon to do anything. The other part is her Birthday is tomorrow. It is awful timing for this, not that there's ever a good time. So should we ignore her birthday too? I'm sure she won't want to celebrate it at all right now

  • Yes ignore her birthday for now.  She needs time to mourn and grieve, not being cheered up. 

    Celebrate in a few months.

    Oh I also forgot something.  Our church group helped to pay for grief counseling for us.  Like food, that was the best thing anyone could have done for us.  It meant so so so much more to us than a necklace, or a tree.

  • image stw_77:

    Yes ignore her birthday for now.  She needs time to mourn and grieve, not being cheered up. 

    Celebrate in a few months.

    Oh I also forgot something.  Our church group helped to pay for grief counseling for us.  Like food, that was the best thing anyone could have done for us.  It meant so so so much more to us than a necklace, or a tree.

    thank you so much for your help. I really appreciate it. and I'm so sorry for your loss, its never easy when you lose a child. I couldn't even imagine what that feels like.

  • image PioneerWedding:
    image kaseykins:

    So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

    I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

    I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

    A overdose of what?

     

    Drugs, what else could it be?

  • As for her birthday, I would just give her a big hug and tell her that you love her.  I would acknowledge it, but a celebration of any sort would be inappropriate. Are you and your husband traveling to be with his parents? When are the services?
    Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone
    "Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
  • image Kimbus22:
    image PioneerWedding:
    image kaseykins:

    So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

    I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

    I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

    A overdose of what?

    Why on earth does that matter?

    I think a necklace is a very nice idea.  I'd probably go with her son's initials.

     

     

    It matters because she want to know

  • image ParasiteEve:
    image Kimbus22:
    image PioneerWedding:
    image kaseykins:

    So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

    I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

    I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

    A overdose of what?

    Why on earth does that matter?

    I think a necklace is a very nice idea.  I'd probably go with her son's initials.

     

     

    It matters because she want to know

     

    I would say its none of your business. that's enough information for everyone to understand. 

  • image PnkBride:
    As for her birthday, I would just give her a big hug and tell her that you love her.  I would acknowledge it, but a celebration of any sort would be inappropriate. Are you and your husband traveling to be with his parents? When are the services?

    We are flying back home this weekend for the funeral. we'll be there a day after MIL's birthday.  DH wants to get his mom a gift....is that a good idea? maybe we can just leave it there and let her open if when she wants?  

  • I would wait on the gift.  Or leave the gift for her but not tell her it is there right away.  You truly are a caring DIL.

    She is in a very emotional situation and any trinket or token may be associated with the grief.  You intentions are good, it is just really hard to feel/see the good in things when you are in such an emotional pit.  I would make the effort to talk daily or every other day to show you care.  Or tell her of a day you would like to go do (like a massage, tea, a movie, etc.) something that would help her adjust - it could be utilitzed months from now.

    Besides food, grieving people need help in a variety of ways.  If you are able to clean the house - that is great.  People are constantly stopping over.  Another thing that people forget about is paper plates, plastic silverware, napkins, toilet paper, garbage bags, tupperware containers to store the food delievered by family and friends.

  • ITA with PP... I would do something for her to commemorate her daughter, just not right now. It's too soon right now.  But food... necessary things that people need for the house... excellent idea.  

    I'm sending T&Ps to your whole family. 

  • image kaseykins:
    image ParasiteEve:
    image Kimbus22:
    image PioneerWedding:
    image kaseykins:

    So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

    I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

    I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

    A overdose of what?

    Why on earth does that matter?

    I think a necklace is a very nice idea.  I'd probably go with her son's initials.

     

     

    It matters because she want to know

     

    I would say its none of your business. that's enough information for everyone to understand. 

     Oh please! It is drugs, nobody overdose on anything but drugs so I know it is drugs, you are just too embarrassed to say it

  • My opinion is it's too soon to give a personalized gift.  I'd say for now, go over with food of some sort and see if there's anything you can do to help make their life a little easier for the next few days.  The first few days, weeks, even months after an intense loss is very surreal and the best thing to have is support.

    [IMG]http://i45.tinypic.com/2ivekut.jpg[/IMG]

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  • image ParasiteEve:
    image kaseykins:
    image ParasiteEve:
    image Kimbus22:
    image PioneerWedding:
    image kaseykins:

    So as I posted earlier my DH lost his brother this morning in an overdose. I want to get a sympathy/memorial gift for his mom since she is the one who found him. 

    I need ideas... I was thinking maybe a necklace engraved with a sympathetic message  or a memorial stone for her garden?  

    I tried searching online but everything I found is loss of baby not loss of 24 year old son.... so i'm kinda clueless 

    A overdose of what?

    Why on earth does that matter?

    I think a necklace is a very nice idea.  I'd probably go with her son's initials.

     

     

    It matters because she want to know

     

    I would say its none of your business. that's enough information for everyone to understand. 

     Oh please! It is drugs, nobody overdose on anything but drugs so I know it is drugs, you are just too embarrassed to say it

    What is your problem? Leave the poor woman alone! She said it's none of your business. Would you be so damn flippant about the death of YOUR loved one. She doesn't want to give everyone details about it. She is looking for advice to help her MIL, not to share the sad details of what happened.
    To the poster - my heart goes out to your MIL and you and your husband. I hope that in time everyone is able to put the grief behind them and remember the good and happy times with him.

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  • Kay don't worry about responding to ParasiteEve, she's a troll who needs to go back under her bridge. Looking at her profile and seeing what she's written on other posts she's just looking for attention and to ruffle some feathers. She's either a very sad individual or a very bored teenager, either way I'd say ignore her and report her if you can.

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