Family Matters
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Mom is hurt about post-wedding criticism

Man, what my mom just told me sounded really awful.

Apparently, a neighbor who has been close with our family since I was a little girl was over my parents' for the 4th of July with her husband. They both traveled a very long distance for my wedding (from CT to Yosemite Nat'l Park in CA) and it was a very big trip for them. We were so grateful they were there. Unfortunately, our neighbor friend (who has never been one to hide her criticism) let her true feelings show last night and criticized many details of the wedding for I guess close to an hour (down to the poem I selected to have my mom read during our ceremony). Obviously, this sort of thing is at least inappropriate, if not hurtful. My mom overreacted after trying to brush it off for a while and our friend and her husband left the house very angry. My mom has no plans to apologize and I think she's right to feel that way.

 Of course we were stressed about wedding details for months prior to the wedding and tried to make our guests as welcome and comfortable as possible (welcome bags in all the rooms, hosted activities throughout the whole weekend outside of the wedding and reception, a website was up a year in advance with info about the park, a large block of rooms to make it easier to get a place to stay near to the ceremony/reception venue, etc. etc.). There will always be people who are unsatisfied, but we did the best we could.

My biggest concern is to make my mom feel better; not my job, I know, but it nearly breaks my heart that after all her support and energy toward the wedding, she has to wonder how well it actually went off. We're both quite sensitive and she's worried that the eighty other guests felt the same way (read: hated the wedding). I don't think that's the case and of course, it doesn't even matter now if it was.

 Is there anything I can say or an article you've come across that I can send her way so she might put the grief over neighbor's rudeness in perspective?

Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Wedding tickers

Re: Mom is hurt about post-wedding criticism

  • What exactly did they complain about?

    Is it a possibility that the service was bad, not good, lacklustre, etc for whatever it is they are complaining about and they were merely trying to let your mother know about it?

    Why should you pay for something where the product or service rendered was not 100% satisfactory?

    This doesn't sound like your neighbors to me --- like I said, they had a legitimate complaint and they were trying to let your mother know?
  • Complaining down to the poem your mom read? Hearing complaints about aspects of a daughter's wedding that were most likely, in reality, amazing and thoughtful is irritating enough but then to criticize a loving display of affection? I understand and support your mother as well.

    The reason I believe that your accommodations were on point, well planned, well services, and thoughtful is not only because it looks like you did everything in advance with attention to detail but also bc your neighbors threw in petty complaints about a freaking poem. That tells me that it's NOT about the service, it's either someone who is having bad issues outside of what they're talking about and want others to feel just as down or they are jealous and want to downplay someone's successful wedding.

    Either way, not your mother's problem. It's rude to say those things to her and i would probably try to ease her mind about how the wedding went by telling her that it all sounds too petty to be legitimate complaints. The neighbor may be unsatisfied with something in their own personal life and wanted to rain on your (mom) parade. Do not let them taint the memory of the beautiful wedding. Instead, recognize that they may not be happy for you  and those who put down other's efforts should not be taken seriously in what they say. 

  • imageMrs Villar:

    Complaining down to the poem your mom read? Hearing complaints about aspects of a daughter's wedding that were most likely, in reality, amazing and thoughtful is irritating enough but then to criticize a loving display of affection? I understand and support your mother as well.

    The reason I believe that your accommodations were on point, well planned, well services, and thoughtful is not only because it looks like you did everything in advance with attention to detail but also bc your neighbors threw in petty complaints about a freaking poem. That tells me that it's NOT about the service, it's either someone who is having bad issues outside of what they're talking about and want others to feel just as down or they are jealous and want to downplay someone's successful wedding.

    Either way, not your mother's problem. It's rude to say those things to her and i would probably try to ease her mind about how the wedding went by telling her that it all sounds too petty to be legitimate complaints. The neighbor may be unsatisfied with something in their own personal life and wanted to rain on your (mom) parade. Do not let them taint the memory of the beautiful wedding. Instead, recognize that they may not be happy for you  and those who put down other's efforts should not be taken seriously in what they say. 

    This whole paragraph. Well said. It is clear that you made efforts to accomodate your guests at what sounds like a destination wedding. And, you won't make everyone happy. I'm really shocked this woman felt it necessary to say things of this nature. Was alcohol involved at all and perhaps she had a too loose tongue (not an excuse, but a better explanation for why this could have happened)?

    If you and your DH, your Mom and anyone else who paid for the wedding were satisified and pleased, then who the heck cares what that lady thinks! She should never leave CT again...better just stay inside and watch re-runs of something.

  • I can't believe these people had the nerve to sit there and complain like that. Your wedding was not an event that these people paid tickets for; you weren't there to entertain them. Your guests were there to celebrate you and your spouse, not critique everything about your celebration.

    With that being said, you admitted that both you and your mom are sensitive. My mother is extremely sensitive too, and often will take a normal comment and take it as criticism. She  spends most of her time trying to please other people and it makes her miserable. Unfortunately the only thing you or your mother can do is change the way you think. Not everyone is going to like everything about you and what you do, and you have to be ok with that.

    [IMG]http://i48.tinypic.com/des47b.jpg[/IMG]
  • imagerakle99:

    With that being said, you admitted that both you and your mom are sensitive. My mother is extremely sensitive too, and often will take a normal comment and take it as criticism. She  spends most of her time trying to please other people and it makes her miserable. Unfortunately the only thing you or your mother can do is change the way you think. Not everyone is going to like everything about you and what you do, and you have to be ok with that. 

    This, exactly.   Criticizing your wedding, and throwing in petty complaints about the poem that was read and so forth, was rude of the neighbor, and it's natural that your mom would feel hurt.  That said- it speaks a lot more to the relationship of your mom and the neighbor than to whether or not the wedding went as well as your mom thought.  For starters, as you pointed out, there's nothing to do about it now.  The wedding is over, the poem is read, it can't be undone.  For seconds- since you describe the neighbor as never having been one to hold back her opinion, and your mom as being quite sensitive, that seems more the issue at hand.  

    As far as being sensitive- I agree that the neighbor was way out of line and that you and your mom have every right to feel hurt that she was critical.  That said, letting it make you question whether all other 80 guests also have criticisms, or being heartbroken or feeling really awful, is giving this incident more power over your lives than it deserves.  All the response that this deserves is, "What an awful thing for her to say! I thought the poem was lovely, and I'm glad you read it." And then if your mom continues to worry over it to you, say, "Mom, the neighbor was rude, but I don't want to worry over how the wedding went or if anybody else felt the same way.  We all worked hard and had a wonderful time, and now (Husband) and I are happily married.  Life is good!" 

  • imagerakle99:

    I can't believe these people had the nerve to sit there and complain like that. Your wedding was not an event that these people paid tickets for; you weren't there to entertain them. Your guests were there to celebrate you and your spouse, not critique everything about your celebration.

    I agree. OP look at it this way, it's positive that your neighbors finally showed their true colors. Weddings have their way to bring those out of a number of people, unfortunately. These people are no exception and since they are clearly a petty, disrespectful, ungrateful bunch with no class nor manners, I wouldn't waste another moment re-thinking your wedding because of what they said. From now on you'll know who they really are, which gives you the power to behave accordingly. Take it as one of life's many lessons and cheer up! 


  • Thank you, everyone, for your comments.

    You're all spot on. I called my mom last night and reassured her that the wedding was great--not to worry (I mean, what's the point in that anyway?) I also reminded her that when we were planning and trying to accommodate in-laws, etc., that the only thing we could know for sure was that someone would be dissatisfied or offended about something. (How pessimistic, I know, but I think we were preparing ourselves for this type of thing.) She remembered that we had discussed that before the wedding and seemed to take some comfort in it. I also suggested that she distance herself from her neighbor until she feels better.

    It seems this sort of thing has happened for years with my mom's friend--her friend for whatever reason seems to try to tear my mom down sometimes--and I'm not sure how quickly they're going to recover from this occurrence. Mom even said she really didn't think her friend would go so far as to target the wedding. There was alcohol involved--4th of July and all--which I'm sure just made everything worse once the cat was out of the bag.

    I think I can learn from this as well, since I also tend to be too sensitive and blow things out of proportion. I think my mom and I both have to trust our gut and realize that the neighbor was rude and move on with our lives (which as of last night, it looks like we're both doing).

    As an aside, I appreciate the first comment, that perhaps the service WAS bad. Yes, perhaps it was. I really don't think so and other than my mom's friend, we have no reason to believe it was. In any case, everything's all paid for--the wedding was two months ago--so there's no use worrying about it now!

    Thanks again!


    Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Wedding tickers
  • To be honest, I wouldn't be trying to look-up articles on rude wedding guests to make your mother feel better, I'd be looking to secure an alibi for when she burns that FCKING lady's house down.

    What an assshole.

  • I think it's a good decision your mom is making by keeping this couple at a distance.  Really, the wedding was over, unless the neighbor felt your mom deserved her money back, there was no reason to say anything negative. 
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards