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Wedding with no parents :(

Hi everyone,

 I got engaged about a month ago.  I am marrying the man of my dreams.  I can not wait to be his wife.  I am struggling with my family.  My father passed away in 2009 and my mother and I use to talk about her giving me away and last year she passed away.  They were the most important people to me, and now they will not even be there.  My Fiances family has not been very welcoming, actually the opposite, talking about me and disliking me.  He obviously wants his family at the wedding, and I am trying to be nice, but his grandparents have talked bad about me, his parents and his brothers.  Things are better with his mom, but she is the only one.  I know if my parents were alive they would be so excited and no one in his family is excited.  They are not helping pay or plan ANYTHING and I have reached out SEVERAL times.  My parents would at least HELP pay and be involved.  The sad thing is that because my parents have been sick for so long before they passed, my role was to take care of them, so I basically lost my friendships and have not built any new ones yet.  I always dreamed of my wedding with my closest friends and dreamed of dancing with my daddy.  I don't want to spend 30K for a wedding for his family but I also have always dreamed of a wedding.  I do not know what to do!!!! I don't want to wait to marry the man I want to be with either.  Any ideas?

Re: Wedding with no parents :(

  • If it were me, I would take 20K and put it in the bank, take the other 10K and have a destination wedding with just your FI's parents, then stay and have a wonderful, long honeymoon. Seriously!

    You still get your "wedding". His parents get to be there. And you will have a honeymoon to talk about for years.

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  • imageBeachbabi85:

    Hi everyone,

     I got engaged about a month ago.  I am marrying the man of my dreams.  I can not wait to be his wife.  I am struggling with my family.  My father passed away in 2009 and my mother and I use to talk about her giving me away and last year she passed away.  They were the most important people to me, and now they will not even be there.  My Fiances family has not been very welcoming, actually the opposite, talking about me and disliking me.  He obviously wants his family at the wedding, and I am trying to be nice, but his grandparents have talked bad about me, his parents and his brothers.  Things are better with his mom, but she is the only one.  I know if my parents were alive they would be so excited and no one in his family is excited.  They are not helping pay or plan ANYTHING and I have reached out SEVERAL times.  My parents would at least HELP pay and be involved.  The sad thing is that because my parents have been sick for so long before they passed, my role was to take care of them, so I basically lost my friendships and have not built any new ones yet.  I always dreamed of my wedding with my closest friends and dreamed of dancing with my daddy.  I don't want to spend 30K for a wedding for his family but I also have always dreamed of a wedding.  I do not know what to do!!!! I don't want to wait to marry the man I want to be with either.  Any ideas?

     I am sorry that you are struggling with having lost both your parents, that must be really difficult.  

     BUT, that being said, it is in no way your f-IL's responsibility to pay for or help you plan the wedding.  If you and FI want to get married then it is YOUR responsibility to pay and plan.  Yes, it would be nice for them to reach out and help, but it is not something they are obliged to do.

     Lastly, WHY do you want to be so involved with this family if they have acted in ways that show you they don't like you or want to be involved in the wedding?

    Also, are you seriously thinking through what marrying into this family will be like for you? It will NOT get better or change.....so you only have yourself to blame when you are on here in the future complaining about MIL drama!

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  • A - no ones responsibility to pay for your wedding but you and DH. 

    B - his family treats you like crap.  What does HE do about it?  Does he defend you, back you up?  Or.... what?  Because if he doesn't defend you now, getting married won't change this about him.

     

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  • Why are you marrying a man who allows his family to treat you in these ways?
  • Your most immediate problem:

    These people --- soon to be family members -- have been downright rotten to you.

    Why?

    And another problem: I see nothing here about your FI standing up for you and telling these rotten relatives of his to stuff it until they treat you civilly and with respect.

    This is VERY bad news, that he will not take your side. That's not a grown man, IMO.

    What's going on here? Why hasn't he been more proactive and, quite frankly, been more of a MAN about it?

    And why haven't you questioned his tacitness...and questioned marrying HIM, because of his silence regarding how you are treated???

    I have been there, too, with rotten relatives on the H's side --- I did not find out until after the wedding that his bro and SIL did not like me --- and it's not a good feeling.

    I would not want to marry into a family that is not warm and welcoming -- and I'd side eye a "FI" who does zero to take your side.

    My advice:

    DO not marry this guy until he takes a stand for you. Preferably in front of YOU with you right there -- and if they are this nasty and divisive, perhaps it is better you cut the entire dirty lot out of your lives.

    If he won't take a stand or refuses, or gives you excuses?

    RETHINK HIM.

    YOU are to be HIS FAMILY after you are married: the vow is "forsaking all others." That means the rest of them do not apply as "family" --- only YOU and HE do.

    He'd better understand what a marriage dynamic is and what a healthy one is --- and right now, he sure does not. GL.

    PS: if this is cultural, the problem is worse. It's accepted in certain cultures that the wife takes a back seat to the H's mother, father, siblings, etc.
  • Sorry to hear about your parents.

    I don't agree with pp about rethinking him. You aren't marrying his family, you are marrying the man HE is.

    Also, you will regret having a BIG wedding. Really, it is just for pictures to show off. And most people will say they are coming and half the people will show up and you will be disappointed. I have been to too many weddings where this has happened. $30K for a wedding is pretty huge for a one day few hour event...and mainly be his family. Use that money for an awesome honeymoon!! That way the money is for YOU AND HIM!

    That is just my opinion. Take it or leave it! Congrats on getting engaged and GL! :)

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  • imageBeachbabi85:

     They are not helping pay or plan ANYTHING and I have reached out SEVERAL times.  

    I wonder if this is part of the problem? You haven't said why they don't like you . . . 

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

     I'm sorry your parents died.

    My ILs only planned and paid for the rehearsal dinner and had no input monetary or otherwise on anything else. My parents and sisters only helped when I asked. It was my wedding and therefore my job to plan and pay for things.

    I'm with pp about your FI being on your side and defending you when your future ILs say or do mean things to you. It should not be acceptable. 

     

  • I'm so sorry about your parents. It's very difficult to be a young adult in the world all on your own.

    How long have you known your FI? Given the trauma you have been through in caring for and losing your parents, I wonder if you are are not approaching this marriage with unrealistic expectations. As if your FI and his family are a quick fix to the holes in your life.

    I'm always suspicious of the BTB who's dreams of marriage are so focused on the wedding (being given away, dancing with daddy) rather than the adventure that is marriage (building a home and family together). It seems a little immature. Your wedding is one day.

    It's your job to host and pay for your own wedding. The POG, traditionally, have no role in funding their son's wedding. Still, they shouldn't trash talk. What is your FI doing when this happens and why would you host a party that includes them? You can't make them love you, but you can build boundaries around which you can respect yourself. If this marriage is truly what you think is right for you, elope somewhere wonderful.

     

     

  • image-auntie-:

    I'm so sorry about your parents. It's very difficult to be a young adult in the world all on your own.

    How long have you known your FI? Given the trauma you have been through in caring for and losing your parents, I wonder if you are are not approaching this marriage with unrealistic expectations. As if your FI and his family are a quick fix to the holes in your life.

    I'm always suspicious of the BTB who's dreams of marriage are so focused on the wedding (being given away, dancing with daddy) rather than the adventure that is marriage (building a home and family together). It seems a little immature. Your wedding is one day.

    It's your job to host and pay for your own wedding. The POG, traditionally, have no role in funding their son's wedding. Still, they shouldn't trash talk. What is your FI doing when this happens and why would you host a party that includes them? You can't make them love you, but you can build boundaries around which you can respect yourself. If this marriage is truly what you think is right for you, elope somewhere wonderful.



    Unless the bridegroom is Chinese, Asian Indian or, I believe, Japanese, the groom's  parents pay for nothing.:)

    I don't know what the story is here; are you and he rather young and you want others to chip in to help pay for your day, being you're on minimal funding? Sheesh....you mentioned a tab of 30 GRAND!

    You could have a wedding for a tenth of that cost --- and what's up with the money situation, anyway? You and he are working, you and he pay for the wedding. Period.

    You have a wedding with a pool of funds that are available to you and him right now and you budget based on that sum of money.

    Don't go into hock for a day and do not hold out your hand, waiting for his parents, his uncle his this or his that to help you pay for the day's festivities.

    It's not the quantity you spend, it's the quality that goes into planning a day.

    I would NOT spend my hard earned money to invite a bunch of unappreciative bunch of jerks that don't even particularly care for me. You should follow suit: these people don't like you? Then don't invite their asses!

    That reminds me:

    You and HE are running the show, since you and he are paying for it. YOu act as a team and plan a wedding that is to both your liking, your satisfaction and your joint pocketbooks.

    ETA:

    I fail to see how he is the "man of your dreams" if he can't even stand up for you and take yoiur side in this business with how his family dislikes you so intently.  As I said earlier: he needs to tell the bunch of them to pound sand --- and in front of YOU. He is to demand that you be treated with care and with open arms and if they don't want to comply, that's the end of his AND your relationship with the sorry bunch of them.
  • imageEastCoastBride:

    A - no ones responsibility to pay for your wedding but you and DH. 

    B - his family treats you like crap.  What does HE do about it?  Does he defend you, back you up?  Or.... what?  Because if he doesn't defend you now, getting married won't change this about him.

     

    This. My in-laws were actually great before I married MH, but now they just suck. They don't want anything to do with me, or their grandchild I'm carrying, but MH is like the prodigal son. I've reached out so many times, and still make an effort, but it's definitely exhausting. MH has told me he was going to talk to them, but I just don't want to make a big deal out of it. Because I know what him talking to them would lead to...it would be a full blown crisis with his mom breaking down into an emotional disaster like she does 95% of the time, and it's just not worth it for me to have to watch her self destruct over it.

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  • This. My in-laws were actually great before I married MH, but now they just suck. They don't want anything to do with me, or their grandchild I'm carrying, but MH is like the prodigal son. I've reached out so many times, and still make an effort, but it's definitely exhausting. MH has told me he was going to talk to them, but I just don't want to make a big deal out of it. Because I know what him talking to them would lead to...it would be a full blown crisis with his mom breaking down into an emotional disaster like she does 95% of the time, and it's just not worth it for me to have to watch her self destruct over it.

    So she'll have a crisis.

    Let her have the crisis and then get the eff over the crisis --- you are supposed to come first. And that is no exception to the rule.

    He needs to tell them to take a flying bleep at the moon --- rejected their own grandkiddo? What kind of poisonous and toxic pigs are they??

    You don't have to watch her self destruct, you know. He can send her an email or a certified mail letter and then let it roll from there.

    And make it clear in the communique that neither you nor the child nor HE will be in contact with her until she gets her sh!t together.

    She is either a 5 year old with a temper tantrum problem or somebody mentally ill. I am willing to bet it's the former.

  • There used to be a book out called "Bridal Bargains" about how to throw a wedding inexpensively.  There are things you can do like hold a wedding on a Sunday, have brunch instead of dinner, etc.  My cousin got married at an VFW hall, he family made the food, and she has been married for over 35 years and happy - - longer than her sister who had the "dream wedding" and is now divorced.  AND I will never forget cousin (who is still married's) wedding b/c it was not fancy, but it was so much fun.  The people make the party, not the hall or the food.

    As for the wedding, I'm sorry, but "traditionally" the groom's family didn't pay anything - because they got no invites.  Most of the invites went to the brides family.  If the wedding is going to be almost all of your fi's family, I am hoping that YOU are not financing this operation out of your savings, but that you and your FI TOGETHER are going to pay for it.  And if you don't have a lot of money, make it "immediate family only."  You will still have a beautiful "dream wedding," but it will be a "tropical paradise" dream, not a "big wedding at a catering hall" dream.  And while you will pay for the PARTY (dinner), your ILS should be responsible for their lodging and airfare.  Make sure you do something somewhere else for your honeymoon - you don't want to be stuck with the ILS during that time.

    You still seem to be depressed still.  That is not a good place to be when you are about to get married.  Have you considered having a long engagement?  Enought time to get over the grief you are still feeling?  To make new friendships? 

    Above all, do not marry your fi unless he tells his family to behave and be kind to you.  You deserve that much!  Your fi is not " the man of your dreams" if he allows his family to be cold to you. 

  • Above all, do not marry your fi unless he tells his family to behave and be kind to you.  You deserve that much!  Your fi is not " the man of your dreams" if he allows his family to be cold to you. 

    Man of your dreams?

    I personally see nothing here to love at all.

    Consider ALL of the implications and what you'll get if you marry into a family where the groom's immediate family and relatives downright detest you --- want to bring kids into that horrifically unhealthy dynamic? I would not.

    They'll either show outward animosity toward your child -- think of what that will do --- or your kiddo will be used as some kind of middleman and pawn, also not healthy.

    I agree with the PP about taking time to grieve -- that is important --- wow, you need time to grieve, time to heal and time to feel better in general. I wouldn't want you to make a wrong decision because you're in a vulnerable spot due to your recent  loss.

    A social worker and a grief counselor --- and a clergyperson, if you are religious --- is KEY.  Not only did you suffer the loss of a parent, you were also an immediate caregiver. You've got double jeopardy going on.

    I can't get over that one --- his grandparents are fueling this animosity and bullshit? These are people that are probably, at best, in their 60s --- and they're acting this childishly??? come on.... time to grow up and time to know better.

  • Hello all ,

    Iam so glad to read this. Iam in my late 50's and married someone that had been my firend for along time. So I thought.. I was so wrong. Over many years & divorce's. Grown children & issues. Add a family with drug abuse issues. Not honest about anything in their lives. I have been blind.

    If you are young, I can honestly agree with every one here & say Walk Away . It does not  get better. I also thought it would pass and it does not. Depending on the situation , of course . My husbands daughter just got worse. He would not stand up , or very little, for me. Then after a few years, it became my fault . Save yourself.

  • imageWeeser1:

    Hello all ,

    Iam so glad to read this. Iam in my late 50's and married someone that had been my firend for along time. So I thought.. I was so wrong. Over many years & divorce's. Grown children & issues. Add a family with drug abuse issues. Not honest about anything in their lives. I have been blind.

    If you are young, I can honestly agree with every one here & say Walk Away . It does not  get better. I also thought it would pass and it does not. Depending on the situation , of course . My husbands daughter just got worse. He would not stand up , or very little, for me. Then after a few years, it became my fault . Save yourself.



    Are you still married to this prince, paragon of virtue and all-around great guy?

    I hope not.
  • why are YOU reaching out to his parents and family if they've only been awful to you? i hope youre not asking them for money.

    where is your FI in all of this?

    seems to me that the man of your dreams isn't so great. sorry.

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