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Living seperatly

I am starting college in oct, but my husband wants to stay in our current town so he can keep working. His solution was for me to move to tuscon (2 hours away) while he stays in in our current apartment and work. He only works every other week (65 hours one week) and then has the next 5 days off... my question is... Would you live apart from your husband??

Re: Living seperatly

  • Personally, I wouldnt.  But I'm all for whatver works for the couple.  Are you apprehensive about it?
  • This is a tough question, which really comes down to how you feel about it.  It seems that your husband is on board with the idea, but if you're not, it could be asking for trouble.  For me personally, I would not live apart from my husband unless we had absolutely no say in the matter... which will actually be happening sooner rather than later because he will be leaving for the military later this year and I can't move with him right away due to their regulations.  For some people it works and others it doesn't... you have to have a really strong relationship to make it work, in my opinion.  I wouldn't want to put that kind of strain on our marriage unless it was abslutely necessary.  I would personally try to find another way to make it work - either by going to a closer college, doing it online (like I am now) or explaining to him the importance of him finding a job closer to where I'd be if college is immovable.  But that's just me.  I'm not sure exactly what to tell you, other than that if you have reservations, you really need to discuss them with him.  You both have to be on board for something like this to work.

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  • My husband was in the navy. Being that I had no choice in the matter my situation may be different but it has taught me things. I would always choose my husband. But not saying your handling it wrong at all. I am just saying what works for us.
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  • I lived 2 hours away from H for a few years.  I'm not sure I'd do it as an indefinite arrangement, but sounds like you have a specific time frame.  When you finish your degree, you'll live together again.

     It's not your favorite arrangement, but it's a short term sacrifice for a long term gain.

     Why are you asking total strangers for their thoughts?  If you two think this is the best thing for your family, do it.  

    The most fun question I got about living apart was always "But don't you want to have kids??!??"  I'd always say something like "Well, I know some girls who managed to get knocked up in high school when they still lived with their parents.  I can always give them a call and see how they managed it."

    Why are you unsure now?

  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker

    My H and I made a deal that we wouldn't live separately while married because we were in a long distance relationship for 1 year and 2 months before we married and it was hard. So no I wouldn't.

    My sister and her H have spent months living separately because of schooling. He's in Med School and my sister was in Physicians Assistant school. It was hard but doable for them.

    In your situation your H could come be with you those 5 days he has off right? You could try it for a while and if it doesn't work he could job hunt in Tuscon on his days off and move there permanently once he gets hired.

  • My H and I are currently going through a similar situation.  I got a job in CO and H got a job in NM.  Both have great pay.  Bot are awesome jobs.  But its 11 hrs apart.  We have decided to take our separate jobs for 1 year.  At 6 months, we'll reassess.  This is not an ideal situation and we are both sad, but in the long run it will be more beneficial for our careers. I wish you luck with your decision.  Honestly, don't let people tell you how to live your life.  I have been called a "bad wife" more times then I have ever waned because I am choosing to take my dream job.  Remember there is skype, weekends, phone, text, and ect. 

    Good luck!


  • If that's what you need to do right now and you feel confident in your relationship, I say go for it. My husband and I recently did something similar and so did my own parents.

    We got engaged November 2010 and then I moved 2 hours away with my dad in Feb 2011. My fiance had a job he couldn't leave if we wanted to get married and buy a house so he stayed with his parents and came to see me on weekends. In August 2011 we bought a house together and in October 2011 we got married. Finally February of this year, he moved into our home with me after finding a new job in town. It was a long year, but we kept busy and did fine!

    Similarly -- my mom stayed 2 hours away as well while my dad and I moved. She opted to keep her 2 jobs and live with my grandma to help take care of her. Luckily my dad is self employed and she comes on weekends a couple of times a month and he goes to visit her a couple of times a month. They've been married 28 years now, I believe, and I think that they actually like each other more and spend MUCH more time together than when they lived in the same house. Wink I have no idea how long they're going to keep this arrangement, I'm going to guess until my grandma passes away as my mom doesn't want to leave her alone.

  • My fianc? lives overseas while I'm finishing school. I miss him horribly while we're apart, but when we get "us" time, it's our time.  We have a very strong relationship as a basis for this, and it can get hard, but we need to do this right now to get to where we want to be when I graduate.
  • I wouldn't, but every couple is different.  Some couples can go long periods of time without seeing each other and be okay. I would not be.
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  • We've done long distance before when dh had a really good job offer and I got into a really good grad school program.  It's not my favorite, but it can be done.  I wouldn't in your situation though as it sounds like he doesn't want to go with you only because he is scared of change.  Can he find a comparable job where your school is?
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  • It depends on so much.  My dh worked out of state for 14 months and then again for 6 months.  It was very hard on our marriage and our family.  We were committed to making it work and not letting it take too much a toll on our marriage.  Even then, when he finally came back for good we felt we needed a couple of marriage counseling sessions.  We had 2 kids at the time and were very committed.  

    It.Was.Hard.  I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.  We are, however, stronger because of it. . . not to mention that DD#3 came along 9 months after he returned - LOL!

    List the pros and the cons. . .talk about it.  Check into the cost of housing - will it be even more of a hardship financially - is your marriage strong enough to handle that?  It's a big deal, but that doesn't mean it can't work.  Make a plan and put in place some strategies. . .it is possible if it's what you decide to do. 

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