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Wanting different things...Settle down or Excitement?

My husband and I have been together for 5 years and have been married for almost 2. We are both 24.

 I am a long term planner (and short term as well!) and absolutely love planning events in our lives. Trips in particular. We have been lucky enough to travel to different places and I enjoy it so much! Hubby is a little different. He would rather spend money on our condo (which is brand new - nothing wrong with it) and buying new furniture (even though ours is fine) and spending any disposable income at any chance he gets (oh, did I mention he spent $8000 in two months on meaningless crap - such as coffee and lunch every day etc.There is nothing to show for that money, which was our emergency savings). 

I see things differently. I would rather live on a budget throughout the year if it means I am able to take a two week vacation to Hawaii or the Caribbean every year (and when I mean budget I mean we are still able to go away on weekends and go out to eat every week etc - therefore its not like we are eating ketchup sandwiches every night!). I feel that this is the time to travel and experience everything we can before we have kids. If it happens to be a tight month for money I always get it thrown back in my face that we 'never' have money because I am always planning the next trip.

Most have now started to argue about these differences between us. He never gets excited about anything which bothers me. Granted I love planning, I still love his help and it makes me happy knowing he is excited for our upcoming plans/trip or whatever it is. It seems like one argument leads to the next. If he could, he would rather sit around all day over the weekends and not do anything. I am different, I would rather go hiking/walking/exploring/travelling etc. I am always the one to initiate the weekend and granted he sometimes enjoys himself when he gets out, I almost have to twist his arm to do anything which bothers me as well; to me it takes the excitement (on my end obviously) out of things.

We have been discussing the option of living and working abroad for a year before we have kids. I have always wanted to do this and scratch it off my 'baby bucket list'. He could take it or leave it. He said he will do it if it makes me happy. Is it wrong of me to think that isn't good enough. I don't want to force someone to do something they don't really want to do. I want to enjoy things with someone that enjoys them just as much as I do.  I also don't want it thrown back in my face years later or have to 'owe' him something because we got to do what 'I' wanted to do.

 Sorry this is really long and possibly confusing. I am torn as I am not sure if I am overreacting about him not wanting the same exciting things as I do or if maybe I should just give up on trips and start saving for babies and the future.

Help...please?

 

Re: Wanting different things...Settle down or Excitement?

  • I'd have been livid about this

    (oh, did I mention he spent $8000 in two months on meaningless crap - such as coffee and lunch every day etc.There is nothing to show for that money, which was our emergency savings). 

    And you'd better sit down with him and nip that in the bud NOW.

    He probably hasn't got any idea how quickly money is spent. What I suggest: both your moneys go into one joint account and from there, each of you get a set amount of "mad money" a week. He can spend that on junk, coffe, etc until it is gone.

    Coffee and lunch every day does NOT come to 8 grand in 2 months. What did he really spend this on? I'd look into this is I were you and now.

  • You can't force him to be jazzed about everything that excites you.  It is what it is, different personalities.  I think this is something you need to take in stride, and be thankful that he still agrees to participate in things that you like.  And I think you should reciprocate once in a while.  If he's more a homebody and wants to hang in for a weekend, just stay in.  It's just simple compromises.  I don't think this is that big a deal.

    Money is a whole other ball game.  $8000 in 2 months?  Unless you guys are making some serious money, that's crazy.  Hell even if you are making a lot of money, to spend that much on nonsense.  I'd be pissed.  You need to get together and figure out a budget... how much to allocate to your annual vacation, how much he'd like to spend on his interests (i.e. "meaningless crap" as you put it), how much goes to savings, etc.  If he likes to buy his coffee and lunch, ok, but ask him to limit to X each week.  (I'm assuming these are combined incomes so there also has to be some compromise here too.)

    I think it's easier to be broke... me and my guy have no money troubs because we have no money, easy breezy!

  • nettjenettje member
    Fifth Anniversary 10 Comments
    Didn't you talk about any of this before you got married? Usually money and future plans is a must have discussion. This is something that you should have discussed and worked out before getting married so that it wouldnt be a future issue. Especially the spending of $8000 that you dont know where it went. Time to sit down and have an open and honest heart to heart with him. If that doesnt work, perhaps marriage counseling so that someone can help you work it out. 
  • image JennaHalverson:

    We have been discussing the option of living and working abroad for a year before we have kids. I have always wanted to do this and scratch it off my 'baby bucket list'. He could take it or leave it. He said he will do it if it makes me happy. Is it wrong of me to think that isn't good enough. I don't want to force someone to do something they don't really want to do. I want to enjoy things with someone that enjoys them just as much as I do.  I also don't want it thrown back in my face years later or have to 'owe' him something because we got to do what 'I' wanted to do.

    This post really hit home for me. My husband and I are very similar to what you described. He's a homebody, I'm not, I want to go out and do things, experience things, always planning things to look forward to. He's happy being at home, he likes to buy and accumulate "stuff" (mostly computer stuff). Anyway, I wanted to try something new, things at home were dull and boring - I moved to China when I was 21, and he surprised me by moving over there to join me 6 months later. The guy had never even travelled before. 

    Once he got there he loved it. We stayed for nearly 6 years, and now live in the UK. He got the travel bug when he went over there and we're living a pretty adventurous life compared to what it was before.

    However, he's still him. He still prefers to spend weekends at home, though we're planning a bike trip with the kids in France next weekend. Our social plans are still pretty much made by me, but we're both cool with that now. It's just how we are. I'm a type A person and he's very much a type B, and it works for us.

    My point is, if I were you, move abroad with him - do it now before you get tied down to where you are. Plan on it only being a year, but be open to opportunities that arise. He may love it and come out of his shell, or hopefully get the travel bug. He may hate it and want to go home right away, but if this is something that he is willing to try (even if it is just for your sake), then why not do it? It's something that you would regret not trying, and he may really love it like my husband did.

     

    image

    Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
    I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
  • The wanting to travel/ he's a homebody aspect - eh, that's workable, I think.

    But throw in th e$$ thing?  $8,000 in 2 months?  Your e-savings??  And you don't seem to really be all that upset...??? 

    If you are on wildly differnet pages when it comes to $$, that's not good for a long term marriage.  I think you need to stop worrying about "I want excitement!" an dstart focusing on some of the basics of marriage and figure out if this is REALLY the right guy for you.

     

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

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  • srgwsrgw member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Why don't you seem super pissed off by the fact that your H spent your e-fund (all 8k of it) in 2 months time? That is a HUGE issue that needs to be addressed ASAP! Sit down together and create a budget together. He says he feels like there's never any money because you're always planning trips. Maybe that plays into why he spent your 8k e-fund; he wanted to spend it before you could. So as all pp stated put some allotted fun money into your budget every week or month. And get on the same page about money.
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