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Meant to be?


 This is my first post on here, so I am not sure if most of you have foreign spouses or spouses of the same nationality. But here is my question; do you ever feel that you and your spouse might not have the same long term goals? I think my spouse and I are a great match, except reading his essays for business school applications makes him sound like he wants to go back to his native country and become president there one day.

I am all for helping others in his country, but reading the essays sent chills down my spine. I do not want to live in his country. I do not like it for anything more than a vacation - the culture is too different. Of course, we have talked about this, it's just what i see coming out in his essays that worries me.

Anyone experience something similar? Or something where you see your loved one's goals as directly threatening to yours?



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Re: Meant to be?

  • JUST from reading your pst, I would be concerned that there are issues needing discussion and resolvement Before marriage. How long have you been together? It sounds like you have questions about his goals and ambitions that I would need answers I could be sure of. Can you sit down and ask him specific questions about the issues that are concerning you ie his essays? Maybe he can reassure you or maybe there are areas of your future you can't reconcile but international marriages can be hard and have added strains due to their very nature so it's vital to clear up any misunderstandings or anxieties you have as soon as possible.

    Hope this helps a bit.  

  • I didn't even know this country existed!  Geography lesson! 

    Have you talked to him about this?  Have you come out and point blank said, "Do you want to move home one day?  Have you changed your mind?"

    Maybe he's embellishing on his essays a little bit to swing the emotional vote?

  • As the pp's said, talk to him.  It's the only thing you can do.  And it's a good skill to have in a marriage, especially in the first year.  If you can't bring this up, then I'd be worried.  Maybe the best way is to say that after reading his essays it sounds like he wants to move back home...what are his thoughts on this?  Then move on from there.
  • You have every right to be concerned reading these essays.  Like all the pps said, you have to bring this up with him though.  Try to be non-confrontational, just bring it up the way ukyankee said.

    Let him know how you feel too.  The most important thing in a marriage is open communication, it is the only way to make it through.   Have you discussed this before?  Does he know how difficult it would be for you to live there? 

    Good luck to you!

  • I agree that you need to ask him outright about his plans for the future, but I would also take those essays with a grain of salt - I think if we're honest we would all admit that we've been known to write things a little differently when we know we are being marked/graded. ?;)
  • My DH talks about moving back home loads.  I have had to discuss this with him over and over.  His situation is this:  He is here to build his career.  But his heart is to make his home country better.  And as he has better opportunities here than others.  he does think how can this help benefit others.  He has been here over 10 years I have been here 5 and I think I am more permanent here than him, but saying that I would be okay to support him should we move back to his home country.

    With being from Kryghistan and educated from the west, this type of business man would be extremely infuential of his home country, maybe there is something deep within where he hopes for the future of his country.  If he thinks you are dead set again moving back, he might not feel he can really talk about these things deep in.

    My DH says "no one pays attention to my little country."  Very few people even know about your DH's country.  This may influence him.

  • My husband and I are of two different nationalities, but thankfully, what you've run into isn't an issues for us.  What I can say, though, is that when you read one of my papers, you'd think I was someone smart.  LOL.  All I am trying to say that some people sound very different in their writings versus who they are on a day-to-day basis.

    Regardless, you need to talk to him.  You don't even have to bring up his papers.  Just talk schmoozy about where you see yourselves in 10 years or raising children or things like that, whatever applies to you.  I'd try to make it more of a bonding experience rather than an interrogation.  If that doesn't work, though, you obviously still need to get this figure out NOW rather than just waiting until it becomes an issue.

    And welcome over here!

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