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Is it just me or...

does anybody else feel "left behind" when many of their friends are starting to have children?

DH and I are definitely not ready to start a family (frankly we don't know if we ever will) and it just seems like some of our friends are moving on, now that they are having children - life is just so different after you have kids.. no more spontaneous get togethers, etc.

I guess I'm curious - how do others handle this? Also, I know this is an age old question but how do you respond when nosey family (especially extended family you don't know very well) and friends ask that dreaded question... "when are you going to have kids?" I'm starting to run low on come backs / answers. In fact, I actually told DH's cousin once that I couldn't have children (because I didn't know what else to say). Needless to say, that answer stopped him dead in his tracks and he dropped the topic immeadiately. That's not true (that we can't have children), and I really don't like lying, but I don't really want to talk about it either...

Thanks :o)


Re: Is it just me or...

  • There are many people in my life that I feel like there could be a potential chance that I never see them again. Not necessarily because of children (but that could be one reason) but simply because we're at different stages of our life, we're both busy, and we're constantly in different places (physically). It's disheartening at times, but I still call these people my friends. 

    If it wasn't for FB, I wouldn't keep in touch with a lot of people (so I wouldn't see them or talk to them). That's life. It happens. I don't blame anyone.

    So after all that-- basically, I'm trying to say that you can still keep in touch with your new-parent friends (and try to get together) but not be shocked if you can't grab coffee anytime soon.

    As far as your second question (how to deal with the obvious question...), there are many ways to go about this: 
    "I'd rather not discuss my sex life with you."
    "When are you going to have kids?"
    "When we're ready."

    ... Don't let anyone make you feel guilty, or feel obligated to lie. I married 7 months ago and yet one aunt assumes next year I'll be having a baby shower. While I'd love to say "Oh, so you'll be paying for the kid, right?" I simply smile, ignore her comments, and switch topics.

    Best of luck!
  • So far I've been able to just say "not anytime soon" when asked when we'll be having them.  I hope I don't get any more aggressive questions than that.

    I know what you mean about losing touch with friends, though.  I just had lunch yesterday with a friend that I may see one or two more times in my life ever.  Sad  If it weren't for FB I'd probably be totally losing that friendship.  I hope to set up a FB correspondence with her though.

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  • Living on an Army base I am pretty much convinced I am the only person in my neighborhood who doesn't have kids.  Yes, I have a few friends who have kids, but I usually only hang out with them when they can get their husband to stay home with the kids.  For that reason, I actively seek out people who don't have kids that I have that in common with.  However, my two best friends from back home have kids and I love their kids to death.  When I go home they make every effort to see me, once with the kids and once without.  As far as people asking when you want to have kids, I usually tell them....uhhh I dunno.  I don't think it's anyones business and I think you can respond however you want.  Sometimes I go off on a tangent and get into my "Why do you think I am having kids just because I married, blah, blah, blah" then they never ask again.

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  • I do. I think  that some people have kids and change, but have found that others do not. They do not becoime obsessed with their kids.......they still have fun.....others do not.....just depends who it is....

  • Ya, we're not married yet, not til September, but we do want to wait a while before having kids..  I have noticed with a few of my friends, yes, they disappear...  I try to stay in touch with them, but its hard, which I understand, just sad..  These girls I used to feel so close with, I haven't had a close relationship with since like right before they had their babies..  I try no tto let it bother me, just try to get it, hopefully I don't fall off the face of this earth when I have kids, but hey, you never know...

    It does suck, I just try to meet up with them whenever I can..  Dinner, lunch, drinks, whatever..  Just because they have other things in thier lives now, they are still my friends....  :) 

  • I just got married a little under 2 months ago.  We had been together for 6 years prior, but we were getting the question before we even got engaged.   I tell people for the most part straight up.............we aren't planning on kids or if God decides he wants me to have a kid then thats when.

     I am almost 33 years old and I always said that if I didn't have any by the time I was 35, I wasn't going to. 

    I have a lot of friends that have kids and we still hang out, but I have others who have not only had kids, but have moved to other states.  You just keep in touch as best you can and remember the good times..


  • Bella Vita, my husband and I don't want kids. When I went to my dr to make it permanent, the dr said he couldn't do the Essure procedure to me and that we really should NOT have kids, because the pregnancy could kill me (I have a lot of female related issues). Well, that's all my doctor-phobic husband needed to hear. He had a vasectomy at 26. Hubby works with a ton of people that know us and our family and they are ALWAYS asking when we'll be starting a family. He tells them that I AM his family and we're done. I do lie and say that I can't have kids. (I don't like to lie either, but it really is the easiest option). People say Omg, I'm very sorry, to which I reply that it's ok, we weren't planning on having kids anyway. Or I get, Well, you could adopt... I know people mean well, but some of them just can't shut up! As for the (in my opinion) very invasive question, reply that you'll have kids when you're ready to and you're not ready just yet. If they keep aat you, politely excuse yourself from the conversation.

  • Trust me I was thinking the same thing! Out of my core group on friends, I am the second person out of them that's married, I've been married a little over a year and have no children. One of my friends is also married and has a child already, another friend isn't married but has a baby on the way. Also I have another friend who isn't in my core group of friends that has two kids and is getting married this winter.

    It's hard not to feel left behind, but you get to look at it as you can just get up and run to the grocery store or do something spontaneous without having to pack up the baby with you. Trust me, I sometimes feel like I almost need a baby to fit in with everybody but that is no reason to have one.

    The number one question I think every woman get's is "When are you having kids?" I was asked that question before I was even married! At my bridal shower no less. I was also asked several times on my wedding day. I'm thinking, "hmm, can I least be married for more than an hour?" but I just smiled and said, "Not for a while." We are pretty young (both 21) so we have some time on our hands, but yes I go on facebook and even some of my other friends are popping out kids left and right!

     You don't have to drift away from your friends just because they have kids. You just have to understand that it's not as easy for them to get up and go out like it was before. I usually just let them know in advance when I want to do something with them and they can plan accordingly, or at least have the baby come with. 


    Good Luck! I know how it feels and how annoying that question can be!





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