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HELP!! NEED ADVICE- Missed In-laws BIG Anniversary

Hi!
I need some quick advice on a very timely situation. I have been married for two years and new that my in-laws wedding anniversary was this month. I also knew it was a big anniversary-- 40 years. Before my in-laws decide renovate their $25,000 kitchen in their new home we had discussed going to NYC with them during Thanksgiving holiday to celebrate. They elected to do the kitchen instead. Which was fine by us.  This whole time I thought their anniversary was this thanksgiving. That is what my husband told me.

 However, we just found out that their wedding anniversary was this past Sunday. We did not call nor send a card. We did not acknowledge at all because both of us thought it was on this coming Thursday. He called his mother to tell her we are coming over tomorrow for the holiday weekend and she tells my DH that "I am very dissappointed that you two never acknowledged our Anniversary." Mind you we are 3 hours away and that we had been planning on coming over for 5 days for Turkey Day. It really upset my DH.

 So here's where I need advice:

 I have tomorrow morning to come up with a very sincere and special anniversary gift. Any suggestions? We still plan to acknowledge that we missed the actual date.

They have everything and not to many hobbies.

My husband feels terrible about it and so do I. We were planning on taking them out to a nice dinner when we went to visit this weekend. But all she really wanted was us to remember on Sunday, which is too late.

I don't know how to make it up to her. I never heard her so sad and dissappointed in us before. Any advice would be great.

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

Re: HELP!! NEED ADVICE- Missed In-laws BIG Anniversary

  • Flowers to her, some sort of meat that delivers to him, to be delivered tomorrow. ?GET THEE TO THE INTERNET!

    ?A phone call to your MIL stating how sorry you missed it! ?You had been told it was Thanksgiving but rest assured, you have the date right in the future, but are thrilled for the world they have built for themselves over the last 40 years and are thrilled to be a part of their lives and their family.

    ?

    Last but not least, don't forget to go up to your husband and nair his ball hair off for forgetting his parents' 40th anniversary :-)?

    Seriously, people. If your faith in humanity is destroyed because your parents told you there was a Santa Claus and as it turns out there is no Santa Claus, you are an ignorant, hypersensitive cry baby with absolutely zero perspective. - UnderwaterRhymes
  • I love it and I am searching now. I am thinking RUBY was their 40th gift. But I thought I could go collect a whole bunch of items that are red and present it to them tomorrow. Any additions to this would be great.

    Basket

    Red Candles

    Red Throw

    Red Apples

    Peppermints

    Red Hots

    Red Wine

    White Zen

    p.s. The nair is great! Remind me of that when I am not in crisis and recovery mode.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • You get top marks for effort, but I just hate how his mother laid a guilt trip on you guys.
    My darling daughter just turned 4 years old.
  • Typically she is wonderful. But I feel really bad for my dh cause he really had no idea. I kind of feel awkward going over there for five days with this hanging over us.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I think it's nice of you to have wanted to commemorate it and nice that you want to "make it up" to them, but it seems really odd to me that she went out of her way to make you feel bad about it--not cool on her part.
    In case you're wondering where everyone went: http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi
  • Maybe a couple Omaha steaks? (red meat, so sort of ties into the red theme) and they could cook them for a nice romantic meal. ?

    I like the previous suggestion of what to say. And also: it was an innocent mistake- your husband was 4 DAYS off. ? He didn't forget the anniversary or how important it was or not realize the significance or not want to share the joy- he mixed up the dates. ?I can understand them being disappointed they didn't get a call on the actual milestone and I can understand him feeling bad because he really did want to do something on the actual day- but I would hope this doesn't become blown out of proportion and overshadow the joy that is very much there. ?Just try to keep the conversations throughout the weekend focused on your happiness for them and talking about all they've done these past 40 years, rather than dwelling on apologizing repeatedly. ?

  • I appreciate all the replies.

    My gut reaction was we should just not go and play hard ball with her. I think I would lose in the end and just make a mountain out of a mole hill.

    Plus I want to see my niece and nephew who I love and adore.

    It's so hard because they have everything!!! I can't just get her something because she probably already has it.

    DH feels bad that he didn't want to talk about it tonight. We will figure out a plan in the am.

    Thanks again for the help!

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • It is a shame they made that comment and made you feel so guilty!

    I really thought an anniversary was something that the couple celebrated with each other.  I really would not expect a gift or card from family or friends on my anniversary (even if it was a big one?).   Maybe I'm wrong? 

    Either way I think above posters gave great ideas.  I would bring something simple and focus the convo on their 40 years of marriage.

     

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  • image ShayLH:

    It is a shame they made that comment and made you feel so guilty!

    I really thought an anniversary was something that the couple celebrated with each other.  I really would not expect a gift or card from family or friends on my anniversary (even if it was a big one?).   Maybe I'm wrong? 

    Either way I think above posters gave great ideas.  I would bring something simple and focus the convo on their 40 years of marriage.

     

    I would agree 99% of the time, but 40 years is pretty huge.

     

    image Lucy, 12/27/2009
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • She's a tough cookie. I don't think my FIL would give two winks at the day we forgot. But for her I guess it was almost insulting.

    She's a pretty passionate person, who I have always been on the good side. So to be on the bad sad makes me nervous.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • >I have tomorrow morning to come up with a very sincere and special anniversary gift.

     Um...  no.

    Your DH has tomorrow morning to take care of this.  This mess is not your mess - his parents are not your parents - DH has known them a lot longer than you and HE should have taken care of this...and it's HIS to take care of now.

  • Cease to be nervous and get moving. Flowers, candy, meat, cards, you name it; but fix this with an embarrassment of riches. Really.

    So she's a tad oversensitive; and so your dh screwed up. FIX IT. There's no time to waste arguing over whether she's right to be so hurt, or whether she should have said something or not; her feelings are hurt because her son forgot her anniversary.  Get this fixed.

    I'd send all of this to get there tomorrow; and I'd bring more stuff on Thursday. Really. Make nice; and make your dh participate.

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • Oh. And your dh should loudly and vigorously assume ALL blame. "Mom, I am so sorry; this is all my fault; I told Sallie that your anniversary was this Thursday; I thought it WAS Thursday; and here we missed it" on and on and on. Ad nauseam, ad infinitum, till his mother's feelings are soothed.

     

    SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
  • image Sue_sue:

    Oh. And your dh should loudly and vigorously assume ALL blame. "Mom, I am so sorry; this is all my fault; I told Sallie that your anniversary was this Thursday; I thought it WAS Thursday; and here we missed it" on and on and on. Ad nauseam, ad infinitum, till his mother's feelings are soothed.

     

    Yes it was your H's responsibility to remember what the date was of their anniversary, not yours. He has lived with his parents for many years and should remember the date a lot better than you should.  

    image

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  • image Sue_sue:

    Oh. And your dh should loudly and vigorously assume ALL blame. "Mom, I am so sorry; this is all my fault; I told Sallie that your anniversary was this Thursday; I thought it WAS Thursday; and here we missed it" on and on and on. Ad nauseam, ad infinitum, till his mother's feelings are soothed.

    Ditto 100%.  It's not on YOU to remember this date. 

    I also feel anniversaries are between the couple. Yes, this is a biggie, but your DH wasn't alive when they got married!  It's not really a big date in HIS life. 

    But....  that doesn't mean do your best to fix this.  My step-mother can be overly sensitive about stuff too (we did a big b-day dinner for her 60th, and somehow she then started believing that every b-day after that should be just as big of a deal and got really upset when 61 was REALLY low key....) 0 and you do need to roll w/ it in certain situations, and this is one of them.

    But again, ditto sue_sue 100%.

    "Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
    ~Benjamin Franklin

    Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
    DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10

  • Here's the thing. Four-Oh is a real biggie. If you guys make it that far you will appreciate this.

    A 40th isn't something you just run out and buy for, you needed to have had a plan. Someting that shows that thought went into marking the occasion- like something engraved or a memory book or party. A major anniversary is a bit like a wedding in terms of scope, you don't just slap something together. FWIW, I threw a catered cocktail party for my parent's 25th and sent them on a cruise for their 50th.

    Part of the problem with what happened is that by missing the occasion you have left her in the embarassing position of answering her friend's and relative's questions about what sort of special thing her kids did for her. You blew it as a couple. And you can be sure there are those gossips who are going to dine on this going forward.

    The part I don't understand, is why them doing over their kitchen is an either or thing? Surely the possible trip to NYC to celebrate wasn't going to be on their dime, was it?

    At this point a sincere apology is probably the bst move you could make now. If you have access to old family videos and pictures, maybe the two of you could do a montage video for them along with a special dinner out.

  • Since your DH could not remember his parents anniversary, then it is up to him to figure out how to fix this. 
    [IMG]http://i633.photobucket.com/albums/uu52/Iluminespics/IMG_4759.jpg[/IMG]
  • DH's parents = DH's responsibility to remember important dates in their lives and DH's responsibility to fix it if he makes a mistake.  If MIL says anything to you, I would flat out tell her that you do things for your family and DH does things for his because it was important to both of you that events were acknowleged in the way that was best for that family. 
  • All the advice is great - I would add that perhaps making a list of important family dates with her would be nice.  That way you won't be surprised in the future.  It shows her that you want to prevent something like this from happening in the future.  (My DH had no idea about dates...just knew months...)

  • Does DH remember YOUR parents' anniversary?  His parents.  His responsibility.

    If I were your DH, I wouldn't expect much from his parents on his 40th birthday!

    Px

  • I completely agree that your DH should have remembered his parent's anniversary.  I mean he has known them all his life.  I would let him take the fall for this one, but you should recognize that a mistake was made ("I'm so sorry that we missed your anniversary, I have added to my calendar so it doesn't happen again").
  • image sparkle990:

    All the advice is great - I would add that perhaps making a list of important family dates with her would be nice.  That way you won't be surprised in the future.  It shows her that you want to prevent something like this from happening in the future.  (My DH had no idea about dates...just knew months...)

     I feel your pain.  When my dh and I had been dating awhile I asked him about birthdays and he replied, (he has 3 sisters and 1 brother), "mom and sister are in the spring, other 2 sisters are in the summer, dad and brother in the winter."  *sigh*.  I had to go snooping at driver's licenses to figure out birthdays!!  The worst part was, one of his sisters (the one in the spring) has the same birthday as me and he never even realized it!

    To the op, I agree with previous posters... your dh needs to take full responsibility for this ASAP.  Honestly, the best gift you can give to them is to make sure this doesn't happen again, especially in 10 years for number 5-0!!!

  • Do people really expect their families to celebrate their anniversaries?  This seems like a personal thing to me.  It seems weird to me to make a big deal about one's parents' anniversary.   Of course my parents are not happily married and DH's are divorced, so I guess we don't have to analyze this to much...

  • We try to celebrate anniversaries in our family. My mom's one of 8 kids and there are about 22 grandkids and 8 great grand kids. My nana has a wall calendar that I buy her every year. On it, we have everyone's birthday (with birth year) colored coded one color and anniversaries colored another color (with years). Everyone then updates their own calendars and when someone needs a b-day or anniversary, we know nana has them on the wall.   On my one at home, I've got the in-laws info and a few friends.That's the only way we can keep up.

    Most of my extended family have been married a long time (10 years to 55 years) so we try to at least send a card.

    image image
  • I don't think YOU should feel bad at all.  You've only known this family for how long?  However, your dh is a bonehead.  Unless MIL and FIL never celebrate their anniversary - how could your dh not know?

    I would just send red flowers.  Ruby red flowers.  And maybe a bottle of red wine.

    40 years is pretty huge, but I cannot fathom guilting my DIL over not remembering my anniversary.  My son - yes! 

    And I'm a pretty big believer of "the anniversary is the couple's celebration." (not siblings, parents, children, etc.) - but it would have been nice of you to have made a phone call or sent a card! 

    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • I would also say - for many people, "40" is a big year, because they feel it may be the last milestone anniversary that they have.  Many people don't live long enough for them to celebrate 50, unfortunately.
    image "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
  • UPDATE--->

    Again, thank you for all the posts. It has been wonderful just to hear different opinions.

     I am very sentimental person. I do appreciate personal gifts. I am having two wedding quilts made for my best friend and brother for wedding presents.

    I don't have access to his family's videos or photos or the memory book is a fantastic idea.

     So, this is what I ended up doing:

    They like wine. She especially likes White Zen, if you can even call that wine. But the family in general likes to drink wine.

    So I went to Macy's and bought a Robert Mondavi set of Wine Glasses and Craft by Waterford. I then went to Cork and Olive and bought two bottles of red, two bottles of Zen.. I topped it all off with a bottle of champaign.

    4 bottles to represent ten years each. and the bottle of champaign to celebrate.

    DH was shocked about all the stuff, but it was necessary. I told him that all I wanted to hear from him was "thank you for handling this." I am going there now and we plan on apologizing for the date mix up. However, I stand by the fact that I did not forget their anniversary.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • image CaelenEsq:

    We try to celebrate anniversaries in our family. My mom's one of 8 kids and there are about 22 grandkids and 8 great grand kids. My nana has a wall calendar that I buy her every year. On it, we have everyone's birthday (with birth year) colored coded one color and anniversaries colored another color (with years). Everyone then updates their own calendars and when someone needs a b-day or anniversary, we know nana has them on the wall.   On my one at home, I've got the in-laws info and a few friends.That's the only way we can keep up.

    Most of my extended family have been married a long time (10 years to 55 years) so we try to at least send a card.

    Seriously?  I don't even know what month most of my cousins were born, let alone their anniversaries!  Heck, most of them didn't even invite me to their weddings!  That just sounds made up to me.

  • image kcpokergal:

    Do people really expect their families to celebrate their anniversaries?  This seems like a personal thing to me.  It seems weird to me to make a big deal about one's parents' anniversary.   Of course my parents are not happily married and DH's are divorced, so I guess we don't have to analyze this to much...

    yeah, that seems weird to me too. Both my mom and DH's are widows, so it's not really an issue for us, but I don't expect anyone else to acknowledge our anniversary.  It seems odd to me that others are supposed to make a big deal about celebrating your relationship with your spouse.

    PP's gave good advice about how to fix things, but I'm still stuck on how lame it is that MIL is giving a guilt trip about it.

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