Sex & Romance
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email [email protected]

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Needing encouragement

DH and I have been married 1.5 years and have a beautiful DD. His b'day was this month and I feel like things are going badly not just because we're financially challenged but also because when we fight, it's a little worse every time. We both say things we don't mean (I hope), but I can't help feeling like we are terribly disconnected. I don't know who to talk to about it. I have no friends to speak of, and I don't feel like I can talk to my or his family about it. This time around, he refuses to talk to me (even in front of his family, in town from out of state to celebrate his birthday). I've sincerely apologized, but now I feel like that was a waste of time since he is clearly not willing to work it out. Sometimes it takes a couple of days for him to come around, but he hasn't willingly spoken to me in a week now and it's been much longer since he's told me he loves me.

Forget about sex, too, because even though I've lost the baby weight he still doesn't want me. I tried playing some sexy music, lighting some candles, and giving him a show tonight, but he just told me to get lost and not touch him.

We're not talking about the "D" word, that's not even on the table. I just need some encouragement. I'm tired of missing the closeness we once had. Like I said, if I had anyone to talk to about it I wouldn't be writing this, but I don't and he won't listen.

Re: Needing encouragement

  • Newsflash: Your husband is likely cheating. A cold blooded heterosexual man doesn't just turn off from his wife unless he is getting it somewhere else. The fact that he has turned off from you completely is a huge red flag. He is riding the bus to tuna town and it isn't yours.

    either that... or he's gay.

    Good luck! Big Smile

  • He's not cheating. I had suspected that once long ago, and those concerns were long ago put to rest. He's much too busy and I always know where he is and with whom. He's really good about that. But thanks for the encouragement. It really helps :(.
  • You decided to air your dirty laundry on a public message board looking for people to pat you on the head and say "there there it will be ok" the way I see it, there are three options here:

    1. He's cheating

    2. He's gay

    3. He's depressed

    and there isn't a single thing you can do about any of it. You say he hasn't spoken to you in a week, and hasn't said "I love you" in a very long time. Do you really want to be married to that? Is this really the loving relationship you want to model for your daughter? Pull your head out of your butt, stop whining to strangers on the internet, and do something about this. Leave him, or stay with him, but bottom line you deserve better either from him or someone else.

  • I hate to agree with pp but really if you put all that effort towards having sex with him and he said "leave me alone dont touch me" there is a big problem.  You guys need to seek counseling alone and together...

    I know you dont want to think about the "D" word, heck I dont like the "D" word either. I have always believed marriage is forever EXCEPT if he's cheating.  You say you know where he is and who he's with all the time, but how can you? I know where DH is supposed to be and I believe he is there but I cant prove it.  

     

    I'm not even going to touch the "I love you" thing because DH and I never leave the house without saying that to each other.  Life's too short.  

    Anniversary
    TTA buddies w/ xcitedbride2009

  • Whoa!.....hang on a minute, we're not getting all the info here....

     

    As a man I'm going to take HIS angle, just for the sake of argument.   For a man to turn down sex with his loved partner he has to be seriously upset an annoyed with her,....On your own admission you have "fights" that are gettign more and more out of control.  Whats now happened is that you went too far and said something that he is having trouble with forgetting/forgiving,...something SO hurtful and personal that he now is beyond communication and healing.

     

    IF he was "cheating" he would now be gone to the other woman!!

     

    ...What did you say to him that last time?

  • He could be cheating, maybe not.

    He could simply have decided not to have sex with you anymore. And only he can explain why that is.

    Or it could be the madonna-wh0re syndrome. Google it for more info.

    Was he in the delivery room when you gave birth? I believe that plays a huge factor in the madonna-wh0re syndrome. It's said Elvis Presley also had it.

    A trip to a sex therapist is in order.

    What has to stop:

    The babyish and divisive communication problem he is having --- you also both need to learn how to communicate as a couple; counseling STAT for the both of you.

    He also has no right at all to talk to you like you're an indentured servant. He's got to get over that bullshit and stop it.

    The freezing you out and cold shoulder's got to stop, also. He has to learn how to communicate like a full grown man.

    As for all of what you described:

    Have you spoken to him at all?

    Communication is key --- I have said it repeatedly  on this board.

    Tell him just what you told us --- and I would make the counseling a must. If he won't go, not only is there no help for his divisiveness and immature way of handling a confrontation, there's also no chance of getting down to the root of what is happening here.

    If he's got no psychological thing going on, it very well  could be he just decided the bedroom department is closed --- or he could be having an affair.  It's impossible to conclude what's happening here; this is why a sex therapist and counselor are in order for you both.

    If he won't have sex with you anymore, you can decide to do either of 2 things:

    He can agree to letting you pursue an open relationship (if that idea appeals to you)
    Decide to find another guy -- one who is broadminded and lives in the year 2012 -- who loves you and accepts you for who you are and appreciates you and thinks you're hotter than a fuse.

    I for one would not put up with the cold shoulder, the lack of affection, the immature way he's got of communication and above all no way would I tolerate his nasty way of addressing his wife.

    If he won't see a counselor and he's not willing to stop this kind of garbage, rethink this guy. That is MY suggestion.

    If he has decided that not only the sex department is closed and so is the marriage, he owes it to you to tell you. Life's too short to waste it on a marriage where you're frozen out, there is no affection and where you need to walk on eggs around your spouse.

    You're not his doormat and you're not there to be a roommate, servant, cook, laundress and social director.  this is a marriage that's supposed to have 2 loving people in it. GL.

  • image oldbugle:

    Whoa!.....hang on a minute, we're not getting all the info here....

     

    As a man I'm going to take HIS angle, just for the sake of argument.   For a man to turn down sex with his loved partner he has to be seriously upset an annoyed with her,....On your own admission you have "fights" that are gettign more and more out of control.  Whats now happened is that you went too far and said something that he is having trouble with forgetting/forgiving,...something SO hurtful and personal that he now is beyond communication and healing.

     

    IF he was "cheating" he would now be gone to the other woman!!

     

    ...What did you say to him that last time?

    I agree with all of this.I'm very curious about what prompted this latest fight.  My H is a fairly sensitive guy and if I said something that hit below the belt (because we all know what buttons to push with our SO if we wanted to be vicious), he would be pretty hurt. He might not want to talk to me until he works through his feelings on the subject. A week however, seems like a really long time. Could he have stopped saying "i love you" because both of your actions seem to say otherwise? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. 

    yes, he could be cheating, he could be depressed, or maybe he's tired of the cycle of you two emotionally hurting one another. This time might have gone too far.  

    Anniversary
  • Did you ever get this mess rectified?

    Ok first of all, I realize that there may be someone else with a situation like mine, and if they have already been replied to, I would like to know where I can find the post. If not, here is what is going on:

     DH and I got married almost 3 months ago, and both of us have a past with other people (who doesn't?). Here's the problem, lately I have received 2 text messages from guys in my past, one of whom (friend from high school, no past history) DH called because he didn't know who it was and the other that I haven't talked to since we stopped dating 5 years ago. Now, this is not a big deal in my eyes that they unknowingly sent a "hey what's up" message, ignorant of the fact that I am now a married woman. They were each informed that I am married and please do not contact me again, which they both said was fine and they wouldn't.

    The problem lies in the fact that DH acts like his history is irrelevant but mine is incriminating, which leads to fights that last for days. I have tried gently explaining to him that even though we both have a history, that does not make either of us any worse than the other and HELLO, I MARRIED YOU!!! I didn't marry any of those other jerks because they didn't stack up, so can we please quit with the immaturity already? I'm ready to move on, that's why I'm not with those past guys anymore (ex, friend, or otherwise). How can I explain this to him without starting another 3-day-long fight, because I am tired of fighting?

    This H of yours has a sex issue from way way back when...holy crap, this is no longer the 40s or the 50s! He's acting like you're the town punk and the town tramp!

    This post was from 15 months ago.  There were problems here and problems galore --- get thee and thou divisive, immature and judgemental H to a marriage therapist. Make it a MUST.

    And a sex therapist for him, not only to rule out madonna-wh0re syndrome but to get to the root of why he thinks a woman with a "past" is not good enough for him. I don't know if he came from a very religious family with rigid sexual mores or what, but this kind of attitude is NOT a healthy one.

    And I'd go as far as to tell him "either you go to counseling willingly and work on this with me or this is over between us. It's me and the kiddo or you and your nasty temper, your argmentiveness and your immaturity: make the choice."

    I am most certain he had this primitive issue with "your past" when you were dating -- and I for one would have moved on the second I found out he was like this. You needed a guy far more mature and broadminded, not somebody with such a nethanderthal attitude toward sex and whether or not a woman has a "past." GTFOY.

    If it was oh so important to marry a woman who had no "past" then that is what he should have looked for. IF this was oh soooo important to him.

    This guy is a jerk. Quite frankly, based on just this info alone, I can't see what's so wonderful about him at all.

  • Get out. Im in the same situation but mine has went on way because we share a son. Being told by the father of my son "Dont touch me" when I want to make love was the most coldhearted feeling Ive ever experienced. Nothing Ive done constitutes that. Im sure you dont deserve it either. Makes my stomach sick thinking of all the life I wasted with this man. Move on sweetheart. Anyone deserves better.

  • This guy is worse than a jerk:

    DH and I got married 3 months before finding out about DD, so I can totally relate to the unexpected baby thing. In fact, DH also found my pregnant body to be a huge turn-off, which hurt like hell but hey, nothing I can do about that. Now that DD is 7 months and I've lost nearly all the baby weight, things are better.
     
     This is from another recent thread elsewhere.
     
    So, now you're in tip top shape...what's his problem now, that he can't seem to find the ardor to have sex with you?

    What kind of a creep is this guy???

    Really. He's got qualms with the way you looked? How about you post a picture of this guy, preferably a full length one in a bathing suit; let's see if his bod and his weight is good enough FOR YOU.
     
    You're going to have to decide what it is you want; you and the kiddo come first.

    Now that all the facts are pretty much in, I wouldn't take this guy on a bet. Neither should you.

    I don't think the squeeze is worth the juice as far as his sorry ass goes. I think you should give serious thought to saying goodbye to this loser. (of course it's up to you which way to go on this one; that's for you to decide)

    And therapy for you, to find out why you put up with him, his communication problems, his confrontationalism and his sexual hangup for as long as you did.

    This marriage dynamic is not healthy for your kiddo, either. Do you want her growing up with a father who treats his wife like dirt and do you want to have her grow up in a house where he shuts down like a little toddler when he is mad? He doesn't care if you bear witness to his garbage -- you think he's going to care if his daughter sees this bullshit?
  • You should listen to him and GET lost...time to move on from the a$$hole!

    You made a huge mistake, now it is time to acknowledge it and move on. Get away from the douche!



  • What concerns me is that you say that the arguing/fighting is getting worse. Take your DD and get some space from this man and do some serious thinking about what you want for your future.
    Anniversary Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I think the two of you should sit down and lay out all of your problems with an licensed therapist. It doesn't sound healthy to fight for days on end or for your husband to outright refuse to have sex with you.

     

    I hope everything works out for you. I'm not a fan of the "D" word either but you deserve to be happy. 

    I love this man.

    Photobucket

    Can vacation be now please? Vacation
  • image oldbugle:

    Whoa!.....hang on a minute, we're not getting all the info here....

     

    As a man I'm going to take HIS angle, just for the sake of argument.   For a man to turn down sex with his loved partner he has to be seriously upset an annoyed with her,....On your own admission you have "fights" that are gettign more and more out of control.  Whats now happened is that you went too far and said something that he is having trouble with forgetting/forgiving,...something SO hurtful and personal that he now is beyond communication and healing.

     

    IF he was "cheating" he would now be gone to the other woman!!

     

    ...What did you say to him that last time? I'm a women and I completely agree.What was said in the last "fight".Did you cross a line and say something extremely hurtful to him?

    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerImage and video hosting by TinyPic
  • From the posts that Tarpon Monoxide is digging up this seems to be a ongoing issue for a long oeriod of time.Was this going on before you got married?Some of these posts are from when you had been married for 3months.

    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerImage and video hosting by TinyPic
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards