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Help! I have a pain in the a$$ BIL

Hi all,

My BIL is 19 and a spoiled little brat. Apparently, he has had his feeling hurt by me and hasnt spokent to me since last July. My husband is 33. There is a huge age diff and everyone has always babied my BIL. My BIL is very very spoiled. But We have always managed to  have a good relationship util he got a bug up his ass.

According to my MIL who is completely responsible for making this kid a spoiled little a$$hole.. His feelings were hurt when I told him at his HS graduation party ((LAST SUMMER IN JU:Y)))that I didnt like him. My reaction..I didnt even really get a chance to talk to him at his grad party and why would I even waste my time telling him something stupid like that. I didnt tell him that at all. Again, with the childish lies and drama. and my MIL is so stupid. ..she falls for it and doesnt ever call him out. ..double standards apply for her baby.

So, my husband spoke to him around November.THIs conversation included an apology and then He pretty much said get over it. and we are not going to waste time with this stupid drama that my BIL has created. But everytime we talk to him, once I say something, he suddenly has to go and hangs up. I have a great relationship with my in laws and they agree that he needs to get over it but really havent called him out on it.  I have pretty much learned to ignore it becasue I dont want to add fuel to the fire by giving attention to this immature behavior. But it really does piss me off.

Today, I called and he picked up the phone. I said hi and asked what was up. He hung up the phone. This is what I mean by spoiled brat. He makes up *** and has his mother believing it and then doesnt want to talk to me based on a lie. I called my mother in law who I wanted to speak to orignially and told her what happened. I haven spoken to her about this issue since November. And made it clear  that I have tried to make attempts to make this better by basically ignoring it and moving on and that little fvcker wont let iti happen.

She said his feelings were hurt. And just kept saying that. Well, first off, its based on a lie and second, when is this kid gonna be told to get over it and put his big boy panties on?!

Am I selffish to be pissed off right now? Its all about his baby feelings but for the last seven months I have been ignored and treated rudely. When do I get to be pissed off?

 

ETA: We recently moved out of state for DH's new job. Its been an adjustment for everyone...probably more than we realized for his stupid brother. But I know his parents have been talking about the move, my husband's new job ALOT...which takes a huge chuck of attention off  the BIL.. who is very used to getting ALL of it. Now its all starting to make sense. Its even more important now that we dont give the stupid monkey more attention

 

Re: Help! I have a pain in the a$$ BIL

  • Why do you keep bothering? 

    Just ignore BIL. If MIL accuses you of something then say, "I said nothing of the sort to BIL" and then stop discussing it. Get off the phone if necessary,

    What has your husband done about this? 

    image
  • Question 1 - why are you putting your ILs in the middle?  

    Question 2 - why isn't your DH dealing with his brother?

    Question 3 - Why are you letting someone who you fully admit is a spoiled brat ruin your day?  You can only control how YOU react to a situation.  Obviously he isn't going to get past it which is dumb and immature - so why do you care so much?

  • this situation is annoying but I have moved on. Granted I am annoyed but as I said I am not going to feed the stupid monkey more attention. Thats what he wants.

    I was reminded how the situation when he hung up on me. I was still fuming. It is unexcuseable behavior. But I I can do is control my own reaction. No one else's.

    My husband said he is going to talk to him face to face. And rip him a new one.

    You ladies are right. Thanks for your input.

  • image pepiono_627:

    this situation is annoying but I have moved on. Granted I am annoyed but as I said I am not going to feed the stupid monkey more attention. Thats what he wants.

    I was reminded how the situation when he hung up on me. I was still fuming. It is unexcuseable behavior. But I I can do is control my own reaction. No one else's.

    My husband said he is going to talk to him face to face. And rip him a new one.

    You ladies are right. Thanks for your input.

    Cause that is going to help! (To the bolded part) This is immature and is only feeding into the situation more, it will not help it.

    I would get your DH to tell BIL that you are not going to tolerate his behavior anymore and leave it at that.

    Ignore him if he is being rude. Walk away or say I have to go when your on the phone and he is like this.

    My BIL is like yours (other then he is 3 years older then DH). We have and will continue to leave places when he is rude to me or DH. If something happens on the phone we hang up. BIL is very rarely like this around us any more.

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  • image awick14:
    image pepiono_627:

    this situation is annoying but I have moved on. Granted I am annoyed but as I said I am not going to feed the stupid monkey more attention. Thats what he wants.

    I was reminded how the situation when he hung up on me. I was still fuming. It is unexcuseable behavior. But I I can do is control my own reaction. No one else's.

    My husband said he is going to talk to him face to face. And rip him a new one.

    You ladies are right. Thanks for your input.

    Cause that is going to help! (To the bolded part) This is immature and is only feeding into the situation more, it will not help it.

    I would get your DH to tell BIL that you are not going to tolerate his behavior anymore and leave it at that.

    Ignore him if he is being rude. Walk away or say I have to go when your on the phone and he is like this.

    My BIL is like yours (other then he is 3 years older then DH). We have and will continue to leave places when he is rude to me or DH. If something happens on the phone we hang up. BIL is very rarely like this around us any more.

    My DH is the only one that BIL will listen to. However, I am thankful for my his support. Really in the grand scheme of things, it doenst matter what all the rest of the dumbies think...as long as I have DH's support.

    But you bring up a good point.. DH talking to him will give the stupid monkey more attention on him. DH needs to keep it short and sweet.

    How do you deal with the ILs when your BIL was being rude to you or DH? What was their reaction?

     

  • I'd be passive aggressive: Hey BIL, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that your feelings are so hurt over last year's statement that was misunderstood. I hope we can put the drama behind us. 
    There you apologized and called him a big fat baby.
    Win / win.  
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  • image pepiono_627:


    My husband said he is going to talk to him face to face. And rip him a new one.


    Please dont do this.

    This is a super bad idea.  

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  • image +SMACE+:
    I'd be passive aggressive: Hey BIL, I just wanted to say I'm sorry that your feelings are so hurt over last year's statement that was misunderstood. I hope we can put the drama behind us. 
    There you apologized and called him a big fat baby.
    Win / win.  

    YesYes Thatsawesome.

  • image +SMACE+:
    image pepiono_627:


    My husband said he is going to talk to him face to face. And rip him a new one.


    Please dont do this.

    This is a super bad idea.  

    I agree. I will make sure we will keep the conversation to a minimum. My husband already did this in Novemeber...he is really good with his brother. We will tell him again..your suggestion below is awesome.

    Our main objective is not to feed the money more stupid attention.

  • image pepiono_627:

    My DH is the only one that BIL will listen to. However, I am thankful for my his support. Really in the grand scheme of things, it doenst matter what all the rest of the dumbies think...as long as I have DH's support.

    But you bring up a good point.. DH talking to him will give the stupid monkey more attention on him. DH needs to keep it short and sweet.

    How do you deal with the ILs when your BIL was being rude to you or DH? What was their reaction?

     

    DH told the ILs how we both felt about BIL, he told them that we will not put up with it any more. They have agreed that they are not to talk to us about BIL, especailly things that he says that we said.

    So far they have been pretty good about this. But I do have to say that for the last 2 years we have not live in our home town, which has made it much easier on both of us. We are moving back tomorrow. So we will see what happens.

    The most beautiful things in the world are not seen nor touched. They are felt with the heart. -- Helen Keller Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • image pepiono_627:

    this situation is annoying but I have moved on. Granted I am annoyed but as I said I am not going to feed the stupid monkey more attention. Thats what he wants.

    I was reminded how the situation when he hung up on me. I was still fuming. It is unexcuseable behavior. But I I can do is control my own reaction. No one else's.

    My husband said he is going to talk to him face to face. And rip him a new one.

    You ladies are right. Thanks for your input.

    He's attention seeking.   And he's being successful because he's getting attention.  The only way you'll succeed at anything here is by ignoring him and his behavior.  "Ripping him a new one" is still giving him attention.   Don't bother - it won't work to stop him and will only reinforce for him that the more he misbehaves, the more attention (even negative attention is attention) he'll get.  
  • There is just something about the tone of your post, and how you talk about BIL and your ILs, that makes me think he's not the only one that isn't being completely honest about what happened at his graduation.

    So, what really happened? You didn't say anything at all? Not even something that you didn't intend for him to hear that perhaps he did?

    I also wonder if there is a bit a self-fulfilling prophecy going on here. You think he's a jerk. Are you doing anything might elicit such assholish behavior?

    I'm not saying he doesn't have douche tendencies; he probably does. I'm just not buying you're 100% innocent in this relationship.

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  • image susiederkins:

    There is just something about the tone of your post, and how you talk about BIL and your ILs, that makes me think he's not the only one that isn't being completely honest about what happened at his graduation.

    So, what really happened? You didn't say anything at all? Not even something that you didn't intend for him to hear that perhaps he did?

    I also wonder if there is a bit a self-fulfilling prophecy going on here. You think he's a jerk. Are you doing anything might elicit such assholish behavior?

    I'm not saying he doesn't have douche tendencies; he probably does. I'm just not buying you're 100% innocent in this relationship.

    ITA. This is what I was thinking when I read your post. Maybe you really did hurt his feelings somehow, even if unintentional. Douches get hurt feelings too.

    I'm big side eyeing the "my DH is gonna rip him a new one" attitude. It won't accomplish anything but animosity and more hurt feelings. Be the bigger person and apologize for real then move on. Then you can tell your MIL that you tried to fix the problem. She believes that his feelings were hurt and you not apologizing makes you look like a jerk in her eyes. You say that you are trying to fix his hurt feelings by ignoring it? Ignoring an issue doesn't fix anything.

    Everyone has annoying, irrational, and douchy people in their lives. You play nice and roll your eyes when you get home. Antagonizing them won't help your cause.

    Also, telling your inlaws that you don't like one of their children will come back and bite you someday.

    imageimage
  • image oodakay:
    image susiederkins:

    There is just something about the tone of your post, and how you talk about BIL and your ILs, that makes me think he's not the only one that isn't being completely honest about what happened at his graduation.

    So, what really happened? You didn't say anything at all? Not even something that you didn't intend for him to hear that perhaps he did?

    I also wonder if there is a bit a self-fulfilling prophecy going on here. You think he's a jerk. Are you doing anything might elicit such assholish behavior?

    I'm not saying he doesn't have douche tendencies; he probably does. I'm just not buying you're 100% innocent in this relationship.

    ITA. This is what I was thinking when I read your post. Maybe you really did hurt his feelings somehow, even if unintentional. Douches get hurt feelings too.

    I'm big side eyeing the "my DH is gonna rip him a new one" attitude. It won't accomplish anything but animosity and more hurt feelings. Be the bigger person and apologize for real then move on. Then you can tell your MIL that you tried to fix the problem. She believes that his feelings were hurt and you not apologizing makes you look like a jerk in her eyes. You say that you are trying to fix his hurt feelings by ignoring it? Ignoring an issue doesn't fix anything.

    Everyone has annoying, irrational, and douchy people in their lives. You play nice and roll your eyes when you get home. Antagonizing them won't help your cause.

    Also, telling your inlaws that you don't like one of their children will come back and bite you someday.

    As mentioned in my post, The apology happened in November...he said he was fine with the situation and when asked about why he was so hurt he was unable to articulate the exact reason why. But he told his mother.. who is all about giving more attention to this situation than necssary...which makes me think he is completely playing her and me like a fiddle and having a field  day over it. Now we have moved on to ignoring becuase there was an honest apology. He is just choosing to carry a grudge and be a douche bag about it.

    This is a family of morons...but I dont tell them that. I roll my eyes and go home. And thankk my lucky stars I live far far far away. My post was a vent. It is different when I am actually talking to them.

    My MIL says his feelings were hurt and babys him. She is fully aware of the conversation that we had with him in November. She is dwelling and he is festering off the attention...which fits his description.. jackass. Anyone who hurts her baby, no matter what the situation is or how the other person tried to make it better, is going to be a jerk. She is very tunneled visioned when it come to him and always is making excuses for him. If my bird brain MIL actually stopped and thought about the sitiaton, she would realize how absolutely absurd it is. But hes the baby. She will never do that.

    I would never say anythng like "I dont like you" to him..much less at a graduation party. That is totally 4th grade and dumb. I dont waste my time with that type of crap. I dont speak bad about him to other family members except to voice my annoyance to my DH. So there is no way he overheard something.

    He was in the pool the entire time and then he had a bon fire with his friends. I came late because I was just arriving home from my road trip to Philly. I dont even really talk to him at all. Not because I didnt want to...but becasue he has all his friends over and he was occupied being the host of his party.

    We are ignoring negative attention now b/c its turned into a game for him. and he is feeding off the attention...

     

     

  • image pepiono_627:
     

    As mentioned in my post, The apology happened in November.. 

    To be fair, it sounded like your husband apologized on your behalf. Not the same thing as you doing it. 

    I still vote for the passive aggressive apology works on my ILs all the time.  

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  • You refer to his family as a group of morons, his brother as a stupid monkey, ***, etc. among other things - so i'm getting the impression that although you think that you are civil and polite to them that it's probably very clear that you can't stand any of them. Of course your MIL is going to defend her son, he's her child and you hate all of them. 

    image

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  • Yeah, I really don't think you're all that good at hiding from them that you think they're a bunch of morons.

    They know, and it's probably why they're not really motivated to be all that nice to you.

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  • image susiederkins:

    Yeah, I really don't think you're all that good at hiding from them that you think they're a bunch of morons.

    They know, and it's probably why they're not really motivated to be all that nice to you.

    Really? What have you based your harsh judgement on? My post where I was VENTING?! I have a great relationship with my in laws. And yes, I have opinions about them but thats not all that uncommon to vent about inlaws...if you havent found yourself in this position, you are what I suspect you are.. an ass kissing goody two shoes.  

    You missed my point... MIL is always going to make excuses for BIL regardless of the situation. Hence my vent. But our relationship still remains in tact. They would never question my sincerity because there is nothing to quesiton.

     

     

     

  • image +SMACE+:
    image pepiono_627:
     

    As mentioned in my post, The apology happened in November.. 

    To be fair, it sounded like your husband apologized on your behalf. Not the same thing as you doing it. 

    I still vote for the passive aggressive apology works on my ILs all the time.  

    Thanks for your input. I will for sure use your line. Smile

  • image pepiono_627:

    This is a family of morons...but I dont tell them that. I roll my eyes and go home. And thankk my lucky stars I live far far far away. My post was a vent. It is different when I am actually talking to them.


    Honestly, it sounds like you fit right in *if* your assessment is right.

    And is sounds like your BIL has a snot for a SIL.

  • image pepiono_627:
    image susiederkins:

    Yeah, I really don't think you're all that good at hiding from them that you think they're a bunch of morons.

    They know, and it's probably why they're not really motivated to be all that nice to you.

    Really? What have you based your harsh judgement on? My post where I was VENTING?! I have a great relationship with my in laws. And yes, I have opinions about them but thats not all that uncommon to vent about inlaws...if you havent found yourself in this position, you are what I suspect you are.. an ass kissing goody two shoes.  

    You missed my point... MIL is always going to make excuses for BIL regardless of the situation. Hence my vent. But our relationship still remains in tact. They would never question my sincerity because there is nothing to quesiton.


    I get that you were venting, but even so you come across as though you have very little respect for your husband's family. Even venting I've never heard someone call their inlaws stupid monkeys, asssholes, family of morons, spoiled brats all in a single post about a pretty minor issue. SusieDerkins offered a different point of view, not even harshly, and you kind of really went after her as well. I think maybe you need to settle down a bit and look at how your reactions to people both on here and maybe IRL might be a bit over the top aggressive.

    Whether or not you feel you did, something clearly happened that upset your BIL - maybe you didn't mean it the way he took it but I doubt he's making it up - at some point he felt slighted enough by you to push you away. I'd make a point to apologise to him the next time you see him, tell him that look, clearly he's upset and feels as though you don't like him, you're not sure how or why he feels that way but you're sorry if that is how things have come across, you like him a lot and you'd like to move on from this. Then move on, even if he refuses to. Be polite and civil, take a polite and reasonably genuine interest in his life when you see him and just move on.

    And try to have a bit more respect for his family - I really hope that you don't call them names like that to your DH. 

     

    image

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  • image pepiono_627:
    image susiederkins:

    Yeah, I really don't think you're all that good at hiding from them that you think they're a bunch of morons.

    They know, and it's probably why they're not really motivated to be all that nice to you.

    Really? What have you based your harsh judgement on? My post where I was VENTING?! I have a great relationship with my in laws. And yes, I have opinions about them but thats not all that uncommon to vent about inlaws...if you havent found yourself in this position, you are what I suspect you are.. an ass kissing goody two shoes.  

    You missed my point... MIL is always going to make excuses for BIL regardless of the situation. Hence my vent. But our relationship still remains in tact. They would never question my sincerity because there is nothing to quesiton.

     

     

     

    Well, apparently I'm not doing that great of a job kissing your ass, now am I?

    My point is that I don't think you do as good a job at hiding your true feelings as you think you do. Clearly, your BIL knows you don't like him. That didn't come out of nowhere.

    You've played a role in this, even if you're not willing to admit it.

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  • image susiederkins:
    image pepiono_627:
    image susiederkins:

    Yeah, I really don't think you're all that good at hiding from them that you think they're a bunch of morons.

    They know, and it's probably why they're not really motivated to be all that nice to you.

    Really? What have you based your harsh judgement on? My post where I was VENTING?! I have a great relationship with my in laws. And yes, I have opinions about them but thats not all that uncommon to vent about inlaws...if you havent found yourself in this position, you are what I suspect you are.. an ass kissing goody two shoes.  

    You missed my point... MIL is always going to make excuses for BIL regardless of the situation. Hence my vent. But our relationship still remains in tact. They would never question my sincerity because there is nothing to quesiton.

     

     

     

    Well, apparently I'm not doing that great of a job kissing your ass, now am I?

    My point is that I don't think you do as good a job at hiding your true feelings as you think you do. Clearly, your BIL knows you don't like him. That didn't come out of nowhere.

    You've played a role in this, even if you're not willing to admit it.

    Susie has a point in that it take 2 people to get into an argument.  The major takeaway is that you can't do anything about your MIL or your BIL's behavior.  All you can control is your own.  So how are you going to handle the situation? 

    You and your DH should think through and decide what to do when BIL hangs up on you or what to do when X situation arises etc.  If you have a plan, it is so much easier.  Just execute it and move on.  For example if BIL hangs up on you in the future, I would not vent to MIL because it adds fuel to the fire.  Vent to DH and have DH make future phone calls to his family or only call MIL on her cell phone instead of the home phone. 

    I'm not sure about apologizing again since the situation is so convoluted.  Why did you apologize to start out with if you never said anything?  If you did say something then either your apology was not accepted or BIL thought it was insincere.  I'm not sure he will accept another one.  I think the best approach is to show by your actions that you are trying (if you want to) to repair the relationship.  If you don't want to repair the relationship then I would ignore and be civil and nothing more.  Good Luck!

  • image pepiono_627:

    this situation is annoying but I have moved on. Granted I am annoyed but as I said I am not going to feed the stupid monkey more attention. Thats what he wants.

    I was reminded how the situation when he hung up on me. I was still fuming. It is unexcuseable behavior. But I I can do is control my own reaction. No one else's.

    My husband said he is going to talk to him face to face. And rip him a new one.

    You ladies are right. Thanks for your input.

    I would be embarrasses if I were his parents.  How about a simple "BIL hung up on me when I tried calling you last week-gosh I wonder how many calls you miss.  That would be irritating!". And move on.  Stop taking responsibility like  Any of this is your fault.  I'd stop interacting with all of them but that's me.  

  • image Comet4658:
    image susiederkins:
    image pepiono_627:
    image susiederkins:

    Yeah, I really don't think you're all that good at hiding from them that you think they're a bunch of morons.

    They know, and it's probably why they're not really motivated to be all that nice to you.

    Really? What have you based your harsh judgement on? My post where I was VENTING?! I have a great relationship with my in laws. And yes, I have opinions about them but thats not all that uncommon to vent about inlaws...if you havent found yourself in this position, you are what I suspect you are.. an ass kissing goody two shoes.  

    You missed my point... MIL is always going to make excuses for BIL regardless of the situation. Hence my vent. But our relationship still remains in tact. They would never question my sincerity because there is nothing to quesiton.

     

     

     

    Well, apparently I'm not doing that great of a job kissing your ass, now am I?

    My point is that I don't think you do as good a job at hiding your true feelings as you think you do. Clearly, your BIL knows you don't like him. That didn't come out of nowhere.

    You've played a role in this, even if you're not willing to admit it.

    Susie has a point in that it take 2 people to get into an argument.  The major takeaway is that you can't do anything about your MIL or your BIL's behavior.  All you can control is your own.  So how are you going to handle the situation? 

    You and your DH should think through and decide what to do when BIL hangs up on you or what to do when X situation arises etc.  If you have a plan, it is so much easier.  Just execute it and move on.  For example if BIL hangs up on you in the future, I would not vent to MIL because it adds fuel to the fire.  Vent to DH and have DH make future phone calls to his family or only call MIL on her cell phone instead of the home phone. 

    I'm not sure about apologizing again since the situation is so convoluted.  Why did you apologize to start out with if you never said anything?  If you did say something then either your apology was not accepted or BIL thought it was insincere.  I'm not sure he will accept another one.  I think the best approach is to show by your actions that you are trying (if you want to) to repair the relationship.  If you don't want to repair the relationship then I would ignore and be civil and nothing more.  Good Luck!

    i was wondering this too. if you did nothing why did dh apologize for you? what was said? what was BIL's response?

    and 19 isn't the pinnacle of maturity-especially with a monther than enables it.

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  • image pepiono_627:
    image susiederkins:

    Yeah, I really don't think you're all that good at hiding from them that you think they're a bunch of morons.

    They know, and it's probably why they're not really motivated to be all that nice to you.

    Really? What have you based your harsh judgement on? My post where I was VENTING?! I have a great relationship with my in laws. And yes, I have opinions about them but thats not all that uncommon to vent about inlaws...if you havent found yourself in this position, you are what I suspect you are.. an ass kissing goody two shoes.  

    You missed my point... MIL is always going to make excuses for BIL regardless of the situation. Hence my vent. But our relationship still remains in tact. They would never question my sincerity because there is nothing to quesiton.

    When your natural reaction to everyone that disagrees with you is to call them names, I have a very hard time believing you're just the innocent victim here.  You clearly despise your DH's family, and I'm sure they're picking up on it too.

    I suggest you try and grow up a little bit.  You are a part of the problem, not a part of the solution.

    How did your DH luck out so much so that he comes from a family of nothing but morons and stupid assholes but he's such a winner?

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