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living at home? any positive experiences?

my husband and i got married in november. we're both in college, and yes we got married extremely young (like, unusally young for most people's standards these days). our plan was to live in an apartment for a little while since we had about $6,000 in savings and made juuuuuuuust enough to live off each month.

then, everything went up in smoke. a short time before we got married, my hubs lost his job and couldnt find another one. i didn't make enough to pay bills each month. we're still living at our respective parent's homes at this point because we didn't live together before we got married. my parents went into financial ruins and use our $6,000 savings to save my family's house and pay the medical insurance (my mom has multiple sclerosis).

my parents invited me to continue living there and have my hubs move in so we can save our money up (again). it's been alright so far. some days are better than others. right now, we live in my old room but are scheduled to switch rooms with my dad's office on the other side of the house in early may (the people who owned the house before turned the garage into a room) because i think my parents are starting to understand that living in my room is awkward. hubs found a job about a month ago, and i picked up a second job for a few months after we got married to kick start the savings (i don't work the second job anymore--grades slipped). financial aid refund came in. now we have a little over $4,000 to our name. he's graduating in december 2012 and i'm graduating in may 2013. dare i say, things are looking up?

the odd thing about all of this is, my parents like us here. they don't really want us to go, they get upset when i bring it up. They want all of their kids to think of the house as "everyones house" not just theirs. i'm thinking the summer after i graduate, we'll be prepared for buying our first house.

has anyone had a positive experience living at home? i'd say mine is more positive than most. although, we haven't been married long and we don't have any kids to throw in the mix.

Re: living at home? any positive experiences?

  • Marriage at a very very young age = not a good idea.

    Marriage at a young age during a rat's ass dead economy that is still skaky = anything can happen.

    Sorry for your hard luck.:(

    Wow, just wow.... you guys really have it rough. Sorry about your mom.

    Lots of people are moving back in with parents due to the horrible economy -- even people in their 40s and 50s. That's the wrong place at the wrong time we are all in at this point -- as you can see, you are one paycheck away from unemployment and disaster.:(

    Living at home?  Be a good housemate: live in such a way that it's like you and your H do not live ther at all.:)

    Keep your room clean, clean up after yourselves, pay room and board when you are supposed to and keep a low profile in general.

    Good luck; hope things pick up soon.

  • Before I read the whole post, I thought - Of course I live at home, where else would I live? And then I realized that you meant "living with your parents."

    I lived with my parents briefly after graduating from college and while applying for jobs. For me, it was an awful change from independence. We all survived for 6 months, but I wasn't married, and the end was in sight.

    At this point (I'm probably a good decade older than you), my husband and I would have to be on the verge of homelessness to live with our parents again. A couple of years ago, we did stay with his for 3 days while waiting for our house to close. Next time, we will definitely stay in a hotel.

    At your age though, it might be worth it. It really depends on your relationship with your husband and your parents. It could be a disaster, or it could be awesome. That's something only you guys can predict.

    My only advice - WAIT to buy a house. Establish yourselves as a couple. Live in different parts of your city. Rent, and enjoy it. Move around if you want. Do not worry about replacing the roof, fixing the AC, getting rid of termites, etc. Owning a house is not as much fun as you might think.

  • It sounds like you have a good thing going. Both of you are used to living with your parents so this isnt a huge change like it would be for most of us who are used to being on our own.
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  • What is a financial aid refund?
  • image DaringMiss:
    What is a financial aid refund?

    She  probably meant that her financial aid paid out. Certain types of financial aid only come out at certain times of the year or semester. My scholarship won't pay out until I finish the first 8 weeks of the semester for example. 

  • It sounds like you both have good heads on your shoulders making it through a time that can hurt an older, better aged couple.  While it's really nice that you helped your parents out by giving them all of your $6000 savings, maybe they feel guilty since they aren't paying you back which is why they want you two to stay with them (and you two must be so busy between school/work that living together doesn't cause problems).  

    DH and I have only lived with my family for a short 2 months span when we were caught between our apartment lease and our now-home renovations.  We would've had to renew our lease for at least 6 months which we obviously didn't want to do with our house ready in 2 months.  My family's home was large + people were rarely around but it did cause tension---things like budgeting for groceries is tough when it's family and not a roommate situation.  If everything is outlined so that people know what what to expect and those involved respect it, I doubt it'd be a terrible situation though.

  • Yep, it's just the financial aid money that's leftover after your tuition and fees get paid. For example, if your classes cost $2,500 and you have $3,500 in financial aid, you'll get to have the extra $1,000 when the refund comes around. My school gives it out two or three weeks after classes start. It's kind of like getting a bonus! :)
  • I lived at home while I studied for the bar exam and looked for a job. Maybe about 5 months or so? I wasn't married yet. It wasn't a terrible experience, mostly because my parents are pretty easy-going and I knew there was an end in sight. It isn't something I would want to do for years though.

     In your case, with your financial situation, you will have to be there a lot longer than I was. It is great that you are working towards getting financially stable. I would echo the caution about not buying a house too soon. You need to build up your savings first and make sure you both have steady jobs. It is a recipe for disaster otherwise.

    On the flip side, don't let your parents keep you from moving out once you feel you are truly ready financially. You have to be independent and live your own life.

     

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  • image bekarain621:
    Yep, it's just the financial aid money that's leftover after your tuition and fees get paid. For example, if your classes cost $2,500 and you have $3,500 in financial aid, you'll get to have the extra $1,000 when the refund comes around. My school gives it out two or three weeks after classes start. It's kind of like getting a bonus! :)
    It's not from loans though, is it? I'm also curious why your parents used your 6k and there is no mention of them paying you back? Are your parents bad with money in general? I'd use this opportunity to save as much as you can. I'd save for a downpayment and also make sure you still have savings after you use that
  • from what you've written it sounds like you and your parents are respecting each others space and privacy and rules enough to make this work until you can get on your feet.  and that's a good thing!! stay as long as is comfortable/they let you. save as much $ as you can. learn from him losing his job and how to save and plan correctly to avoid financial ruin if that should happen again.

     

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  • no, it's from scholarships and pell grants that we don't have to pay back. we fourtunately had enough scholarship money to cover school costs without loans. my parents haven't paid us back because they don't have the money to do so quite yet. i know they'll pay us back in time, though.
  • srgwsrgw member
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    I lived with my parents for a year after I graduated from college. I worked three jobs and planned my wedding. It was a crazy year. I moved out officially on my wedding day. My parents offered (in all seriousness) to let my H move in with us when we married. We turned them down. The walls are very thin. Wink Plus we'd never live with them unless the other option was homelessness.

    It sounds like you two are doing okay living with your parents. Don't let them stop you from moving out when you are able to financially though. And don't buy a house right away. Rent, and enjoy yourselves while saving up money to eventually buy. 

  • I really like my parents a lot and both my husband and I get along extremely well with them. We frequently invite them along on our activities and have dinner with them.

    That being said? I wouldn't want to live with them. I would if I absolutely had to (and would let them live with me if they absolutely had to), but it just wouldn't be extremely comfortable for anyone. 

     

  • image bekarain621:
    Yep, it's just the financial aid money that's leftover after your tuition and fees get paid. For example, if your classes cost $2,500 and you have $3,500 in financial aid, you'll get to have the extra $1,000 when the refund comes around. My school gives it out two or three weeks after classes start. It's kind of like getting a bonus! :)

    Is your refund from a grant or part of a loan? Please tell me you aren't living off loans in used that money to bail out your parents.

    Yes. I lived with my mother in my parents' home for about 3 months after my own house was destroyed in a flood. I was fine; my parents and I got along well and were respectful and supportive of each other. I came to the situation from a position of strength; I was able to buy their house less than 3 months later. My mother planned to seel in the spring before she retired, so it was a win/win. She lived with me for the rest of the academic year before retiring to her other house. I know it can work, but it isn't ideal. Especially for a young, unestablished couple.

    My parents lived with her mom and dad when I was a baby. It was a shotgun affair and he was in the army. They lived with my grandparents at their summer home. The lack of independence meant they had to keep a low profile. My mother never called my father on his idiot behavior because she was a 19 year old trying to prove to her family that she hadn't made the worst mistake of her life. So they never fought to establish fair ground rules. 56 years later, the dysfunction from that rocky start is a fact of their lives.

     

    Living with parents in their home is not ideal. It's great that your parents enjoy your company. But that doesn't mean it's healthy for your marriage.

    In your particular situation there are some real risks.

    1. You have never had the experience of not being a dependent child despite being married. It's sounds almost as if you married to have sex/live together without guilt.

    2. The fact that your parents needed bailing out. You shouldn't be the extra income that saves the family home or provides health insurance. That's not your role as a child- especially as a young woman with parents who should be at their peak in earnings. I suspect, they will be in financial need again soon unless the $6K shortfall was a one off thing.

    3. They may be hoping you stay to care for your mother as her disease progresses. My neightbor recently died from complications of MS. The last 5 years she required full time attendent care; I would worry that your parents might be looking toward you in that care giver role.

    My advice, hand tough until you graduate unless your DH's degree brings him an immediate high income position. Then get an apartment and learn to budget and keep house so you'll have a better idea of what your housing needs and budget are going forward. It's tempting to buy more than you can comfortably afford, so you'll want to really know what your living expenses are before deciding how much house to buy.

     

     

     

  • I lived at my parents? house for 1 year and 2 months after we got married (both 24, graduated). It was pure accident. I went on my honeymoon with the promise that our apartment was going to be free by our arrival, and it never was. It was very hard to find another one in decent condition (we live abroad the US), then we made a Plan B, a Plan C... in the end, we moved.

    My parents were absolutely great with us. We were in my bedroom, we had our fridge. But I was absolutely miserable most of the time, feeling awkward to invite friends over, was not comfortable cooking meals for my husband (had to cook for 6 instead of 2), was not comfortable leaving things untidy because someone was always picking up. So in the end, we moved.

     My parents were very happy to have us and did not like the idea at first, but we made it clear that although we were grateful for the time spent, we needed our own space. So we did.

     On the other hand, my BIL and wife live with her parents, have a child and have been married for 7 years. And there?s trouble in paradise because they hear their arguments, are opinionated on the husband, the wife always goes and talks about marital trouble with her mom, and they are tight financially because she does not work. 

    It is key to have boundaries, but it is very hard to have them if they feel they can get an opinion on your times of arrival, activities, if you want to change sth and they don?t. Though in financial crisis, it can get very hard to live independently.

    Hope you find a way to carry things the best way.

  • My husband and I have lived in my parents house for about 2 years now; but we have a unique situation where my parents spend most of their time in their other home in another state. After an offer from my parents and a long discussion with DH about 1 year into us living there it was decided that we would buy the house from my parents but not until we had been able to save up enough for a down payment+. The purchase will likely take place this summer and everyone involved is very excited. We already take care of all the utility bills so we are just waiting to start paying the property taxes and of course the mortgage when the sale is final.

    We get along great with my parents when they do come in and stay bu it's also nice that they leave.

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  • Ditto Auntie on all points.

    I guess I just don't get it - you and your husband are both working, why can't you afford a modest one bedroom apartment?  Thousands and thousands of couples do it.  Even now, years later, I look back on those years spent with my husband living in a cheap apartment - before a house and kids - fondly.  We worked while going to school and didn't have a lot of extra money, but we were happy.

    Honestly, why the rush to buy a house?  Neither you or your husband have ever lived as an independant adult before.......you're still both living like children even now.  Why not ease into the growing up process - try living in an apartment a little while, learn now to be self-sufficient with that before adding on the burden of home ownership as well (because believe me, it's a burden - especially if you've never lived on your own before and therefore don't know what the heck you're doing).  You have no idea of the costs involved, or the work, or what you'll need and want. 

    You want to buy a house for the same reason that I bet you wanted to get married - to prove how grown up you are, since getting married and buying houses is what grown ups do.  But as you can see now, getting married didn't make you an adult.  It didn't really change anything, except that now you can have God-sanctioned sex in your childhood bedroom while your parents are asleep in their room next door.  Yay.

    I think it's sad that your parents love your current situation, and if you and your husband are truly happy being there, I have to wonder how ready you two were for marriage anyway.  I can't imagine being happy living as a married adult woman in my parents' home - I crave my privacy and independance too much, and for those reasons my parents wouldn't be exactly ecstatic with me and my husband living with them either.  You and your husband have never lived together as a couple before, never had to deal with each other on that level before............and every month you stay living like kids playing house at mommy and daddy's house, it's going to make it that much harder when (or if) you eventually do decide to set up your own place.  So stay long enough to get your finances in order and make a plan, get a deposit for an apartment, and get out.  Buy a house someday in the future, after you both have graduated and put in a few years in your respective careers.  But get the hell out of your parents' house.

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  • I got married when I was 17.  Wise decision?  Hell no.  But we've been together for over 11 years now so it can work out.   

    I could never live with my parents again.  Ever.  I would live in my camper first.  I would, however, consider living with DH's family.  They are about to be empty nesters and have actually offered to let us move in with them so I can quit work to finish college.  I could get along with them well enough temporarily.  They only live 5 minutes away and MIL babysits my daughter so we see each other daily anyway.  So, yes it's possible to have a positive experience living with parents. 

    I hate the way some people are so appalled at the idea, like you're a bum.  It's how many cultures operate, extended family lives together all the time.  Not a big deal if you're comfortable with it.  Now I would have to have some defined rules.  Like I have to have my privacy.  And I'm not fond of the borrowing money situation either.  Do your parents really intend to pay you back or is letting you live with them repayment?  I'm not really asking, just something to consider. 

    Jewel is right though, you think buying a house is so much fun.  Buying it is.  Maintaining the money pit all the time is not!  Just like I wish I hadn't rushed into getting married, don't rush into everything at once.  Enjoy the stages of life.  Some you can never get back. 

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